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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Labour & Birth Support Person

41 replies

Marcher · 27/10/2015 03:46

I'm about 16 weeks pregnant, separating from husband (he had emotional affair, he wants to try to fix marriage, I said no it's over now).
I'll be giving birth next year. My parents are interstate (and not my ideal birthing support). I don't have any sisters. All my friends have babies or young children so I'm not sure if I should ask them...
What to do? What have other people done?
Catch a taxi and birth alone?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 27/10/2015 03:53

Doula?

And why not ask your friends? The fact that they know what giving birth is like would be really helpful.

Sorry you have to make this choice. X

PitilessYank · 27/10/2015 04:18

Ask a friend!! I would be thrilled if a friend asked me to be her birthing support person, and no matter how busy I was, I would make time for it.

Marilynsbigsister · 27/10/2015 05:15

Even if you are separate, it's still his baby too. Is he also banned from the birth ?

TaliZorah · 27/10/2015 05:40

Marilyn I hardly think OP is going to want him there? Just because it's his baby doesn't mean he should be at the birth. Men's feelings don't matter when it comes to giving birth as they're not the one giving birth

PitilessYank · 27/10/2015 06:00

Oh, also, don't discount brothers. My brother was present at the birth of my youngest child and he was marvelous.

Original poster
Marcher · 27/10/2015 06:10

PitilessYank, I was actually thinking about asking my brother. I just didn't know whether that was a good idea. The biggest issue is that he lives interstate so he can't really be on call. But I will definitely think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcher · 27/10/2015 06:14

Marilyn, my husband is welcome at the hospital. I do not want him in the delivery room the whole time. And he will not be acting as my support person.

OP posts:
PitilessYank · 27/10/2015 07:37

Maybe choose someone who might like to join you for some prenatal appointments? It is always nice to have a second set of ears at those appointments.

I think it would be an honor to do that for a friend.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 27/10/2015 07:41

Ask a friend for sure. Their partners would be able to take care of their dc while she was with you.

A single friend has just asked me and I can't wait. We're not even that close but she thinks Id be very calming! Grin

Joysmum · 27/10/2015 08:24

Ask someone. I was asked for my friend who's married but was aware her husband wouldn't be on the same page in the birthing process, would need to be there for the other kids and didn't want to be there.

I had a young daughter but DH was more than capable of keeping things ticking over at home.

It was fabulous for my friend and I and I'm honoured she thought I was what she needed.

Ethylred · 27/10/2015 08:35

Whoa! You broke up with a baby on the way? And did not want to fix it? Is it impossible to re-think it? That is not to say that you should condemn yourself and child to a bad marriage (I did that for far too long), merely that you might re-consider the situation.

Original poster
Marcher · 27/10/2015 09:17

Ethylred, he ended the marriage when he had an emotional affair.

OP posts:
Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 09:22

Men's feelings don't matter when it comes to giving birth as they're not the one giving birth
Hmm

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2015 09:33

It's early days to be worried about this but agree that a friend is the best option here. A good friend will put themselves out for you. Someone who has given birth is even better.

Ex's are very definitely best kept out of the delivery room until after the event when you are ready which can be as long as you like. Sorry but that's the reality of being an ex.

I speak as a midwife of very long experience. Good luck, OP Flowers.

Joysmum · 27/10/2015 09:38

Ethylred do the OP the courtesy of assuming the last thing she'd have chosen to do was split up in such circumstances unless it wasn't fixable Hmm

Offred · 27/10/2015 09:56

A doula is a very good idea, followed second by asking a friend.

TheyCallMeBell · 27/10/2015 10:15

What's with all the questioning of the OP's decision to not make a go of a marriage with a man who hasn't behaved properly and implying he should be allowed at the birth? Have I walked in to an alternate universe?

Ask a friend, OP. If someone asked me, I'd be delighted.

TaliZorah · 27/10/2015 11:26

Supermanspants the only feelings that matter when it comes to giving birth are the ones of the person giving birth. That's it. No parents, in laws, partners, exes. It's entirely down to the woman.

I wouldn't have wanted DSs dad there!

Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 12:08

Tali Lumping the father of a child in with extended family as those whose 'feelings don't matter' seems a bit harsh IMO.

CMOTDibbler · 27/10/2015 12:11

I had a doula. It was fab having someone who was totally focussed on me, and she had time to get to know me and my needs/wants beforehand so was able to advocate for me without her own agenda.
Well worth the money imo

TaliZorah · 27/10/2015 12:13

Supermanspants but he's not the one giving birth, he's not the one who's got hoards of people looking at their fanny while in agony, he's not the one undergoing a c section, he's not having to put up with a cannula and all other sorts. If the woman who is already going through that decides she doesn't want him there that's up to her. The birth partner is there to support the woman not to see the baby.

I had ex in laws demand they had a right to be at the birth Hmm

TheyCallMeBell · 27/10/2015 12:29

Supermanspants The father's feeling DON'T matter during the actual birth. It might seem harsh, but it's true. The only person who has any say on who is in the delivery room to support her is the woman giving birth. How can you not understand that? It's not like it's a spectator sport Confused

Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 12:36

If you were talking about an ex partner Tali then you should have made it clear. Your post indicated an overall view that the feelings of a father do not matter.
Not sure what point you are trying to make. Are you talking about an ex partner? Or are you stating that a current partner is unable to offer support to a woman in labour? You seem to have shifted towards a view that it is up to a woman in labour who is or isn't there which is fair enough. Rather different from sweeping statements that the feelings of a father 'do not matter'. The end.
It is still possible to recognise and consider the feelings of a father and discuss that when deciding whether they are not present? Yes?

Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 12:38

They
You seem to have spectacularly missed my point.

Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 12:41

And liking the presence of a father at the birth of his child to a spectator sport . . . Really? Hmm