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Original poster

I cannot work out if he is straight or gay

59 replies

bridie69 · 27/10/2015 23:45

Anyone else experienced this? A man recently moved in to the local area and politely introduced himself to some of the neighbours. I see him around the place from time to time and he joined a choir I am part of. I really don't want to stereotype but he is quite a lot different to some of the local guys, always well dressed and groomed, seems totally at ease speaking to women and according to my friends Mum spent ages talking to an elderly lady locally about the flowers in her front garden. He lIves by himself and is 40ish. I used to always think it was obvious but not so much these days it seems.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 28/10/2015 00:31

There is a difference of opinion about it amongst those I talk to

Wow. Don't you have anything better to do? Poor man!

Smorgasboard · 28/10/2015 00:32

Why be preoccupied with someones sexuality? As you say, you won't ask him as it's his business. Now, why are you thinking about it and making it your business?
If you are interested from an attraction POV, that's reasonable, but if that's not your interest in him, then you are just being unnecessarily intrusive as his sexuality is then irrelevant. Either you like him as a person or you don't, his personal life is not a detail that you need to be furnished with or used as gossip.

StayWithMe · 28/10/2015 00:37

Gosh OP, sorry to say it, but your area sounds grim if people think he's gay because he looks after himself and seems nice. I can't help thinking of little britain's 'village shop for village people'.

MadeMan · 28/10/2015 00:38

Yep, he could still be gay even if he was shabbily dressed, smoking a fag and stamping on the old lady's flowers.

MardyBra · 28/10/2015 00:45

"as it happens I AM interested in him"

Really? Why wait to the fifth posting to tell us that. If your OP had said "I fancy my neighbour but I'm not sure if he's gay or not", I think the tone of the thread would have been much more jovial and supportive.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 28/10/2015 00:54

'Kin ell. Why the narky judgmental posts? I don't think it's weird to wonder if a guy is gay or straight. I idly wonder the same thing quite often, particularlying about acquaintances husbands. I'm probably weird.
Anyhoo. OP, I would probably get to know him a bit, and then you will get a better sense of whether he likes snails or oysters.

Good luck. Decent straight men are like needles in haystacks. You never seem to know where they are until you actually sit on one.

Smorgasboard · 28/10/2015 01:13

Well, if interested, say so from the off. You will only find out by getting to know him, if he turns out to be gay, he could still make a great friend as he is still a person who has qualities you admire it seems. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Original poster

bridie69 · 28/10/2015 01:19

Thanks Ifnotnow was beginning to wonder if anyone would ever write anything supportive again. As for mardy bra I have only recently admitted to myself that I fancy him so I suppose that may be why it took me so long on here. I am also a bit older than him and lacking in confidence but never mind. He is nice to be around and tbh I was wondering if there were any nice straight men at all. So many horrible men around who don't seem to like women, I mean from stuff I read on here and friends experiences that I suppose I am a bit wary.

OP posts:

KateToSayIt · 28/10/2015 01:21

It's not weird to wonder if someone is gay or straight.

What is weird is posting a list of characteristics on an Internet forum and hoping other people will be able to accurately judge a man's sexuality based on random facts

Garlick · 28/10/2015 02:07

When you're attracted to somebody, the usual thing to do is get to know them a bit better. See whether you get along, you know?

I don't foresee that leading to humiliation

If, on the other hand, you were planning to turn up on his doorstep dressed in nothing but your high heels - that could definitely lead to disappointment whether he's straight, gay or otherwise inclined!

tigermoll · 28/10/2015 07:25

If you like him, assume he's gay. Then go and be his friend -- by assuming he's gay, you will take the pressure off yourself to impress / attract him and you can get to know him for him. If he's as nice as you say (and many of the other blokes in the area aren't) then a) you'll enjoy his company and b) I'm sure he'll appreciate a friendly face. Then once you know him better, he'll probably tell you if he's gay /straight /bi /asexual /whatever.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 07:45

What Tiger moll said

If you are interested in him, just invite him for a coffee after choir . If you like him and he's gay, so what, you've made a new friend .

