Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive??

76 replies

ohnonotanothernewbie · 28/10/2015 16:17

My DP and I have been together for 8 months, and he is on the whole a very kind, caring and loving man. He has given me an ultimatum regarding Christmas/New Year - either I lose 2 stone by Christmas, or he will not be joining me in visiting my family (who all like him, and want to see him over the festive period) over Christmas, and that I can explain to them why is not there. I don't know if he anticiaptes us continuing a relationship if I don't meet his required weight by then - he hasn't said. I do need to lose weight, but I don't know if he is employing some sort of "cruel to be kind" motivational tactic, or if he is being unreasonable/abusive?
Please help

OP posts:
StarkyTheDirewolf · 28/10/2015 20:51

Fuck that, get shut of him! You need to work on your self-esteem, what he's said demanded is not even a little bit OK. He is testing how you react to his request demand and by you kow-towing to it, you commit yourself to a life of misery. Do not have a child with this man!

Muckogy · 28/10/2015 20:53

it is indeed abuse.
ditch him. today.
just tell him to go fuck himself.
if you stay with him, expect him to get much worse in the future.

Phoenix69 · 28/10/2015 21:02

If you want to lose weight - lose weight set your own goals. If you don't want to lose weight don't. If you need to explain why he's not there its because he is a twat.

Seriously - it's your life. make the most of it. Surround yourself with loving people. Ditch the tossers. He is a tosser

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 21:47

"
You're 35, the worlds at your feet! I'm 47, didn't have my son till I was almost 40, no reason at all for you to settle. Even then, an anonymous sperm donor would be better than this idiot boyfriend."

THIS. Well said Hissy.

Clarella · 28/10/2015 21:53

He has to body build to circumference of pecs/ ability to weight lift xyz and if not must explain to your closest friends why not in a specially designed Christmas card.

My friend states describing thing like this at the start of what ended up being an abusive relationship. Initially she laughed it off and he seemed to also need her more than she was in to him initially but eventually it got her seriously questioning herself, confidence etc till she truly believed there was no one else who would have her.

When it got physical she left him.

Now with amazing man. Regrets wasting years with previous bloke as seemingly too old to have children.

Clarella · 28/10/2015 21:56

In fact you sound so like my friend. She was about 34 when she met him. 39 when she met her now fiancé.

As I say regrets wasting those years.

Only stayed with him as she thought he was only way to have a baby. Even if he was a dick.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 22:07

Clarella interesting parallels there.

It's a shame there is so much pressure to settle down and have a baby in their 30s. There is no law that says when you hit 35 you have to have a baby with the nearest abusive dickhead man you can find. I think in that situation I would prefer to go the sperm donor route, or wait until I've met someone and then go for IVF or adoption.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 22:07

Meant "pressure on women"

Oysterbabe · 28/10/2015 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/10/2015 22:24

If you were my daughter nothing would disappoint me more than you settling for a man who doesn't deserve you and treats you like this.

Sharing some interests and liking his children will never be enough to fulfill you emotionally, if he is capable of this kind of cruelty after 8 months imagine what he will be like in 8 years.

When he is good, he is very very good

But when he's not he's an abusive shit.

How good will he be when you add the stress of a baby and all that comes with that?

DraenorQueen · 28/10/2015 22:26

Probs right, Oyster. Have you flagged it to MNHQ?

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2015 23:49

Dump this man, immediately. And then take some time off dating - at least six months - to work out why you didn't roar with laughter when he said that to you. I'm inclined to suspect that you have a history of being bullied and abused - are your parents the sort who make you feel that you have to be obedient and grateful all the time? Did they give you the idea that a woman without a male owner is wicked or faulty in some way? Or have you had one or more previous relationships with abusive, woman-hating men?

daiseehope · 29/10/2015 02:45

OP, what he said is nasty, unreasonable, unloving and truly stunning! What worries me even more though is that he thinks that when you stand in front of your family at Christmas and announce why he is not there that they will think this is fine and reasonable!

I did what you are thinking of doing. When he is good, he is very, very good. But when he is bad he is evil. The thing that I have learnt though is that every nasty comment, sly dig, whatever, although small and easily brushed off is like a little sliver of ice going into your heart. If you stay with him the effect will be cumulative. I am sitting alone outside now because of my insomnia (which often affects me when he's nasty) and because I don't want to go to bed with him. I have been told tonight that I am lazy, a twat, a bad housekeeper, and that I deserve a fucking medal. My three kids have heard him bitch at me constantly for the last two days and I'm sure that my eldest is anxious because of it. I am caught in a house which is not mine with a wedding booked, an elderly recently widowed mum, 3 kids and two dogs. I have no money, and now no professional standing. His behaviour caused me to miss a lot of work, so I eventually lost my job. We moved and I was told he was being bought a house for us, it was his and his mother's. My name is not on the deeds. When we moved I lost all my equity. So I have no money and huge debts. I do not know you from Eve but please end this.

You can keep telling yourself that he's really nice though eh?

timelytess · 29/10/2015 02:53

I've only read the opening post.
I want you to learn the following phrase and say it to your DP (dick prick?). Ready?
"Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more. Forever."
Please accept my apologies for my bad language. I had a DH for a while and he was equally as unreasonable as your DP.

Original poster
ohnonotanothernewbie · 29/10/2015 10:04

Thank you so much everyone - I was really hoping that it was an isolated incident of twatbaggery, instead of actually abusive, but it would appear not.
I need to work on my self esteem/self respect, as I have read back what I put in my origianl post (which is completely genuine - why on earth would anyone make this kind of shit up??!!) and thought to myself, bloody hell, if someone said that kind of thing to my best friend, I'd be livid, but apparently can't muster up the same kind of indignation for myself. My plan going forward is to take a break from him, sort my own head out, and stop being a doormat.
Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2015 10:19

Glad to see your update OP.
Your thread was very worrying.
Putting up with abusive shite is not OK and you know it.
Pleased you are taking action.
Get him gone and don't let him back.
I dread to think how much worse he would get if you stayed with him.
Please do the Freedom programme!!

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 10:21

Thanks for the update, OP.
"My plan going forward is to take a break from him, sort my own head out, and stop being a doormat."
Excellent plan! Smile

Fixitwithwine · 29/10/2015 10:22

Good for you OP dont settle for that crap. Take care

Joe1179 · 29/10/2015 10:25

He's a grade A twat. Ditch him.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 29/10/2015 10:25

Ugh. Haven't read the whole thread, and I am sure everyone has already said what I'm about to (and much more eloquently), but honestly- what a tool. Think of getting rid of him as an early Christmas present to yourself.

Aside from anything else, losing that much weight in such a short period of time is incredibly unhealthy.

AskBasil · 29/10/2015 10:41

ohnonotanothernewbie, well done on your decision.

Good luck for the future.

daiseehope, I presume you're going through with the wedding only because of the legal rights it will give you when you divorce the charmless fucker?

FantasticButtocks · 29/10/2015 10:42

either I lose 2 stone by Christmas, or he will not be joining me in visiting my family (who all like him, and want to see him over the festive period) over Christmas, and that I can explain to them why is not there. Shock

The answer to that is 'No you won't be coming to spend Christmas with me and my family, and yes I will be telling them exactly^ why!'

To contemplate having a baby with a man who thinks its ok to speak to you with so little respect after only eight months - very bad idea.

ptumbi · 29/10/2015 10:43

Well done OP - think long and hard. Flowers

daiseehope - please start your own thread for help and advice There are ways of escaping (cancel the bloody wedding, for a start) and phone Womens Aid for help. Flowers

CainInThePunting · 29/10/2015 10:50

That's a good plan OP, it's very important to keep a realistic view of such comments and the effect they have on you.

I went from challenging comments about my appearance ("I did look in the mirror when I got dressed you know") to opting for what I thought was an easy life. It wasn't in the end and the mindfuckery did impact my perception of myself.

You mustn't let that happen.

AnyFucker · 29/10/2015 13:21

Make it a permanent break, love.