Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help, I am putting off having sex after birth.

42 replies

mimpim · 04/12/2006 23:00

It all feels a little weird.

I had a ventouse birth and needed help removing the placenta (felt like he was up to his armpit!)then I bled for 10 weeks.
I told DH that it all felt different down there and it turned out there was placenta left behind.
That has all been removed now (nearly two weeks ago) and DH is keen to get things moving (never known him to be so horny )
He is lovely about it and does not want to rush me. I said to leave it a week or so but that has nearly passed and I am not really thinking along those lines at all.
Now, I read on another link that BF can make you dry, I am feeling even less inclined! I had probs with that way before pregnancy and it is a real turn off.

Think I am mostly nervous of that first time, is that normal? I imagine it is but I just don't feel I have the time to think sexy in order to get myself in the mood.

Poor DH, I want to give him what he wants but I just don't really want it! He will be fine to wait but I feel I am putting pressure on myself now.

OP posts:
MammyMto3kids · 04/12/2006 23:05

The first time was a bit of a 'mental' hurdle for me too (with all 3) but just take it slow, tell him not to expect too much, if it happens,it happens, if not, he's not too disappointed hopefully. Of course, there are other things you can do that don't involve 'going the whole way'! I did find that once the first time was 'over with' it wasn't as bad as I'd thought and the next time was straight back to normal! Good luck.

MassiveBoobs · 04/12/2006 23:06

I had a ventouse as well though none of the rest of it.

I was panicking so much about it all but also feeling randomly horny . In the end I invested in KY and lay back and though of England. It wasn't as bad as I expected...

Tommy · 04/12/2006 23:07

after DS1 was born we went for it about 8 weeks after the birth - mostly I would say because I felt like I "should" and not because I wanted to. I was terrified it would hurt like hell (it didn't - loads of KY!), terrified I would get pregnant again (belt and braces approach IYSWIM!) and mostly because was so knackered that I just saw bed as a sleeping place.

But we did it and it was OK

After DS2 was born it was at least 4 months but it didn't seem such a big deal second time round.

Try not to make a big deal of it - it's only a few minutes out of your busy day anyway

Good luck.

merrylissiemas · 04/12/2006 23:11

with ds i was so ill after, that it was about 4 months. it'll be weird for him too. just don't try to push yourself into it. good luck

MistletoeGolightly · 04/12/2006 23:12

Not to be too graphic, but could you start in at the shallow end so to speak? Just to ease yourself into the proceedings! If you start off gently without necessarily expecting to have full sex then maybe you'll just get in the swing of it and it will happen naturally without the big "tonight's the night" kind of feeling.

FWIW I had a ventouse and was nervous of the first time too, couldn't quite believe all the stitches had healed. It was not desperately comfortable first time but got better very quickly.

Original poster
mimpim · 04/12/2006 23:22

Yeah, I think you are right, I should take it slowly MGL.
I think DH is ready for whambam sex and I felt that I ought to be too, but a little slow build up would be good.
I did warn him that I would need that, but he expected it to ALL happen on that night.
Think I will suggest that he only gets titbits (oh dear, was that a pun), maybe sell it to him as........a slow build up....what's the word I am looking for?
The encouragement is good though, thanks.
Though I am not sure I could just lie back and think of England, think that was mainly what I was afraid of doing.

OP posts:
lazyanna · 05/12/2006 22:37

God this drives me mad - why not just not have sex. end of problem

lulumama · 05/12/2006 22:41

lazyanna...... a lot of women feel nervous of sex after birth,especially one that involves intervention ,stitches and a heavy bleeding afterwards..... plus the change in the way you see yourself after birth , especially with the first baby.....

lots of cuddles , foreplay, kissing etc..not necc straight into sex....make sure you feel ready....but once you have taken the plunge,,you will feel so much better!!

the nervousness is perfectly normal and natural...but you can overcome it...see if you can have a lovely relaxing bath, glass of wine and take it slooooooooooowly...

xx

lazyanna · 05/12/2006 22:44

But that's my point, sex is so over rated, and people worry so much if they don't want to have sex, and post on here "how do i get my libido back" - why not ask why their partners want sex, and treat them like the people with the problem?

WonderCod · 05/12/2006 22:45

2 weeks?
for god SAKE WHAT IS HE ON

tell him he is a freak

WonderCod · 05/12/2006 22:45

2 weeks?
for god SAKE WHAT IS HE ON

tell him he is a freak

skerriesmum · 05/12/2006 22:54

Just fyi I couldn't manage it until about 4 months later! And dh was very understanding!

WonderCod · 05/12/2006 22:55

my dh hated me
and had no desire ot have sex wiht me

DetentionGrrrl · 06/12/2006 05:36

We had sex 5 wks after, i can't say i was especially in the mood, but was curious more than anything as to how it would feel. I had a straight forward labour- no tears or stitches etc. DP said i felt the same inside as before...where-as i could feel bugger all, truth be told! It got better though- thank god!

I had no pressure from DP what so ever, and in fairness, he had seen a person slide out of me, so he would have understood any reluctance on my part!

LadyTophamHatt · 06/12/2006 07:06

with my 3 DS's I was Ok about sex and we managed it at around 5-6 weeks after the birth.

This time though I have no intention AT ALL to be having sex that soon. This PG has completely killed any libido I have and quite frankly I'm glad. I think I'd be perfectly happy to live a celiabte life after I have the baby.
If DH doesn't like that....welll it's tough. He's going to have a very difficult job to convince me it a good idea to have sex.

You really shouldn't feel pressurised into it. I doubt you'll thank him for it after if he gets his leg over and you don't really want to.

I'd just send him in the bathroom with a box of tisses to sort himself out

NOELallie · 06/12/2006 12:39

LadyTH - I felt the same. My libido went for a long walk when I had my second baby and hasn't really come back. However it's not just a question of telling DH to lump it unfortunately. Our relationship takes a nose-dive if we go more than a week without. When we do get down to it things improve and I usually enjoy it. Still would happily do without though.

minpin - I do think that 2 weeks is way too early in the circumstances. Wasn't he there at the birth? Didn't he see what your body went through?

frenchconnection · 06/12/2006 14:19

im know im weird but we did it the day after we got home from hospital with ds1, my idea..was feeling horny for some weird reason( despite just giving birth naturally to a 10lb baby!) Anyway it just suddenly went all numb and weird feeling, couldnt climax or get even close!! it was a bad idea!!

Was too embarrassed to tell midwife when she told us to wait 5/6 wks!

MistletoeGolightly · 06/12/2006 16:29

I think if you read mimpim's OP she isn't having sex 2 weeks after the BIRTH, she is having sex 2 weeks after delayed removal of the placenta, ie 12 weeks after the birth.

And Lazyanna, I don't think mimpim is being ridiculous in wanting to enjoy sex - for most women sex is part of their relationship with their husband, I don't think the answer is to treat your husband as if he is the one with the problem just because he still fancies you! Personally, I was delighted my DP still wanted to have sex at all after what he'd witnessed.

KatieMW · 06/12/2006 16:46

LOL - agree, delighted DH interested after 31 hours labour, ventouse & other horribleness.

We used 'Play' by KY Jelly people. Helped. Wish we could now find the time...

madamez · 06/12/2006 20:06

Defiitely don't fall into the trap of letting him have sex just to shut him up - once you've done it, you might feel obliged to keep on doing it and that can make for the most poisonous resentment. If he's a nice understanding chap and you want to want to, if you know what I mean, then try the slow start, fool around, type of thing (which can, actually, be very good fun). And do use lots of lube when you go for it.
As a single mum, I was very nervous about the first one after having DS, but in the end it was hassle-free if unspectacular with pleasant bloke at swingers' party after a few drinks.

kittylettekissingsanta · 06/12/2006 21:28

i was at it when DS2 was 18 days old, but it was an easy birth

ds1 was messy, stitches ect, waited much longer

just wait n relax hun, itll happen when it should & oull be relaxed and ready, and your DH is happy to wait - good man

NOELallie · 07/12/2006 12:45

lazyanna - I just wanted to say to you that I know where you're coming from. And if this wasn't a relationship forum I'd agree with you probably. I resent being made to feel like I'm a freak when I beleive that the way I feel is a reasonable response to what I've been through emotionally and physically in the last 10 years. However this is about relationships and I don't think any relationship that started off as a sexual one can turn into an asexual one without repurcussions. It's not a question of one partner being wrong and the other being right - it's simply not healthy to change the nature of any relationship and leave one party out of the equation IYSWIM?

poppynic · 07/12/2006 12:58

Although I only had two stitches I was really sore and I tried just before the 6 week check-up - and failed. Lots and lots and lots of lube was the only way. I also think, if you can manage it, it's probably easier if you are on top. It was a full year of (admittedly irregular) sex before I felt fully pain free.
I'd be quite happy with sex every six months now I think but agree with Noelallie. Funny thing is I was really into it before DS1 was born.

thebecster · 07/12/2006 14:25

We waited 4 months after a deep 3rd degree tear which took a long time to heal properly. I just wasn't ready, and when I told my DH how I really felt & didn't try to put a 'brave face' on it he didn't pressure me. As soon as he stopped pressuring me I started to feel a bit more inclined FWIW it was fine, and still is. On what lazyanna's saying, I don't quite agree ie IMO, it's not your DH's problem. But it's not just 'your problem' either. Both of you have to work on it together - it's not just up to you to lay back and think of England and service your husbands needs while feeling scared yourself. But it's not just up to him to set his desire on one side either. Do what you're comfortable with, and when you're more comfortable then you can do a little more.

lazyanna · 08/12/2006 08:14

Where is the compromise in my having to agree to do something I don't want to do?

I'm not sure that all sexual relationships do not end up asexual either, and there is pressure in the Papers and the Television and the media generally that makes us think that if we are not having sex all the time then there is something wrong with us.

We're nearly 40, and I certainly do not expect him to want sex much beyond that.