Bit of a weird one - my Dad's gone NC with me.

[HoundoftheBaskervilles]

Sooo, I've been mulling this over for a couple of months now but am no closer to an answer and am concerned and confused (and fucking HURT) by it all. I've had a couple of threads in Education and Behaviour and Development about my daughter, DD is seven, I also have a DS. DD has always been 'other', she was recently permanently excluded from school, (last June aged six), we're currently seeking and I believe we'll get a ASD diagnosis, (this is just preamble, I'll get to the point shortly). We relocated because of DD to a) Be nearer family for support, b) Be in a less rural area so we could access better support for DD.

I'm one of five children, I always had a very good relationship with my Father, always (or so I thought), I did, it's not some fantasy of mine that it happened, it was a solid relationship. When my parents divorced I kept neutral - wasn't my business, my Dad left my Mum for his current wife - not my beef, life happens, Dad and I were good, we were always good. We laughed together, he loved my husband (really loved him, I always thought he saw him as another son), I LOVE MY DAD.

But recently, since we have moved back, he's just turned on me, I can think of no better way to describe it. I phoned him up one night when I'd had a particularly tough day, just to have a vent and he told me there was nothing wrong with DD, that I had caused all of her problems, that I was a neglectful Mother and I had broken my child. This was followed up by an email to tell me he had blocked my domestic number on his land-line and to please do not turn up as his door as any 'door-step' scene involving my children would be my fault and that all my phone calls for the last few years had been 'emotionally loaded demands for support'.

This is apropos of FUCK ALL, I have never asked my Dad for anything, he's very much of the 'pull your socks up' school, I have never asked him for anything. I'd call once a week to fill him in on our lives and was was going on in Hound town, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm utterly flummoxed and hurt and worried. He still, although retired, flies to conferences all over the world and can manage a week or two to climb mountains whence he goes, so I presume he's not completely fucking losing it.

The ONLY thing I can think of, and it's fucking tenuous, is that his wife always hated me, when she met my husband she suggested that me and my father had 'an incestuous relationship', I can only think that after 20 years she's finally found a way to take me down, but surely that would be madness? I don't know, I haven't got a fucking clue. I'm just reeling and hurt, and we moved back to be closer to family for support, and the person I thought would always have my back, would always support me, has told me to fuck right off - so fucking painful.

Sorry for all the fucks.

Oh Hound - what a mess.

I suspect that, from reading all your posts on this thread, there has been background whinging from the other members of your family. Your outburst where you told them you couldn't take their shit any more, as you had enough of your own - well where do you think that ended up? Doubtless it got back to your father, and probably your mother too - and suddenly you had reneged on your "role" in the family. So now my guess is that your father has decided to "punish" you for this by deciding that you can have a "taste of your own medicine" - and has withdrawn all support as you appeared to have done earlier.

Your SM may or may not have had a role in this. I guess it depends on her level of "ignorance". My mum had a very unpleasant time at the hands of her MIL and SIL (her BIL's wife) because of their ignorance - Mum had lost her 2nd baby after a nasty viral illness while pregnant, and ignorant SIL told MIL that it was my mum's "bad blood" that caused it. It wasn't anything of the kind! but they both blamed mum for the loss, at a time of great trauma to her of course, and her MIL (my grandma) told my Mum that she "never wanted to see her son in that state again" - no recognition of my Mum's loss or sadness!
So with that experience in mind, your SM may have poisoned your father's mind by saying it's "obviously" your parenting that has caused this, as no one else has anything like that in the family (I'm assuming they don't) and your father hasn't enough wit to realise that she's talking bollocks.

But then again - it could just as easily be your father's own ignorance at work, can't tell, although it seems odd when he helped you out so much with all the initial paperwork and so on.

What do you do - well you can't contact him to speak to, but you could send a letter expressing your sadness - no blame (no point), no wondering about cause, just that you are sad he no longer wants to speak to you. Then you could choose whether or not to say that you will always be there if he changes his mind; or to say goodbye and sorry that your children won't know their grandfather, depending on how you feel (but make sure you truly feel that, don't do it out of spite).

And then, sad though it is, you will have to pretend he no longer exists, or you'll be hurting so much every day - better to try and forget about it, hard though that will be.

and for you - so sorry you're going through this.

It does sound like you've got a lot going on and I agree with your husband/partner that it sounds like a good idea for you to take step away from all the drama with your dad and siblings and just focus on yourself and your kids.

It must be incredibly hurtful for him to cut you off like that but you know it's his loss. You sound like a great person with an amazing and husband and kids. Focus on them and let him realise what a mistake he's made in his own time.

op i am not trying to cherry pick here but trying to understand. If you left home at 16 and married an older man that raises Qs . You paid for everything for yourself but your siblings got significant $$ help. What you need now is emo help but for some people $$ help is easier to give. Your sm made a very disturbing statement about you and your father and i suspect she is not happy about your need for emo help from your father now. Both your parents wd no condone your being with your future dh while waiting for the long divorce process to finish. Did they collude on this? There needs to be a lot of digging deep to get to the bottom of all this with the help of someone who works in these areas. For now you are going forward with your dd's diagnosis and future edu plan with sn support. Since your father has exited stage left, , until you are able/want to work on these personal matters , you need to conserve your energy for your dd. Where is your dh in all this?

I think he probably felt humiliated taking ds to the barbers and getting told he had nits and that was the last straw for him. He also probably considered this to be your fault if he had previously suggested that your ds's hair was cut but you left it long. I'm not saying it's your fault btw or that his behaviour is ok.

I have one child with asd and one NT (boy and girl) and really I have to deal with a minefield of shit, like you do. It honestly makes the nit business easier if the boy has short hair because then the 2 kids can't keep passing it between themselves (and you!). I got my ds a buzz cut after nits were continually circulating at school. It broke the cycle for us, he has never had nits again, 5 years on. Your ds can have long hair when he's older if that's what he wants, but at the moment, I'd seriously consider a short cut to keep your own workload under control. (Not to placate your dad!).

Regarding your dad I would ignore him. I think you were quite generous with the slack you cut him when he went off cheating and I definitely would have pointed this out to him when he was cutting you off. If he already has little contact with some of your siblings, it will not be too difficult for him to lump you into that group. I would ignore him and cut him off too. And what's more, I'd tell him to fuck himself if he ever came back with his tail between his legs.