My Mum drove my children whilst drunk

[Mull]

Very infrequent poster here as, usually, nothing dramatic happens in my life. The last week has been horrendous.

HUGE back story to my mum, her history and our relationship. She has depression issues and I don't believe she has ever been happy. Two failed marriages (first where she left husband and her 18mo DD for my Dad after they had affair then my Dad had affair and left after 20yrs). She has been by herself for last 18 years. Drink was a problem 10-20 years ago as a coping mechanism for depression. There were a couple of suicide attempts and I went NC for a while as being around wasn't 'saving' her and just hurting me more.

She got sober just over 10 years ago and, whilst still a very tricky personality with a lot of issues, I thought she was doing really well. I respect her for turning her life around. DH and I have DS (5) and DD (3) and she has been a big help with childcare. I never had any concerns leaving them with her as she was 6yrs sober by then and I genuinely didn't think it would cross her mind.

She has recently moved home to the same town as us and had plans to volunteer at the school, reading etc. Last Thurs I got home from work (she looked after DD on a Thurs when DS at school. I pick him up and then come home) and knew straight away she wasn't right. She said she wasnt well and had to go home. Then I twigged she was drunk. Shock doesn't cover it. I asked if she had driven like 'this', she said "Yes". I said have you driven DD like this she said "Yes". Both DC's around so I had to think fast and not go loopy. I said I would drive her home but she left before I had DC shoes etc on.

When they were in bed I went to have it out with her which probably wasn't a good idea as she was talking shit most of the time. I now believe she started drinking last Tues and would have been drunk when she picked up DS from school and drove him last Weds. I have tried to understand why this has happened and, apparently, it's my fault and DD's fault. She doesn't like how much I shout at the children and she is embarrassed of DD's behaviour (very wilful 3yr old who I struggle to cope with but nothing out of the ordinary). She is fed up of being 'brave' by herself all the time. She refused to say sorry for driving them. Just said she felt 'sad' about it. She doesn't believe she has done anything wrong to them as they are too little to understand.

Anyway, I'm so angry right now that I don't give a shit the why's and where for's SHE DROVE MY CHILDREN WHEN DRUNK. I will never forgive her and she will never be left alone with them again. She will not be getting near them for a long time and certainly not if she continues to be drunk. This has brought back huge issues for me as she drove me drunk on a few occasions (school pickup) and I can still remember heading straight for a wall, don't know how we missed it. She will NEVER put my children through similar.

She also tried to give me parenting advice for DD and now I think FUCK YOU at least I keep my children safe and, oh, I didn't walk out on an 18month old and never see them again. I have never said that to her but REALLY want to at the moment. I know that won't help but a large part of me wants to hurt her for what she has done.

Haven't seen / spoken to her since Thurs night and don't really know where to go from here (if anywhere). Obviously I am safe guarding my children and have sorted nursery etc so I can do all drop offs / pick ups but what else can / should I do? There's still a part of me that wants to help her (not that I can stop her drinking. I know that and have spoken to Al-Anon in the past). The other, angrier part of me just wants to say FUCK OFF.

Any words of wisdom as I'm really struggling to process all of this.

I think it would help, it sounds like you have had a lot to deal with over the years and it might help to be able to process those feelings.

Mull, counselling will hopefully give you the skills needed to navigate this mess and I think it would be worth a serious think.

Goodness me, what a tricky situation. My opinion is that you should protect your dc at all costs which it sounds like you have done so far and will of course continue to do. But then there is the question of your relationship with your Mum and I think that is something more difficult to consider. Do you want to help your Mum or have you just had enough? Any decision you make concerning your mum is something you will have to live with so make sure you won't look back with regrets. Eg if you wash your hands of her, would you feel guilty that you didn't help her?

It sounds like your mum is a very troubled lady, has she asked for professional help and support? Or has it gone beyond that stage? But of course there is no excuse for risking the lives of others. The most important thing, like you say is to keep your children safe. At least now you know you can't trust her anymor around your kids.

You have my sympathies Op. Both my parents were alcoholics and my DC's grew up with that. They are both dead now, and I'll probably get flamed for saying this but there is an element of relief in with the grief. You've had some good advice here. There's a closed page on Facebook ACOC- adult children of alcoholic. Quite American based but with some good guidance. Not sure how old your DC's are but mine knew more than I realised and though as a mum your instinct is to protect them sometimes being honest is the best policy but only you know your own children.
However this isn't your fault please know that. She will say the worst most horrific things to you. You can choose whether to listen or not. But you aren't alone. I promise.

You can't keep thinking what if - thank your lucky stars something didn't happen and your children are safe - move on.

Your mum sounds ill and needs help - I can understand your anger at her drink driving though.

Sounds like you have anger about your past too and are punishing her for that as well.

Not sure if the police can do anything about the drink driving now it has passed. Even if she admits it I don't know if they would do anything.

Do try contacting alanon - its the best place to meet others who really know what you are going through - and can help you get through it.

I agree with an earlier pp in that your DM sounds very ill. This is not to excuse her latest behaviour which was totally irresponsible and dangerous; not only to your dcs but other road users. I would be angry at her belittlement of her actions and their possible implications and consequences. I would be angry at her for breaking out trust ... But then I understand that alcoholism is an addiction, and that an addict's mind prioritises all the wrong things.

I just think it's all very final to go NC again. I am NC with my extended family (have been for almost 2y) and it has not been easy - it's been like a bereavement. It has flung up all sorts of self-doubts, anger and fucked-up feelings and I can only imagine it to be more strenuous with someone like your DM. I do not regret my decision, but it has been difficult and not something I would advocate unless there was any other way. It has changed me.

Your DM needs help and she also needs to take responsibility for her irresponsible actions, past and present. I think that she should understand the gravity of how she has broken your trust: personally, I wouldn't go NC just yet, but I would limit contact for a while. She would not be allowed to be alone with my children; visits would always be when I was present. She would no longer be allowed to collect my dcs from school unsupervised and she would not be allowed to drive them until I was confident that she was committed to recovery and had changed.

I also think that some family therapy would be beneficial due to her leaving your 18mo brother or sister. I think this is weighing on your mind because if she can do that, what else is she capable of? She is on thin ice, she needs to prove herself worthy of your trust again.

And I hope my pondering regarding your sibling wasn't offensive or unnecessary, Mull. It just struck me that now, as a parent, you can visualise your DM afresh, but her abandonment of her baby severely jarrs with your own conceptions and experiences of motherhood? Perhaps her latest actions have stirred such feelings in you because she's demonstrating negative (grand)parenting yet again?

She did use AA for a while but didn't really like it. She's not a people person. But she stayed sober when she stopped going to AA so I really thought she'd 'cracked it'. So she knows help is there if she wants to accept it but I have no idea how long it will take her (if ever) to want to stop again. I would like to think no / very limited contact with DGC would help her in the right direction but that's down to her isn't it?

QueenMolotov no offence at all. All opinions gratefully received I can assure you!

My thoughts on my older 'sister' (see, can't even say it properly as it sounds too odd) have changed since I had children, you're spot on. Before that I didn't really think about her much . But who leaves a child? It is not something we have ever talked about (more minimising) so it has really hit a nerve that she thinks I'm making mistakes with DD when she did the unthinkable? It's the double standard which is just breath taking if I'm honest.

We'll then, as difficult as this will be for both of you, the subject of your sister should be talked about in order for your relationship to heal. Perhaps under the guidance of a counsellor - it depends on your relationship and how productive or not you think it would be to just plain ask her. Your older sister is the proverbial white elephant ATM (amongst other glaring issues).

Your DM needs to stop defending her bad choices (I label them as bad choices because they're bad choices without knowing the context or reasons why she left her) by criticising your parenting. Belittling you does not erase the past. It's actually doing more damage and she needs to know this.

Does your DM have any contact with your older sister, or has she subsequently tried to have/has had contact? Or did she leave and that was it?

She's alcoholic. She's not sane. Don't expect anything she does or says to make any sense. You are allowed to protect you & yours as top priority.

No contact since she left I believe.

See I'm not at all sure if I want the relationship to heal. That may well just be anger at the moment but I'm not sure I can be bothered . My angst this time around (compared to, say, 15yrs ago) is really just for my DC. How to go about this in the right way for them, how to protect them and how to stop history repeating itself. If I didn't have them I'd 'just' go NC and not look back. I'm done with her for my own sake.

