He hates conflict so he just fobs me off and it's destroying our relationship

[thelongday]

Basically, if I have any sort of issue, I bring it up and explain that whatever it is isn't working for me and can we look at compromising and finding a solution we are both happy with?

I'm always prepared to compromise and listen to him. I repeat things back to him so he knows I have understood.

He sometimes agrees within minutes with me, sometimes he argues, tells me I'm being ridiculous / petty / silly and then agrees the compromise I suggest. I had started to ask him to come up with the compromise so that he doesn't feel like I'm making the decision, as I thought this might be the problem.

The end result is ALWAYS the same. He agrees, but carries on just the same. I point out that he must have "forgotten" our agreement in a kind way and we have another argument where he tells me I'm being petty/ silly / ridiculous / making a fuss over nothing and then he agrees to the original compromise but carries on the same.

Nothing is ever resolved and I suspect, the only reason we are still together is because I just end up "letting it go" or accepting something far less than we agreed.

I seem to be constantly stressed because I never know what is happening in my home life.

Examples are expecting the kids to walk to school and then he picks them up every day or him suggesting he loses weight (I simply pointed out I was worried about his health as he is now clinically obese and on statins) and then he mocks me in front of his friends for eating healthily or inviting his family round when I'd said it didn't suit me..... Loads more, pretty much a daily or weekly issue.

I just want to find a way to get him to be straight with me. I don't believe any promises he makes or even am convinced by any plans he says he's made etc.

Doesn't sound like he hates conflict so much as he hates doing anything he doesn't want to do.

Sounds hideous!

Doesn't sound like he hates conflict so much as he hates doing anything he doesn't want to do.*

This

Given his size, his friends must have thought he was a complete cock for mocking your heathy eating.

This is who he is and there aren't magic hand signals or some forgotten language that you must master to get through to him. Your incorrect diagnosis of this has distracted you from the more obvious, he's a lazy insecure arse. Your responsibilities begin and end with how much of his twatery you want to expose you and your children to.

Thanks for the replies. I've been going to counselling and reading self help books to try and work out what to do.

I seem to have just learnt how to make excuses for him and justify his behaviour. :(

This is who he is. It sounds as though he has always been like this. If he doesn't change (and it's unlikely he will) what will you do? You need to decide which aspects of his behaviour are deal breakers and tell him that if nothing changes by x date the relationship is over.
If you aren't prepared to separate over any of this stuff then he will continue to ignore your opinion and just say "yes dear" to stop you nagging. Nagging doesn't work. being clear about what you want to change and what you'll do if it doesn't does.
He should get an equal say to you in decisions though. If he's in charge of picking the kids up and he wants to use the car then I'd say that's his decision to make. His health is his affair as well. On the other hand if you no longer find him attractive because he's piled on the weight and become a couch potato then that is relevant and you should tell him this not say you're worried about his health.
Don't nag about every little thing that is done differently.
If you want a completely different life and lifestyle and there is very little compatibility and you're always disagreeing then you'd be better apart.

With regards to the car and picking up the kids, we agreed and told the kids they could walk home from school (they're all teens). I wanted them to walk to and from school, he didn't. We both, apparently, compromised by expecting them to walk home. He just picks them up from school everyday and says I'm making a fuss over nothing when I point out what we agreed.

His weight? He sent me a text yesterday saying he's starting to think about his weight more and he knows he should do something. I've only ever said that maybe he should consider the long term health issues of his weight. Within an hour, he's back to "joking" about my healthiness (I just eat a "normal" diet) and how boring it must be.

He's a saboteur OP. Silently going back on the deal is just one of his underhand weapons intended to undermine and confuse you. It reminds me of XH I'm afraid. We'd agree stuff, I would make everything as palatable as possible for him to accept, he would agree whatever it was we should jointly do, and then just not do it or sabotage in some way.

Everytime I thought we were on the same page, he would put a bomb under it - subtlely and in a 'It's only a joke, why are you being so sensitive and controlling?' etc etc. Again, it was stuff to do with the children, trying to present a united front and trying to have a 'consistent parenting' approach - nothing unusual. It's just he never, never kept his side and constantly left me not only flapping in the wind, but constantly betrayed. I sense this is how you feel. We were not a team. He never said it, just made it clear with everything he did. And there was nothing I could do to make us a team. It is exhausting isn't it?

The feeling that you get out of this is not just one of feeling unsupported. It is not just that whatever you thought was going to happen, doesn't happen, it is the lack of respect and care that his behaviour really demonstrates. I would consider whether what he is showing you is this: that he neither respects you or cares about you. His behaviour says all this. Sorry OP. It is a hard thing to understand. But sometimes it adds up to just this.

Hill farmer, you've just summed up exactly how I feel!

Has he always been this way?

The Silent Assassin, eh

For someone who "hates conflict" he sure likes to create it. Especially in your head.

How can you even be bothered farting about with this fool?

Get rid.

Do you live together? You call him your partner not husband and you seem to eat different meals and communicate by text.
My husband doesn't laugh at what I eat as it's the same food he eats, or is he the main cook as he doesn't work afternoons and he cooks you a different meal because you don't like the food he eats? It sounds odd and far too much like hard work to me.

We eat together and live together. I do all the shopping and most of the cooking. We don't work together so we do text each other during the day.

We've lived together for five years. Been to relate counselling, where I think he just learnt to say all the right things. He didn't learn to communicate. The counsellor called him "emotionally dyslexic"

I can't marry him though, which upsets him.

