Dh depression help me please

[nocabbageinmyeye]

I'm not sure where I should be posting, it could belong anywhere really, chat, relationships, aibu, my head is melted though so I'm going here in hope you lovely ladies can help me.

I don't have depression and have no experience of it so please excuse my ignorance. My dh believes he has it, I believe he does too, he is going to the gp this week. Our marriage is in trouble to the point of separation and he doesn't seem to care but what he doesn't/I don't know is does he not care or is the depression making him not care, does that make sense? If you have depression how do you know what are genuine feelings or what you are feeling because of the depression? I'm not even sure if I am explaining that correctly.

Have any of you had partners with depression that once they had been to the gp and got help things improved? How long did they take to improve?

Do you stay because of the depression? How much can you excuse because of it?

I'm sorry for all the questions, I just can't get my head straight. Our relationship is not good, he knows for ages he should have been seeking help but didn't, he treated me awfully at the weekend, so awfully that I should leave, but I don't know what to do, part of me thinks he is ill, but I don't understand depression at all, does that excuse how he is, do I stay and help or leave, which is what I would do if depression weren't a factor.

Do you know the difference in feelings? Between your feelings and your feelings because you have depression?

Any insight would help me, I am clueless and at a loss as to what to do

Hi OP. My ex had depression and changed into a different person. No, he could not distinguish between real feelings and the depressed view of life because it became his reality.

Not sure if this helps but after he got depressed he became agitated, irrational, hopeless, mean and he pretty much stopped loving me and yes I believe it was his illness.

Recovert varies. There is too much to type here. If you would like support please pm me. It's a horrible thing to go through.

I can only tell you from my own experiences, but I felt that I was stuck in my head, and looking at my own life through a mirror. I could not communicate with anyone (family, colleagues) and became withdrawn. To most people I must have seemed rude, grumpy, disinterested or irritable. I felt I had nothing to look forward to, and had made a mess of everything.

I took some steps when things got really bad:

• spoke to the doctor
• started a course of ADs
• saw a counsellor through work
• stopped a silly 'compressed hours' working pattern which was making me work 12 hr shifts

Things are up and down, but have got a bit better.

Thank you both for the replies, I did read them earlier but decided it was best until dd2 was in bed and I was on the laptop instead of the phone.

I really appreciate such honest replies. Jacquie that's exactly how it seems to be effecting dh, like he doesn't care, he has no interest, snappy, moody, he was awful to me at the weekend. Did you ex get help? If so did you notice a change? I so appreciate your offer of a pm, if you would rather that, any insight would help me, I feel lost and totally ignorant to it at the moment

Murdock thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so glad things are on the up for you now. Dh wouldn't have support at work but the gp may recommend counselling, I hope so. May I ask, after you started the ad's, how long did it take before you started to feel they were making a difference?

hi op .i can tell you my experience .my hubby currently in the mental health wing of our local hospital .he has had depression on/off for 16 years .its has been severe the last two years in hospital 8 times .
depression is a very selfish illness the sufferer only thinks of themselves i was told this at the start by the mental health team .
I cannot say there will be a recovery my hubby has got slowly worse over the years to the point that we have no married life .no sex for 3 years no affection .we are patient and carer and we are only mid/late 40,s .but he has never been nasty i would say if your hubby threatning towards you or your children i would just leave because depressed people can be unpredictable .

He got help yes. But only once he'd had a complete breakdown. He's still in a major depression three years on but to be fair he was self destructive. He decided he didn't loce me and left...he decided it was his job and left that too...he went to counselling about 5 times and decided he was fine. He's just crap at helping himself so his life imploded. I'd stress that his depression was so very severe.

He just wanted to be alone to deal with it

He wasn't just acting depressed. He was so angry, so col so selfish so blinkered. It was like all affection just evaporated.

I'm a member of a support group for women and men who lost partners to this illness. If you drop me your email address I will contact you and we would be happy to offer real life support

Get a proper diagnosis first. You cantt self diagnose.
He has to go yo gp yes get help.
But whatever he has get some individual counselling for you.
Whether he has depression or other issues counselling for you will help you to process and decide next steps.
Read depression fallout. How to survive when they are depressed. Anne Sheffield.
My exp imploded as well and it got v messy... his issues go beyond depression tho...

Other couples I know had specific trauma based depression they got helpand got back on track.

While you working out which way it's going to go you can seek space apart.

Whether someone is treating you awfully because of depression or something else you should leave...it might be the impetus they need to get well. (If they indeed ill). Decide your boundaries.

I really feel your pain, I am convinced my lovely DH of 14 years, together 21 is depressed. He feels dead and 'empty inside' regarding his feelings for me. It tortures him. I have been depressed and have a good awareness of it. Trying to convince him on the other hand is another matter. I fear it will be the end of us. I can support and love and give as much as I can but he has to help himself. I feel I don't know the man lying next to me anymore. I think it is a brilliant start that he recognises something is wrong and is prepared to get help.

Even if it's depression making him abusive to you that doesn't mean you are obliged to accept it. You can ask him to leave while he gets treatment.

Thank you everyone for your replies. To get some insight is so helpful.

aprilanne thank you for being so honest. It really is a selfish illness isn't it. How do you cope? Our relationship is going downhill anyway sex/intimacy wise, the thought of it getting worse terrifies me (the depression not the sex)

I'm so torn. Things haven't been great for ages, last year we spoke about separation (depression wasn't an issue at this stage, in the sense it may have been there but neither of us recognised it), we said we would give it 6 months, nothing changed, we spoke of separation, gave it another 6 months and nothing changed, I had sort of said I would leave after Christmas (in my head) and then he opened up and said he feels it is depression. That's the confusing part, if I had known that before I feel I would have been more sure about staying and helping but in my head a switch had already been flicked and I had given up, so now I don't know if I go because that's what feels right for me or I stay and help which is what I should do, I wouldn't leave if he had cancer.

At the weekend after he had been drinking he flipped, out of nowhere, we were watching tv, he was eating and asked me for a glass of water while I was passing the kitchen, I brought it and asked was he ok and he literally flipped, jumped up, threw the water over my head, called me all sorts of horrible names (cunt, bitch), he was seething with rage and right in my face, he smashed glasses, and walked out, leaving me to calm dd2 who had woken up with the commotion, she is 2. Is that abuse? Is it abuse if it happens once? Well he has done similar but about 4.5 years ago - which in itself is confusing because if it happened once that long does that mean he was depressed then or does it mean it's not the depression at all?

So he yesterday he agreed to stop drinking at home, that was also becoming an issue, he has said this before and it hasn't happened so we will see. He has made an appointment for the gp today which is positive I suppose.

He agreed to marriage counselling too but maybe he needs it himself first. Cestlavielife I hadn't thought of it for myself but I will now, to actually completely open up in real life would be good, I have confided in a friend and my parents but not about the other night, it would break my parents heart.

Jacquie I will pm you once he has got back from the gp and I have some more informtation (hopefully) thank you for your lovely offer.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight thank you, I needed to hear it was ok to leave too, I feel like because it is an illness people will think I am awful is I did leave.

sparklingsea dead and empty is exactly how my dh would describe how he feels, he said he feels he just doesn't care about anything. You are so good to support him. I don't know what to say to you, it is so hard seeing a person different to the one you married.

I hope the gp today helps. I am really struggling to understand what is the depression and what is him. A lot of our problems are going on a long time, could he have been depressed all that time and neither of us knew, of I certainly didn't.

threw the water over my head, called me all sorts of horrible names (cunt, bitch), he was seething with rage and right in my face, he smashed glasses, and walked out, leaving me to calm dd2 who had woken up with the commotion, she is 2. Is that abuse?

Yes, it is, OP. And depression does not excuse it.

He drinks too much and is abusive to you. Your small child overheard it. His visit to the gp is irrelevant - you need to protect yourself and your dc and if that means leaving, do it (I think he should leave but I can see how difficult it might be to get him out). As for your parents, I suspect they'd be more heartbroken to think you couldn't tell them. Do let them support you, please.

Regardless of whether he is ill or not he is abusive towards you. You absolutely must separate while he takes/doesn't take steps to address his drinking and his mental health. You don't deserve to be abused and your child needs to be protected.
You aren't doing a bad thing by protecting yourselves.

Oh God it is abuse isn't it, I knew it, I did, but to hear it isn't easy either. Christ I am racked with guilt, he would leave, but he has nowhere to go, he looked so low the other morning after is happened, lower than I have ever seen him and nowhere to go and I just didn't know what to do. But I have a responsibility to myself and the kids (dd1 was at a sleepover at a friends thankfully as she is older so would be aware).

He said he will stop the drinking and he is going to the gp. He is slept on the couch last night (in truth he has been doing that for a long time now), he is back here because he is ill and has nowhere to go but we have made no decision, I told him yesterday that I wanted to separate.

I think I need to focus/remember the negative, that will keep me focused on what I need to do, which is get to to leave, doing it now just feels like kicking him while he is down though

nocabbage

Sorry for not replying before now. I took a fairly low dosage (20mg) so side effects weren't too bad (upset stomach) but I felt after two or three weeks that they were having an effect, and putting a bit of a floor under me. My DP was not very supportive, though, and accused me of using them as a crutch (true, I guess) so I came off of them.

As other posters have said, his behaviour is abusive. Although I have experienced depression myself, I'm afraid I can't in all conscience excuse abusive behaviour as a direct result of it. You have to consider your own well-being and your children. Sorry I can't offer a better answer.

Anti-depressants take two or three weeks to begin taking effect, with the full effect (assuming dosage is correct) reached after around 3 months. Assuming he is willing to take them, (and to give up drinking at home), I would want to see what happens before taking any drastic action; assuming, that is, that he is in fact "a different person" now to what he was before.

People who have never experienced it often have trouble grasping that depression is more than just low mood; it often involves actual mental suffering and pain, similar to acute grief. It also skews your whole outlook on life, and as one poster above describes it, makes you feel locked away behind a layer of glass separating you from the people you love. Calling it a "selfish illness" is a bit misleading, in my opinion. No one would choose to go through such pain and suffering. It also seriously negatively affects your ability to judge reality; one of the earliest signs of growing depression is the negativity that rejects all suggestions for things that might help improve your situation because you genuinely (and distortedly) believe they won't help. That's why people are often so resistant to getting help.

Get practical. Does he have family or friends or can you afford for him to ship out to a b and b for few weeks ?
Until he has been properly diagnosed it could be anger or drinking or being abusive. Fact is he got to call you names and throw water at you and nothing happened...he gets to stay in your home next to you and the dc. What is your boundary? Decide that any behaviour like this and he goes. ..where he goes is his problem.

You have no idea if it's depression because he hasn't been to gp. He has to be the one to seek help for his mental health or anger issues or whatever it is...you do not have to put up with this behaviour at all whatever the reason for it.

Been thinking of you no cabbage, Has he been to the go yet?

Gp that should be.

Thank you sparklingsea and everyone else, I do appreciate all the advice. Sorry I haven't been back.

So the update is that he went to the gp, gp has agreed that he thinks it is depression too. He has prescribed anti-depressants and dh has to go back in three weeks. He has also joined the gym as gp said exercise would help too, so two positives there. He said it felt like a weight being lifted to even go and talk to him.

So when he came back he asked me what I thought, I said that I was glad he went, that irrespective of what happened with us as a couple that he needed to get this sorted. I said really there was no point in talking about us (to be honest my head is wrecked from talking/thinking about it, I needed a few days to just mull everything over), so I said there was no point in talking about us until we gave things a few weeks, I said basically no change = no marriage, but even at that I wasn't sure if it was too late, maybe any change would be too late.

He is sleeping on the couch, we are talking so there is normality for the kids and I want to support him in getting better, even if it is just for the first few weeks, will our marriage last? Honestly I don't think so, but I am going to give it the first three weeks anyway and that is mainly so that I have no regrets down the line. I like to think that that if depression wasn't a factor I would have made him leave after how he treated me, but it is a factor and I don't understand it at all, so I need to do that, I need to try and understand it before I take such a huge step for me and the kids.

I am not being naive though, I realise it is very touch and go, I have been to citizens advice and gotten details on what to do next if we do decide to separate, what I would be entitled to, and I have forms that I have started to complete and have ready to send off should I need to, so I actually feel more positive about how I will cope if we do split up too. I was glad I did that, I was panicking about how we would manage financially but I have worked it out and while it would be tight we would be ok, which is a weight lifted too.

Did he tell the GP he had been violent?

"At the weekend after he had been drinking he flipped, out of nowhere, we were watching tv, he was eating and asked me for a glass of water while I was passing the kitchen, I brought it and asked was he ok and he literally flipped, jumped up, threw the water over my head, called me all sorts of horrible names (cunt, bitch), he was seething with rage and right in my face, he smashed glasses, and walked out, leaving me to calm dd2 who had woken up with the commotion, she is 2. Is that abuse? Is it abuse if it happens once? Well he has done similar but about 4.5 years ago - which in itself is confusing because if it happened once that long does that mean he was depressed then or does it mean it's not the depression at all?"

This is not depression, this is abuse. The fact that he has depression now is clouding the issue. It happened more than 4 years ago (when he didn't have a diagnosis of depression) so it's not a cause of depression changing his personality.

Please read these signs of emotional abuse - do any of these ring true?

You could contact Women's Aid, who can help you understand whether it's abuse or not, and give you specialist advice and support.

You could also read Lundy Bancroft's book(s).

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to, a close friend or family member?

He told him that he felt aggressive, not just angry, more than that, like he felt he wanted to lash out. He didn't go into specifics as in what he actually did but he did that's what he said

You are right AnotherEmma the depression is totally clouding the issue for me.

I didn't get to read all of the link but I did go through the questions, there are about 6/7 that I can say are true but most of them aren't, that is 6 or 7 too many though I do know that though

Yes you're right, 6/7 is definitely 6/7 too many! And it's obviously not just emotional abuse as he's been physically violent. Even if he didn't hit you, breaking things and pouring water over you is physical violence.

Is it? If he didn't actually hit me, is that physical violence, the way it happened the other night?