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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going out of my mind worrying - what am I doing?!

34 replies

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 21:44

Hi all

I suffer with anxiety - I've never told anyone before and try to hide it, although I have been going to see a counsellor. But I have a situation and have no idea if my anxiety is kicking in or whether it's reality - I need someone to tell me what is real and what isn't! I'm literally going out of my mind with worry about my current relationship, of which he has no idea how am I feeling because I don't want to burden him with issues that could all be inside my head

I'll have been going out with my BF for 2 years in January. We tend to only see each other weekends because we live about an hour away from each other. I have 2 x DC's (older teenagers though) and he has a 10 year old which he has every other w/e

When we're together, things are great

When we're not, it's like we live completely separate lives. Well, I feel like he does. He doesn't communicate with me a lot during the week.. I try not to message him too much but sometimes I can't stop myself and think 'wtf - if I want to I will'.. He always messages me back, but I'm tired of always messaging him first. Anyway, this isn't the main issue

He's always out. Like nearly every night. He goes to his local town after work, goes to his local pub then sometimes two or three other pubs too until 11pm virtually every night he's not with me. Just recently, when he calls at night or if I call him, he's been VERY drunk. I don't like this! He is, though, going through a very tough time with his job which I know is making him feel rubbish. He's just had ended a long term senior position in a well known company and doesn't yet have a job to go to. He feels low about this.

I just feel like some girl he sees at weekends. He says all the right things, tells me how much he loves me and at the time it feels and seems really very genuine. He can't be more affectionate, caring and doting when we're together.. but as soon as we're not, I just feel like I'm almost an irritation or a distraction to him.

I've had two long-term marriages before him and not used to just having a 'boyfriend'. I just think that 2 years is a long time to still be like this!! Should I approach the conversation about moving in together? I don't want to be a 'stop-gap' in his life until he meets the right person... although I wonder if he is capable of ever really settling down properly. .he is a free spirit. I'm not saying he's doing anything wrong, I just don't know if this is normal - or right for me.

I've just spent the last half an hour crying because he updated his social media status saying what he was doing (at the pub having fun) while I'm sitting at home not doing anything and basically missing him - and I don't think he would EVER feel that way or do this if it were the other way around. He seems very comfortable with the way things are

I don't know if i'm just going crazy, being selfish, or my anxiety is making this a problem, if I just need to take a chill pill or if I should just end this now and not waste more time. I can't bear to think of not having him in my life though... I'm so torn. I've never been so happy, yet I've never been so sad

Talk to me!! (please x)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 21:50

Why on earth would you want to live with someone who makes you feel so bad?

Think about it.

He doesn't keep in touch with you when you're apart.
He gets blind drunk every night.
He's not working (is that connected with his drinking by any chance?)
He doesn't miss you.
He clearly doesn't want to live with you (nothing personal, there) - he's happy with his life the way it is.

Please, please, start a new life on your own. You could be with someone who loves and cares for you and wants to see you and to talk to you. You are missing out on that now.

This relationship won't go anywhere. On the other hand, of course, when he runs out of money he might be interested in moving in...

Seeyounearertime · 29/10/2015 21:53

So he's a borderline alcoholic, if not a full blown alcoholic.
He doesn't contact you because alcohol is more important.
He has time to status update but not txt you.

I think you're right to feel how you do and I would suggest that if you want to carry on with this then I'd suggest moving in and see his reaction. I have a horrible feeling that he sees you as his 'go to when horny' woman.
Also, an hour away? Make it half hour and meet in the middle a couple nights a week?

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 21:56

You're mostly right apart from the money thing

He's a very high earner, and pays a large amount to his ex-wife for DC. When he was happy in his job he didn't go out much - it's been since the work problems started that he's been going out more and more.

Everything else you're probably right about though.

I love life with him (when we're together) - we have been to many places around the world together, share great hobbies and interests and he outwardly loves being with me. I feel like I've never had it so good - and then so bad

Don't know what to do - it's so hard!!!

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 29/10/2015 21:57

Why haven't you moved in together already?
Surely if everything is perfect etc then you would have at least spoken about it?

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 21:59

Seeyounearertime

I am afraid you might be right.. I really do

I just don't get how he acts and treats me like I'm his 'life partner' (that's what he refers to me as) when we're together. He treats me with so much love (without sex as well)

OP posts:

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 22:01

Because my two DC's are rooted in their work/school, and his DC and work is an hour the other side (further away so 2 hours away from me)

We've just never discussed it.. I suppose part of me has been afraid to. I never know if I am thinking rationally and get extremely anxious which clouds my judgement so I try not to say or do anything in haste, in case it's not 'real'

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 29/10/2015 22:09

He doesn't want to move because the job he doesn't have anymore is nearer where he lives and the child he sees every other weekend is nearer where he lives?
That's odd, IMO, he could easily move to you or nearer by at least, find work and then still have DC over weekends.

Sounds, and this is just my opinion obviously, like he wants the single life but also to have a partner when he chooses. If that situation isn't good for you, change it.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 29/10/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 22:13

That's how it feels to me also. I didn't want to write my OP to coerce people to think that way because I need clarity though

I know this is going to sound so cliche.. but I do think that his job thing has a lot to do with his distraction. It has got significantly worse since then. I wonder if I should try and keep things going until the work front has settled, and then have a frank and honest conversation about it.. which in fairness to him, I have never done before because I've always tried to be the 'cool girl' and also seriously questioned my thoughts because of my anxiety. It's really horrible because you never know if your thoughts and feelings are justified, or if you're just overthinking things

OP posts:

Squeegle · 29/10/2015 22:14

It probably just suits him like this. Question is does it suit you?

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 22:17

Thanks PinkFlamingo

I've never said anything about how I feel because it would seem like all I was doing was criticising, or picking fault in the relationship

There are so many things that are good, and I'm worried I will spoil things if I just complain! But then again, if that's how I feel then that's how I feel huh? I just can't imagine being someone that we have such amazing times and good things.. it would feel like settling for something less in order to gain something I'm missing. My head is in such a state

OP posts:

Original poster

showsomeclass · 29/10/2015 22:22

Obviously not squeegle - It's killing me inside!

I hoped things would have progressed further by now. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had a similar type of relationship

OP posts:

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 29/10/2015 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missdjcabz · 29/10/2015 22:39

I have anxiety and my partner goes to the other end of the uk to see his DC once a month and while he is away i convince myself that everything is awful and he is cheating and all sorts but once i see him im fine again and know that there is no chance he would do these things, im very open with him about my crazy so he does understand why i freak out while he is away and while i feel the way i do sometimes.

I think if you have the same sort of issues as me things may not be as bad as you think and you could start with having a very open chat with him about how you feel, wanting to move forward etc

The drinking isnt gunna help but perhaps he doesnt realise how much he is drinking, he just sees it as a way to fill his time and hasnt realised how bad its got.
I do think with anxiety the best way forward is complete honesty, good luck if you decide to have a chat about it xx

Original poster

showsomeclass · 30/10/2015 00:28

Wow missdj - I'm like that! I think all sorts as the day goes on when we're apart, but then one text or one call, and I'm completely fine

He's going through a shit time himself which has really damaged his ego and I think he is almost afraid of showing me his weaker side or not being 'on form' when he's with or speaks to me

Anxiety is hard to deal with but I know I need to be open with him. Once the job thing has settled down, I definitely will. It's the only way I can deal with it and if he cares enough, he'll be there. If not, he was never meant to be

OP posts:

Jan45 · 30/10/2015 14:22

He wants a part time relationship, you don't, you want full commitment, time to move on or at least tell him it's all or nothing, that would do my head in also, he's a selfish prick.

RiceCrispieTreats · 30/10/2015 14:43

I don't think this is your anxiety: you just want more from this relationship than weekend visits. He's comfortable with things as they are. So you just need to:

tell him you want more, and discuss what changes you are both willing to make; and
after this conversation, assess whether your needs are now being met, and if they are not, accept that it is the relationship that does not suit you.

You are not defective for wanting a more involved relationship.

