Would your DH/DP behave this way?

[SoloPolo]

I'm a bit lost so not sure if I'm BU.

I've been unwell for the last six weeks. Started with debilitating morning sickness (needed medication), then sadly ended in mc. As a result have been pretty incapacitated during this time.

Usually I'm a normal function person that does more than my fair share of domestic chores. One if these is planning, shopping and cooking. DH used to cook and do his share but got bored a couple if years ago, so now it's my responsibility. I should add here both DD and I have food requirements/ allergies that mean food planning is pretty key.

What I'm upset about is that since I've been ill, DH has not cooked a single meal (aside from fish finger/jacket potato type dinners for DD).

There's been no food in the house. Literally nothing. I've had to prompt him to do an online shop, and when I arrives he hasn't actually ordered any food apart from toddler snacks and the fridge remains completely empty. I've had three takeaways this week as there F all else to eat.

He says because I'm not sure that I fancy he just can't be bothered to cook, so has eaten take away or sandwiches for 6 weeks. Is this normal? I just can't imagine a situation where he was unwell and I stopped shopping and cooking because he couldn't tell me what he wanted.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your P is a lazy spoilt arsehole. You've just had a miscarriage and he won't cook you a meal?
Well you know what to do, when you're back up and running, whenever that is, you just don't cook for him anymore.

I'm really cross on your behalf.

What a lazy, cruel, unsupportive shit he sounds

In short no absolutely he would not
He would be looking after me as I would him if he were ill.
Yanbu in the least. Unacceptable and uncaring behaviour
Sorry for your loss too

Thank you for your kind reply. I'm very close to never cooking for him again.

Thing is, he says he will cook whatever I want but unless I give him clear instructions on what to get, nothing happens. I just haven't had the energy to think about food and wish it would just happen without my input. Or he offers to cook things he knows I dint like and we usually never eat.

I asked him to buy some snacks earlier and he needed guidance - savoury of sweet. FFS we've been together 10 years, just get a mixture.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I am so cross with him. Yes, it might be he is experiencing the loss with a lack of care for his health ..... but he's got to recognise that physically your body has gone through a damaging time (sickness and the loss of pregnancy). He needs a stern word. I'm all for partners managing the communication between themselves but I'm quite happy as a complete strange to bend his ear or even his mother's over this. Get in front of tele with DD. Send him out for real food and tell him to not bother if he can't manage that!

*not to bother coming back

My DH would need to know what to get too but actually wouldn't have time to shop and cook unless he had time off.

If he did work normal hours and wouldn't cook he'd be wearing his balls for a necklace.

He has very flexible working and managed to do 1-2 hours exercise most days in office hours.

How was he able to just stop doing his share of the cooking because he 'got bored'? I suggest (when you're feeling better) that you get bored of doing the laundry for everyone.

I'm very sorry for your loss. My DH would know what to order from the supermarket (is it really hard to re-order the same order as you got last time? Or pick from Favourites?). He would be able to cook some simple meals for ds and I could eat those too (e.g. pasta, beans) and would take a crack at something more complicated if I asked. The difference is, he suffers from chronic pain and is in a wheelchair - and he's still more able and willing to pull his weight than your DH.

I'm not sure why you don't do a supermarket shop online, order all the food you want and when it's in the fridge, ask him to cook a meal with it.

Why should she BSites, she's been ill and had a MC! It's not that he doesn't have the skills as he used to do this.

He dies most the laundry as in out it on and hang it out. I iron/fold and put away.

He only likes cooking complex dinner party type food and isn't interested in the day to day cooking, so his interest waned after DD came along and there wasn't time for it anymore.

I've order some bits online but have felt nauseous 24/7 so it's hard to think about food planning. I've been in & out if hospital all week so thought he could take over that side of things.

I'd just order it online.
Menu planning for specific dietary requests in hard ( I have them) your asking him to do something outside of his zone.
Just order it and ask him to cook.

No my DH wouldn't behave like this and in fact has taken over cooking for several weeks when I was ill.

In your situation I would be very honest and tell him you that you need food, you can't come up with ideas but can he please prepare you a proper meal every evening (just like you have done for years)

Tell him now so he has time to go shopping now and prepare your a proper meal for tonight.

As others have said just go online and do a food shop. My dh would eat take away every night if he could. surely if you could come onto MN and complain about your dh you can go online and do food order...

My DP would do the cooking and shopping in that situation, but I'd have to directly tell him to. I'd also have to accept I'd be eating 'his' kind of food (ie very simple things he knows how to prepare, involving quite a lot of meat + packet/tinned side) rather than 'my' kind of food (lots of fresh veg and varied meals cooked from scratch.)

It is rubbish that your DP can't take more initiative, but assuming he has other good points can you just grit your teeth, tell him clearly he needs to take over food shopping and meal prep for next X weeks, and make a quick list of meals you and DD can eat and what he needs to get to go in them? He should be able to work it out himself of course, as it seems he does actually have some cooking skills, but you'll probably get a better result if you just invest in 10-15 minutes of list making and then hand it all over for good.

No my dh wouldn't behave like this and can't believe some are making excuses for him, telling op to get on with it, do an online order... Thinking about food makes her feel ill and she has been in hospital ffs.

In contrast I am 16 wks preg, and have been feeling awful, my dh is doing the.bulk of everything tbh as I have felt I'll, had a few bugs and am just generally knackered. He has just picked up the slack as I do if he is ill etc.

Op I am sorry for your loss, I hope you can rest and recover and your dh starts being more supportive. Xxxx

'surely if you could come onto MN and complain about your dh you can go online and do food order...'

FFS. Takes a few seconds to post. She still feels sick. But hey, anything to excuse a lazy person.

But if you can order a takeaway and eat it, then I don't understand how an online shop is beyond you. I think that you want to be looked after and cosseted a bit, which is understandable, and the food situation is a red herring here.

Ordering a takeaway one,for one meal, is very simple and straightforward. Meal planning for 3 people for a weekly shop takes a while and is not trivial. Especially as the OP has been in and out of hospital and has said that thinking about food is difficult for her at the moment. My DP is a crap cook but could manage some decent basics with very little input from me. He might also get some good quality ready meals for variety too. I could easily pass that responsibility over to him. If your DH can find 1-2 hrs daily for exercise, he should be able to find time to plan and organise food for you all.

I agree with you, BSites. It's not about the grocery shopping and menu planning.

Menu planning for specific dietary requests in hard ( I have them) your asking him to do something outside of his zone.

Outside his zone?? OP says they've been together for 10 years. When exactly does this become his "zone" where he is actually required to be a grown up?

It's the type of thing my ex might do...

No DH would not behave this way, he's more than capable of shopping & cooking for the family as he is an adult.
This is not acceptable & you should tell your DH this.

My DH probably would be a bit the same, he just doesn't see the issue - he'd feed DS ok and make himself sandwiches.

I was ill recently, only for a week or so and he would just ask 'is there anything you want' before scarpering downstairs with a 'well shout if you do' when I said 'nah, not really sure'.

When he was ill only weeks before that and wasn't eating I was constantly running up and down the stairs 'could you maybe manage some soup - I've got chicken or tomato' or 'are you sure you don't want some a drink, maybe try some tea?', do you want me to keep you company for a bit, etc.

I genuinely think that some people just don't seem to have the same caring thing. I was really hurt at the time that I want really being looked after, but I know he loves me and he just doesn't get it.