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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Looking for advice

50 replies

Fidelis1980 · 22/10/2015 22:12

I will start by saying I'm a man and have come here for women's perspective.

Been with other half 11 years and have a DD who is 7. We have sex once a week which is great. The thing is whenever I go to touch my other half down there she says it tickles and squirms around laughing. This makes me feel rubbish . I have tried to be more firm but she says it hurts. It's like she doesn't want me touching her there.

Now I don't think she is cheating. Although she has started shaving down there ( something not done for a while) any ideas on what's going on? Thanks for listening

OP posts:

K1mberly · 22/10/2015 22:29

I think what's going on is that she doesn't want you touching her there.

AnyFucker · 22/10/2015 22:31

It's rather a leap to consider she may be cheating because the way you touch her "down there" is amateur to say the least.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/10/2015 22:32

Maybe consider how it's making her feel not how it's making you feel. She obviously doesn't like it. Does she like you doing other things?

KinkyAfro · 22/10/2015 22:37

Is this a new thing OP?

Bit harsh AF

verystressedmum · 22/10/2015 22:37

Have you talked about it? Could be that she doesn't like being touched down there but also could be that you aren't doing in a way that is pleasurable for her.
I'm not saying you're rubbing or anything and not trying to be rude, but some women are sensitive down there are the slightest 'wrong' touch is enough to make it hurt for example.
Ask her if she touches herself down there and how she likes to be touched. Maybe get her to show you.

However, maybe she doesn't doesn't like it. You won't know until you ask her.

K1mberly · 22/10/2015 22:38

I'm not sure if random strangers on the Internet will be able to tell you what your partner likes in bed. Why don't you ask her ?

verystressedmum · 22/10/2015 22:38

Not rubbing...I meant rubish

AnyFucker · 22/10/2015 22:41

I think it's harsh that his first thought is that she might be cheating. How does that connection go ? I wouldn't expect it from any reasonable sort of person.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 22:45

I get thickly too at certain times of the month.

Try asking her if she'd like to try touching herself and then join in till you can take over.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 22:46

Oh ffs *this, not thickly

KinkyAfro · 22/10/2015 22:50

That's why I asked if it's a new thing, that, combined with the new shaving regime could imply something is amiss.

antimatter · 22/10/2015 22:52

Dud you ask her why she is shaving now?

Castrovalva · 22/10/2015 22:53

Oh god. Is that you dh?

It's bloody sensitive, much, much more so as I've got older and I just cba any more to pretend to enjoy ham fisted blundering around in what is a very very sensitive part of the body. I've tried explaining that it is very delicate and any attemp to touch before I'm turned on enough is exactly as pleasurable as someone fondling your eyeballs. He gets quite offended at that one but Yeah. Youd squirm too.

Sex isn't just about what you think you should be doing, it's listening to what your partner actually wants.

Castrovalva · 22/10/2015 22:57

Oh, and depending on her age, I'm finding now I'm and old fart, because there's less natural lubricant there it is definitely much more sensitive. And not necessarily in a good way. Borderline painful.

Original poster

Fidelis1980 · 22/10/2015 23:07

Ok guys I think I should have explained better. I don't think shes cheating I just found it strange she has started shaving. I have asked her about that and she said it is because we are going on holiday and shes getting it ready. (holiday in 6 months)

with the ticklish thing it only tickles at the start once its there for a few seconds its fine. Now she is very wet at this point so it cannot be she isn't turned on. giving oral to her doesn't tickle either but that may be because shes warmed up a lot before that.

She is 32 for those asking for age

OP posts:

magiccatlitter · 23/10/2015 05:44

Maybe you should just ask her if you're hurting her as I suspect you are.

My OH thinks he is being gentle down there but in reality it's like he's rummaging around under the seat for a lost coin.

I've told him this and he has a light touch a couple times and then right back to the painful groping. Are your nails trimmed and are your hands clean?

I've started trimming too but it absolutely has zero to do with anyone else. Just thought I would try something new.