SevenSeconds · 30/10/2015 14:55

Nearly two years is a relatively long time to be together without starting to talk about moving in, but in your case it is more understandable due to jobs, schools etc.

I don't suffer from anxiety, and I think in your shoes I would be wondering where this is going. So I don't think your anxiety is inventing the problem, but it does sound as if it could be making it worse, ie you do sound very stressed about this.

I think you should broach the subject of moving in together and see where that leads.

April2013 · 30/10/2015 16:17

I had\have an anxiety problem and it used to make me doubt myself in so many ways which had a huge impact on me and my relationships, i struggled to be assertive or trust my instincts, then I had CBT counselling which has taught me to have more confidence in my own opinions and feelings and though I'm not at all cured I do feel more confident in myself which makes life a lot easier - you could try get some more counselling or I saw the other day there are a few good looking 'XXX for dummies' books on anxiety and CBT. It is a shame your anxiety has stopped you from acting on your feelings which are totally valid, but it sounds like things are coming to a head and you are realising you have valid opinions and feelings which you want to act on. Hopefully when you start talking about it with him you will be able to find a good compromise so that you get more of what you need - do you think it might be that he assumed you were happy with the situation and so if you tell him you're not he will be willing to change things so you get what you need? I guess you might find he won't change, it is complicated by him being in a bad place at the moment with work\alcohol. I really hope he isn't one of those men who just want to be in the pub and that's more important than relationships, but the fact you have a great time at the weekend is a positive sign.

category12 · 30/10/2015 16:34

I'm not sure about the advice to talk about moving in together. I don't know whether this would be a good relationship to move forward with - if he's down the pub most nights, is he a functional alcoholic? Is this the kind of lifestyle you would wish to enter? I don't think you should assume it's loneliness driving him there every night, it might be the way he likes to live. How he is with you at weekends may be completely different to how it would be 24/7.

LuluJakey1 · 30/10/2015 18:01

Did you say that on top of the drinking and the only seeing him at weekends, you don't have sex- or did I misread that?

iminshock · 30/10/2015 21:15

do you have an interesting life of your own when you are not with him?

ForChina · 30/10/2015 21:22

You sound so needy of him. He sounds quite damaged and like he has an alcohol problem. It's not a good combination. :(

I would advise you to protect yourself as much as you can and draw back a little. See if he does any of the running. If he doesn't... you have your answer.

Original poster

showsomeclass · 03/11/2015 09:37

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your comments. They are great

Well the weekend was interesting. We went out on Friday night and after a couple of drinks, I started talking to a friend about the whole thing and was telling her I was at the end of my tether - she was telling me to hang on in there because it's obvious he loves me. Anyway, he heard the whole thing! Neither of us said anything until we got home.. Then he sat me down and told me he is totally in love with me, wants our relationship to develop and that when he goes into his new job, he wants to make sure it is also right for our relationship and that he promises to put/give more to 'us'.

That's what he said anyway. He was very loving towards me for the rest of the weekend - I didn't say anything when he was talking - I just listened, as he doesn't do it very often and wanted him to be able to. I secretly wanted to ask more questions about HOW does he see out relationship developing. What is he going to actually DO to put more into us? Slowly slowly catchy monkey though I guess.. I'll also monitor the going out drinking thing - I'm hoping it was just a blip and how he was dealing with the job loss which to him, isn't just financial, but a huge ego dent.

I also think I'll leave moving in together discussion. I think our relationship needs fixed before that..

It's only Tuesday and I'm already feeling sick with worry, wondering why he hasn't texted me yet, is he going to call and also thinking, now he isn't working - should I almost expect him to come and see me during the week? I usually go to his at weekends.. But there's no reason why he can't come to mine one night during the week. That might be a good way to 'develop' things without rushing into living together and if he doesn't, then I'll have my answer.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

showsomeclass · 03/11/2015 09:49

Or should I do what forchina suggests? I've read a lot about the reverse psychology of this.. Men like to chase.. Win the prize. If he feels me pulling back - will that make him realise? Dangerous game to play maybe but might be effective in a good way

OP posts:

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