Has anyone got over their mum not really approving of them as a person or loving them properly?

[MyMother]

The week before last, something happened which made me realise my Mother doesn't really approve of me, my way of life, who I am.

This has formed who I am. Has anyone ever got over this?

Why doesn't she approve of you? Its difficult to comment without more information MM.

Anyway, I think we all seek approval and take it for granted that others do approve of us until something happens and you realise that your perceptions aren't the same as everyone else.

I have a problem with this whole 'mother approval,' business if I'm honest because while I believe in unconditional love for your children there comes a point when they're adults where you have to sometimes stand your ground. I can't bear rudeness, sneery sarcastic comments from people and don't get me going on deliberate unkindness...

As a consequence, if a child of mine exhibited any of these 'traits,' they'd get a bucketful of disapproval and a few sharp words fired in their direction - whatever their age.

Additionally,I'd hope they wouldn't 'get over it,' I'd hope they'd realise they're out of order and mend their ways. And if they didn't? More disapproval!

My mum never approved of me as a child, at least that is how it felt for me. She was a teacher and it always seemed that she cared more for her pupils than she did for me.

Many times she told me that I wasa lying, horrible little toad, that I was promiscuous (I was 15 and had had one proper boyfriend) and another time she told me, in response to my stating that I wanted to be a model "they are all prostitutes". Her face was fixed in a look of contempt or disgust when dealing with me much of the time.

As a result of growing up with the idea that I was bad and terrible I did not tell her when I fell pregnant at 16 (nor did I tell a doctor or ANYONE) until a month before the baby was due and I had no choices left. When I try to talk to her about my childhood now (I am 50, she is 76) she just shrugs and says she did her best. I cannot stand being her judgey, holier than thou company.

I have got over it though in most aspects apart from dealing with her. I keep contact to the minimum but enough so that the door is open if she wants to look at this stuff from another perspective, but that seems to be her biggest issue- she cannot see things from the perspective of others.

I had therapy, years of it, twice a week. I am not sure if it helped. What did help was to silence her voice in my head and tell it to shut up, that what she was saying was not true and not nice. I made a conscious decision to parent kindly and I think as a result I have managed to bring up a son who is kind, diplomatic and who I get on with.

Be kind to yourself is the best advice I was given, be gentle with yourself and stop listening to the judgements that are offered by your mother if they feel hurtful or unkind.

My mother didn't like/love me from the very beginning really. For all sorts of reasons and, as I grew up, she just had more reasons to dislike/despise me.

Intellectually, I know these were all her issues and not anything to do with me.

Emotionally, I don't know how to not be affected by it because it runs through me and impacts on everything from how I feel about myself and my self confidence, to my ability to form friendships/relationships with others.

I have massively under achieved academically and professionally because I valued myself so little, I married a man I knew didn't love me and who I didn't love because I (mistakenly!) thought that if she believed someone loved me, she would start to see me as a loveable person (even though it was bollocks) and try to see me that way too. She didn't.

Everything I ever did to better myself, improve my confidence, challenge myself, etc, she attempted to sabotage either by undermining my confidence in my ability/reason for doing it, or by sabotaging it in practical ways. E.g. by withdrawing support she had promised once I needed it.

My successes angered her and illicited more criticism and hostility and further sabotaging.

Any compliments were deliberately backhanded.

Ultimately, she resented me for any triumph in the face if adversity because she doesn't feel I've suffered enough; I haven't been punished enough for not being the daughter she wanted me to be or felt she deserved.

So no, I haven't ever got over it!

But I don't know how to.

Yes, I too have parented kindly.

My children are so different to me at their ages: more confident, more charming, 'wiser', more independent... I just made a decision to do all the things I thought my parents did well and the opposite to everything else. It seems to be working so far...

Mymother do you want to tell us more about what has happened to prompt you coming here for support?

Yes I feel I've got over it. I've decided to take the line that it wasn't personal, she just didn't 'get' or even like me.
It probably wasn't great being her either - I remember listening to her complaining to our dad that she missed work 'because at least there she had people to talk to'. I should have shouted out that I was indeed a person - and worth talking to.
Maybe it was my breech birth - something she mentioned at every opportunity- maybe it was PND.
It doesn't matter really so long as I know it wasn't me.

Yeah. I am not who she dreamed of me being. I am nearly 50 now and we are edging towards peace. That comes with a lot of untouchable topics. Largely instigated by me as I realise she is old and doesn't have long left and I am damned if she is going to die on me and leave with regrets. I am in a space now where I understand that of course she is an important figure in my life but she only gets to define me if I let her. And I don't (most days).

I've got over my mothers frank disapproval, dislike and thinly veiled contempt. It affected me for most of my life, ( though I am still young, so lucky to have let go at this point) and influenced many of the bad choices I made.

But , once I had my own children, I came to an enlightened point, and completely lost all respect for her. It took the power out her hate. I stopped wanting to be loved/liked by such a small bitter person. I don't like her as much as she dislikes me.

I once told an upset friend that the best way to change yourself was to be who you want to appear. That's what I do now. I no longer try to be who she would like me to be, and nor do I value her opinion/ feelings/ perspective.

My mother never showed me or my sister any affection as children, so we grew up with a distant relationship.

Now 30 years on, she does not approve of my lifestyle - I left an unhappy marriage and live with a lovely partner. We live in a small town which is very much still of the "What will people say'think menataiity" - of which she is a staunch believer.

