Has anyone split and got back together successfully?

[GarthAlgar]

Broke up 2 weeks ago, he initiated it. Said he'd been feeling low for a few weeks and just not 'feeling us'. We'd been going out a few years and this was a massive unexpected blow to me.

The last 2 weeks have been awful if I'm honest, I've missed him so much. Last week he started texting saying he was miserable without me and that he missed me and was wondering if he made a mistake.

He came round last night to get his stuff and it was hard . I was friendly but impartial but then he started crying and saying how difficult it was etc. It was all very emotional and I'm not really sure how things have been left. I think there's a possibility that we could get back together but we'd need a long discussion first. I'm not even sure I could get back with him because I'd always be wondering when I was next getting dumped.

So my question is, has anyone else gone through this? Did you get back together and have a successful relationship that was the same/ better than before? Someone at work is telling me this is essential for the 'relationship to deepen and go to the next level' but I think she might be talking out her arse slightly .

Advice appreciated.

From what you have written on this thread I really don't get the impression that your ex wants to start again, (I think you do, understandable).

I think he is expressing sadness that things have come to an end.

It'll take a little time for you both to adjust. It's normal to grieve, and you'll both wonder if you have done the right thing/made a mistake /whether to try again etc. The uncharted landscape is daunting.

Not all relationships are meant to go the distance.

It's tough.

I'm going through something similar. I would give him some time and space, and then if he's willing, talk it through. Like you say, if you get back together, you would need to start slow and rebuild.

My bf seems to have entered emotional shutdown mode, and while it's bloody painful, I'm just leaving him to himself, while I assume it's over. I worry if we did get back together whether it would be the same. And yet it might be better having talked more openly. Theres something going on unconsciously for him, that he can't seem to articulate, so it may be the same for you OP. I guess we have to wait for to perhaps be able to open up and share if they can.

Me and my partner split up about 6 weeks ago, the last week we have been trying again, took a trip to london this week and stayed the night, so far its been really good, but as she split with me im taking it sl8w and have stepped back abit just in case

Thanks for the extra replies. Lexia I know exactly what you mean about emotional shutdown, that's exactly what I feel like is happening! You've just managed to explain it better than me.

See the thing is if someone can't communicate their feelings like a normal adult human being and they are not recognising this as their/a problem, not taking steps to learn and not asking you to wait - why would you?

Move on. There are loads of men who are not emotionally unavailable and you are much better off alone than trying to force an emotionally unavailable man to be emotionally available.

Garth, I have to say I'm coming round to agree with off. It's so hard to see it at the time, and I do sympathise I promise, it's really hard whatever age you are. But yes, knowing how young you are you really ought to consider dating a bunch more people in the next few years and then being persuaded by him winning you back dramatically in three or four years when you have more to compare it to. When you said 'wait and see what happens' my heart and stomach clenched. You can't be that passive about your life and your heart, Garth. You can't ever leave it in the hands of a man who isn't sure about you. And you sure as hell don't do it when you're under 26. We've all gone through this sort of stuff, and you probably have a learning experience here, but my advice? Read some Cheryl Strayed and go. Nothing worth it gets away.

Also 'I don't want to be with anyone else so I'll just see how things pan out' No No No NO No No No No no
I wish I could send this out like a siren across mumsnet. This totally underestimates the very real difference between actively enjoying and learning from being single, the different types of men you meet when you are actively dating as opposed to attached with one eye open (hint, liars and attacheds themselves) waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

If we weren't so afraid, so many more women would leave relationships, and so many more people would therefore be single to make new and satisfying relationships that suit them better and there would be far fewer affairs AND unhappy relationships. I'm not saying you should definitely do this, OP. I just really want to impress upon you, someone young, that this attitude of not swinging from one branch until you've got firmly hold of another one, of 'seeing what happens' and of putting up with uncertain, mistreating men is a TERRIBLE model to work from and you deserve to live so much better and braver, and you can do it. Whatever you choose, decide based on what makes you a bigger person, not what you think is 'right' or 'safe'. At the moment it feels so clear from the outside that you are trying to think yourself into doing nothing because it avoids risk and conflict, even though none of us really understand where this man's doubts and fears are coming from, least of all you. You are literally being told 'I don't think I like you enough' and responding, 'Okay, but we can still go out right?' At the very least you need to completely understand what he feels and is saying (and I suspect the full truth is not being told) before you can even begin to process this decision.

That's even if he is emotionally mature enough to tell you straight how he feels.

Based on his recent behaviour I would say not.

Give him the option to fall back to the safety of his known relationship with you then of course that's what he will do. It will say nothing about whether he actually chooses you or your relationship together because it is actively what he wants.

Thank you for the advice Blood, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. What you're saying really does make sense, especially about the different types of men you meet when single as opposed to being with someone. I hadn't thought of it like that before. And I do swing from one branch to the other as you would say, I guess I struggle to be by myself because I don't really like who I am at times so seek validation from others. It's hard to explain but when I'm by myself I just feel shit about myself and slip into bad habits. When I'm with someone I feel like they have my back and I just enjoy being with someone and the comfort that comes with that. Maybe I need to work on all that before I consider seeing or 'dating' him again though.

Yes, Garth, from what you've described, this is an AWFUL partner for someone like you. Someone you will make you feel as insecure and weak as you fear you are.

Meanwhile I would advise you think really hard about whether you ARE actually the sort of person who needs another person to feel good about herself. Because from where I'm sitting you're actually in a relationship(s) with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself in the long run, and that the power is being very neatly cut up into two with strength being assigned to him and weakness to you. you're a young, child-free woman under 26, you couldn't possibly be in a more powerful position, particularly romantically. You are already branding yourself as the sort of person who 'needs' to be in a relationship and who who seeks validation from others. I'm not saying there's no truth in this, and it's wise to know yourself so well, but you are nowhere near formed yet as a person and I would challenge you by saying that you only know these things about yourself in the context of being in a relationship with a man like this. It's perfectly possibly that as a single person, forced to provide self-validation and able to be 'the strong one' without assigning that role to someone outside yourself, you would do that and enjoy it and dare I say, become it.

I would go even further and venture that, as with a lot of women I know in their 20s, another way of thinking about it is that they so seldom ever HAVE to be single (being appealing to a range of men and age groups) that they believe themselves to be weaker, more coupley and in need of validation than they actually are, due to the spending of their whole 20s in bloody relationships where they award the men they are with higher status and power than they deserve, purely to make sense of their fucking choice to be in that relationship in the first place.

And if you can untangle that mindfuck good luck to you!

What I'm saying is, don't mistake laziness or fear for a weak sense of self. And don't put yourself down and then claim you need to be in a relationship that puts you down because you have a tendency to put yourself down. It's illogical.

You can do anything you want.