Strategies for coping without sexual intimacy in a marriage

[usuallyconfused]

Hi,

I am in a marriage with no sexual intimacy, although we are very close and moderately affectionate towards each other. For various reasons my wife is not able to entertain sexual intimacy (sex of any flavour, intimate touching or passionate kissing) in our relationship. I on the other hand find sex and physical intimacy to be important, both generally, and to our relationship, and very much struggle without. We went through Relate some time ago to improve things, with some temporary improvement, but ultimately without a positive lasting result. Our sexual intimacy issues have been going on for around 10 years, and we are now in our late thirties. Things came to an unfortunate head recently because I reached the end of my tether and finally "gave up" on things ever improving, and it is fair to say that something needs to change in our relationship. We are both willing to fight to save our marriage, but I can only see three possibilities:

(1) We have another go at reviving our sex life, and it succeeds;
(2) We separate; or
(3) We investigate a coping strategy (basically for me) for a marriage without sex and physical intimacy.

Frankly, option (1) is unlikely to work, since we have tried it all before, although we have not entirely given up just yet. Option (2) is not desirable because (a) our marriage and life together is fantastic in all other ways, and (b) we have three fairly young children, and our family unit is important to us.

We are shortly to be attending Relate again, to talk about what all this means for our relationship, and how to move forwards, but before we do so I just wanted to canvas some opinion on the third of these options, which neither of us had given real consideration to before. In particular, I want to try to fully understand whether anyone else has taken an active decision to basically "give up" on sex and intimacy in the interests of preserving their marriage, whether they were able to make it work, and if so HOW! :-)

I'm not saying that we'll never touch each other again and sleep in separate rooms - simply that we would both give up on trying to sort out our sex lives, and focus only on connecting in ways she is comfortable with - generally non-physical, but she is perfectly happy with the occasional hug, a massage, and sitting together on the sofa. If by some freak of romantic coincidence something sparks off between us without trying, then great - but we wouldn't be hunting for it.

Please could posts be directed if possible to this issue, rather than on my other two options - which I have already explored in substantial detail!

Please could posts also not be directed to suggesting open relationships, secret affairs, or the use of sex workers!

Also, not keen on chemical castration (!), although I wouldn't necessarily discount natural remedies or dietary suggestions which may diminish male sex drive, since this might be of some help.

From the reading I have done so far, the conventional wisdom seems to be that a sexless marriage can work just fine if neither person is that bothered about sex, but is a tricky beast indeed if one party does want it, which is certainly the case for me. Having given it some thought, I think the two things I find most difficult are firstly the absence of sexual intimacy in my life at all, and secondly the difficulty in fully connecting emotionally with my wife without sex (she doesn't really experience this - she feels comfortably close to me without, so this problem only applies in one direction).

I think perhaps what I am most interested in is whether by way of mental attitude, coping strategies and lifestyle it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life in my situation.

One final point - the solution should not just be a stop-gap until our children grow up and leave home, since my wife has said she would rather the relationship failed now so she can plan the rest of her life before she hits 40 rather than when she is nearly 50! I guess what this means is that the advice "just focus on the children" for the next 10 years will not work!

Thanks!

Hi Lweji,

Some good points.

There is likely a combination of causes for her lack of sex drive - low base libido, some physical discomfort during penetrative sex, possible sexuality issues, anti-depressants and so on. Difficult to pin down exactly.

It is possible, as you (and others) have noted, that she just doesn't desire me, although she claims she has no sexual interest in anyone else either. Nonetheless, it is of course possible that she might get "switched back on" by someone else in the future, and equally the lack of sex will certainly make me more vulnerable to falling for someone else that I would otherwise be.

In terms of my children, it would not be so much that I stayed for the sake of my children - if I were to stay it has to be because I WANT to, but part of that WANTING to would be because (1) I love the time I spend with my family as a whole (and I include my wife in that, not just the children), and (2) I do still love spending (non-sexual) time with my wife as well. We have a life-long list of amazing plans to do together - as a family for the next 10 years, and just the two of us after that (although I am worried that without the children as a welcome distraction that my issues would become even more prominent).

I agree that my children would probably be upset if in a few years time I told them that I had only stuck around for their sake - but that wouldn't be the case - it would be for MY sake because I wanted to be with them.

Hi ginags,

My natural inclination is to think in the way you say. But another part of me wonders whether "true love" - embodied by a relationship which is both emotionally and physically fulfilling is a fair thing to compare against what I have now.

Certainly from looking at the posts on here, many marriages (and other relationships) have all kinds of different issues - some are great physically but poor emotionally, others are vice versa, and some are just "ok" on both scores. I guess my original question could be decomposed into two parts: (1) can I do anything to make myself happier in my relationship with my wife, and (2) once I've done this, is it then going to be good enough, or will I/we still be happier (in all likelihood) with other people than each other?

Sex is only part of the happiness equation (although admittedly an important part, for me), and my life with my wife and kids scores pretty highly in most other areas!

I remember once reading a post by a bloke in your shoes - he tackled it by excercising. A lot.

