Husband Affair Has Left Me Heartbroken

[Homealone123]

Hi
I'm new to this site so this is all a bit strange to me.
I've been with my husband for 18 years and married for nearly 12 of those. We've always had a great marriage and 2 lovely kids.

Since about Xmas last year I noticed my husband seemed to have lost his spark. He was always very driven work wise and runs his own business. He gradually stopped caring about it all. At the same time he became very close with one of the mums at my sons football team. I didn't think anything of it as I trusted him totally and have never suspected anything untoward.
This "friendship"seemed to grow with the other woman and before long we were arguing a lot as I said I wasn't happy with the friendship and I wanted it to stop. He poo pooed me, telling me I was being stupid.
What followed was months of mental torture for me. I became more and more suspicious. I finally resorted to bugging his car and found out he was planning to leave me, get custody of the children and that he was in love with her. i confronted him and he said he had been going through a really tough time, felt depressed and not himself. We tried to work through things with counselling and holidays away over the Summer but he won't stop speaking to this woman. It's torture for me but he's adamant they are just friends. I ultimately filed for divorce after months of misery. He hasn't contested it but he still wants us to be friends for our children's sake and is still saying nothing is going on with her. I followed her a few nights ago and she went to the new house he has rented. It was 11.30 at night. Who has a woman in their home at that time as "just a friend"! I went mad at him as he's been trying to say we're not over and he just needs time to sort his head out. I've given him so many chances to be honest with me but he just won't admit they are more than friends. I'm totally heartbroken. Him and our children were my whole world and I'm now desperately unhappy. I've lost a lot of weight and can't sleep. I've got anti depressants and sleeping pills from my doctor and counselling session in a couple of weeks time. I know I need to be strong and tell him to just leave me alone for good but I still love him very much and I really miss him. Pathetic I know. I'm finding it hard to cope and I just wish he'd come to his senses. He's 44 and she is 30. They have nothing in common at all. Just need some support from anyone at the moment. Don't think I've ever felt so low in my entire life ??

I'm so sorry for what you are going through OP. Lots of us have been through something similar. My cheating exH lied, minimised and said that he needed time too. We were married for 20 years and together for 30. 18 months later I was in pieces and he was loving the attention of having me and OW both flitting round him while he told us both what a tortured soul he was so I finally filed for divorce.

Of course he is shagging her. He doesn't want to admit it because that would mean that he had to take responsibility for his actions. But stop torturing yourself. You don't need any more proof or for him to admit it. You know he is a liar so don't give him more chances to lie to you.

I don't have any magic answers, but you are at the worst time now. It does get better, but that takes time. It gets better faster if you stop having any contact with him. I found that I had an overhang of feelings for him long after I knew that our marriage was utterly irredeemable. That takes time to go, but believe me it does go.

Now is the time to be very gentle with yourself and your DC and put yourselves first. You owe him nothing and you just need to sack him off now.Eat easy food and look after yourself physically and mentally. I found I got into a real rut of going over and over it in my head, but the best thing to do is keep busy, see friends as much as possible and do exercise. I normally hate exercise but the hour a week I spent training at a gym saved my sanity that first year.

FWIW I am now four years down the line from discovery, two years after divorce. The last two years have been the happiest of my life.

There are a few issues here OP.

1. He's gasslighting you (look it up, sorry I can't link). You have proof that he's cheated and he's still denying it. Hence your anxiety and depression.

1. He's minimising what he's done and telling you the bare minimum - there is no hope of anything unless you get full disclosure from him.

1. He's still in contact with her. He should be genuinely remorseful and cut all contact with her.

1. He was plotting with her to leave you and take your children from you.

Please don't underplay this - that is cuntish behaviour. This alone should give you the absolute fucking rage.

1. You have not disengaged - you must do this for your mental health. Stop following her. Stop worrying about them and what they're doing. Get angry. He's treated you like shit.

1. He's not 'going to come to his senses'. Sorry, but he's with her. Don't humiliate yourself by doing the Pick Me Dance. You'll regret it when you do finally get angry and see him for the pathetic fucker he is.

Finally, sorry you're going through this. Counselling will help see you through this and I'm sure there will be some more advice along soon.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a horrible time. Clearly your ex has continually lied to you and doesn't even have the guts to come clean even though you have separated.

