Help, I am putting off having sex after birth.

[mimpim]

It all feels a little weird.

I had a ventouse birth and needed help removing the placenta (felt like he was up to his armpit!)then I bled for 10 weeks.
I told DH that it all felt different down there and it turned out there was placenta left behind.
That has all been removed now (nearly two weeks ago) and DH is keen to get things moving (never known him to be so horny )
He is lovely about it and does not want to rush me. I said to leave it a week or so but that has nearly passed and I am not really thinking along those lines at all.
Now, I read on another link that BF can make you dry, I am feeling even less inclined! I had probs with that way before pregnancy and it is a real turn off.

Think I am mostly nervous of that first time, is that normal? I imagine it is but I just don't feel I have the time to think sexy in order to get myself in the mood.

Poor DH, I want to give him what he wants but I just don't really want it! He will be fine to wait but I feel I am putting pressure on myself now.

x-posts

The first time DH and I had sex after DD was born was lovely! He was very gentle and caring and everything felt like our first time all over again.

With DC2 due tomorrow I am looking forward to that moment all over again in a few weeks.

Dont do anything you are not ready for though, perhaps tell your DH that you could try, but if it gets too much you want to stop. Start of with a cuddle etc and see how far you are able to let yourself go, you never know you might just need to kick start yourself into the 'mood'.

Took me six months after a third degree tear and multiple internal lacerations to even think about the possibility of starting DTD again, and I only went for it because I felt pressurised. DH wasn't particularly sympathetic, which caused a lot of problems between us.

Anyway - we ended up taking it v gently, but it still hurt a LOT that first time, which put me off trying again for about another three months.

Long story short, DD is now 19 months old and we've almost got back to where we used to be, but it took us almost this long. This is in part due to DH finally understanding how frightened and hurt I was, and also me understanding that his 'needs' were in fact real and >ahem< doing other things to get him off my case!

Be kind to yourself, mimpim. It sounds like you had a very difficult birth and aftermath... am I right in thinking it's now 12 weeks ago? That may sound like a long time to some people, but it's not. Your body has been through a huge trauma - give yourself time to heal properly. You'll get there in the end!

P.S. I also found that BF nuked my libido. I BF for a year. Once I stopped though, my 'oomph' gradually returned... I think it's nature's way of helping you space your children out or something!

at Lazyanna's "don't expect sex much beyond 40"

Blimey, we're 44 and normal for us is 3 times a week. I certainly wouldn't want to go for 40 odd years (assuming we pop off at 80) with no sex!!

Also lazyanna! Well it takes all sorts I suppose, and if you're happy then I guess you know best. But I couldn't live like that - I'm assuming that DH and I will have regular sex until one of us pops our clogs.

When my gran was in a nursing home, there was a kerfuffle when her lady next-door-neighbour (aged 90) was caught entertaining a 'gentleman caller' (aged 92) by the matron. The elderly gentleman had thought he was pulling the cord to switch off the light & spare their blushes but it was the alarm cord for the matron so their amorous antics were interrupted by matron & crash team with defibrillators at the ready Aged 90 and 92. Good on 'em, I say. And my parents still have sex, they're in their 70s. My sister used to say same things as lazyanna 'you just go off it after a while', 'it's not normal to still want sex at my age' etc etc. Then she left her husband for a woman and now is member of lesbian biker group. So, yeah, anyway... NO lazyanna, I'm not implying anything, that's just how it happened!

Sorry this has turned to long post and WAAAAY off topic, I'm gibbering, will go away now.

"don't expect much beyond 40"

Um, does your DP know about this? Or agree? I know some couples get along fine like that, it's just that no guy I know could!

Seems to me that the whole give/take aspect that applies to relationships is particularly relevant in the bedroom, post-birth or post-40!

mimpin, I had a very traunatic birth with ds1 and it was 3 months before I could even think about it. Perhaps start slow with kisses and cuddles.

lazyanna, I'm 41 and dh is 58- we have no intention of slowing dowm! To each his own, though...

lazyanna- are you for real?

you do sound like a silly sausage.

lazyanna

mimpim -just to say a ventouse birth with all the added complications doesn't mean that sex will hurt. after ds1's birth they apparently did a lovely job (so the midwives told me) but sex was uncomfortable for months. With Ds2 on the other hand they made a right old mess of everything 'down there' and the midwives would look at me and wince but sex was miraculously and beautifully pain free from the first time (at about 6 weeks).

