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Original poster

Has anyone split and got back together successfully?

35 replies

GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 12:40

Broke up 2 weeks ago, he initiated it. Said he'd been feeling low for a few weeks and just not 'feeling us'. We'd been going out a few years and this was a massive unexpected blow to me.

The last 2 weeks have been awful if I'm honest, I've missed him so much. Last week he started texting saying he was miserable without me and that he missed me and was wondering if he made a mistake.

He came round last night to get his stuff and it was hard Sad. I was friendly but impartial but then he started crying and saying how difficult it was etc. It was all very emotional and I'm not really sure how things have been left. I think there's a possibility that we could get back together but we'd need a long discussion first. I'm not even sure I could get back with him because I'd always be wondering when I was next getting dumped.

So my question is, has anyone else gone through this? Did you get back together and have a successful relationship that was the same/ better than before? Someone at work is telling me this is essential for the 'relationship to deepen and go to the next level' but I think she might be talking out her arse slightly Hmm.

Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 22/10/2015 12:45

You will spend a lot of time rebuilding trust, thinking about why he finished with you, not feeling good enough.

Alternatively it could make you stronger.

I suggest you have a good chat first and take things slow.

When this happened to me I couldn't trust DP with my feelings for a long time, we are still together now but things were never quite the same

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 12:47

I think you'd need to make sure he wanted to get back together because he wanted to actually be with you, rather than because it is one hell of an adjustment to be apart.

It's easy to mistake one for the other.

gamerchick · 22/10/2015 12:50

Well yeah but with 17 years inbetween.

If there's a chance then you need to take your relationship back to basics or you'll both end up back in the same place when the same issues arise.

No living together, just dating and getting to know each other again while carrying on/making an outside life.

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 12:50

Yes Scribbler that's what I've been feeling the past 2 weeks, that I'm not thin/ pretty/ good enough. Another thing is he goes into these moods and is very off with me for no reason and he said it wasn't fair on me to do this. Another valid point but I don't know how we'd fix that.

Why weren't they quite the same? Are you back to normal now?

OP posts:
Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 12:53

That's what I've been thinking Joys, are we both just so upset because it's different to what we're used to? But then I think about how we used to be when we first got together. It was so much fun and we were so happy. I'm wondering if we both stop getting into these downward spirals where we snipe at each other, then we might be able to go back to that.

Wow 17 years gamer!! I agree, I'd like to date again and do all the fun stuff that we did at the beginning.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 22/10/2015 13:05

Hi The same thing happened to me and my then boyfriend. we had been together 2 years, then he suddenly broke up with me....I was absolutely devastated . But after counselling and a lot of crying I pulled myself together, got a new job ( we worked together at the time) and went abroad to see friends for a week. Then 6 weeks after he broke up he begged me to take him back, he proposed and I laid down some serious ground rules. That was 15 years ago and we have been pretty happy since including the arrival of our beautiful kids. If you still love him hear him out....he may of needed the time away from you to realise how important you are and how much he loves you.

nightmarehair · 22/10/2015 13:10

Me and dh had been together for about a year and a half and then we split up. We got back together 7/8 months later.

BloodontheTracks · 22/10/2015 13:10

Garth, this sounds a bit tricky and I think you're wise to be wary. The only times i Have done this in my life were when I was just not that into someone, then missed being in a couple with them, but ultimately it didn't work out for what were the initial issues, almost certainly. And also I'm afraid, when there was cheating going on. Often someone will leave to test out a relationship with another and then miss the original person. Hiding this is not a good sign, Obviously.

How old are you? That makes a bit of a difference because if this is pre-26 I think things are a bit different from is this is happening in your 30s or 40s say.

I'm not particularly sympathetic to him ;wondering if he's made a mistake' and crying etc. I'm afraid that nothing less that certainty , apology explanation and commitment is the right response to build a life after leaving someone like this. This sounds like confusion, guilt and dislike of loss, which I'd be wary of. But then you know him. What's he like?

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 13:19

Thanks bert that's lovely, I'm glad it worked out for you. I do still love him yes.

nightmare was it the same when you got back?

Blood thank you for taking the time to reply. That's what I'm kind of worried about. And we are (just) pre-26. Does that change your opinion? I may sound naive but I honestly do not believe there's someone else involved, I think this is a little crisis he's having on his own, whether it's him panicking about the commitment or something else, I don't know. He's very quiet, doesn't talk about his feelings, prone to moods. But I love him and know he's a good person, just the past few weeks he's been closed off and moody. I think if we got back together we need to talk about things when they arise and not just shut down and run away from the relationship when he feels like.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/10/2015 13:22

My DH's parents split up for a while. His Dad even got another woman for a bit. I think they were apart for a year or so. They got back together and stayed together (many years) until she passed away, and they seemed very in love. So yes, it can happen.

When I met my first H, we were 6 months in when he told me he might go back to his Ex GF. I was devastated. It was New Years Eve. He left me and went to her house to chat. On New Years Day, he came to mine and begged me to forgive him, saying he really did want to be with me. So we put it behind us and stayed together for 20 years. But I did leave him then, as I found out he had repeatedly cheated.

Not sure if any of this helps. If there's no OW involved, I'd try again. You've got nothing to lose.

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 13:41

Thanks ILive, no it helps. Well that's the thing, I don't want to be with anyone else so don't have anything to lose. I'll see how things pan out, I still don't know how things were left?! He just cried and we talked and then he didn't even take all his stuff, just some of it!