I have to say I'm a little suprised that anyone under the age of 80 still believes that you can tell someone's sexuality from their hobbies or grooming

HumboldtFog · 28/10/2015 08:51

"What's depressing about your op is the assumption that normative masculinity involves knuckle-dragging, dubious personal hygiene and knocking elderly women off the footpath. Or something."

That's something of a recurring theme in the OP's posts, Bloomsberry. It's very sad and comes across quite weird to me. There again, OP does seem to live in the 2015 version of Royston Vasey, or some kind of WUM...

OP , is this the same guy you were wondering about his sexuality a couple of weeks ago? You know, the one who you said is 'so nice' so you werew wondering if he was straight or not? It doesn't sound like the same guy as you were spending time with him, and there had been some snogging so I'm guessing this is another guy?

RudyMentary · 28/10/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/10/2015 09:05

Is this the Irish fella who almost became a priest or have you set your sights on someone else now?

AuntieStella · 28/10/2015 09:05

I'm glad you came clean and admitted you fancy him bridie69 because the reason why you want to know is clearer (it did all seem like somewhat unpleasant and intrusive stereotyping otherwise).

As you've had enough conversations directly with him to know things like how he dislikes FB, he must have noticed you. And perhaps hasn't noticed you in the way you wanted him to.

Do you have a front garden? Could you grow something interesting in it?

FarelyKnuts · 28/10/2015 09:06

How about (novel idea I know!!) getting to know the man? It sounds like you barely do, and judging his sexual preferences from a bit of gossip and a couple of "mannerisms" is hardly going to be a reliable indicator!

WitchWay · 28/10/2015 09:12

He's joined your choir so you have plenty of chance to get to know him. Organise a meal out with a "plus one" arrangement and see who he brings. If it's a man or his mum then he might be gay. Might. Obviously if he's singing soprano then you have your answer already.

I think you're being a bit silly. Just get to know him as a friend. Ask him out for a friendly drink and jump on him to see what happens

CuteAsaF0x · 28/10/2015 09:13

I assumed you were trying to figure out if he might be straight before you allowed yourself to start thinking about him like that!

So many snipers on mn at the moment! you can say nothing without being sneered at.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 28/10/2015 09:23

CuteAs, people were responding to the antiquated generalisations in the op. They cast a poor light on gay men, straight men, the op and the people in her community. It's not sneering at all to point out these stereotypes, particularly when the op hasn't remotely mentioned at that point that there's a reason why his sexuality matters to her.

I'd quite like to be a MN Sniper though. I'm a pacifist I'm afraid so it'll have to be a laser quest type set up and even that I'm not quite comfortable with. Can I tickle people to death? Actually, I'm not keen on physical contact. Perhaps I'll carry on with the evisceration through words which you imagine us capable of.

OP...

If you want to get to know this new member of your community who is trying hard to fit in and make friends, why not just do it without agenda? Don't ask other people about him, don't stalk him on social media, don't weigh his love of sequins against his mechanical skills as any kind of arbiter. Just talk to him.

purpleponcho · 28/10/2015 09:24

Wear some designer heels to choir practice.

If he screams, "I'm having a Prada moment!" and swoons, he isn't for you.

If he doesn't react, then feel free to flash him your boobs.

CuteAsaF0x · 28/10/2015 09:29

I know the vast majority of posters are married, but I've been in the situation where I'm trying to figure it out. I like men who are quite androgynous in their personalities, which does sometimes come across in their physicality. Not always. It can do.

OP look in to his eyes when you're talking to him. Really look in to them. If he mentions his xbf 'in passing' then there's your answer. This is pretty much what happened to me. We are great friends now though!

BertrandRussell · 28/10/2015 09:35

Suggest the choir sings a medley from musical theatre, including numbers from Cabaret.

You will be able to tell instantly from his response.

dangerrabbit · 28/10/2015 09:46

Perhaps he's bi.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/10/2015 09:55

Am I the only nosey bugger who wants to know what happened to priest man?

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