You can tell your DC she's not very well (which is reasonably accurate). But the nature of her illness is that she herself can't see that she's ill, and she will get upset if they talk about it.

They could still have a relationship with her, but it mustn't be at the expense of your sanity.

Al Anon would be a big support to you, methinks.

I think, then, that you should take the time that you need to come to terms with what has happened to figure out what you think really is right for your family. Your DM will have to wait for you to be ready - that is, if you want to be. If you feel that there is no other way, then that's The End.

I wish you all the best, Mull. It's a very difficult situation that you're in and I really do sympathise

I can't let them be in the same room as her if she has been drinking. I can't. That would feel like I had failed them. I spent far too many days with her, always asking if she was ok, always checking her mood. Not a chance of them having to do that.

I will continue to say she is ill (feels like the best 'lie') but will have to keep a good eye on DS. He is v sensitive and will not like it one bit. He's only 5 so I really can't explain it properly to him. I may speak to school after half term.

If you can't go NC with a parent when they have driven their grandchildren whilst drunk, then when can you? What behaviour is bad enough?!

Feel heartbroken for you, op, reading that post. Your mother has been a total let-down.

You will have to find a way of explaining to your ds that he can't see grandma any more - just that she is very poorly and can't look after him and keep him safe - that will have to do.

Mintyy I agree, I really do. When I think about what she did to them, I weep. I like your wording of 'can't keep you safe' I will use that when needed.

Can't keep you safe is a good explanation, it's the one I used with my dc to ensure they never accepted being with my mother and brothers. Now that they are older they know the truth, which is that I don't them not to harm my children to hurt me.

(I am vvvvv low contact with my mother and brothers, the only reason I'm not NC is that the rest of my family are brilliant)

My father is an alcoholic and I was fairly tolerant of it, though I only saw him a couple of times a year because I was so disenchanted with him, tried to help him many times but he obviously wants to be an alcoholic more than he wants to be a Dad, but when I had my now 3 year old everything changed - he really has dropped off my radar almost completely and have hardly seen him, I don't want my son to grow up around an alcoholic. So I totally understand your feelings after what she has done to your children, even though she us trying to minimise it, it is truly awful - she could have injured or killed them or some other children on the school run, anyone. I think sometimes you have to get police involved to force someone to see that what they are doing is wrong, but also, to protect other drivers and pedestrians you must try and get her off the road. My dad at least gave up driving a long time ago, though not before he nearly killed himself by drink driving, thankfully no one was hurt but especially at this time of year, many people lose their lives to drunk drivers. Don't stop until she doesn't have access to a car and I hope that perhaps with police involvement she will realise she needs to apologise, get help and change. Alcoholism is a terrible thing :(

Thanks April . Good (but awful) to know others have experienced similar. Who knows where we go from here? I'll just take it one day at a time (ha, sounds familiar ) and know that my children are safe. Back to work today (DH off til Fri for half term) and really don't want to leave them

Mull, I think you could benefit from some counselling, there are a few unresolved childhood issues concerning your mum which cause your anger.

I would also call the police. Next time, she may go off the road and kill someone's child. As she has shown absolutely no guilt about what she has done, someone has to take the option of driving drunk again off her.

If you go NC or not I cannot advise on, but I'd step back, don't let her look after the dc again and wouldn't let her alone with them at all.

It's shit, but it's her shit. Nothing you did caused it. She has already found someone else to blame, you. Unless she takes responsibility I wouldn't be able to see her.

I don't think that an addict can truly "Crack it" as you put it. She has relapsed, now you know that she has you need to safe guard your family.

I wouldn't be making contact for now but I would letting the wider circle know that she has relapsed and if anyone suspect drink driving to report it straightaway.

You can report her on 101 for the offenses that you know about, it will build up a profile and may get an officer to visit.

I really think you could do with looking for your local Al-Anon branch, they can be really good.

From what I understand alcoholics have more than just the drink problem as they refuse to accept responsability for their actions. Al Anon is the first in suggesting tough love. So it is all very well for people to say that she is sick, which she is, but making allowances for her is usually just enabling and totally counterproductive.