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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would your DH/DP behave this way?

44 replies

SoloPolo · 24/10/2015 14:30

I'm a bit lost so not sure if I'm BU.

I've been unwell for the last six weeks. Started with debilitating morning sickness (needed medication), then sadly ended in mc. As a result have been pretty incapacitated during this time.

Usually I'm a normal function person that does more than my fair share of domestic chores. One if these is planning, shopping and cooking. DH used to cook and do his share but got bored a couple if years ago, so now it's my responsibility. I should add here both DD and I have food requirements/ allergies that mean food planning is pretty key.

What I'm upset about is that since I've been ill, DH has not cooked a single meal (aside from fish finger/jacket potato type dinners for DD).

There's been no food in the house. Literally nothing. I've had to prompt him to do an online shop, and when I arrives he hasn't actually ordered any food apart from toddler snacks and the fridge remains completely empty. I've had three takeaways this week as there F all else to eat.

He says because I'm not sure that I fancy he just can't be bothered to cook, so has eaten take away or sandwiches for 6 weeks. Is this normal? I just can't imagine a situation where he was unwell and I stopped shopping and cooking because he couldn't tell me what he wanted.

OP posts:

CatMilkMan · 24/10/2015 17:09

My DP wouldn't cook and wouldn't do much shopping, we would just have takeaways until I was better.

laundryeverywhere · 24/10/2015 17:13

When I was ill with a bad back for about 6 weeks, my Dh cooked himself a version of stew using frozen ready cooked meat and veg in instant gravy (he actually quite likes this!)every day for about 2 weeks. I had lost my appetite so dd and I shared a microwave meal. After that Dh got bored of his weird stew and started cooking a few other things. He ended up doing a full Auntie Bessies Xmas dinner the meat was a Bernard Matthews turkey joint. Ok he is a rubbish cook with a strange taste in food, but I did appreciate that he did it all and took over all the house work as well as working.

NewLife4Me · 24/10/2015 17:27

Mine would completely take over and probably do a better job than me, he is a grown up with a child to look after.
It's his responsibility and he wouldn't need help or being asked to do it.

QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 17:28

No. We wouldn't be getting the kind of things I cook, because it's my job normally (because of his hours) and I'm better at planning, making more complex stuff etc. He would fail to budget properly and buy a lot of nonsense like hot dogs and ready meals. BUT he would make sure we all got fed, and probably get me some chocs too, so I would know he cared (but was a bit crap at cooking).

Your DH blaming you because you can''t say exactly what you want is really crap. It sounds like just an excuse so he can put off bothering. He can easily go to a shop, get some pasta and sauce and frozen fish and peas etc and say "which would you like today" or he can easily just put something basic together and slap it on the table.

I just can't imagine a situation where he was unwell and I stopped shopping and cooking

I'd be tempted to tell him how much this has upset you and that you will do exactly the same next time he's ill unless he gets over himself now.

Seeyounearertime · 24/10/2015 17:28

I have a fence up my bum right now :)
At first glance it sounds like OH is being a bit selfish etc. BUT, hence the fence, OP has he said, "What do you want?" And you've said "I can't think about it, I don't know what I want, anything" or things along those lines?

It doesn't excuse his behaviour obviously. But if he's met with that attitude every time hes about to cook or get shopping then I can see a small reasoning as to why he'd just get DCs food sorted.

If it were me though, I'd be forcing my OH to eat and cooking whether she wanted me to or not (but i do that any way)

WicksEnd · 24/10/2015 18:11

Mine would step it up and be fine. He would however use every single pot, pan and utensil available and the kitchen and everything in it would need cleaning afterwards. Meals would take on average 2 hours to cook and a key ingredient would be missing.

pinkyredrose · 24/10/2015 18:15

He's broken his wedding vows, he wasn't there for you in sickness. He sounds a lazy bastard in health too.

Flutterbutterfly · 24/10/2015 18:16

Menu planning for specific dietary requests in hard ( I have them) your asking him to do something outside of his zone.

Outside his zone?? OP says they've been together for 10 years. When exactly does this become his "zone" where he is actually required to be a grown up? hmm
--------
I do all of the menu planning and shopping and cooking. My DH is crap at it, he never does it. It would be traumatic for him, in fact after the birth of baby one he did the food (shopping, cooking)he spent £400 in a week. It's out of his zone. Just like sorting the electrical / computer stuff is now out of my zone ( DH does it)
It's really difficult to cater for someone who doesn't know what they want when you can cook, flipping nightmare if you don't.

Agree it's a red flag, tell him you feel needy and want more love. ( it's ok to feel this way)

thenightsky · 24/10/2015 18:19

OP. so sorry for your loss

I was in very similar circumstances to you many years (about 25 years).

DH did all the shopping and cooking despite working long hours in a driving job.

QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 18:45

It's OK to have "zones" - in our house I do DIY and DP does all audiovisual and computer stuff. I do laundry, he does dishes and kitchen. But it has to be fair and you have to be able to step up to at least the basics if someone is ill.

I am normally the cook, so I wouldn't expect DP to do a brilliant job of it but I would expect him to manage basic provision.

Original poster

SoloPolo · 24/10/2015 20:04

Thanks everyone. Thing is DH is perfectly capable when he wants to be. He could easily pull off a three course meal, including dietary requirements and all the planning & shopping. It's not lack of ability stopping him. He just can't be arsed.

He's come back with a ready meal tonight at my request so that's something. He was sat next to M&S for 7 hours this week while I was in hospital and didn't think to buy a thing despite us having no food in I just don't get the mentality at all.

He would like another DC but as my pregnancies are all crappy and incapacitating, I feel a bit reluctant to rely on him if we are going to have issues over stuff like this.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 24/10/2015 20:14

If the genders were switched and the DH was ill Peggy would be saying the opposite.

HE would like another DC. I bet he would. Because he can check out due to boredom

HelenaDove · 24/10/2015 20:15

And im disgusted at the DHs who expect posters to live on unhealthy takeaways while ill.

Its usually these kinds of men who then complain if you gain weight.

CheerfulYank · 24/10/2015 20:22

My DH wouldn't cook the way I do (there would be a lot of chili and scrambled eggs with cheese) but he would cook and make sure the children ate their veggies.

So sorry, OP.

Dungandbother · 24/10/2015 20:27

My ex would. And would also have plenty of reasons he hadn't. Starting every time with
I'm not bothered

Sums up his selfishness

ItchyArmpits · 24/10/2015 20:29

I'm so sorry for your loss

My DH would not behave in the way you've described.

Very occasionally he does get a bit helpless (e.g. "Is there any housework that needs doing?" - obviously only I can see what stuff is clean and tidy and what isn't ) but in those situations he follows instructions willingly enough.

Sounds like he needs you to email him a few recipes that you want to eat. Hope he is usually more use than a chocolate kettle.

I just can't imagine a situation where he was unwell and I stopped shopping and cooking because he couldn't tell me what he wanted.

Personally speaking, I can. When I was ill with depression and anxiety I became so indecisive and scared of getting it wrong that I had a panic attack in a supermarket because I wasn't sure what type of salad to buy. I'm not joking. It was bad. Is it a possibility that your DH is worried about you and grieving the miscarriage too and is terrified of bringing you the wrong thing?

Again, sorry for your loss.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 24/10/2015 20:56

My DP did everything for me during my ectopic. Without being asked. Your DP should be doing the same. Time for a talk with him. So sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is thinking of you.

RickJames · 24/10/2015 22:04

My DH cannot cook. He tries but its just a disaster. If I'm sick I still make the shopping lists and tell him what to make and he does the work. Sometimes I have to get up and give the verdict on whether something is cooked or not. It does seem a bit ridiculous but at least he produces something edible for us. What I'm saying is - you cant just give up and not cook because you arent good at it or find it boring. Sick people need decent food.

poolsclosed · 25/10/2015 01:18

Hi SoloPolo
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
To answer your OP, no, my DH wouldn't behave like that, and he's a very below-average cook who takes literally 4 hours to make things like lasagna, never mind a 3 course dinner.
I agree with the previous poster(s) who have said that it's time to have a talk with him about stepping up to help you.

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