I cannot work out if he is straight or gay

[bridie69]

Anyone else experienced this? A man recently moved in to the local area and politely introduced himself to some of the neighbours. I see him around the place from time to time and he joined a choir I am part of. I really don't want to stereotype but he is quite a lot different to some of the local guys, always well dressed and groomed, seems totally at ease speaking to women and according to my friends Mum spent ages talking to an elderly lady locally about the flowers in her front garden. He lIves by himself and is 40ish. I used to always think it was obvious but not so much these days it seems.

Yes bridie, what's happening with that lovely Irish guy?

OK it seems a lot of people on here do not like what I have posted and take exception to it. I am sorry but I dont agree that there is something inherently wrong in wondering out loud about this, even if people think there is. We are all allowed to think and vocalise differently from others and well if people want to flame me or be a sniper or whatever it is called well fine go ahead. I am not going to be bullied off here, God knows I have allowed myself to be bullied quite enough in real life over the years.
As regards my Irish friend he has become just that. We had a long chat recently and a couple of mutual visits. He said at the end that we both needed to lead our lives, and mutually accept that one or the other might meet someone first, but we are attracted to each other and we also accept that. So after years of sitting on the sidelines I am finally living again and I have to say it feels great. Re my new neighbour I have filtered out the more positive and reasonable pieces of advice from here, for which I thank the posters. Of course it will be great to make a new friend and perhaps in the process discover where his attractions lie.

bridie, you are not being bullied and I apologise if you feel that you are. People have explained a few times that the problem is your generalisations and pre-conceived notions of sexuality. The thing to do is accept with good grace that you've been presumptive and move on. Accusing people of flaming, bullying, snipering (seriously, what is that?) does nothing to aid the discussion at all.

You're also guilty of drip feeding. You went from idle stereotypes, to an assertion that you didn't need to know his sexuality at all, you were just wondering and wondered if other people had ever been unsure of somebody's sexuality and then suddenly you are interested in a relationship and therefore there was a reason all along. You must see how frustrating this sort of drip drip drip is to people what are taking the time to respond to you?

Surely if you post on MN at all, you know that such stereotyping and drip feeding is going to ruffle people's feathers.

Good luck with your priest and the choir man. I hope the story has a happy ending.

I agree with you. There is nothing wrong, or unusual about wondering if a man is straight or gay. Find me a woman who has never looked at a man and wondered if she were, ahem, his type. I think it is easy for married ladies to sit on the side lines fanning themselves, reprimanding single women for thinking out loud.

I'd prefer not to make a total fool of myself.
OK, if you asked a man out who was wearing a t-shirt saying "Gay Pride", that might be a bit embarrassing, but if you ask a man out who could be gay or straight then that isn't making a fool of yourself. He says he's not interested and you say "Oh, shame!". Nobody has done anything stupid.

The op didn't explain that she was wondering if she was his type at first and people were responding to what she DID write along with her silly stereotyping. I quote...

I don't need to know no.But I would like to know. I just would

Just wondered if you'd ever encountered anyone you weren't sure about.

I was just curious about the way people are perceived and wouldn't dream of asking him about it it is his business after all.

All of this before finally deciding actually, she was attracted to him and trying to protect her feelings. That's very different to what she originally said.

And please don't try and make this about married vs unmarried women. Not only are the people who are responding not all married, they're not all women either. I think we've already seen how being reductive and presumptuous turns out through this very thread.

I would be looking for signs of interest before launching myself at anyone, especially if I wasn't sure of their sexuality. Is he seeking opportunities to chat with you or other women in the choir, as friends or otherwise? Do you ever catch his eye? I think the problem here is that one single man has come into view but it's a long way from that to getting together with someone.

Do you know what - chatting up a man and then finding out he's gay isn't the end of the world. It's not " making a fool of yourself "

Most gay men and lesbians are nice people , just like straight/ queer / all the other kinds of people . If you invite this guy to the pub for a drink after choir and you chat him up and he's gay , he will probably just drop it in the conversation . You know, just like most people let you know if they are not interested.

If he leads you on, then he's not a nice person, whatever his sexuality .

You are making a big deal of it when it doesn't needs to be