Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband pretended to sleep with a prostitute, such a weird situation!

53 replies

ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 20:11

Am I just incredibly stupid to believe this? DH went to Amsterdam around 4 years ago with 3 other friends, I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me and believed him at the time that he didn't partake in any prostitution activities.

For background briefly - 3 years before he went, he and I separated for a while and during that time I met someone else, I was upfront and told DH about him and wanted us to split permanently. However, things didn't work out and after 6 months or so DH and I tried again as I realised I still loved him.

A month ago one of the guys from the Amsterdam trip was at our house, we were having a few drinks as I had a friend round too. They were chatting in the kitchen and I stopped near the door to read a text I'd got. I heard something about Amsterdam and listened for a few minutes...they didn't know I was outside. DH was bragging about 'fucking her but couldn't do it properly as they only let you have 20 minutes or so'. He was saying what a waste of money it was. It was clear that they were laughing and joking about it and 'reminiscing' about that trip and I gathered that they all slept with a prostitute while there Angry

I confronted him straight away, told him what I'd heard. He laughed nervously, didn't deny it, said they used a condom, it was no big deal etc. We talked for a while about it and he said if I hadn't had my 'affair' years before then it would never have happened and it was a 'revenge fuck'.

It was a deal breaker for me, I told him it was over that night and he moved out 3 days later. It's been a few weeks and we got together the other day to chat as he said he needed to explain. He basically said that it didn't happen - that it was all bravado in front of his mates, especially his best friend (who was here when I heard them) who he wanted to 'impress'. He said he'd thought about it, that night, but didn't go through with it as he couldn't do that to me. But the next day he told his best friend that he had as he wanted to sound like 'the man'.

He has begged me to believe him, has said if I want he will admit to his friend it was a lie. I have to say, the thought of him doing that shocked me as it's just not in his nature but then I know enough from reading on here that anyone can surprise you..

Does anyone think it's plausible? Or pure bullshit?!

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 22/10/2015 21:09

I don't think it sounds like he tried but couldn't. I think it sounds like he did, admitted it, got a bit nasty, got kicked out and then went to his mates who said 'why the fuck didn't you deny it, you idiot?' Then realised his schoolboy error and came back to deny it.
Or he didn't have sex with her for whatever reason and really wanted to hurt you. That doesn't really tie in with the initial insisting he wore protection though.
Either way, do you want to be with a man who did either of those things?
Tell him you'll be telling the wives/ girlfriends of everyone else involved who are still together what went on, that'll put the wind up him and his braggy mates!

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:12

I've already said I will do that! (Tell the other partners) I only actually know one of them and she'd be devastated so in hindsight will keep out, but I did want to let them know at the time.

And no, I don't want to be with someone who did either of those things :( I just feel emotionally drained.

OP posts:
LewdJaw · 22/10/2015 21:13

It just seems like for him, being faithful is just something you have to do, not him. He'll shag someone else if he thinks he'll get away with it - and then blame you (or someone else - friends for pressuring him, etc). This time it was 'revenge' for something you didn't even do wrong! Next time it'll be 'you weren't paying me enough attention' or 'she came onto me'.

alphabook · 22/10/2015 21:16

Either he cheated on you, or he's incredibly immature bragging to his mates about having sex with a prostitute, and incredibly manipulative and spiteful to try to punish you for something that happened 3 years ago when you weren't even properly together. Neither is a great option.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 21:16

Was the trip to Amsterdam a stag do, OP?

Thisismyfirsttime · 22/10/2015 21:19

Oh, I don't mean really tell them. But tell him you are going to. He'll have to tell his friends so they know and will have their stories ready about how THEY were the ones who didn't do it while everyone else did but they'll all be shitting themselves a bit waiting to see if it comes....
But if I were one of the other women I'd want to know. It's your cal though.

Lacoba66 · 22/10/2015 21:26

My EX (aka sad specimen of a human being Grin) 'accidently' called me on his visit to a prostitute. This ran through to a 4 minute voicemail of him with the prostitute!

