Going out of my mind worrying - what am I doing?!

[showsomeclass]

Hi all

I suffer with anxiety - I've never told anyone before and try to hide it, although I have been going to see a counsellor. But I have a situation and have no idea if my anxiety is kicking in or whether it's reality - I need someone to tell me what is real and what isn't! I'm literally going out of my mind with worry about my current relationship, of which he has no idea how am I feeling because I don't want to burden him with issues that could all be inside my head

I'll have been going out with my BF for 2 years in January. We tend to only see each other weekends because we live about an hour away from each other. I have 2 x DC's (older teenagers though) and he has a 10 year old which he has every other w/e

When we're together, things are great

When we're not, it's like we live completely separate lives. Well, I feel like he does. He doesn't communicate with me a lot during the week.. I try not to message him too much but sometimes I can't stop myself and think 'wtf - if I want to I will'.. He always messages me back, but I'm tired of always messaging him first. Anyway, this isn't the main issue

He's always out. Like nearly every night. He goes to his local town after work, goes to his local pub then sometimes two or three other pubs too until 11pm virtually every night he's not with me. Just recently, when he calls at night or if I call him, he's been VERY drunk. I don't like this! He is, though, going through a very tough time with his job which I know is making him feel rubbish. He's just had ended a long term senior position in a well known company and doesn't yet have a job to go to. He feels low about this.

I just feel like some girl he sees at weekends. He says all the right things, tells me how much he loves me and at the time it feels and seems really very genuine. He can't be more affectionate, caring and doting when we're together.. but as soon as we're not, I just feel like I'm almost an irritation or a distraction to him.

I've had two long-term marriages before him and not used to just having a 'boyfriend'. I just think that 2 years is a long time to still be like this!! Should I approach the conversation about moving in together? I don't want to be a 'stop-gap' in his life until he meets the right person... although I wonder if he is capable of ever really settling down properly. .he is a free spirit. I'm not saying he's doing anything wrong, I just don't know if this is normal - or right for me.

I've just spent the last half an hour crying because he updated his social media status saying what he was doing (at the pub having fun) while I'm sitting at home not doing anything and basically missing him - and I don't think he would EVER feel that way or do this if it were the other way around. He seems very comfortable with the way things are

I don't know if i'm just going crazy, being selfish, or my anxiety is making this a problem, if I just need to take a chill pill or if I should just end this now and not waste more time. I can't bear to think of not having him in my life though... I'm so torn. I've never been so happy, yet I've never been so sad

Talk to me!! (please x)

That is NOT what I suggested. I said protect yourself from a drinker who shows little interest in you, not play some kind of shit game and describe it as 'winning the prize'.

FWIW I think he said what you wanted to hear to keep you happy. I think it's weird that you didn't feel able to have a two-sided discussion where you asked the questions you 'secretly wanted' to ask. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere good and I think that you sound far too needy of him.

I think there is no much angst in your post. You must be exhausted by it all.

He seems to run the show calls the shots and you are there whenever required.

Why did he hear your friend saying 'it's obvious he loves you' did she want him to hear.

Cringe

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your post ForChina

I find it really difficult to say what I actually want / feel in fear of creating friction or adding pressure unnecessarily. It would be really hard to end a relationship with someone who I actually love, even if my head knows it's the right thing to do. I am indeed far too needy of him. I wish I wasn't I really do...

I don't want to just write the relationship off if it could work out really great! I'm just having a hard time dealing with it at the moment and not sure if it's my anxiety making me worry a lot more than what I would normally

And don't ever try to be the 'cool girl'

Just be yourself.

I am only1scoop

I've never been like this before. It's one of those things that is SO good, but SO bad (in terms of feelings, not how he actually treats me)

I do feel a little like he has the relationship on his terms.. but I blame myself for that. I let it go that way and let him take the lead in how fast the relationship moved and went along with it. I was totally smitten when I met him and things progressed - I didn't want to push things and push him away.

No, he heard the whole conversation - including me saying I was at the end of my tether. We were in a busy pub but we had stepped outside - he was on his way out and heard us so I guess stood there a while. She knows him really well (for about 20 years) and keeps trying to reassure me that he has told her I am his 'perfect fit' and actually said once that he things I am the one that is going to hurt him. Maybe he's a commitment-phobe and is actually scared of getting hurt himself!

I think that slowly slowly doesn't catchee any monkeys, sorry.

I'm unimpressed with it all tbh - especially now I read you do all the running round.

But that aside, sod slowly slowly. I'd say "look, I listened to you at the weekend, great. Come over this weekend and we'll talk more". Make HIM come over, then lay EVERYTHING out. If what you want isn't what he wants to give, end it.

Perfectly fine not to live together after 2 years, if that suits both. But overall, your set up now doesn't suit you.

All slowly slowly ever did to the poor monkey was drive it crazy!

Oh sweet Jesus.

You know what?

I wish there was an actual LAW that said anyone woman who uttered a variation on "maybe he's a commitment phobe and scared of getting hurt" had to split up immediately!!!

No, he's not a commitment phobe.
No he's not scared of getting hurt.

There's maybe 1 man out there in the 1000 we women give this excuse to, where it is true. And you know what? That 1 man needs to take his arse to therapy and sort HIMSELF out. Cos the love of a good woman doesn't fix it.

If you can't have an open conversation about your needs for fear of losing him, this is dead in the water.

Perfect fit can just mean perfect that you do exactly what he wants, at his pace, don't bother him in the week and do all the travel at weekends
Perfect fit for HIM.

I don't have an open conversation with him because I'm concerned it's my anxiety that is over-dramatising everything and will come across as a psycho and make him run for the hills! I have a place in my head which wonders if actually everything is fine, heading in the right direction (albeit slowly) etc but I am over worrying and over thinking it all

I CHOOSE to go to his - he does offer to come to mine but no-one else lives at his house so we get better quality time together and I have also made friends with his friends and enjoy going there. I can ask him to come here one night a week and see..