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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its really happening and now im terrified.

28 replies

needhelpandadvice · 23/10/2015 15:41

Firstly sorry I have been posting so much but no one to really speak to in R/L.

Major silence and huffs from him 3 weeks ago, same thing really, he is very moody which I put down to his cannabis use, which he uses a lot of.

I had enough and didn't pander to him, so he announces hes had enough, moving out etc.

Today he has been offered a house and now im so terrified! Im sick!!

I have been fine give or take a day or 2 over the past few weeks, he has given me his ring back 2 weeks ago and said my distance and unloving nature as pushed his over and cant see anything changing.

Maybe he is right, maybe it is me. But the mood swings and days of silences broke me, the wondering what I had done wrong and walking on eggshells.

And now I find myself minimising all the se things and asking myself, is it me?

OP posts:
RoisinIwanttofightyourfather · 23/10/2015 15:48

Oh golly Needhelp. It sounds like you will be better off without him.
Can you just make a strong image and sense in your mind of him being moody, distant and unloving. That's the reality. And it's more than a bit shit.

tribpot · 23/10/2015 15:51

Honestly, why would it be you? Look at what you've posted just on this thread. Silence and bad moods, cannabis use, blaming you for everything - and as soon as you refuse to kowtow to him and his raging ego he's out the door. I give it a week after he moves out before he's back offering to 'give you another chance', aka continue to be his emotional punching bag.

Let him go, ignore all the crap about your 'unloving nature', that means you finally stopped being his doormat. You will be far better off without him sapping your energy.

RandomMess · 23/10/2015 15:51

The pain will diminish and you will feel so much happier once he has gone and you've moved on without his horrid moods that have you walking on eggshells

summerwinterton · 23/10/2015 15:54

I would thank your lucky stars you are losing this drug user. Please shut the door and breathe the biggest sigh of relief. He sounds hideous. Why do you think you deserve so little?

Ever heard of the Freedom Programme?

And block his number, and him on FB or anywhere else he can contact you.

keely79 · 23/10/2015 15:55

Take a moment, sit quietly, and imagine what your life will be like without him. Imagine coming home, and not being on tenterhooks because he might be in a mood. Imagine not having to suppress who you are because it might set him off. Imagine not having someone who sucks all of your emotional energy out and who lashes out at you for issues he and his drug use are causing.

Imagine all that and then I think it'll be clear.

ineedabodytransplant · 23/10/2015 16:20

I can never understand people accepting their partners using illegal drugs.

OP, you'll be well shot, he sounds like a waste of skin and oxygen.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 23/10/2015 16:24

Thank you all, its just all of a sudden when the letter arrived about the house, it set something off in my head, a case of maybe this wasn't that bad, or that wasn't that bad situations?? Is that normal??

Im also so worried how it will effect how little one.

OP posts:
dontknowwhatcomesnext · 23/10/2015 16:25

You know what, you only get one life. This is not a trial life and you get some re-do. Get out there, do the work and get happier.

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 23/10/2015 16:29

So sorry. Meant to post that response on a different thread!

summerwinterton · 23/10/2015 16:36

how can living with a drug user and a bad tempered one at that, not have an affect?

You need to take steps to keep him well away from you. And no it is never normal to tolerate his behaviour, why would you? I don't understand why you accept illegal drugs either. How is that normal?

category12 · 23/10/2015 16:43

It'll be good for your little one to be in a relaxed calm environment where you aren't constantly worried about what the next mood swing will be. And without drugs in the house.

HeySoulSister · 23/10/2015 17:02

How has he managed to get a house?

Twinklestein · 23/10/2015 17:23

Perhaps you have the same relationship to him that he does to cannabis, you know it would be much better for you to give it up, but you fear the withdrawal symptoms.

That's all it is, getting over an addiction. He's not a nice man. He's not even a responsible man. Once it's over you'll be relieved.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 23/10/2015 17:47

I have asked so many times to quit/cut back his cannabis intake. But he cant/wont.

Yet he wants me to change things about me e.g going out socialising, helping people out so much!

He has got a private rent, he is off to have a look at it just now.