But as per the script, he didn't actually do anything, he bottled it, he left not long after the 4 minute voicemail (very convenient Wink for him).

All total and utter shite.

If I'm honest, if you take the sexual betrayal as a stand alone issue out of the equation, my personal struggle was more to do with his sense of entitlement. To think it was okay to pay for another persons body in such an intimate way, but have no conscience about him as to what had led her to that way of life?

I lost ALL respect for him (let alone the trust issues).

I could have almost understood a one night stand (wouldn't have forgiven that either) but the bad taste that I was left with, because of his way of betrayal, could never go away for me.

OP, I have never said LTB on this board, as I prefer to think that if you get enough balanced views and are able to take time to digest information, then you will make your own choice- we are all just sounding boards really.

Flowers. X

P.s his reaction so far though, still suggests that he is a cunt Wink.

VocationalGoat · 22/10/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 22/10/2015 21:35

excellent posts from Anchor
what a scumbag he is. IMO, it's actually worse to lie about sleeping with someone else when you haven't, to hurt someone and get 'revenge', than it is to actually do it if you then admit it, and are thoroughly ashamed and contrite and determined to win back the trust.
Bottom line - he does not respect you. It's all about him , whether he didn't or did, he still feels justified in blaming you. Nice. I could not be with a man like that.
Sorry OP.

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:43

It wasn't a stag do imperial, they were all going and DH's best mate invited him along when someone else dropped out. He was thrilled as has always wanted to go. In fact, we wanted to go together when we first met!

No I wouldn't tell the guys partners, maybe I should though, would anyone here do that?

Omg lacoba what a shit! Cant believe it was on a voicemail! Also can't believe he tried to deny it even with proof. I've read so many situations on here where I might think LTB, but I know what you mean, its very different when you're in the situation yourself.

I think what's hurting the most, as others have said is the blaming for it. If he did it then its my fault for sleeping with another man, if he lied about it then ditto. Either way, he blames me for his actions. Makes me so angry and feel so sick all at the same time.

Thanks everyone for support Flowers

OP posts:
alicemalice · 22/10/2015 21:45

Out of interest, how come you split up the first time? Was he being an arse back then?

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 21:52

alice he was indeed being an arse, he was emotionally abusive to me. I left as had enough of being controlled by him, had therapy, went to women's aid and thought I'd become much more assertive. I'm sure people think I am stupid for going back to him Sad i regret that I did go back as it's led to more hurt after he promised he'd changed. I'm embarrassed by my silly decisions.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 21:54

I would tell the other women (if they ask) that you've split up because he went with a prostitute in Amsterdam. That doesn't mean their husbands have, though they might want to question them.

Lacoba66 · 22/10/2015 21:58

Erring there will always be the 'blaming you' for their actions.

  1. It's a guilt trip (gas lighting to a minorish? degree)
  2. They don't want to admit to their own faults (so much easier to blame you, than take responsibility for their own actions- you did not make him do this!)

Re, your question about would you mention it to any of the other guys partners? No, not off your own back, but if he was serious about his wanting to admit it was just 'bravado' then yes I would insist.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 22/10/2015 22:01

Have you got kids together? If not there is absolutely zero to keep you there or even bother trying. He is lying.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 22/10/2015 22:01

But if he hadn't done it, he'd have told you that instead of telling you it was a "revenge fuck". He wouldn't have placated you by telling you he'd used a condom.

You didn't accept his crap excuse and he had to leave, and now he's living elsewhere, he's told his friends that you've kicked him out over the prostitute and they've told him he should deny the whole thing. It's given him a stupid idea that he might be able to change your mind.

This

and

I don't think it sounds like he tried but couldn't. I think it sounds like he did, admitted it, got a bit nasty, got kicked out and then went to his mates who said 'why the fuck didn't you deny it, you idiot?' Then realised his schoolboy error and came back to deny it.

this.

