Expat/ trailing spouse of workaholic.

[NinjaChipmunk]

Not sure where to start really. Been with dh 18 years, 2 dc aged 8 and 3. I think we are both equally to blame for our situation. Currently living in European country due to his work. He's always been a workaholic but it has got worse over the years. He leaves at 7.30 and gets home anytime between 7.30 and 10ish. He then eats (we've usually eaten by then) helps with teeth and bed (he only ever does the oldest though) and usually heads into his office at home and works a bit more. He often works from home on at least one weekend day and is always checking emails. He travels frequently. We can go through a day having spoken only a handful of words. We go to bed at different times. We do not have a physical relationship and haven't for around 3 and a half years (since pg with dc2). We don't cuddle and it's a quick peck at bedtime to say goodnight. I did not want to move over here but felt my choice was that or separation. It was an extremely painful time. We dont talk. I have a lot of built up resentment both at him and myself on how we have dealt with our relationship over the years. We have never been on an equal footing financially. I have a biggish overdraft in the UK due to me paying more than I could afford on childcare and food when dc 2 was at nursery in the uk. We tried to talk at the time but it just dissolved into rows each time so I just closed myself off and dealt with it. Other similar things have happened over the years hence the resentment and lack of communication. Basically work comes first then the kids then me.

If I felt we ultimately wanted the same things maybe I wouldn't feel like this. I want my life to be sociable, lunches with family and friends, kids seeing their friends (a lot of whom have parents who are also friends), I'd quite like a dog. I would prefer cheaper lifestyle and do not particularly feel the need to buy shit every time I go into the nearest town. I want (and had prior to leaving) a job that I enjoyed and was varied but not too pressured/ stressful (been there,done that, didn't like it). Most of all I want to go home. Not necessarily our actual house but back to the UK.

He is all about work and instant gratification when shopping, he thinks eating out 2-3 times a week is normal. He loves that hes moved abroad and makes snarky comments about how people back home haven't grown like he has as they are still living the same lives. Im pretty sure he will want to go to another country rather than go home when it is time.

I'll be honest I feel I've pretty much checked out of this relationship at least 50% of the time. Dont get me wrong, he is a lovely guy and we have a similar sense of humour and I do care about him but i would say i love but I'm not in love. I am pretty much stuck here due to contractual obligations of the job for around another 18 months. I need to spend this time working out wtf I am going to do. I cant get a job here outside of the home due to how childcare works here (I basically live in the 1950s to 1970s here) but have luckily been offered a work from home part time job for a friend.

If you are still reading this then any help or advice would be lovely. Im so lonely and whilst my friends here have partners who work a lot, I dont feel I can talk to them about this.

(((())))
I've done the trailing spouse thing and unless you're really in it together there's no point. Do you like where you live? Can you work? At the very least I'd expect him to sort out your overdraft at the expense of eating out.

Definitely get your overdraft sorted out - how do you work money?

Hello. Sounds horrible for you. And of course your issues are difficult to talk through with most people because serial expat lives are alien and incomprehensible to many non-expats.

I'm on my 7th move. Worked in many more countries out of a suitcase. I've been both leading spouse and trailing spouse.

Just off the top of my head:

1. Your husband clears the overdraft.
2. Your finances are 100% shared and equal, particularly if your career choices are compromised by his work choices
3. Anything stopping you from resettling in UK with the kids and he visits at weekends? Just putting it out there!
4. Childcare costs...this is his responsibility not yours, whilst he's the only earner and his career choice prevents your working without this
5. Serial expats are a bit like serial killers...it requires a streak of sociopathy to regularly dislocated from relationships and environments every 3 years. IMHO. I am one, by the way.
6. Finances...he needs to balance his material lifestyle preferences with providing for his family. Family comes first, dinners out come second. Lots expats confuse generous relocation packages / allowances with personal wealth. Their retirements will be hellish .
7. I also feel that I have grown on many ways versus old friends that never lived abroad. Experiencing many different countries expands the mind and soul in many ways. But I also recognise, respect and am jealous of my old friends' socially deeper, more stable and more firmly anchored lives.

You sound as though you're at a crossroads . Good for you. Living abroad teaches flexibility and resilience in coping with the unknown so you will cope whatever happens.

I'll keep checking this thread and hope you are ok

I get €600a month for food, kindergarten and a little on going out/ whatever I want to do with it. I generally stick about 150 a month into my uk account. I'm getting myfirst paycheck at the end of the month so will be able to hammer it a little more. For clothes and any extras I'll ask and he'll give me the money. 18 years as of things slowly going downhill is worse and more difficult to reverse as we dont argue much unless a money conversation happens. I know he feels the stress of having to provide for all of us but ffs we are here because of him! I feel like my life is on hold.

I don't get it? If you're married and all together abroad, surely all your money should be shared? Why does he dole it out like this? Why was childcare your responsibility only when you were working?

InternationalEspionage point 7. Right there. He wants the first part, I want the second.

I know quite a few serial expats. I get why they like it but its 100% not me.

I have been a trailing spouse and hated it but the thing that jumps out at me is that you have claimed responsibility for an overdraft caused by FOOD and CHILDCARE. If the children are his and you are not an amazing 40 stone woman, then these are his concerns and he should be paying off this overdraft. The "housekeeping" thing isn't working.

Hugs. You have put so much time, love, effort and energy into your family. And your husband is being selfish. Expat life can be great, especially if you are child free. But putting down roots is the mature and intelligent option here, your husband has deluded himself into believing that he is special and more interesting than your friends in the UK because he travels - but to constantly travel is to avoid putting down roots, to avoid building lasting relationships and actually is a bit of a red flag for a stable and loving family life. You need him to display characteristics he just doesn't have, and you have been waiting a long time for him to develop those characteristics. The overdraft is making you think you are partly at fault for how things have turned out, but look at the big picture - your family's lives revolve around your husband and his choices. Just because his career currently pays for everything doesn't mean it's the best option for everyone involved and he loves the feeling of being the big man providing for his family - but it ain't the 1950s and you are perfectly entitled to want to escape this life which is a fantasy for many men, he has you where he wants you. But I'm sure he wants you to be happy, it's just you've come so far down this road. You need to come back to the UK as a family to make it work differently - it's your turn to lead. Good luck.

Putting the money aside for a moment, I feel so separate, we clearly are wanting quite different things from life and have different priorities. I dont know what to do. On one hand I hate the thought of splitting up our family, the kids esp dc1 would be completely devastated. I think I would be too. But the thought of still feeling like this in another 3 years time, in another country where any life goals I might have would still be taking a back seat absolutely kills me. I feel depressed and anxious at the thought if it.

Equally the thought f making dh compromise his dreams is horrible too. I want him to be happy.

International Serial expats are a bit like serial killers...it requires a streak of sociopathy to regularly dislocated from relationships and environments every 3 years.
Ninja where are you? Objectively is it a place who could be happy and thrive?
Do prioritise the finances though. It's key to the way you're feeling, you may well feel more disposed to where you're living once you're not effectively subsidising it and feel more secure.

Also I'm not sure how we can ever get back to having a physical relationship after so long. There is no spark, no desire to rekindle it. And I think im right in saying it from both sides, otherwise one of us would have made a a point of it.

Seriously I'd start with the money chat. Why should you have an overdraft in the UK for looking after his child and putting food on the table? But that's really just the tip of the iceberg.

NinjaChipmunk

That sounds really hard. It seems like your DH is quite absent mentally as well as physically and you are left to deal with everything alone.

CoastingIt has hit the nail on the head.

What do you want to do with your life? What would your ideal life look like? What would be best for your kids? I think once you have worked out the answers to those questions you can set a path to achieving it. If your DH can fit into plans that accommodate your needs and those of your children, then great. If not then you need to achieve them alone.

I am in a similar position except that I have no idea what I actually want and feel that achieving my goals would be at too high a price for my DCs.

Seriously I have a workaholic husband but we love each other. The rewards too have made up for it. You are getting the worst of all worlds in this relationship. It centres around him and you are being made to scrimp. That is no life. I have a feeling you would be better off on your own. Emotionally, financially and socially.

alteredimages I think we are both quite absent mentally atm

alteredimages I'm sorry to hear that. If you need a buddy to help you work things out, I'm happy for you to pm me.
Someone asked if I could settle and thrive here - no. I never wanted to be here but eventually agreed to try it since my other options at the time were pretty final. The expat lifestyle isn't one I've taken to particularly, I find the constant coming and going difficult. We live in a relatively small area with a huge number of expats. I hope none of them use mn as I think I'd be outed straight away.
I want roots. I want my family around me. I want my friends. I want social, I want things that are good for my soul.
It's funny but I can talk to my friends about pretty much anything. But dh and i, I just cant. It's too difficult to start and if I do its too emotional in many ways to get it out and sorted. I wish I'd put in my needs and wishes all those years ago as nearly 20 years in its not something that is easy to think about starting

I completely understand what you are saying about wishing you had put your needs and wishes first at the beginning. It seems like too much water under the bridge sometimes, and there is a lot that binds you. This doesn't mean you have to settle for the status quo though. There has to be a solution.