I believe I have normalised his behaviour and drug use there for have a part to play in how things have gone wrong.

Also not even sure when or how to tell people.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 23/10/2015 17:58

so a controlling drug user.

Help him pack his bags and look forward to your freedom.

And please will you look into the Freedom Programme too?

His behaviour is not normal, and nor is your acceptance of it.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 23/10/2015 18:02

I will have a google of the freedom programme, thanks.

The problem is I think, I don't see myself as having been abused?? Does that make any sense at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 23/10/2015 21:44

Wow this is so difficult tonight, he has taken to sitting in the shed smoking hash and drinking beer.

I opened up to my mum tonight and she was like "thank god" get him out before you DC thinks this is what a marriage looks like and having drugs around is normal.

I almost feel like something has died and I am grieving.

Sorry for dramatics and posting, this has been a good outlet.

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 23/10/2015 22:23

The cannabis use may be a factor in his behaviour, but I think it's a red herring to focus on it. THe problem is that he is denying any sort of personal responsibility for his behaviour and placing all the responsibility for the health of the relationship on you. In short, that makes him borderline abusive.

He is controlling and manipulative. You really are better off without him, no matter what his good points are. You should feel that your partner has your back. That your weaknesses can be shared and lead to intimacy, not something that can be used against you. You need to be able to communicate with your partner, not experience days of silences, mood swings and walking on eggshells.

Better to walk alone than badly accompanied. Self reliance is hard but leads to greater self-esteem. Bad relationships erode self esteem and fundamentally sabotage any life plan you have.

Good luck OP. It's hard and you're entitled to grieve for the loss of the dream that you had of a future together. But I think once you've mourned the loss, you'll be thinking you had a lucky escape. Flowers

junebirthdaygirl · 24/10/2015 09:04

He is turning things around to blame you as doesn't want to take responsibility. He is the one who has destroyed the relationship. It's natural to be grieving but don't back down now. Don't get into any discussion with him about whose fault it is. Lean on your supportive mom and it will only get better. But be prepared he could be back begging for a reunion very quickly so stand strong. If he starts playing all the emotional stuff be ready. Also think about how you will manage access as you don't want your little one with him under the influence of drugs. This can only get better for you. It's natural to grieve over your lost dreams but hold tight.going back would only mean more of the same crappie.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/10/2015 09:05

Crap!!

Mousqueton · 24/10/2015 09:11

Another vote for "better off without.." here.

Initially it'll be a shock to your system - but if you keep yourself around (real) friends and don't sit around over-analyzing the situation, I think you'll be counting your lucky stars in time. Keep strong and don't look back...

Squeegle · 24/10/2015 09:16

Thank God indeed, the sooner he is out the better! But yes, it is like a bereavement, it's saying goodbye to what you had hoped might have been. So say goodbye, but recognise if you can that this dream is dead, he is not good to you, and it's better if he is out.

and then you can start to have some new dreams to realise Flowers

gamerchick · 24/10/2015 09:24

Honesty stay strong and see it through. You don't realise it yet because it's your normal but you will see it once you're used to him not being there.

You owe it to your child as well as yourself. Let him go.

He may come back and say he's decided to give you another chance or that the house wasn't suitable. Don't let him.. This is your chance to find some happy.

Joysmum · 24/10/2015 09:43

He's really done a number on you Sad

Normal relationship will include disagreements and annoyances.

Normal relationship do not include one party sulking for weeks on end, trying to prevent the other person being happy in the company of friends, trying to stop them from helping people when possible, and refusing to give up drugs when they know it's affecting their relationship.

Having disagreements or being annoyed excuses none of these behaviours, even if you were in the wrong.

From this, and your previous threads, anyone looking in can see you and your kids need to be without this loser.

Your mum is right, it's vital that as a mum you don't model your relationship as normal for your kids. You all deserve better.

Of course you're grieving, but you're grieving for a sanitized version of the relationship you'd hoped you'd have for the rest of your days, not the horrible drug fueled controlling mess that has been.

AnyFucker · 24/10/2015 11:02

How are things today ?

is The Loser still being a whiny PITA ?

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