It's like the first poo - you have to do it eventually but it can be a lot less traumatic than you think it will be. Take it slow, discuss your fears with your dh and buy industrial quantities of KY. you never know you might even find you enjoy it

Thanks guys. All advice has been gratefully recieved, though still not actioned! I will get there, in the end. Time just seems to slip away.
I think things will be fine, I have had a few more urges, which is a good sign, though,as I say, have not acted upon them as yet. Waaay too early in the morning (strange time) sleep was far more appealing!!
Now PIL have arrived, so DH has gone AWOL with FIL and MIL is bending my ear! Lovely pair really, I bend her ear as much. But is does take your mind off things a little.

I agree with most of what you are all saying, take it slow but also bite the bullet. Humming and hahhing is only overthinking the whole thing and yet I don't want to just dive in. A happy medium is required, though I am sure once that first time is out of the way I will be off again!

No sex after 40? well I am only 28 so I can't say what my thoughts will be when the time comes but I do know that my parents have a healthy love life at 55 and I wouldn't expect them not to, they seem young enough to me to still be at it, though I also don't really want to know about it. But I can also see how you can have a happy relationship without it.
Sometimes there is too much pressure on you and you can rage against it. This is probably our longest spell though and I don't like it much. It's like there is something in my head telling me I have forgotten to do something,....oh, yeah, have sex with my lovely DH!

I'm not saying that enjoying sex is a bad thing, but why should I do something i don't enjoy because DH wants to? Would you say the same about fly-fishing? (which he also is a bit boring about).

I had ventouse delivery with DS1 and a horrid episiotomy

We first got back to the bedroom activities after about 6 weeks.
I was ready and willing but very cautious as well as I couldn't quite believe everything was ok down there after the stitches.
I thought it would hurt like hell. It didn't - thankfully.
It was different but FAB and we didn't look back after that!

Dunno what it'll be like this time round. Having contractions as typing this and atm sex is the last thing on my mind but I hope to be back to it fairly soon. DP is just WOW

Message withdrawn

Mimpin I don't think you should have sex at all unless you want to! You are the one who has been through the birth. if you're not ready you're not ready. I think it took me at least 4 months after each one. I was very nervous each time and it was quite uncomfortable. Don't feel pressurised or guilty FHS.

Sorry meant mimpim

hiya mimpim,
i'm 28 too with 2 dd's, youngest 5mnths, and don't really feel up for it either. slightly worried that i wont ever feel up for it!
though i have a mirena coil which can be said to have low libido side effects. Are you on any hormone contraception that may be hindering your 'urges'

really try not to worry, i'm sure it'll come back and i think we are made to feel as though we're supposed to be super women these days, great mum, kitchen goddess, sex kitten in bedroom etc...
try to just enjoy each others company on your own, no babies, once or twice a week etc..

Not on any contraception at mo, cant be bothered with the hormone battle with it all!
two nights off a week! I am not sure I want that! I think she is ace and I am not really bothered about going out. she is down by 9ish so we normally have from 9.30 to about 11ish each night which is suiting us both quite well, I think....
We have his works night out next weekend which means an overnight stay in a hotel a few hours away, so we will see how I get on away from her then, also it may be a good night for a little rumpy pumpy! But I am not thinking defo about that all, it would be waaay too much pressure on myself, if it happens yahoo, but if not (cos he gets too drunk, or, of course I do!) then well, heh there will be other times.
I actually think, now, it has become more cos it has been so long that I am nervous! How silly is that! We have been together 7 years and I am nervous about having sex with my husband!?

Ventouse, episiotomy, tears, stitches and then bleeding for 9 weeks or so. Also breastfeeding, so breasts are unusually tender. The first time I tried penetrative sex it was at 9 weeks and it hurt so I gave up. Tried again this morning (10 weeks plus) and it hurt, so I was on top and only let my partner go in a bit, not totally with condom. Both times I was very nervous, like it was the first time... Things felt tighter, which I'm sure was a boost for my partner but not for me. Despite trying hard, I was tense. Luckily my partner doesn't mind other kinds of sex, so I will take it easy. Glad it's not only me. Asked other mums and they said it was ok? Were they lying?