Have you discussed any of this with your DH? If he is wrapped up in work so much he may well not have noticed how unhappy you are. It may come as a genuine surprise to him and he may be more helpful than you think.

I am too chicken to bring up most of the stuff that is bothering me with DH, but he has surprised me with his kindness and flexibility a few times.

The expat lifestyle has a lot of advantages, but one of the drawbacks is that you often end up relying on friendships of necessity, where you can have fun but not confide the really important stuff.

I don't feel I can talk about it with anyone either, because I am worried that if i start I will completely crumble and it will be like a dam bursting. Mad, I know.

How long have you been an expat for, and do you have a plan for the kids' schooling once the eldest begins secondary? I know that is a cut off point for a lot of expat families.

Oh honey. But maybe your husband feels and knows that things have to change. He is probably feeling more burned out than he would admit - he might feel like he has failed or become boring if you all move back to the UK now. So if you did, there's a high chance he would either resent you for making him 'give it all up' or that he would just publicly blame you and the family in general, putting untenable pressure on you. But he is married to you and he has his children who he should be putting first. So you do need a proper discussion. Can you organise a meal out somewhere and take notes if necessary and make it clear that you need to talk about things? Treat it like a business meeting. He will be shocked that you are finally speaking up and communicating but he will respect you and he will recognise the wife he loves. He will also probably lash out at you but you need to do this. One big 'this all has to change' type conversation, with lots of 'I love you and I miss you and that is why things have to change'. Give him time to digest it and regroup in a few days or whatever. But if your physical relationship isn't happening, he isn't happy or fulfilled either. Even a workaholic needs connection and affection. You don't suspect an affair, do you?

Omg that's terrible.

My DH is out of the house much longer than yours, plus used to do weekends and works away a lot...we never moved to fit in around his work though.

What's different is that although I've been a SAHM and then a small time landlady, DH and I both have equal disposable income as its divided between us both and goes into our separate current accounts.

Added to that when he does come home we talk loads and I keep looking up to seeing him looking over at me with that gorgeous lazy smile at me.

More hours from him but a happier marriage. I'd not be satisfied with your marriage at all.

altered I know that dam bursting feeling too well! And yes to so much water under the bridge. But you are right. There must be a solution of sorts. I guess to a degree time is on my side. We can't go anywhere for at least 18 months or we have to pay back a substantial chunk of the relocation. That at least means I have some time to work out what I want to say and do.
I'm sorry you don't feel able to confront your husband too. Please do feel free to put your problems on here if you wish.
Dc1 is at an international school which goes up to age 18. The company pay atm but have the right to revoke it after 3 years. I'd rather they didn't go into the local schools here as I have heard a lot re bullying going on. We've been here 14 months now. The initial plan was to come home after 2.5 to 3 years.
coasting I wouldn't want him to give up his dreams at the cost of resenting us. That would be awful. And I'm pretty positive there's no affair going on, he never hides his phone and I know the password. He just buries himself in the work. I just can't see us working hard to save us. I'm not sure either of us have the fight despite caring about each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I guess time will tell.
joysmum don't lose that feeling you get when you look at him. Hang on with everything you have!

'I guess time will tell'

No, that's really sad. You all deserve more than this. You married each other out of love and a desire to build a wonderful life together, not to compromise. Your husband's drive and ambition - and your presumable admiration of that - should drive you both to want to get this sorted. Kids take up so much energy, you've both been working so hard for years but it's not too late to get things back on track and you will both be happier for it - probably your kids too. Your husband needs to know, from you, that his workaholic tendencies are not compatible with the rest of his life and he basically does have to choose. It has to be an ultimatum really, but a gentle one that will hopefully result in positive changes for your whole family. Please don't just let time pass, things can only get better when you address them, don't be scared.

And it wouldn't be him giving up his dreams - it's been a long time of him following his dream - any resentment would be a short term thing and he would undoubtedly find rewarding and satisfying work in the UK. He has fulfilled his dream already and he should appreciate how supportive you have been of that, it's his turn to prioritise you - and his whole family. That is in no way at all unfair on him. In no way at all.

joysmum don't lose that feeling you get when you look at him. Hang on with everything you have!

He earns it, it's not a choice on my part

Is it expensive to visit UK ... Easy jet?