Husband Affair Has Left Me Heartbroken

[Homealone123]

Hi
I'm new to this site so this is all a bit strange to me.
I've been with my husband for 18 years and married for nearly 12 of those. We've always had a great marriage and 2 lovely kids.

Since about Xmas last year I noticed my husband seemed to have lost his spark. He was always very driven work wise and runs his own business. He gradually stopped caring about it all. At the same time he became very close with one of the mums at my sons football team. I didn't think anything of it as I trusted him totally and have never suspected anything untoward.
This "friendship"seemed to grow with the other woman and before long we were arguing a lot as I said I wasn't happy with the friendship and I wanted it to stop. He poo pooed me, telling me I was being stupid.
What followed was months of mental torture for me. I became more and more suspicious. I finally resorted to bugging his car and found out he was planning to leave me, get custody of the children and that he was in love with her. i confronted him and he said he had been going through a really tough time, felt depressed and not himself. We tried to work through things with counselling and holidays away over the Summer but he won't stop speaking to this woman. It's torture for me but he's adamant they are just friends. I ultimately filed for divorce after months of misery. He hasn't contested it but he still wants us to be friends for our children's sake and is still saying nothing is going on with her. I followed her a few nights ago and she went to the new house he has rented. It was 11.30 at night. Who has a woman in their home at that time as "just a friend"! I went mad at him as he's been trying to say we're not over and he just needs time to sort his head out. I've given him so many chances to be honest with me but he just won't admit they are more than friends. I'm totally heartbroken. Him and our children were my whole world and I'm now desperately unhappy. I've lost a lot of weight and can't sleep. I've got anti depressants and sleeping pills from my doctor and counselling session in a couple of weeks time. I know I need to be strong and tell him to just leave me alone for good but I still love him very much and I really miss him. Pathetic I know. I'm finding it hard to cope and I just wish he'd come to his senses. He's 44 and she is 30. They have nothing in common at all. Just need some support from anyone at the moment. Don't think I've ever felt so low in my entire life ??

Homealone123 Good advice from all the posters here but.

Best bet for you now is to hold your head up high and seek a good Solicitor and then he'll see the cold reality of it all.

Seems to me his new bit on the side is going to cost him dear;!.

Some great advice here, I have seen this happen many, many times and the wife eventually has the last laugh.You will look back one day and all the hurt and anger will be nothing but a distant memory. Your vile husband has done you a favour, you will heal, it just takes time. Stay strong.

The best way to let him sort his head out - and how selfish of him tbh- is to only speak to him regarding the DC, and a bare minimum. Like going no contact except for the DC.

Then you get busy, arranging things with lawyers and working on being fabulous and ensuring you have a social life- so when and if he comes back you can laugh and tell him to fuck off.

Clearly you want him back. But the old him, not this loser who shags around and treats you like shit and plans to fuck you over whilst pretending you have a chance. Er - takes two to tango. Ignore him and his antics, and also ignore the ow. You know it's bollocks he's just friends with her. And how lovely - dating a married bloke who wants you round his house at nearly midnight. No romance then? Honestly, he's not fit to lick your boots.

Hello, MrsC has just told me about your thread (I'm in her kitchen right now!) and when we first met we were both broken people.

She could have written your post - in fact she wrote her own threads which take you from the pit of despair, just like you're feeling, now to the effervescent confident woman she is today.

What you're describing is how we all were around 4 - 6 months after they left. It's one helluva slog to get through the divorce, to cope with the heartbreak and to 'come out the other side' - slightly jaded, very knackered and mostly bewildered.

We all go through a stage of trying to explain their behaviour - trying to drill down to find "the truth" but I'm with Justaboy's advice. I'll add to it though:

He's done this dreadful thing to you. You didn't deserve it. Your STBXH is a shit.

That's it.

I am so sorry, yes we have all been through it but, hell, what a journey!

I thought I was broken but here I am long past worrying and reminiscing, I do remember it though and I hope you make a fast recovery, I feel sure you can make it, if I did, anyone can!

When you feel heartbroken, remember he was going for custody of the kids - that would do it for me. Little shit.

You need to stay away and try to get a third party to deal with handing over the kids for contact etc. He is not changing, not even admitting the affair when you have proof. It is natural to grieve - but you also have to acknowledge you are grieving for a relationship that was not true and honest. You have given this man enough of your life, keep busy - plan activities with the kids, friends / family that you don't have to relive it with.

Like everyone has said take all the help offered and when you feel up to it, plan an alternative Christmas. You need to focus what you want out of life for you and your kids. Concentrate on eating, sleeping and getting out for whatever relaxes you - walks does it for me. I know easier said than done xx

I hope you find some peace soon and the strength to leave him behind.

Some lovely words here from everybody...Mumsnet is amazing at times of crisis. OP, how're you doing? Please do let us know

Hello all
Quick update since I posted last week.

Well during half term the husband had the kids for a couple of days while I was working and when I collected them they told me daddy had taken them out with OW and her kids for a fun afternoon out and dinner!!!!
I went batshit crazy, rang him and gave him a bollocking for taking the piss so much and how dare he!
In a complete temper I stopped him having the kids over the weekend and refused to answer his calls or texts. I've been very reasonable about him seeing the kids and the arrangements were working out for both of us. I'd even had a conversation with him a few weeks ago asking him not to have the kids around OW until things were less raw and our lives were more settled as I didn't want the kids heads messed among other reasons. He had totally agreed that was fair (even though he still wouldn't admit to being more than "friends "!!) and then he went and did the opposite! What an arsehole!
Consequently he is now raging about me stopping access. He's stopped my cards so I can't buy food or petrol and has already said he won't be putting any more money into a the joint account as he's not living here now so why should he pay for anything!
I feel like he's blackmailing me into seeing the kids by threatening to withhold money. I only work part time and earn a ridiculous amount each month. I could probably cover the food bill but that would be all. His name is on the bills and mortgage. Can he actually refuse to pay for anything? X
Btw, thank you for all the posts I've had. Bit comforting to know I'm not the only one whose husband turned out to be a completely evil shit!

OP, my husband did exactly the same thing. OK, practical advice. Without knowing your full financial situation, you need to ensure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. No, he can't stop paying the mortgage. Well he can, but it will bite him on the bum. My husband did this. I was working for "our" company but he sacked me without telling me and left me with no income. Ended up on income support/tax credits and eventually my mortgage interest being paid by the DWP. Shameful. I had all the "why should I" shit. Even "why can't your Dad pay the mortgage, I'm not living there"...erm. You absolutely MUST take legal advice asap. I would suggest putting in an application for spousal/child maintenance immediately. Contact everybody, your mortgage provider, all the utilities, explain the sitaution. They are all VERY helpful in these circumstances. If his name is on everything he's just shooting himself in the foot. In my immediate financial crisis, I went to the CAB, they were amazing. Please please get on the phone tomorrow if you can and start the ball rolling with this. In terms of the children, you can make a C100 application to get the contact situation sorted out. What an arsehole he is, be prepared...I hate to say that...but really you must be prepared.

Mine did the same - but also lumbered me with tens of thousands of pounds of bills to pay.

A good solicitor got things sorted out for me. But it was a tad expensive.

As much as you feel you still love him, you've now met the monster you're divorcing. It is truly the worst situation in the world.

You survive it. You really do. You just don't have a clue how until after.

My solicitor has received an email from husband last night stating that he won't continue to pay the bills etc as he's not living here anymore. He's stopped my cards so I can't buy food or petrol. All this after I offered for him to come round and see the kids for a couple of hours this week with a view to reinstating regular visits from them to him.
I'm utterly distraught as I'm now panicking how to pay all the bills etc. we have joint friends mostly that we have built up over the years and I'm now worried that I'm going to be ostracised as I'm now the potentially 'threatening' single woman. My family have been great but I feel really lonely.

You have two or three options. 1 make an emergency application to court for interim financial support having given him 7 days to agree to continue to pay a reasonable amount. 2, compromise with him or 3. get a full time job.

I agree with DeoGratias...and make that emergency application. You said all the utilities/mortgage are in your husband's name...so he shoots himself in the foot too. Twat. How did your solicitor respond to this manly show of responsibility? He WILL use the kids I'm afraid, mine did this to me. He cut maintenance in half purely out of spite and pays £150 a month for our DS because he's a nasty c**t. There is no other word for it. He also cut off the car insurance late at night so that I couldn't take the kids to school/nursery the next morning and then sent me a map showing me how "easy" it was to walk them to both (40 minutes for DD who is suffering with spinal issues as a result of an eating disorder). You need to grow steel balls my love, you really do. Please read my post again above about what you might be able to claim in terms of financial assistance. God the man is a total arse, I am so sorry you're going through this

Thank you Mrs C. I know you are all right in what you are saying. We've got Mediation coming up shortly so we can thrash things out properly with someone else there to referee us! I really appreciate everyone's support and I will keep posting. You do feel like you're the only person going through this and I've got my daughters birthday coming up in 2 weeks, plus Xmas (which I usually love). It's going to be a very difficult time but I know I've done nothing to warrant his disgusting behaviour and I sincerely hope one day he wakes up and thinks 'what the f**k have I done' and I will be in a better place by then and can take great pleasure in seeing him miserable like he's made me!

Good luck and take care of yourself as much as possible.

Really feel for you. Stay strong and detach as best you can. His behaviour is terrible and dishonest though I don't think you should should stop him from seeing his children.

Hi Lucy
I only stopped him seeing the children as we had made an agreement that he wasn't to take them anywhere near OW for a few months a) because I think he should give it Tim for things to settle down and let the kids get used to their dad not being here and also because he needs to be sure he's in a happy relationship before introducing them to her. But my main concern was )b she has a violent ex partner who is father to one of her children and I don't know as yet if he is aware that she has a new relationship. I don't want my kids to be at risk in any shape or form.
However I totally agree that the children need to see their dad so on advice from my solicitor I have reinstated access from this weekend on the understanding that he doesn't take the children near her. He has agreed to that so we,ll see how it goes!
Thanks for your support though. I do understand what you are saying about keeping the children from him. Despite being a dick, he's a good dad x

Home, I totally understand and accept your reason. He should not have had a day out with your kids and OW. He should have considered your feelings before doing that AND kept the promise he made to you to not do it. I hope he will start to act with some honour.