It sounds as if the trust had left your marriage a long time ago if you resorted to bugging his car. You gave this man a second chance and he threw it back in your face so he really does not deserve any more of your time and energy.

Please be kind to yourself and try not to fixate on how he is living his life now. As painful as it is he is now free to see whomever he chooses to and following his "friend" in your car at 11.30 at night will only make this horrible situation more heartbreaking for you.

The counselling sounds a really positive step towards your new life.

I was married for almost 25yrs. Less than a year after leaving me my exh married the OW who "didn't exist". I wasn't on MN then, I didn't know there was a script they all follow - but they really do!

Please believe me when I say that you can come out of this in a better place than you were before. He's showing you who he really is - if you look back over your relationship you will probably come to accept that this is who he always was - but you minimised it because you were in love with him. Do you know what ? I've been single 5yrs now and realise that part of me still loves my exh, always will, and that's fine for me, we had some great times, DC that I'm even closer to now, and good memories. Would I take him back? Never. I'm happy with my good memories, no-one can take them away from me - but I've moved on, I have a new life which is under my control, I have good friends, the DC, I'm happy. My ex jumped into marriage with the OW (younger of course) and has to live with the consequences of that (not a bed of roses evidently - apart from the thorns)

Please use the counselling to help you get to a similar place, where you don't feel you have to reject the past you had - or yearn for it - at times it was amazing, at times, OK, recently it's been shit. Build a better future for yourself and your DC. I'm now at the point that I'm happy he met the OW. Financially I'm not as comfortable, and that can be worrying I admit, but I'm ok and enjoying my life very much.

He's definitely shagging the OW, if she's at his house at that time. He's playing it down with you, as he's not sure whether he wants her, or whether he might want to come home. Testing the water to see if the grass is greener. He's leaving you hanging. Just tell him you know what's going on and it's over. You could never trust him again. What an absolute toss pot!

Ok, so you know he's with her, he's gas lighting you because he doesn't want to be "that guy" who fucks off at the first chance of a shiny new life. Well he is that guy. What's more, he was planning to take your DC from you. You need to find your anger! How dare he!

Until you find your anger, you really need to reduce contact with him. Tell him you want nothing more to do with him and will only tolerate conversations about the kids from now on. If he tries to talk about your relationship, cut him off, refuse to participate, it takes two to have a conversation, he can't have one on his own.

You need to take back some control, fake it till you make it and one day the fog will lift and you'll see him for who he really is. Tell HIM it's over, stop waiting around for him to do it to you. You've given enough chances.

Well that's what I think you should do anyway. Sorry, I'm raging on your behalf

This man is not your friend. You need to go no contact with him. He doesn't set foot in your home and doorstep handover for the dc only. I hope you are divorcing him for adultery.

He is clearly having a sexual relationship with this woman and has been for some time. He is also lying to you. This is making you very confused and unhappy.

The only way to clear your head is to stop listening to his lies and have contact only through a third party about the divorce and the children.

Once the confusion he is causing you ends you will see clearly you have no future with him any more and the remnants of the love you had will go. Only then can you move on and accept the inevitable.

I agree too you should find your anger!

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. You have to accept that you cannot remain friends with your ex after the many lies he has told you. He has been very cruel to let you think that the marriage could continue when he was planning to leave and take the DC. He's a nasty piece of work and you will be happier once you realise you deserve better than this scumbag.

Thank you so much ladies. I really appreciate all your comments. I am angry and in time the love will fade. He has treated me appallingly and I think it's the shock of it all that's hitting me most. I truly can't believe that he's done this. I AM sad because he was not only my husband but my best friend so it feels like a double whammy.
However, I need to move forward and draw a line under it and have his fun and games with her. He will realise one day that the grass wasn't greener and hopefully I will be in a happy place by then and won't care that he's miserable! Will keep you posted and thanks again for all your support.
Xx

he may never admit he has done anything wrong. cheaters block and deny their bad behaviour.

do the counselling to help you deal with your feelings. that's a great start.

make sure you get all your financial entitlements from him.

95% of relationships borne out of cheating never work out. he may yet regret thinking through his bell-end.

finally, do not ever consider taking him back.

Read this OP:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

And this www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

yup time to get angry dear OP

he is not only cheating, and conniving to take your kids but he is fucking LYING about it and MINIMISING IT.

