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Original poster

DP had an EA with woman almost half my age

54 replies

downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:15

Have NC as a regular poster and I am not going to leave my partner (I think) so need to maintain some privacy.

Will keep this short, sweet and factual.

  • I am 50. DP 35. OW is 26.
  • He had an EA (no sex, but kissed one drunken night)
  • EA lasted 4 months
  • EA ended when OW asked him to leave me.
  • DP declined to leave me as it wasn't the right time.

This all happened 2 years ago. We are still together. However I only discovered the last point yesterday.

Anyone have any experience of this? Could really do with some advice. My head is fuzzy and I cannot think.

OP posts:
Theoldcauliflower · 20/10/2015 20:20

Why aren't you going to leave him?
He's thought about leaving you!
"Cause it wasn't the right time" says it all to me Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:22

I'm so sorry.

How did you find out about it at all?

Who is OW? How did they meet? Does he still see her?

My instinct would say that he'd only admit to the minimal, and if they got to kissing, it probably went further.

I'd never be able to forgive him for the betrayal, and the hurt. It'd tear me apart.

And that last point? I wouldn't be waiting for him to find the "right time"...

But it's so personal, and it depends a lot on circumstance, so we may need some additional info.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:22

cauliflower - that is what pains me. The idea that for 4 months he considered leaving me. However, what confuses me is that 2yrs on he is still here.

OP posts:
ohmyeyebettymartin · 20/10/2015 20:22

How did you find out about the last point? I agree that that's the important one.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/10/2015 20:22

Had it too easy where he was.

Have you told him you know?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 20/10/2015 20:26

Well he's still there because of Better The Devil You Know. He's still there because he knows what life is with you (and that he can treat you like shit and you'll tolerate it). He didn't leave because he was worried it mighy not work out with her and then he'd be left with nothing.

That's all.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:27

Anchor

He told me. He wasn't behaving like himself. He was going out more. He seemed pained the whole time. Confused. So I confronted him, and he admitted to it.

She is from work. They never actually worked together, so unsure as to exactly how they met. He says through mutual friends. He doesn't see her anymore. It was literally a 4 month EA, then no contact.

It definitely did not go as far as sex, but I imagine with the kissing came touching etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:28

Anchor

He told me. He wasn't behaving like himself. He was going out more. He seemed pained the whole time. Confused. So I confronted him, and he admitted to it.

She is from work. They never actually worked together, so unsure as to exactly how they met. He says through mutual friends. He doesn't see her anymore. It was literally a 4 month EA, then no contact.

It definitely did not go as far as sex, but I imagine with the kissing came touching etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:29

Adora - what do you mean had it too easy?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:29

He's waiting for something.

It might just be to grow the balls to leave. Or it could be when he can support himself better, or when you're distracted, or he might have just got cold feet that perhaps this wasn't the right OW to leave for - maybe she was just good enough to sleep with but didn't actually have any future potential.

I am so sorry. It'd cut me up knowing.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:32

betty, I found out as I was attempting to recycle his old phone from last year for £ and found old messages. So I saw the whole 4 month fiasco play out in the messages. It was exactly as he said, other than the bit he missed off about her asking him to leave me and then him declining by saying its not the right time. She continued to pursue, but he ignored her.

OP posts:
ohmyeyebettymartin · 20/10/2015 20:36

How awful OP. I'm really sorry.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:38

anchor, why do you mention the when he can support himself better or when I am distracted?

He didn't sleep with her. DP is a quiet man, almost awkward. She is a bit of a wild child from what I can see of her facebook profile, but she is smart from a career/money perspective given her age. Senior in her job, own flat in a nice area etc etc

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:39

Have you told him that you know he has omitted some information?

I would. And then I'd give him one chance to tell you, and see what comes out.

Could you ask him to leave for a while, to gain some headspace? Do you want him to leave?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:39

Have you told him that you know he has omitted some information?

I would. And then I'd give him one chance to tell you, and see what comes out.

Could you ask him to leave for a while, to gain some headspace? Do you want him to leave?

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:43

Folkgirl, he has said in the past he doesn't want to be single...

We have been together almost 5 years now..

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:43

Cross-posts, sorry.

He was waiting for something. That's why he said it wasn't the "right time". That's very particular - it was almost a Freudian slip on his part.

They would be the most common reasons that he wouldn't leave yet. You see the same here when women want to leave, the reasons are the same.

I'm sorry, I know this must hurt like hell and it's so much harder to see it when you're on the inside, but please don't let him hurt you again by leaving when you've gone to great pains to forgive him and stay together.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:51

Ok I understand. I don't know why he would be so upfront and honest with her though as to his reason for saying no to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:53

Why is he still here 2 years on? Time still not right?

I am confused. But I need to be objective and rationalise this in my own head.

OP posts:
ohmyeyebettymartin · 20/10/2015 20:53

There's also the possibility that he was letting her down gently of course.

But honestly, once yoy reach the stage of having to guess at what he might have meant by something like that, I think it's not really much fun any more.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 20/10/2015 20:54

*you

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:55

It's lying best practice to only tell the lies that need to be told. It helps keep them in line.

He told her the truth about why he wouldn't leave because if he'd invented a reason, it'd be another lie to remember.

This way, he's given her a bit of truth. It makes it all feel more genuine and honest to him, and he doesn't need to remember what he told her. He probably found some relief in being able to tell the truth, too, amongst a sea of deceit.

Unfortunately, if you spend a lot of time around lies and narcissists, and the like, and you learn to spot the lies and the nuggets of truth. It's almost an alternate way of thinking.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 20/10/2015 20:55

I will be honest. I am scared to leave. Was single for 5 years before I met him. I want to keep him. But i'll be damned if I let him use me as a convenience store till the right one turns up.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2015 20:55

It's lying best practice to only tell the lies that need to be told. It helps keep them in line.

He told her the truth about why he wouldn't leave because if he'd invented a reason, it'd be another lie to remember.

This way, he's given her a bit of truth. It makes it all feel more genuine and honest to him, and he doesn't need to remember what he told her. He probably found some relief in being able to tell the truth, too, amongst a sea of deceit.

Unfortunately, if you spend a lot of time around lies and narcissists, and the like, and you learn to spot the lies and the nuggets of truth. It's almost an alternate way of thinking.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 20/10/2015 20:57

I freely admit to being clueless about things like that!

OP did you find out about this because of the old phone? (ie he didn't tell you off his own bat?)