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Original poster

OLD analyse this..

55 replies

tillytolly3 · 26/10/2015 20:41

We've met 5 times (all pub dates) & never even made it to first base! He's attractive & I told him so. He said I'm attractive too. He certainly looked at me with affection in his eyes. He was a little touchy feely - would occasionally rub my thigh affectionately, ditto my back. Previously, we've only had a very chaste peck on the lips goodbye. Tonight I thought it's up-the-ante time or bust. So I leant in & gave him a soft but meaningful kiss on his cheek, I didn't pull away but did it a couple of times more, then I pulled back. And what d'you think? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not a heartbeat. He just looked at me & said 'I'm not ready' and 'I'm not sure when I will be ready'. 'I do genuinely like you...really like you, but I'm not ready yet.' If you add up our 5 dates, plus all the phone calls, txts & emails over the last couple of months, we've got to know each other reasonably well, but we can't even make it to first base? I can't carry on like this, he either wants me or he doesn't. So before I tell him I'm done, what d'you reckon?

OP posts:
Nevergoingtolearn · 26/10/2015 21:38

Walk away, you are probably waiting your time ( he said he doesn't know when he will be ready, he may never be ready ). Date someone else.

Trills · 26/10/2015 21:39

What do you mean by ED?

Eating disorder?

What's that got to do with kissing?

Lweji · 26/10/2015 21:40

erectile disfunction.

That's the problem with using initials. :)

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 21:41

Trills ED = Erectile Dysfunction

Trills · 26/10/2015 21:41

Does he also have mouth dysfunction?

You don't need an erection to kiss.

Lweji · 26/10/2015 21:42

Maybe he does.

Trills · 26/10/2015 21:43

Eating disorder almost might make sense, if he had some kind of phobia about things in his mouth...

PitilessYank · 26/10/2015 21:46

Can't a man feel "turned on" even if he has ED? Why wouldn't he be interested in making out, kissing, feeling you up, getting felt up, etc. if he felt a spark?

The ED excuse sounds disingenuous to me. Does he say he is entirely unable to get an erection, or that it is insufficiently firm and/or long-lasting? Those are really two totally different levels of ED.

Most of my patients with ED still enjoy kissing, etc., especially with new partners. (I have a number of men in my practice with this concern. Most of them get an excellent result with the current ED meds.)

Seeyounearertime · 26/10/2015 21:50

I'd imagine having ED and feeling turned on would be horrific, like having a gag in and some waving chocolate cake in your face.

ShowOfHands · 26/10/2015 21:53

It doesn't sound as though you're physically right for each other.

He's not intrinsically wrong with his way of doing things, just not right for you.

Move on, kindly, and wish him all the best with his beetroot. Poor dude. Sounds rather like he's frightened of getting proper treatment for this. He needs to accept that for himself. You're looking for a relationship, not an unpaid support role. I genuinely don't mean to sound cruel, but he's not ready for a relationship if he is putting such unrealistic barriers to intimacy in place.

PitilessYank · 26/10/2015 21:53

I think a man can have an orgasm with a non-fully-erect penis, but it is more difficult to achieve, and not as satisfying.

This is what I hear from some of my patients, at any rate.

AnyFucker · 26/10/2015 21:55

Showy said it nicer than me Halloween Smile

Original poster
tillytolly3 · 26/10/2015 21:58

Well, before I sign off for the night, I've dropped the bomb & emailed him. In the nicest possible way, I don't want to hurt him any more than necessary. We're done.

NEXT....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/10/2015 22:03

Bring it on

I hope beetroot guy sorts himself out soon

himself being the operative word...

ShowOfHands · 26/10/2015 22:11

Poor bugger needs to get himself some proper help. He clearly wants to date, is willing to put in the time and effort on that front and sounds like he's a perfectly good egg. Just needs to accept that a foul drink and wishes are not the route to a mutually satisfactory sex life. Well, unless you're into that. Nowt so queer as folk.

Who's next in the queue then tilly?

Paddletonio · 26/10/2015 22:35

You've known him for a few months and only been on 5 dates - that's not encouraging in and of itself let alone the fact he doesn't want to do anything physical.

Good call in ending and moving on.

HelenaDove · 27/10/2015 02:18

Sorry but i think hes looking for a sexless relationship.

AF i had to think a minute to remember what i was going to post cos you made me laugh.

Rockluvvindad · 27/10/2015 07:02

OP, don't blame you for what you have done in the slightest. Going into something where you already know there is a problem is asking for trouble and you need to be super sure that everything else is good enough to make it worth your effort.

That said mumsnetters, don't underestimate the effect that ED can have on a guy's confidence, and confidence can affect the state of mind immensely. Pretty much all of us go through it at some time. Luckily for most of us it is temporary, but even then it can make you very reluctant to tempt fate so to speak. No matter what we try to think rationally, pretty much our entire self image sexually is based around that part of our body and it's effective function. Repeated failures will erode self belief to the point where you might see the attitude displayed by your date, i.e. trying will lead to failure so I must not even try.

That said, beetroot ??? There's lots of reasons for it, and I'm not sure which one beetroot is supposed to sort. Far better to see the GP I think !

Sorry for jumping in after the situation was over. Some of the comments made me wince ;-).

RLD

F0xglove · 27/10/2015 09:13

ED or in the closet or just fear of getting a beetroot stain on my jeans, I'd move on.

move on OP

F0xglove · 27/10/2015 09:14

Tilly, I missed your update

good call Wine

Original poster
tillytolly3 · 27/10/2015 16:30

Well, well, well. He's been in touch......... Wants to talk about it is there any point? Says he does like me yadda yadda yadda.... Isn't seeing anyone else etc.

Previously, he told me it took him 4 years to commit to his ex (bec she already had kids by another man) At the point of being ready to commit, his ex left him because she got bored waiting. I am not about to wait 4 years for sex. Definately not 4 months & probably not even 4 weeks, 4 days? Hmm I want a man to be excited sitting next to me. I want him to want me to lean in & kiss him, not just sit there & look at me blank. I've been chewing over the closet-gay thing. & also his side of it, is it really possible having ED would make you not even want to kiss a woman? & yes there are varying degrees of ED. I should imagine the vast majority are 'half-mast' problems not 'total deadness'. If I was a guy & my dick was dead to the world I'd be shitting bricks & down the docs asap demanding every test there was.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/10/2015 16:38

Sorry you've had a merry dance with this one, but yes NEXT is the only answer particularly in view of your update.

Nevergoingtolearn · 27/10/2015 16:43

I would ignore his messages and move on. Why is he dating if he's not ready to be with anyone? I have been with someone who flew at half mast, he still had his hands all over me and obviously found me atractive Wink. Can you imagine having to wait years for him to even attempt to sleep with you? I think he needs to get help.

AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 17:12

Reply : "I have no interest in talking about your non functioning willy. It may be the centre of your universe but I would rather watch paint dry. Have a nice life, bye"

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/10/2015 17:23

Don't even bother. He's clearly not a sexual person and nobody needs that (unless they are asexual too)

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