It's because of all this. I trust him 100% with other women. I just don't trust him with day to day life!

Whose children is it that he's trying to sabotage their health by giving them lifts to and from school every day?

Hi OP,

He is destroying the relationship with his behaviour, but I doubt he will ever be upfront and honest and tell you he doesn't want it to continue. If you asked him upfront he would deny it. However, he is pushing you into ending it - and then you can be the destroyer!

Unfortunately he is messing with your head. He may be upset that you can't marry him - I'm not! Why would someone who treats you like shit and essentially ignores your sovreignty as a partner, an equal, actually want to marry you? Why on earth would you want to marry him?

He will always have a gripe against you. You will always be to blame, even though you can prove your reasonableness time and time again. Don't expect ever to 'win' the argument. My tuppence-worth, is that he won't get better, he has painted himself into this corner and he will not come out. This is his modus operandi - a kind of subterfuge that is almost an obsession for him. You're his favourite toy. His favourite hobby is to foil your plans at every turn - he has no moral or pragmatic compass here. It is not about finding solutions to practical problems in your life together/walking the same path.

You sound like a lovely, intelligent human being. I would seriously consider making plans not to be in this relationship. You trust him with other women, you just don't trust him with you! (Need I tell you that the latter is worse!) I remember thinking that - 'I can't trust him with my feelings (because I know he will attempt to batter them)'. Once you get to that stage, you realise they are NOT your friend, quite the opposite in fact.

similar situation here op.
trust him 100% as in with other women..... but he lets me down in a million other ways.... daily.
i let it simmer for weeks.... then i blow!
bloody draining isnt it!
xxxx

Rhodes - yes it is very draining. I can't believe him at all. When we discuss something I want to say to him "you're just lying to me aren't you?".

:(

Hill farmer,

I really want to believe he can't help it. But he's used to getting his own way and sees any compromise as me "winning". He's said this directly. I've tried telling him what I actually want and then what my compromise suggestion is to try and counter this, but he just refuses to listen. It's just me "getting my own way" over things.

And it really can be anything. Where we go out for dinner, the kids (mine and his and treating all fairly), his weight, the dog, the car......

I gave up my home to be with him, and most of my "stuff". He's just carried on merrily as before. Cries of "but this is what I've always done" whenever I've suggested changing routines etc.

It's only me that's trying but he claims to be really trying hard to make me happy. I'm not.

If you've only been together for 5 years and have no children together and he wants to have the last say on every single thing and doesn't view you as an equal whose opinion is as valid as his then I'd cut my losses and leave.
If he doesn't respect your opinion and doesn't feel your views are as valid as his then unless you want him to have all the power in the relationship and want to be controlled you'd be better without him and your children would be better seeing their mother as someone whose views are worthy of respect.
I'm not surprised you trust him 100% with women, he doesn't sound much of a catch.

We've been together 8 years. Living together for 5. He wanted me to move in after six months. I waited. Eventually he proposed and I felt obliged. That's not right is it?

Do you think you'd be happier without him? He must have some good points for you to have stayed with him as it doesn't sound as though he's suddenly changed.

He's a good man in many ways. I do believe he tries really hard to make things work for our family but he thinks his way is the only way. We have nice nights out together, he helps around the house. He brings me coffee in bed each morning etc etc

I think initially until we lived together, there wasn't anything that mattered that needed to be chsnged. It was only once we'd lived together that things got difficult for me.

Someone asked earlier. Whose kids are they?
If his, his problem.
If yours, then stamp your foot down and tell them to walk home, regardless of who picks them up, or send them on foot to school.

Regarding his weight, and, particularly him mocking your eating, I don't think I'd be able not to say that at least I'm not eating myself to an early grave. It sounds like he's avoiding confronting his own issues and putting you down to feel better about himself.

It looks like you do need to put your foot down and define your boundaries. Don't pander to him.
If he invites his family down, he takes care of them, you go on about your life, for example.My eyes glaze over whenever anyone mentions anything outside the main 3: gay, straight, bi. Everything is a subset of those three.

Pansexual is the same thing as being bisexual. If you're attracted to a trans-person, you're still bi because that person is still either male or female. Even if they're fluid, they're still male or female at any given moment.

I miss the 90's when labels were for soupcans. Now everyone needs their own special sexuality and mental illness to be unique instead of actually doing something unique.
And if it's a problem that he won't respect your needs or opinions, then be upfront that you won't put up with it and decide what will be the last drop.
Start planning for the exit and be clear about it. Maybe he'll get the wake up call, but worst case you'll be in a good position to walk out if you need to.

He isn't in a relationship. He installed you in his house because you were useful. You say he 'helps' around the house - so he kindly 'helps' the woman he installed to clean his house? That's so so good of him. What a saint. He has no respect at all for you.

My husband is very bad at communication and it does cause us problems. He hates conflict and is very passive aggressive. I have come to realise he doesnt delibrately do stuff to annoy me its just like me he is set in his ways.
You cant change someone else, all you can do is change how you react.
As a couple we are slowly learning how to live together, its taken 5 years so far but I dont intend to stop trying to adapt anytime soon and he isnt either.
Relationships need to be worked on. Walking away isnt necessarily the best option.

I dont intend to stop trying to adapt anytime soon and he isnt either.

That's the best way, when both ARE trying.