Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband pretended to sleep with a prostitute, such a weird situation!

53 replies

ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 20:11

Am I just incredibly stupid to believe this? DH went to Amsterdam around 4 years ago with 3 other friends, I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me and believed him at the time that he didn't partake in any prostitution activities.

For background briefly - 3 years before he went, he and I separated for a while and during that time I met someone else, I was upfront and told DH about him and wanted us to split permanently. However, things didn't work out and after 6 months or so DH and I tried again as I realised I still loved him.

A month ago one of the guys from the Amsterdam trip was at our house, we were having a few drinks as I had a friend round too. They were chatting in the kitchen and I stopped near the door to read a text I'd got. I heard something about Amsterdam and listened for a few minutes...they didn't know I was outside. DH was bragging about 'fucking her but couldn't do it properly as they only let you have 20 minutes or so'. He was saying what a waste of money it was. It was clear that they were laughing and joking about it and 'reminiscing' about that trip and I gathered that they all slept with a prostitute while there Angry

I confronted him straight away, told him what I'd heard. He laughed nervously, didn't deny it, said they used a condom, it was no big deal etc. We talked for a while about it and he said if I hadn't had my 'affair' years before then it would never have happened and it was a 'revenge fuck'.

It was a deal breaker for me, I told him it was over that night and he moved out 3 days later. It's been a few weeks and we got together the other day to chat as he said he needed to explain. He basically said that it didn't happen - that it was all bravado in front of his mates, especially his best friend (who was here when I heard them) who he wanted to 'impress'. He said he'd thought about it, that night, but didn't go through with it as he couldn't do that to me. But the next day he told his best friend that he had as he wanted to sound like 'the man'.

He has begged me to believe him, has said if I want he will admit to his friend it was a lie. I have to say, the thought of him doing that shocked me as it's just not in his nature but then I know enough from reading on here that anyone can surprise you..

Does anyone think it's plausible? Or pure bullshit?!

OP posts:
alicemalice · 22/10/2015 20:15

Either way, he sounds about 12 years old. Are you sure you want him back?

fuzzywuzzy · 22/10/2015 20:16

You know your DP best.

His attitude towards women stinks tho, bragging about having sex with a prostitute.

Has he had an sti check between the break up with you, and getting back together again?

Depends on whether you both can move past this and put it behind you.

The relationship sounds very unhealthy anyway 'revenge fuck' really?

Naoko · 22/10/2015 20:18

Honestly, if it were me I'd not give a fuck if it were true or not, after something like that I'd not forgive him.

unicorn501 · 22/10/2015 20:19

I wouldn't believe him, sorry. And even if what he says is true, he's still a twat.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 20:19

It's pure bullshit. It took him ages to think that up, didn't it?

Let's face it, if he'd been lying, he would have avoided the situation with his friends recently, wouldn't he? He would have been more likely to mutter something like "waste of money" than to be sitting there bragging about it.

He's a liar; a liar who has had sex with a prostitute. Looks like your initial idea of dumping him was right.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/10/2015 20:24

It's crap.

The not doing it properly in twenty minutes bit was bravado, of course.

But if he hadn't done it, he'd have told you that instead of telling you it was a "revenge fuck". He wouldn't have placated you by telling you he'd used a condom.

You didn't accept his crap excuse and he had to leave, and now he's living elsewhere, he's told his friends that you've kicked him out over the prostitute and they've told him he should deny the whole thing. It's given him a stupid idea that he might be able to change your mind.

Of course he'll tell his friends it was a lie, they are in on this...

Nobody justifies what they didn't do. Nobody who isn't having an affair says that they used a condom, or that it was a revenge fuck - nobody makes excuses for what they didn't do, they defend themselves.

It's up to you if you get back together or not, knowing what you do, but he sounds like he has some horrendous friends, a horrific attitude to women and a particular resentment for you that will ensure anything he does wrong is justified as being a revenge move in his head.

Gabilan · 22/10/2015 20:27

Whether he had sex with her or not, he's referring to a human being as if she's meat, to boast to his friends. I couldn't stand to be near him.

Enoughalreadyyou · 22/10/2015 20:30

Of course he's lying. That's exactly what my dh said. I used a condom he said. He also said it was revenge. Are you sure he isn't doing it all the time? Check bank accounts etc. He sounds seriously screwed up and is blaming you.

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 20:31

I think these replies so far have been enough to convince me. Thank you all.

He hasn't had an STI check no, I asked but at the time he said no need due to condom. I agree that it's immature and disrespectful, he agreed too. Tbh he rarely sees the other friends, they are more aquaintences but the one who was here the other night is his best mate and he seems to look up to him.

Either way it is nasty - either he had sex with another woman, a woman he used purely for sex which is disrespectful to women in itself.

Or the alternative is he didn't but allowed me to believe he did, seeing me crying and devastated.

I asked him the other day why he let me believe it - he said he wanted me to feel the pain he felt when he knew I'd been with another man years ago.

Agh..I feel stupid, my gut instinct is screaming at me that this is abusive behaviour, or is that OTT?