Original poster

Fidelis1980 · 23/10/2015 08:10

Tried to post this last night but I think there was a prob with the site.

Nails always trimmed and hands clean.

I have asked her how she wants to be touched she just says I know how.
I have got her some sex toys but I don't think she uses them.
The ticklishness has only been in the last 18 months. Although her breast have been really ticklish for years (we think due to an accident she was in).

If I hurt her she tells me.like I say it seems to be the few moments of touch down there. This is even after lots of kissing and touching elsewhere.

I really don't think she's cheating. But it was just a shock to find things smooth down there . That's what she did when we first started having sex.I believe her it's for holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fidelis1980 · 23/10/2015 08:31

Also just a quick note sex is always planned. She always wants a shower before. I try to be spontaneous but she says she needs a shower. So we both end up in bed naked and start kissing. I would like your thoughts on this also. Why won't she let me be spontaneous . I don't mean I just start groping. I just start kissing more passionately

OP posts:

Joysmum · 23/10/2015 08:38

Again I can relate to your wife I like to shower too so I feel more confident and I prefer my DH to have just washed too.

Original poster

Fidelis1980 · 23/10/2015 09:11

I do get cleaned up. Its like Wednesday we had time , daughter was at school. I have a shower then she has a shower. Both then on the bed and start kissing. After a 20-30 minutes of kissing and touching (not lady bits yet) my hand moves slowly to that area as soon as my hand get close she tenses up and squirms and laughs. So I try a bit firmer ,same thing until it hurts her. It is like there is no middle ground (feels like I cant do anything right). After a few moments of squirming she gets used to it and enjoys it.

It is the first instance that is bad not just for me she probably feels bad about it to. I'm sorry if this comes across as me me me but I just want it to be great for her. She always orgasms through oral or intercourse its just that start bit.

Plus I wish she would let me be spontaneous after all isn't that what a lot of women went (not all that's get that clear) . I just want to spice it up abit for her . But she wont let me . Ive asked a few times what can I do different and she just says I'm perfect (this seems like she doesn't want to hurt my feelings but I just want her to be honest)

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 23/10/2015 10:13

I really don't see a problem here...

MatrixReloaded · 23/10/2015 14:05

I'd be very concerned if my husband suddenly started shaving his balls and I wouldn't really buy the six month preparation for a holiday story I'm afraid.

It sounds like she doesn't want you intimately touching her. How long has it been like this ?

LoveAndHate · 23/10/2015 15:46

You sound perfectly sensitive and selfless to me, OP. She's fortunate that you even give a shot as many men do not. The clitoris is so, so sensitive - unbearable if mauled like putty before we're lubricated - so perhaps just hold off until other aspects of foreplay have been established.

I have to say I would find it relentlessly tiresome if my husband insisted upon showering every time I initiated sex. You can't beat that feeling that your partner simply cannot wait a minute later to be inside you

Original poster

Fidelis1980 · 23/10/2015 23:09

The thing is Matrixreloaded she has always kept her pubes neat , its just abit shorter now. It is not just the holiday she says she likes to trim it more just before her period (I don't know why)

The ticklish thing only seems to be when I first go for it as soon as I have started touching her it stops and she enjoys it. It is just getting my fingers there that is annoying (probably for both of us)

If she didn't want me touching her intimately she wouldn't let me go down on her. Which if I don't go down she always asks for it unless she is on.

Matrix from your post you sound as if you think she is cheating

OP posts:

Dungandbother · 23/10/2015 23:25

How long have you been together?

I get trimming pubes for period, they are annoying at the best of times but tangled in a tampon string is the worst.

BUT
Is she paying a lot more attention to her lady garden than she ever did before? What about her legs, hairstyle, make up, clothes?

I also believe that when something dishonest is going on, even though they still want sex with you, they are fussy, lacking in care and more demanding to hit the right spot and get it done.... Whereas before there would be giggles, hugs, love and awe over each other.

What else has changed?

I smell cheating too. Sorry.

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