Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is this abusive??

76 replies

ohnonotanothernewbie · 28/10/2015 16:17

My DP and I have been together for 8 months, and he is on the whole a very kind, caring and loving man. He has given me an ultimatum regarding Christmas/New Year - either I lose 2 stone by Christmas, or he will not be joining me in visiting my family (who all like him, and want to see him over the festive period) over Christmas, and that I can explain to them why is not there. I don't know if he anticiaptes us continuing a relationship if I don't meet his required weight by then - he hasn't said. I do need to lose weight, but I don't know if he is employing some sort of "cruel to be kind" motivational tactic, or if he is being unreasonable/abusive?
Please help

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 28/10/2015 16:48

Do not try for a baby with this piece of shit! This sounds like the start of a very controlling, abusive relationship and if I were you, I'd get out now. And why should you need to go back to your parents, can you not support yourself, you've only been with him 8 months

Chippednailvarnish · 28/10/2015 16:49

Where is your self respect?
And ffs don't get pregnant. What if starts make theses frankly batshit crazy demands on your child?

Choughed · 28/10/2015 16:49

No no no no no no no no no no no no.

He is a prick.

Dump.

Tell everyone exactly why, they will applaud you.

MotherOfFlagons · 28/10/2015 16:50

Here is a post from the future:

Hi MN, I posted before about my DP who gave me an ultimatum to lose two stone in less than two months otherwise he wouldn't spend Christmas with me. I managed to do it and we had a great time! In the NY, I got pregnant and DC is now six weeks old. I put on some weight during pregnancy and haven't been feeling very well. DP has given me another ultimatum that if I don't lose all my baby weight within three months, he will break up with me. What should I do? He's so lovely and I don't want to lose him and DC and me to have to move back to my parents!

What do you think you should do, OP?

Hillfarmer · 28/10/2015 16:58

No no and no.

Please do not contemplate having a baby with this man. Totally unacceptable to make you feel unacceptable for him. What's his other hobby, pulling the legs off spiders? Torturing cats?

This man does not deserve you. It wouldn't matter if you were the size of a bus, this man is a cruel and nasty person. Do NOT risk your happiness on him. I dread to think what he would be like further down the line... you've only been with him 8 months, this is the honeymoon stage - God knows what he has got in store for you if you commit further. For the sake of looking good at Christmas, you could be mortgaging your whole life to a sadist.

Read some books about abusive men. Sandra Horley wrote one. Abusive men aren't abusive the whole time and certainly not at first (although 8 months in is pretty early), that is how they hook you in.

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2015 17:02

I assume he is a finely toned Adonis?

Jan45 · 28/10/2015 17:02

Saddest post in a while, you are sticking with him cos you don't think you deserve any better than a guy who is dominating you and your weight issues.

Your choice of course but I'd guess he may well dump you before you get to the marriage and baby stage, he clearly is not happy with you and you accept that as normal.

Fixitwithwine · 28/10/2015 17:20

Tosser, get rid. You are a strong 35 year old woman who has done amazing with a steady, sensible weight loss that you were doing for YOU! I bet your family wouldn't like him so much if you did give that explanation for his absence at christmas, they'd think he was a tosser too frankly.

OddlyLogical · 28/10/2015 17:44

What the hell gives him the right to give these kinds of ultimatums?
This is not how healthy, supportive relationships work!!

RivieraKid · 28/10/2015 18:00

Chuck the arsehole and have a jaffa cake.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/10/2015 18:06

I think you should tell your parents he won't be joining them for Christmas. And I would be telling them exactly why. He is manipulative, abusive and a grade A prick. Don't waste another second of your time on him. Pleeeeaaasssse.

Chocoholicmonster · 28/10/2015 19:14

What a disgusting excuse for a 'man'. My DP wouldn't dream of saying something like that to me & I'm plus size. At the end of the day - if he's attracted to a particular size then he should of taken note 8 months ago when you got together. Trying to change someone is unacceptable.