Am so confused and don't know what to think, but I know I need space for definite.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/10/2015 20:34

It's bollocks, absolutely bollocks.

He should have got an STI check even if he did use a condom, because things like warts can be passed on when using a condom.

He's a dick. He slept with a prostitute, lied to you for ages, bragged so loudly that you overheard, blamed you, then tried to backtrack (and still blame you). If he had done it, it would still have been your fault... He's justifying it is his head.

Is he still living elsewhere? Stop all communications for a while and let your brain process this.

Lacoba66 · 22/10/2015 20:35

It may well be true that he "couldn't get it up" in 20 minutes, but he had a bloody good try OP!

As for the "I'll tell my mate in front of you that it was bravado" - brilliant idea, but make sure it's also in front of his mates partner/wife and then see what he says!

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 22/10/2015 20:38

Absolute bullshit from an absolute dick. Ditch him.

timelytess · 22/10/2015 20:38

Its abusive to the prostitute and disrespectful to women, certainly.
Its insulting and disrespectful to you personally. It shows he didn't/doesn't care about your health and well-being and didn't value you enough to be faithful to you. If he pretended to use a prostitute, and let you cry for his own satisfaction, he's twisted and abusive. If he pretended to look big to his friends, he's weak.

Get STI checked and get rid of him. He's not worth the risk to your health.

SimLondon · 22/10/2015 20:39

"It's crap.

The not doing it properly in twenty minutes bit was bravado, of course. "

yup thats the bottom line

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 20:40

Sorry Enoughalreadyyou, its horrible isn't it? :( hope youre ok.

I agree he's justifying it in his head, he didn't once say "I'm sorry" on that night. Just excuses.

Yes he's with his brother atm, I've asked him to stay there for a while as I don't feel emotionally 'safe' around him, just confused.

Ha Lacoba, fab idea! I don't think his wife would be too impressed!... I was actually disgusted listening to the conversation, it goes against everything I feel as a human being.

Not saying I'm perfect, far from it, but DH's attitude was very grim that night, maybe alcohol related as he did drink a fair bit.

OP posts:
EstellaHavisham · 22/10/2015 20:42

Bin him off, he sounds like a disgrace.

Also the laughing and bragging in the kitchen. Doesn't sound like something that was a one-off. His friends at least clearly have form for using women as a wank-sock and any man who thought women were a purchasable commodity for their pleasure would not be welcome in my house.

diddl · 22/10/2015 20:51

Well, on top of everything else -this is bloody horrible as well- " he said he wanted me to feel the pain he felt when he knew I'd been with another man years ago."

LewdJaw · 22/10/2015 20:52

What? But you didn't have an affair, did you? You'd split up. So the 'revenge' thing is nonsense, he has no right to blame you. To be fair, even if you had shagged someone else, it's still not your fault if he used a prostitute.

FWIW it sounds like he tried but struggled to have sex with her due to drink or drugs (does he have disfunction problems when drinking?). But he did at least try.

How he's reacted to the situation is really shit - laughing about it with his friend behind your back, lying about it, blaming you, changing his story every 5 minutes. Whatever happened, he sounds like a complete loser.

Phoenix69 · 22/10/2015 20:53

I think you know it's bullshit without asking.

Better people out there. You don't need a disrespectful person in your life do you?

PacificMouse · 22/10/2015 21:01

The issue there is that, even though he had not slept with a prostitute, he thought that it was OK to do as a 'revenge'.

I wouldn't be happy to stay with someone who still wants revenge for something that has happened 3 years ago (and thats wo going into whthere it was or wasn't an affair. I can understand that he would be really hurt if you had move on that quickly).

I don't think I would be happy either with someone who thinks it's necessary to impress his mates that way, brag about it and lie to your DW, regardless of the hurt, just to imppress said friend.
I mean, does he not have self esteem at all? And any regards for the wellbeing of his DW???

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:03

I didn't have an affair, no. We were separated and meant to be living as though single, but he didn't want us to part for good. He was very upset by my new relationship at the time and in his eyes I cheated. We've argued over that too a few times.

Just to clarify as I don't think I made sense in the OP - he was saying 20 minutes isn't enough time to finish I think, and that he could have gone all night...just typing that makes me feel sick :(

In my head I know what is right for me, and honestly, reading it in black and white like this has made me think clearer so thanks everyone. I just want to be single I think, at least for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:05

Pacificmouse exactly, its the attitudes behind it that are horrible. No, he had no regard for me when I 'found out', it seems as though he got off on my pain.

OP posts:
SueDeNimes · 22/10/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:08

This is what he is saying he's done SueDeNimes, and why a small part of me is doubting myself and wondering if theres a grain of truth.

WHat's confusing me is that on the night I overheard him and afterwards, he didn't seem like himself, the way he was talking it just sounded so unbelievable and I couldn't get my head around it. But when he said he'd made it all up and went into the details of why, he sounded much more like the man I know and am married to.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 21:09

He was talking to his friends, not to the OP, Sue.