Basically he focused all his extra energy in the gym, he went most days. He was in the best shape of his life. However he was posting cos it wasn't working any more. He was finding that he was becoming snappier and more impatient with his wife and he hated that. He was also finding that despite his body, he had never felt less atractive, and his confidence was dwindling to zero. Meanwhile his wife was pretty contented in her life. All she wanted from a marriage was a best friend, and she had that. So she was set.

The general advice to him was that the marriage was starting to clearly destroy his mental and emotional equilibrium, and he should leave. I hope he did.

Exactly what does your wife expect from you? I mean, in regards to your libido? Does she expect you to ignore it? Does she actually know how difficult this is for you or do you minimise it a lot?

Hi Annarose,

Thanks for sharing that story. To be honest I'm pretty flat out anyway with running my own business full time (and then some!), looking after the children 2 days a week (my wife works 2 days per week), helping to look after the house, and generally trying to be a hands-on Dad. Weekends are taken up with family days out and activities. So, I don't think the other bloke's methodology would work for me, because I don't have the time!

My wife does feel bad about the whole situation. She wishes she did feel sexual desire, but just doesn't - at least not very often - maybe once every year or two! She doesn't expect me to ignore my libido, and has worked incredibly hard to remove every possible obstacle to feeling sexual desire towards me. Unfortunately, nothing has worked. She does know how hard it is for me - I'm not very good at hiding things - and she's been worried for years that the situation will drive me away.

From her point of view, she would like (for her own benefit, as well as mine) to be able to have a sexual relationship, but I think that she can get along without it, and could probably be happy to do so if I can cope without.

I do genuinely believe she loves me (although it can be hard to feel it at times without sexual intimacy), and a few days ago she asked me if we could promise to stay together anyway, no matter what happens. I refused to make that promise - but did promise to do everything in my power to make things work.

Well you were right to refuse, cos that was an unfair request. "no matter what happens" = "if you never have sexual intimacy again for the rest of your life"

Have you thought about that? That the last time you had sex will most likely be The Last Time. As in, thats it? No more sex for the rest of your life?

Your wife, to put it bluntly, has finished her part. She has sought help, it hasn't worked, so the shop is shut. There are no consequences for this - her life remains unchanged. There is zero reason for her ever to have sex again. Lets face it, even in the unlikely event she felt a slight stirring every couple of years, why would she tell you, and open Pandoras Box? If I were her, I'd just ignore it - safe in the knowledge that tomorrow it'd have evaporated anyway.

You have to decide what kind of man you want to be for the rest of your life - an completely asexual one, or not.

It doesn't make sense that she says "since my wife has said she would rather the relationship failed now so she can plan the rest of her life before she hits 40 rather than when she is nearly 50" if she doesn't think that she would have another romantic and sexual relationship. What else could she mean by "planning the rest of her life"?

Hi Annarose,

To be fair to my wife, it's not her who has given up on the idea of ever having sex in our marriage - it is me (although she has stuck her head in the sand and largely ignored the problem for the last 6 to 9 months), so I think her request was made in the context of her trying to be sexually intimate in the future.

And my refusal of that request was made on the basis that I am now rather doubtful that we will ever have any real, lasting, improvement in that area! And on the basis that perhaps it is more painful (to both of us) to keep on trying and failing, than not to try at all.

Nonetheless, your first, second and final sentences sum the situation up very nicely!

Hi Imperial,

That's a good question, which I hadn't thought of - I'll ask her that one at our Relate session! ;-)

Look, I know what its like to have plans as a family - we'll do this, and this and this and it'll all be amazing.

And I can appreciate that when you get on really well and everything else is motoring along as it should, then you feel like you're silly even considering making this one thing a dealbreaker.

But its like the boiling frog, isn't it? The temperature is turned up so gradually that the frog doesn't even realise its in trouble. And then its too late to get out and terrible things happen.

We've had threads on here from people who were probably just like you at this stage - so reasonable, trying to find a compromise, trying to sublimate their own desires, won't hear a bad word about their poor, poor spouse......but by the time they finally post its years down the road and they're screaming with frustration and resentment. Eventually even the hugging and the cuddling ebbed away and they've been getting less affection than the local priest for years. And the atmosphere starts getting very very bad at home.

I just think you're grossly underestimating how this would affect anyone for decades on end. It'll really do a number on you.

If your wife is unable or unwilling to have sex with you, have you asked her how she would feel if you found it elsewhere on an NSA basis, as long as you promised to stay with her.

Personally I couldn't bear the thought of being in a marriage for the rest of my life where I would never have sex again. It's a natural part of life which for most of us, needs expressing.

Since you have 3 DCs, obviously at one point your wife did want sex so what changed? Is she just knackered or just had sex in order to have kids?

You come across as a good man in your posts who is desperately trying to do the right thing and I do feel for you. I know for me, in a relationship, the sexual desire has died when my feelings have. Does she still love you?

Why is an open relationship or a sex worker (an independent professional, obviously, not some poor desperate street worker) not on the table?

You've already had an affair, right? So I'm guessing you couldn't deal with the guilt, so you've taken that off the table. Fine.

If your wife doesn't find sex interesting or important, I can't see why she wouldn't agree to you getting your very human and ordinary needs met elsewhere.

As to seeking to effectively chemically castrate yourself rather than split...! Are you serious? If your wife turned round and finally admitted she was gay, would you consider having a sex change?

OP, did you end the affair or is it still ongoing?

You said you were going to tell your wife about it - what was her reaction?

Do you not think you are continuing to minimise? You say that if you sublimated your desires everything would be better - but sorry, but thats bollocks. There's more going on that that.

Your wife secretly went off and had a lesbian erotic massage and has never told you. You have had an affair as recently as the end of September. Its all a mess. This isn't how a marriage is supposed to be!

You say its down to a mixture of things. No, not really - she found it thrilling to snog a woman whilst on a trip but barely gives you a cats-bum peck.

She's gay. She's admitting to being bisexual but please. If Salma Hayek stripped in front of her, would she still have zero libido?

OP

You have Private Messaged me to tell me not to post on your thread as you don't like what I am saying.

Kindly do not Private Message me again. Thank you

Well then I'm bowing out too cos screw that. Best of luck OP.

Ah, just seen the background on the other thread...
It's a bit more than you offered on your OP, and possibly not quite accurate...

OP, I'm two, perhaps two and a half years down the road from you. A few years of dwindling sex life, lessening affection, and no intimacy at all now for perhaps two and a half, maybe , three years or more? (yes, I've forgotten when my wife and I last has sex).
I have no idea how you'll cope, because right now, I'm struggling. Like Annarose has said, that understanding, making the best of things only goes so far. I do, on occasion, truly resent my wife. Which is incredibly sad, because I'm still in love.
I cannot advise on coping strategies, for I believe mine are not working anymore. I have made, and subsequently cancelled, appointments with escorts in a couple of occasions.
I find the depths I'm slipping to alternately disgunsting and loathsome, to truly, gut wrenchingly, depressing.
Someone said exercise. Well, I have a fitness type hobby that I'm sinking more and more time in, as well as other interests. But they don't serve to quell and desires for intimacy - just give me an excuse to be away from my wife.

Genuine question. If you and your wife are very willing to work very hard at maintaining the relationship one way or another, and you have sexual needs, then regardless of her own needs she could certainly 'give you a hand' with your needs (or even a mouth, on special occasions!).

My wife likes having her toes massaged when we watch a movie. I don't particularly enjoy this, and I don't have a desire for her to return the favour, but I do it anyway, because I love her and because she wants me to.

Sorry if I've missed it but I can't find anything in your posts explaining why something along these lines is not an available option?

(PS. Crazy alternative suggestion if you're really willing to try anything and (did I read correctly the problem might be that she's bisexual?) - have you considered a sex change? ;))

Why don't you try swinging if your wife likes women? Lots of bi women do that so you could both get your needs met that way...?

Why don't you try swinging if your wife likes women
Swinging?
You mean a threesome?

Although, if she is not bothered, and you do want a sexual life, would she agree for you to seek other sexual partners?

Pocketsaviour/Annarose - Yes, the "unfortunate head" that I referred to originally was indeed a brief affair, which I ended and confessed to my wife.

She was sad it happened, and disappointed in me - but not particularly angry because in her own words she feels she "drove me to it". I don't agree there - it was my own choice to do so, albeit one borne of desperation - but in any case, she still wants to try to make things work, as do I.

DH2R - my wife and I talked about the open marriage thing, but I felt it would only serve to drive us apart ultimately - since it is highly unlikely I could maintain a sexual relationship with someone without it ending up being something more than that.

Blodss - sorry for PMing you, but you asked a question in your post which at the time I preferred to answer privately, since I felt that issue was a distraction from the original purpose of the post, which as I hope is coming across here, I badly want advice on.

Sorry - my comment above addressed to DH2R was actually intended for other posters.

A threesome is one options. In lots of swinging couples the woman is bi, you could meet people through the internet or go to a club. Most people there are very friendly and they come from all walks of life.

Since the OP has already had an affair and his wife had a lesbian erotic massage, seems like they'll have to come up with an unconventional solution to save their marriage...

No, no! We're not going down that road!

Any extra-marital sexual relationship at all is out. Obviously we have both briefly sojourned on that road in the past, but we've agreed we will NOT be doing that again.

My wife just doesn't have enough sexual interest in anyone to want to participate in a threesome. The erotic massage was allegedly a bit of a "meh" experience for her (I saw a private email about it she sent to one of her friends) which actually made her think perhaps she doesn't fancy women after all, and while I think she is probably bisexual in theory, and perhaps with a leaning towards women rather than men, in practice she doesn't really want to go and have sex with anyone. Some might say I'm fooling myself over this, or even that she is fooling herself, but it does seem to fit the evidence.

What was your sexual relationship like in the beginning ? What happened ten years ago ?