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 13:53

I think this is a warning shot that he is a selfish, reactive and impulsive decision maker TBH.

If you are living with someone the relationship is fairly serious.

You don't have to give a whole laundry list of character assassinations if you want to break up but it is kind to actually articulate the reason.

The 'not feeling us' I would have interpreted as 'this is boring me now and I can't be bothered putting in any effort'. Sometimes that's because genuine love has gone, sometimes it's because the person sees relationships and love as there to serve them and not as something they are required to put anything into.

The fact he has no come back with a vague 'I'm not sure if I have made a mistake' indicates to me it is the latter - he feels you are responsible for his feelings and the relationship.

He sounds emotionally immature atm. He is young, though not that young, so he may grow up but I'd not get back with him if I were you.

He broke up with you because he wasn't getting what he wanted, now he is feeling lonely and he wants you to want him back so he will get what he wants more often, would be my interpretation.

I'd tell him to grow up and stop messing me around.

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:56

If you want to give it another chance then it should be with 'this is just for now atm' in mind. Do not go back to living together, do not fall back into 'I love you', date casually to start as though it is an entirely separate relationship. If you can't do that, don't try to go there again.

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:57

And focus on you, be a single person not in a committed relationship.

ivykaty44 · 22/10/2015 14:04

Op you do have something to lose - there may be someone that does fall in love with you and you them, this ex p ay prevent that happening by getting back with you for the wrong reasons.

Feeling down? So he ended his relationship, this isn't normal. You need to find out the real reason you parted.

What is it with his moods?

Going old Turkey on a relationship is hard but much better.

My advice to you would be tell him to cut all contact for two months and if he still loves and wants to be with you come back in two months and see how you both feel, in the mean time get on with rebuilding your life and see how you feel.
Don't date
Join meetups for a new social life
Take up a new passtime
Change dome habits
Try some new thing

Then in two moths you will know whether you still want him back

Morganly · 22/10/2015 14:09

Well, actually, the OP does have something to lose, which is her self esteem and happiness. I think you both need to take a bit more time to think about this. There is a problem in the relationship and one discussion isn't going to solve it and nor is pretending that you've only just met and starting dating again. After two years, he needs to make his mind up - split or commit. Don't do the pick-me dance - it is incredibly damaging to your self esteem.

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 14:36

Thanks for the messages Offred. Sorry to be misleading but we don't live together, he would just stay a few nights each week and that's why there was stuff at mine. And yes I hate the vagueness, I was pressing him so much last night for an answer saying I needed it to help me understand and move on and he was just saying 'I don't know' and then after more pressing he said about the not really feeling us. I just don't think he knows what he wants but I really wish he hadn't done all this 2 years down the line with my feelings thrown in as collateral damage.

ivy thank you for the advice. I don't know what it is with his moods. I don't think he's depressed but sometimes he'd have a bad day at work and come home wanting to quit and saying everything was shit etc. He's very up and down. But then so am I so maybe we just clash Sad. I've already started a new hobby and changed my eating habits for the better, I was almost feeling better about it all then he started messaging me saying he missed me and using his pet name for me. Bleurgh

Morganly I agree wholeheartedly. And if we do get back this can't be smoothed over, it needs to be talked through. No, I briefly considered it at first when I had that horrible overwhelming sense of panic when he ended it but my friends talked me out of contacting him at all which I'm grateful for.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:08

So he's a flip flapper with work too?

Meh...

I think you are better off apart.

No-one needs a flip flapper in their life.

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 15:10

Flip flapper Grin. He's good at his job and it's a skilled role that he works hard in. Just sometimes when he comes home he acts all dramatic. It seems to be when he has pressure on him to commit to something he just runs in the opposite direction.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:12
Grin

He won't quit his job because he'd have no £££ and would have to put effort into finding another which shows limited maturity.

The coming home in a mood and wanting to throw his life in the bin in various ways, whether he ultimately acts on it or not, is classic flip flapper... Wink

Offred · 22/10/2015 15:13

Being a big boy is hard work... He clearly missed the memo...

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 15:20

Pahaha I love that, not heard it before. I think you're exactly right, he can't be arsed finding another job which he could so easily due to his skill sets. I just want him to be driven about things. I have my own house and all he did was make PA comments about not having a relative die like me so he couldn't afford a deposit. He earns twice what I do and has no outgoings so could have easily saved a deposit by now!

OP posts:
ShutUpLegs · 22/10/2015 15:21

This happened to us at about that age and also to a younger colleague of mine.

In both instances, she and I just went and did our own things. She moved into a new flat, I relocated to a new job and just got with life. Both of us thought that it would probably mean the end of the relationships, that things would just drift apart.

We carried on dating and the relationships actually began to revitalise. It was a case of the relationship being bigger than the sum of its parts. 20 years (for us) on DH & I have 2 kids, 7 years on (for her) and they are married with a kitten better than kids.

Focus on your life and what you want - if that turns out to be him and he can sort himself out, then who knows?

Original poster
GarthAlgar · 22/10/2015 15:25

Ah thank you Legs, I'm glad it worked out for you! Wise advice, I think I'll just see what happens.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:49

So he jealously belittles your successes and doesn't do anything to achieve any of his own?

Yeah, immaturity and possibly insecurity too - rather blame other people for him not having what he wants than do anything about it himself.

Live your life on your terms, don't get trapped into living for him as he doesn't seem to really be at the same level of maturity as you and you will fall into being his mother if you aren't careful!

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