I don't want to end the relationship for a number of reasons
More fool you.

and that I can explain to them why is not there
You're telling me he's completely willing for you to turn up to family on Christmas day & say ''He's not here because I didn't lost 2 stone in time'' & they are just going to be okay with that? Jesus. Please. Wake up!

Chocoholicmonster · 28/10/2015 19:15

Also, I'd like to add - You're a fool for even considering having a child with this 'man'. God forbid you end up with a daughter & she grows into her teens with a bit of puppy fat. ''No, you will not be going to prom until you lose a stone'' ... Ew.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 19:22

Is anyone else singing "Happy Christmas you arse, I pray God it's your last"?

OP, you can't have a baby with this man. I know you're 35 and you must be worried about time, but can't you see that the relationship would drive you crazy? He's horrible. He not only is insisting you lose weight, he wants you to be publicly humiliated if you don't. Why would you put up with this? And if your family like him, it's because they don't know him well.

TangledUpInGin · 28/10/2015 19:24

What you need to do is lose 12stone.

I.e. Him.

He sounds like the worlds biggest twat.

loveyoutothemoon · 28/10/2015 19:43

Get rid.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 19:46

you are planning to have a baby with this man ?

That would be a very foolish mistake

CainInThePunting · 28/10/2015 19:52

It's unreasonable and abusive.
What if you do lose the two stone? What will his New Year resolution be for you?
Once he realises he can control you like this he will use it and abuse it.

LeaLeander · 28/10/2015 19:52

No, no, no, no! Do not foist such a controlling, insulting man on any child as its father! Please. You will bitterly regret it.

To answer your question: yes, abusive. I would rather be alone for 1,000 years than subject myself to ultimatums and critiques from a "dear" partner.

maggiethemagpie · 28/10/2015 20:06

If he is so kind, caring and loving can you not TELL HIM how crass, insensitive and unacceptable his demand is, and see how he reacts?

If he doesnt get it, ditch him

TRexingInSportsDirect · 28/10/2015 20:07

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Do not have a baby with this man - don't inflict him as a father onto your baby, you will regret it so much. Especially if you have a girl, and she isn't slim enough for his liking either - neither of you will ever feel good enough for his 'standards'. He is not a nice man - he might seem nice, when it suits him, about other things, but he's showing you who he truly is here - what he wants to see is more important than how you feel (which should be happy, cherished, loved, valued and beautiful).

AskBasil · 28/10/2015 20:12

You can lose 12 stone by christmas really easily.

Him.

Honestly get rid.

8 months and you're unacceptable to him?

It doesn't really matter if this is abusive or motivational, it means he doesn't really care about you and if this is how he's acting after 8 months, imagine how he'll be after 8 years.

Planning to have a child with him is just wilful foolishness. A control freak like this will not be a good father.

If you want a kid that much, go find a sperm donor who won't be interested in using your kid to control you.

For God's sake don't have a kid with him. Just dump him already.

NameChange30 · 28/10/2015 20:20

Pretty unanimous so far. Good.

Hissy · 28/10/2015 20:30

Trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me, TRUST ME...

Dump him now! Nothing better than you going to your parents and telling them that he wasn't good enough for you and that any man who would give you an ultimatum like that is a prick and not worthy of an invitation to your parents for Christmas.

Never, ever, EVER have a child with a "man" this bloody shit... Not only will you hate him and hate your own life, you will never ever EVER forgive yourself for inflicting a poor innocent child with a wanker like that for a father.

My ds is almost 10. After almost 5 years his dad's been back in the uk and managed to disappoint him by not being remotely bothered about taking him to do anything fun, has laid about doing bugger all and been utterly hideous to me.

Have faith in yourself, don't settle for this shit man. If you are concerned about time etc, then don't waste a single second on this loser, get back out there and find a keeper.

You're 35, the worlds at your feet! I'm 47, didn't have my son till I was almost 40, no reason at all for you to settle. Even then, an anonymous sperm donor would be better than this idiot boyfriend.

MenopausalMaud · 28/10/2015 20:31

I would seriously consider getting rid of around 12 stone, not 2.
Good luck

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread