Bit of a weird one - my Dad's gone NC with me.

[HoundoftheBaskervilles]

Sooo, I've been mulling this over for a couple of months now but am no closer to an answer and am concerned and confused (and fucking HURT) by it all. I've had a couple of threads in Education and Behaviour and Development about my daughter, DD is seven, I also have a DS. DD has always been 'other', she was recently permanently excluded from school, (last June aged six), we're currently seeking and I believe we'll get a ASD diagnosis, (this is just preamble, I'll get to the point shortly). We relocated because of DD to a) Be nearer family for support, b) Be in a less rural area so we could access better support for DD.

I'm one of five children, I always had a very good relationship with my Father, always (or so I thought), I did, it's not some fantasy of mine that it happened, it was a solid relationship. When my parents divorced I kept neutral - wasn't my business, my Dad left my Mum for his current wife - not my beef, life happens, Dad and I were good, we were always good. We laughed together, he loved my husband (really loved him, I always thought he saw him as another son), I LOVE MY DAD.

But recently, since we have moved back, he's just turned on me, I can think of no better way to describe it. I phoned him up one night when I'd had a particularly tough day, just to have a vent and he told me there was nothing wrong with DD, that I had caused all of her problems, that I was a neglectful Mother and I had broken my child. This was followed up by an email to tell me he had blocked my domestic number on his land-line and to please do not turn up as his door as any 'door-step' scene involving my children would be my fault and that all my phone calls for the last few years had been 'emotionally loaded demands for support'.

This is apropos of FUCK ALL, I have never asked my Dad for anything, he's very much of the 'pull your socks up' school, I have never asked him for anything. I'd call once a week to fill him in on our lives and was was going on in Hound town, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm utterly flummoxed and hurt and worried. He still, although retired, flies to conferences all over the world and can manage a week or two to climb mountains whence he goes, so I presume he's not completely fucking losing it.

The ONLY thing I can think of, and it's fucking tenuous, is that his wife always hated me, when she met my husband she suggested that me and my father had 'an incestuous relationship', I can only think that after 20 years she's finally found a way to take me down, but surely that would be madness? I don't know, I haven't got a fucking clue. I'm just reeling and hurt, and we moved back to be closer to family for support, and the person I thought would always have my back, would always support me, has told me to fuck right off - so fucking painful.

Sorry for all the fucks.

I've just read all that back and it sound a bit clinical, I'm trying to precis, to put it bluntly in bullet points

1. I love my Dad, we had a great relationship for 40 odd years
2. My daughter ain't like the other kids, but it wasn't anything I did, I love and nurture her, she was BF until the age of three, I had to wean when I had surgery for a catastrophic miscarriage and was in hospital and on contraindicative medication following that. I feel like I have to bloody justify my daughter's upbringing because of this, I feel fucking vilified. I give that lovely little girl more than I ever thought it was possible to give a person. 3)I don't know why this is happening with my father, it's making me feel like the shitest parent ever, when you have a child who is different, believe me, you ask yourself over and over, 'what did I do, what did I do wrong'.
3. I've never asked my father for anything. Ever, Which is the most confusing thing here.
4. Just to clear things up DH earns well into six figures and I've always been a SAHM, so I have no fucking idea what I may have been asking for for all of these years.
5. That probably still sounds clinical. It's just my way. Sorry.

I have the reverse, my stepmum was and is awful. I get on better with my dad now. It's taken a lot, but he is so nice now.

How strange! Have you had any contact with any other family members so see if they know what's going on?

That sounds awful, OP. How is his relationship with your other siblings? Any changes there?
I know you said you thought he's not losing it, but given it's so out of character for him, I'd be worried about dementia or similar. Any chance of talking to you stepmum or other family about it?

I have asked my one brother who's just left home, he said Dad's 'a bit quiet' but he doesn't want to get involved (fair enough, he's my Dad's and my Step-Mother's), my other siblings? Have had an utterly terrible relationship with him since my Dad left my Mum, there was a huge amount of blame throwing at the time, one of my sisters said some terrible things, my other brother was only 12, their relationships have been strained ever since. My sister didn't speak to my dad for nearly ten years.

It's not you.

I bet some other stuff is happening in his life - leave the door open and he will come back. It's so tough though!

Your post doesn't sound clinical but it's confusing.

You say that you've never asked him for anything yet you also say you moved closer to family (your dad?) for support.

You say you never expect anything from him but you also say he's the one person you expect to support you.

You say you just call to catch up but then you say you called for a moan because you'd had a bad day.

It seems to me maybe you have been expecting a lot of emotional support from your dad. It can be quite draining to provide emotional support especially if he is as you say quite a practical person. Maybe you've been leaning on him a lot more than you're willing to admit.

When you say you moved closer to family for more support, what exactly did you mean by this? Was this something that you discussed with him? Was he ok with it? Or did you just assume he wouldn't mind?

This maybe a mad thought but is there any way your dad is on the spectrum himself and he is reacting now to your dd and her issues. It happens when it's the child's own parent who has never been diagnosed but lm wondering is it all triggering something in him.
Also and this is meant kindly l often find that moms with children with special needs get obsessive about it and that is understandable. But others around them start running for the hills as they can't take the intentness of it all.

He is behaving like a twat. I would ignore him for now. For his own reasons he does not want to support you in any way and tbh him being so unpleasant to me would pretty much make me v angry. What about your children? Does he not want to see them? Sounds like he is checking out of the relationship and he is using your dd sn as an excuse. Causing a row and then immediately stopping all contact makes it seem like that was his aim to start with. Of course you are hurt. His behaviour is nasty and hurtful. Leave it for a while. If you do want to leave the door open, write him a calm, unemotional letter telling him that you love and miss him and then do nothing else.

I'm inclined to agree with cansu above. It may have come from his wife, it may be something he's been stewing over for a while. Either way you can only leave it now and give him space to change his mind, or not.

hebi also has a point though. Do you think you have been leaning on your dad rather than your husband (I'm assuming that as your husband is a high earner he's busy with work and may not be around much)? Are you still on good terms with your mum?

Something is going on with your dad - I think it unlikely that after 20 years your step-mum has suddenly turned against you.
To be honest, it sounds like you have possibly crossed the line in terms of the amount of support and help you actually expect from him. Do you support him in anyway? Or is it a one way street?
Sounds like he disagrees with your parenting but has never said so - just listened as you phoned him to 'vent'. But now he has had enough and no longer feels able to cope with - or doesn't want - the stress.
You can probably sort this out if you are prepared to listen to his side and what is upsetting him. This may mark a major change in how your relationship works - are you ready to accept that?
I would drop him a note saying your are sorry you have upset him and you are willing to talk about any changes needed to make your relationship work.

PS - it may be that there is stuff happening in his own life which is adding to his stress. Could he be ill? Or having problems elsewhere that he can't control? His relationship with you maybe the only thing he can alter to reduce stress?

Sounds like there's a lot of moving parts in this situation and I suspect whilst it's come out of the blue for you, it's been a slow build for him.

You love your dad and want a relationship with him. I think your step mum is a red herring to be honest. Your dad's had a good relationship with you up until now so I think trying to blame a third party is not helpful.

If you want to salvage this situation you're going to need to do a lot of listening before you can really say where things did or didn't go wrong. I agree with hello there could quite possibly be something that he needs support with that's going on in the background but hasn't been acknowledged or talked about.

It sounds like you were asking him for more support than he is willing to give you.

For you, it made sense to move closer to family for support, to call him to unload, etc. For him, this may have seemed like emotional demands that he is not prepared to meet.

He is entitled to take a step back, even if that removes a source of support that you had counted on. I understand how confusing and hurtful that must feel, though.

Given the strain your family is under, I think you need to focus on other, more willing, sources of help, since you do need support in order to cope. Such as professional services and charities.

I would be careful of phoning up relatives/friends to vent. It does sound like you're under a lot of stress re. your dd but people rarely enjoy weekly phonecalls that involve letting off steam. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that you venting to him is like passing your stress on to him and he might not know what to do with it. He might then have to speak to his wife to calm down and then she might be saying 'you have to ask your dd to stop talking to you like this' because she doesn't know what to do either.

How is his health? How old is he? Do you think he could be unwell or struggling to cope with things?

How often did you phone your dad previously? Are the phone calls happy and full of the good things happening in your life?This is not a judgement, I am just asking. Is it possible your dad feels that he does not want to listen to your problems anymore. Is it possible that he has health problems of his own or his wife. If so, maybe he does not have enough head space for other things at the moment.

Is he in denial about your dd? Some family members see it as terribly shaming to have a child with a disability. And for something like ASD it is so much easier to blame the mother (always the mother).

I had a nightmare with my MIL who took years to come to terms with the shame of a grandson with ASD. It was all my fault for years & I was 'too negative' (he's a teen now, non-verbal, severely autistic). She got there eventually.

I'd back off. He should support you, he's you father but for whatever reason he can't. I found counselling really helpful in coming to terms with my MIL's reaction & we get on a lot better these days.

Many times when I phone my mother she takes the opportunity to vent. She admits she does so but, fairly, also says that she has no one else to do this to.

Although I am glad to help, it means I absolutely dread phoning her. There's nothing I can do to help and after half an hour I'm screaming inside to get off the phone.

It sounds, tbh, like you're not really ready to see why your Dad might be exhausted with you.

Your DD has already been excluded from school. What's been going on?

You say you moved closer to home for support. How does your Dad get on with your DD? Does he find her difficult?

"Emotionally loaded demands for support" I think he feels you are constantly going on about your, or your DDs problems to him. How much emotional support do you provide to him?

I always think that people don't go NC on a whim. Its usually been building for a long, long time.

I think your dad is one of those people who doesn't believe autism genuinely exists or, at least, not to the extent that would justify current diagnosis levels. These people always know best and tend to blame the parents for the child's behaviour. As your DD's parents you have probably adjusted your behaviour and lives to minimise unnecessarily upsetting her - this is often seen as the 'cause' and people fail to acknowledge that in fact it is a means to minimise the distress on your DD.

When we had a similar reaction from a relative, we just backed off and sadly, the relationship has never recovered despite this relative now acknowledging our son's genuine issues.

for you and your DD - it sounds really hard for you all.

he told me there was nothing wrong with DD, that I had caused all of her problems, that I was a neglectful Mother and I had broken my child.

Is he from the generation that thinks ASD is caused by cold mothers? Or one of those people who thinks that there is some weird shame attached to having a child with additional needs?

If either of the above are a possibility, you are better off being NC

I'm sorry your going through it. I don't see why people think you should be providing him emotional support, in your relationship he's the parent and your the child so I don't think it's a case of you've not given enough. But he's unable to give as much as he thinks you are asking for.

I had this happen with a friend where she would expect support from me and I wasn't assertive enough to say no or that it wasn't convenient at times. I sat on it and eventually blew up telling her I was exhausted by it. I went NC for my own sanity but I deeply regret what happened as I had never let her know I wasn't coping with the level of emotional support so it wasn't at all her fault that she kept seeking it from me and must have been a massive shock. You're in a really stressful situation and you do need support but it needs to come from multiple places so nobody's overloaded.

I disagree - I think that once you're both adults and if you call yourself pals then the emotional support should go both ways.

It is usual when you have a child with problems - such as expulsion & and upcoming ASD dx to seek support from family. A once a week phone call is hardly being needy. If he can't cope with that he's not going to be much use in a real crisis.