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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh depression help me please

38 replies

nocabbageinmyeye · 26/10/2015 15:31

I'm not sure where I should be posting, it could belong anywhere really, chat, relationships, aibu, my head is melted though so I'm going here in hope you lovely ladies can help me.

I don't have depression and have no experience of it so please excuse my ignorance. My dh believes he has it, I believe he does too, he is going to the gp this week. Our marriage is in trouble to the point of separation and he doesn't seem to care but what he doesn't/I don't know is does he not care or is the depression making him not care, does that make sense? If you have depression how do you know what are genuine feelings or what you are feeling because of the depression? I'm not even sure if I am explaining that correctly.

Have any of you had partners with depression that once they had been to the gp and got help things improved? How long did they take to improve?

Do you stay because of the depression? How much can you excuse because of it?

I'm sorry for all the questions, I just can't get my head straight. Our relationship is not good, he knows for ages he should have been seeking help but didn't, he treated me awfully at the weekend, so awfully that I should leave, but I don't know what to do, part of me thinks he is ill, but I don't understand depression at all, does that excuse how he is, do I stay and help or leave, which is what I would do if depression weren't a factor.

Do you know the difference in feelings? Between your feelings and your feelings because you have depression?

Any insight would help me, I am clueless and at a loss as to what to do

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/10/2015 00:20

Yes it is, see What is domestic violence? (Women's Aid)

Baconyum · 30/10/2015 00:29

What do you mean by ' he has nowhere to go' no family? Does he work?

Yes he was abusive and that is not acceptable.

However, anger is a symptom of depressions and especially prevalent in men suffering from depression.

I've had it for personally I would say 30 years but only diagnosed 10 years ago.

A lot of people think depression is feeling 'sad', its far more complex. It's feeling numb, being unable to feel joy, getting no pleasure from things which previously made you happy, feeling hopeless/useless/a waste of oxygen, thinking those you love would be better off without you in their lives, feeling despair, anxiety, not seeing the possibility of improvement...

And its different for everyone.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to move out (because of the violence/abuse) at least until he can manage his feelings of anger.

Original poster

nocabbageinmyeye · 30/10/2015 00:30

Thank you AnotherEmma I'll read that now, I appreciate it

OP posts:

Original poster

nocabbageinmyeye · 30/10/2015 00:40

Baconyum we are no contact with his parents, his sister and himself wouldn't have the sort of relationship where he could stay there (nor would she have the space). All our friends are in a similar situation to ourselves, married with young kids, so him staying with them would just be too disruptive to their lives, he wouldn't ask and I wouldn't blame him, I wouldn't either. He stayed in a hotel for one night and offered to stay there again but long term we couldn't financially support that plus our dd2 is too young to know but dd1 isn't so I made an excuse as to why he was gone all day Sunday/Monday but I just wanted to keep things as normal for them as possible so I said he could come back.

He does work, he has a very stressful job but is actively looking for another one.

How you describe depression there is exactly how he described it himself.

God I am so torn. Anger is part of depression but abuse is wrong depression or no depression I know that, but now he is getting help will the anger go away? even if it does can I forgive him? Part of me feels I have too many questions to sort in my head to walk away before I am sure, the other part of me feels too weary to even look for answers and just wants to go now

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/10/2015 00:47

OP, depression does not cause everyone who has it to become angry and abusive. I've had it and I experienced feelings of hopelessness and numbness. Sometimes irritation but not anger and NEVER aggression.

I understand that you're feeling confused, but please read the links I shared, contact Women's Aid, and read the Lundy Bancroft book(s) - any and all of these things will help you see things more clearly and feel less confused.

It's a lot to take in, though, so do it in your own time. And we're here for you along the way.

NameChange30 · 30/10/2015 00:49

If it helps, you don't have to decide right now whether to end the relationship. For example, you could suggest a trial separation while he seeks treatment and meanwhile you take time to think things over. You don't have to do that though. Do what feels right for you.

Original poster

nocabbageinmyeye · 30/10/2015 01:01

Thank you AnotherEmma I really mean that.

I feel at the moment it is a trial separation of sorts, I know he is here but we aren't sleeping together, it is different, it's hard to describe and he knows I am making no decisions for a few weeks. I don't want him to leave unless he is leaving for good, for the kids sake, i feel I need to make a final decision and stick to it, i don't want them in limbo too.

I will read all the links you sent me. He sent me links on depression too. I will read them all over the comings days, dd1 is on midterm break at the moment so getting less time to myself than usual but I will, i must admit I was putting a lot of reading on the long finger as it just left like my head would explode at one point

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/10/2015 15:52

decide your boundaries for behavior.

and tell him - "ok you got depression but there are some things I wont tolerate...you may have depression but you can take yourself outside if you need to scream/shout/throw things. " if he says he cant control himself then he needs urgent medical help...

you could work with him eg agree a warning light system - if you say to him "your are overstepping" he knows you mean business and he will go outside .

he throws something at you again - he goes to spend the night elsewhere
he swears at you for no good reason etc - he goes.

have a look at the "depression fallout" site .

do not let him use depression as an excuse for bad behaviour.

cestlavielife · 30/10/2015 15:54

oh and if he continues to drink then he isn't going down the right path - get the facts on drinking alcohol and his tablets.

bruffin · 30/10/2015 19:04

OP, depression does not cause everyone who has it to become angry and abusive
That is nonsense. Men and women tend to present differently with depression and men are more likely to show anger and aggression and self medicate.

My DH has had problems with depression since he was a child and bullied badly. He went through a particularly bad patch about 4 years when he went through a midlife crisis for over a year but he got through it and is actually very good at the moment. He does need to take ADs (and has done for over 20 years) but is on a minimal dose now.

I would say that when dh is down he wants validation that he is a bad person and doesnt deserve to have people love and care for him.
But i have always gone to the doctors with him and it does help to have someone else to advocate for him.

bruffin · 30/10/2015 19:16

Forgot to say DH also had CBT which did help

NameChange30 · 30/10/2015 19:18

bruffin "Nonsense"?! I said it doesn't make everyone angry and abusive, which is true. I didn't say it doesn't make anyone angry and abusive, which seems to be how you interpreted it?

The thing is, the OP mentioned a similar incident that happened 4.5 years ago, so unless he was depressed then and she just hasn't mentioned it, his behaviour isn't necessarily caused by the depression. In any case, depression or not, abuse is always unacceptable. I would be wary of assuming that treating the depression would guarantee he is not abusive again.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 30/10/2015 19:29

Hi, OP.

I think it depends on whether you believe is behaviour is a symptom of his depression (and anger can definitely be a symptom) or whether he's using depression as an excuse to behave this way.

I've had depression since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed officially at 19 and I've been on/off anti-depressants ever since. I did CBT and I came off citalopram about a year ago, but it was a long, hard slog to get here. I know I behaved in some very irrational ways when I was really in the fog of depression. My thinking was warped and I felt like everyone was out to get me. I blamed myself for everything, felt very insecure, and lashed out at the people I was closest to (DP and my parents).

Looking back on my behaviour now, I can see how it was the depression talking, but if you'd have asked me at the time, I wouldn't have seen it. I'm lucky in that I have an extremely supportive DP who has been my rock through everything. But he knew it was my depression causing my behaviour - I'm not madly irrational normally! Only you know whether your DP is really unwell or whether he's using it to cover his behaviour.

. I know it must be tough.

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