He must think you're a fucking moron to believe you'd buy him switching tactic (from 'I used a condom and it was revenge because you cheated on me!' to 'What? I didn't do it at all, don't be daft!') so openly.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 22/10/2015 22:05

If he did it then its my fault for sleeping with another man, if he lied about it then ditto. Either way, he blames me for his actions. Makes me so angry and feel so sick all at the same time.

Don't feel too sick. He doesn't actually blame you - you know, in his head. At least not yet, I shouldn't think. He might eventually convince himself of the truth of that. But right now it's just a bog standard deflection tactic.

If you have to address it at all, cut him off, point out that you did not cheat on him and he has nothing to accuse you of, and that he's just attempting to deflect the attention from what he's done. But ideally just tell him he's a lying cunt, end the conversation there and LTB.

Oh and tbh I don't know why you're against telling the other twats' partners. They have a right to know, presumably. Especially if they need to be getting STI tests.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 22/10/2015 22:05

As mumsnet always says, if someone tells you who they are, LISTEN TO THEM!

He sounds awful and you sound lovely. Onwards and upwards for you xx

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 22/10/2015 22:07

Also it's not a court of law and you don't have to prove his actions. He TOLD you he cheated on you with a prostitute. And all the other mind fuckery around it is completely irrelevant

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 22:16

I don't want to say about kids, as I'm worried sick about outing myself - no one in RL knows about all this, they think we've just split up due to arguing. Hope that makes sense, just would rather people didn't hear about it from online so trying not to identify myself.

Thanks for the advice about telling the other partners, I will think about it.

I'm so annoyed as I got back with him after doing a lot of work on myself and then found out he'd betrayed me. When I asked him to leave I felt proud I had that strength but now feel he's manipulated his way back in.

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 22/10/2015 22:17

erring please DO NOT see yourself as stupid. I've been there and got multiple T-shirts!

If you are a caring person and you chose to trust someone, then that is a human thing to do.

Yes, you (and I Wink) both need to work on 'self esteem' issues, but don't forget that some people will always be manipulative twats, and we just need to 'hone' in this much faster!!

Take as much time as you need, without his input?

Mom2K · 22/10/2015 22:22

Even if he didn't actually sleep with the prostitute (let me just clarify here - I don't believe him. He already admitted to doing it and then backtracked after he had time to come up with a lie) - I don't think I could forgive him for the following reasons:

You stated that the separation where you met someone else happened 3 years before this trip to Amsterdam where he may, or may not have slept with a prostitute.

A) You were not together when you met someone else - you were separated for several months, so this information is really not relevant, and is a really crappy excuse reason to want to hurt you.

B) You reconciled and then had 3 years of marriage before he decided to have sex with a prostitute. There was no way it was revenge sex (I'd be a little more inclined to accept that if he slept with someone immediately after findng out about your temporary relationship...but he didn't. This was 3 years later after you were both fully committed to being together and not on a break).

He slept with her. And if he didn't, he's an insensitive bastard. I would definitely LTB in your shoes.

Mom2K · 22/10/2015 22:25

I should just clarify that I would never accept revenge sex...just that I would be more inclined to believe that reason if it had happened immediately after finding out about your relationship.

Even in that scenario I'd not forgive him for it. It's disgusting.

SanityClause · 22/10/2015 22:33

It just sounds too much like hard work.

Either he slept with a prostiute, or he pretended to, to make you feel bad.

Either way, pretty crap.

Original poster
ErringOnTheSideOfCaution101 · 22/10/2015 22:44

Thanks for the lovely replies, they are helping me see clearer. Sorry if I miss out replying to anyone, am just feeling a bit low and head hurts a bit. But I'm feeling like I've got clarity.

I recognise that the way he treated me years ago was abusive, and I sense signs of it now. The manipulation, the playing to my compassionate, the victim blaming plus him playing a victim himself.

And it is too much hard work, I've been there before with him and went through pain to recover and become more aware...I can't do it all again! I'm weary, not in the best health and exhausted.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread