He hates conflict so he just fobs me off and it's destroying our relationship

[thelongday]

Basically, if I have any sort of issue, I bring it up and explain that whatever it is isn't working for me and can we look at compromising and finding a solution we are both happy with?

I'm always prepared to compromise and listen to him. I repeat things back to him so he knows I have understood.

He sometimes agrees within minutes with me, sometimes he argues, tells me I'm being ridiculous / petty / silly and then agrees the compromise I suggest. I had started to ask him to come up with the compromise so that he doesn't feel like I'm making the decision, as I thought this might be the problem.

The end result is ALWAYS the same. He agrees, but carries on just the same. I point out that he must have "forgotten" our agreement in a kind way and we have another argument where he tells me I'm being petty/ silly / ridiculous / making a fuss over nothing and then he agrees to the original compromise but carries on the same.

Nothing is ever resolved and I suspect, the only reason we are still together is because I just end up "letting it go" or accepting something far less than we agreed.

I seem to be constantly stressed because I never know what is happening in my home life.

Examples are expecting the kids to walk to school and then he picks them up every day or him suggesting he loses weight (I simply pointed out I was worried about his health as he is now clinically obese and on statins) and then he mocks me in front of his friends for eating healthily or inviting his family round when I'd said it didn't suit me..... Loads more, pretty much a daily or weekly issue.

I just want to find a way to get him to be straight with me. I don't believe any promises he makes or even am convinced by any plans he says he's made etc.

You have tried over many years to change him. You have tried different ways to change him. You have learnt that he won't change. That is his character. A healthy relationship is teamwork. If one person is unhappy it's not working. So either end it or settle for it.
I know what I would choose.

Thank you hill farmer.

Why do I put up with it?

Well, I'm starting to see that he SAYS all the right things.

I talk about my values, his are almost identical. So I'm left feeling that I've got a man that believes in the same way of thinking as I do. That's very powerful.

Of course, I'm starting to see that what he DOES doesn't tie in with my values at all and I'm spending a lot of energy reconciling the two!

I'm starting to see that it's all v simple. We agree something together, he then simply does his own thing. He MIGHT make an initial "effort", which throws me a bit, but he never sticks to it. Of course I want to believe he can't help it, then I don't have to face the reality of leaving him.

Day to day life is generally ok. But of course, there's no depth to our relationship because ultimately I can't trust him. When women say "he's my rock" about their partners, I don't have that. I just have someone to talk to about the weather or my work day. Nothing of any substance because I've stopped sharing what I believe in.

You realise of course that he is reflecting back what you want to hear when you talk about values so that you believe there is a real connection and you've met someone who really gets you. That's a seductive force but ultimately meaningless without the actions to back it up.

As I think you've now identified, you've created a fiction of him in your head, and you're beating yourself up to make reality match the fiction.