I have never forgiven her and never will

Most definitely not over it and it gets worse as I get older as they are now doing the same to my DC

I didn't go to university so they couldn't boast about that. In their eyes they can't boast about my job. Most people find what I do at least slightly interesting. Will out myself by giving my exact job title but there aren't a load of us doing it - to put in perspective for example no one in the county I live in does this job. Never wished me luck for my first day and never once asked me how work is going.

We own our own house (mortgaged admittedly) and although not a show home on the rare visit from them it is clean and presentable. Still comments are made about it - it's a mess - not as many bedrooms or as expensive as DS's (whose job they feel they can boast about). They haven't heard BIL saying how he wishes their garden was as big or how wishes he could fit a snooker table in (we haven't got one but could fit one in)

As I said history is repeating itself and DC now say it wouldn't matter what they did it would not be good enough. My mum actually told my DD how disappointed she was in her that she wasn't going to university.

I don't understand how a mother can be like that. It wasn't until I had children that I realized exactly what she was like.

Theymakeme you could be talking about my mother. I can't bring myself to call her mum or DM - that sounds too nice.

If one good thing came out of my upbringing, it's the fact that I looked at everything she did as a mother and did the complete opposite with my own DCs.

Learning to deal with it with therapy...mine just couldn't love more than one child and I was the youngest unwanted one.

I don't let family or friends affect me anymore. Giving away your power to idiots is a path to self destruction.
I use the misery I had as a child and the subsequent crap adult relationships to spur me on to make my life better and feel gratitude for all the good things I do have in my life. It's all up to you and your mindset.
Good luck. I hope you can let go of needing parental approval. Just give it to yourself. Xx

I'm not over it, but I'm half way there I think. Partly from how fast she dropped me when I moved away for a few years, partly becoming a mother myself making things clearer. I'd always be subjected to flip flopping between golden child and scape goat with her and I can't live my life in fear of it.

She has betrayed me, sabotaged me, put me down and made me believe I can't do anything, that I am a cruel selfish person, that I can never be as good as my sister, despite how vile my sister is to myself and my mother. I became a doormat in an attempt to please her. Then I stopped playing along and started doing what I wanted and started achieving things and then I stopped having time as the golden child altogether. She's done everything she can to hurt me now and she has no ammo left, I'm so numb I'm able to challenge her even! Which feels amazing. But I can't stop craving a healthy mother daughter relationship, I'm getting over the fact she's not my mum. But I'll never get over wanting her approval iyswim.

I think once you realise the entire relationship you and your mother had was never healthy, it becomes a loose thread. As you pull it everything starts coming apart and you no longer recognise anything.

I forgot to say I'm so sorry so many of us have to share these feelings. But we all deserve so serious kudos for seeing our relationships for what they are.

No. So not over it and wisg I was. I don't want my past to define me but its made me emotionally who I am . underachieving unhappy etc...

I've made peace with her hatred of me, it took a long time but I eventually realised that the major issues were hers not mine.

My children are loved, supported and accepted...they will never feel the pain of knowing a parent considers them disposable.

No not over it. Felt free after she died though but the legacy of being made to feel unwelcome, a disappointment and something which ruined her life...lives on.
I am rubbish at friendships/relationships, under achieved job-wise but put every effort into bringing up my sons to feel loved, wanted and valued. They are level headed, secure, loving, happily married men with lovely children.

But I have achieved a certain level of success in life [against the odds and after a lot of help], being me, doing what I enjoy, working very hard...but I am not the person my mother wanted me to be.

If one good thing came out of my upbringing, it's the fact that I looked at everything she did as a mother and did the complete opposite with my own DCs.

If anyone reads the 'stately homes' thread this is one theme that comes up again and again.

Dinky I am not over it and like I said it seems to get worse but it now not about the need for her approval (I too like my DC accept that we will never have approval) but the fact she can't be a civil human being or show any interest in our lives. Does that make sense?

regrets you may not be the person your mother wanted you to be but you are the person your sons want you to be.

I kind of relate to this ....

Always felt second best to my sibling I've never felt good enough Then I found out in the last year my mum withheld some medical (genetic) information from me which explains all the difficulties my DS has had throughout his life.

Our relationship is slowly improving although right now I don't look at her as being my 'mother' just a regular acquaintance

If one good thing came out of my upbringing, it's the fact that I looked at everything she did as a mother and did the complete opposite with my own DCs.

Same here!

In fact I could quote half the posts on here

I'm not able to just leave it all behind. My mother didn't like me from the start, it's everything I know about myself. I might as well just 'leave behind' the fact I'm a woman, or that I can see or speak English. It's that fundamental. I don't know how to be any other way. It's just what I am.

What saddens me the most is that I went NC at 37. I'm now 40. I can't see it being any different.

Work is hard because of the constant self doubt and fear of failure, that never leaves me. I'm single because I can't sustain a relationship - I don't trust, I doubt myself, I don't feel loveable and relationships feel increasingly suffocating and stressful until I end them. I find friendships hard for similar reasons.

But my children are amazing. My son is nearly 17 and last night he came and sat with me on the sofa for a hug. He seeks advice and he is open with me. He feels that our relationship is a 'safe' place for him to talk about things. I never had any of that.

I tell myself that this means I can't be all bad, but they're just words.

Past it, not 'over' it.

She was and is clearly unwell.

(I am now NC and happier for that.)