I am pleased you have a therapist- but hope they are good.

you will get so much help on here. But I think you need to get help to develop a new strength and stop putting up with this bullshit from him

fuck off they are still friends
fuck off saying he will file for custody

not only has he broken his vows he won't even admit it and it fucking with your head

another (angry on your behalf)

By the way this is the link for mediation, best to be 27,000 steps ahead of him on this OP

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/mediation

He sounds like an arsehole. Nobody sshould treat anyone like that. You are entitled to feel angry.

Shut yourself down to him. Break down behind closed doors but do not let him see how you feel.

You can't let him do this to you. You're far far better than this and his silly sad cow, ow.

Either he will tell the ow to piss off and perhaps, just perhaps you might want to reconcile or you have to know that he is not your friend.

He is trying to stitch you up. Royally. Don't let him. Get tough. Move faster than him and go see a solicitor.

Don't assume he's stopped caring about his business or that that isn't a deliberate plan. Plenty of people run down a business or divert income from it to a new busienss you don't know about or deliberately earn very little to avoid paying anything once the spilt happens. Kepe a regular check on the company, do searches at Companies House, get copies of the compnay's accounts - if it's a limited company, have copies of all pension paperwork , savings, cards and credit cards. Check joint bank statements every day on line.

OP, offering you a massive hug and handhold . I have been in your shoes, am now two years on but only recently divorced. It has been hell for me and my kids, mainly because my husband had a massive personality transplant or did he and I didn't see it and got involved with somebody known to us, widowed for literally five minutes, who has turned out to be the most malicious piece of shit I have ever come across. They have put my kids and I through hell. However....I have survived, I have come out of the other side, my ex-h lost EVERYTHING, he was forced to walk away from the marriage with nothing, he lost his baby son (subsequently diagnosed with ASD), his DSD of 14 years, his home, his friends, his life, his business. He looks old, fat, bloated and alcoholic. He was young, fit and handsome when he left. I am absolutely sure he will maintain that he is "happy", but many think otherwise. What a fool.

The best advice I can give you is to try and stop looking for things, I sent myself to the edge of madness doing that. There are plenty of things I wish I never knew. I took legal advice, but couldn't afford to continue with it, so I took him to court myself. You must get good legal advice. Seek counselling, I had 17 weeks worth and it saved me...as did starting my threads here on Mumsnet. The support and help I received will be with me for the rest of my life. So, please keep posting.

I promise you, promise you, promise you...you will get through this, you won't see it now, but you will. If anybody had told me I'd feel like I do now two years ago, I would have slapped them. They were right though! Life is good and my kids are happy with me. You deserve so much better than a cheating scumbag who will try every which way to make YOU to blame for his behaviour. Hold your head high and fight right back

KOKO .

....and everything DeoGratias says....all of that!

Please protect yourself and your DC.
He has betrayed you, keep that in mind.
He is certainly not your friend (any more or never been).

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You have seen the OW with your own eyes. It's enough!

Don't allow him to hurt you more than that.

You deserve all the wonderful things in this world. And he doesn't deserve you!

Lots of hugs coming your way from me, OP. Many, many of us have been in very similar situations. I discovered my exh had cheated on me for 11 of the 12 years we were together. He lied and lied and lied and I only got anywhere close to the truth at the expense of my own sanity. Trust me, you have all the evidence you need that your marriage is irreparably damaged. Do not allow him to gaslight you any further. As others have said, close off from him completely. Focus on the admin of being prepared for the inevitable divorce and division of assets, as well as your own mental and physical well being. And, six years in, I too can say it gets so much better. It's different, it's not what you signed up for, but it can definitely be better. My relationship with my dds is so much better now we're not in a toxic atmosphere of distrust. Yes, I have worried about money but I've learnt to stand on my own two feet. Laughter, good friends, forging a life for yourself - all very empowering.
It doesn't happen over night. Take all the help you can get. Good counselling can be invaluable. Try mediation, when YOU are ready. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate his wants, he's royally fucked you over already. Leave your old loyalty behind, just as he did.
And good luck. It really, really doesn't stay so miserable. I remember crawling into bed with my youngest and sobbing every night when they were asleep. I never thought I would have healed, moved on, grown as a person, found a wonderful relationship...or taken so much pleasure in seeing the old looking man who turns up to pick up his dds and looks thoroughly miserable :-)