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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is my darkest hour and I don't see way out. He has another one.

43 replies

MyFuture · 20/10/2015 02:30

So sorry I'm a mess crying. But I cannot talk to anyone in RL, I have noone in RL I can talk to, no support, I'm alone.

After 15 years my love, my best friend, the one I though was always going to have my back told me is 1 year he is having sex with anther woman

Older then me and less good looking than me (like this should make me feel better or it makes any difference). He is not in love with her yet, or he does not know if he is, but she IS.

He has work issues at the moment, his father is very sick and we are ( are we still? I don't know) in a long distance relationship , 2 months ago started been snappy and shouting at me at the phone, because I was putting too much pressure. I dropped everything to get on a plane to spend the night with him but I had to ask, and I got my answer. I'm far away in a different country and she is here with him. She has access

It is not the first time. Actually is the 3rd time. Why do I want him? I love him so much that at 40 I'm here crying for him in the middle of the night.

In front of him I've taken the high road. I might be broken but I will not show him my weakness. No crying, no shouting.

I asked him not to cut me out, to leave me a little room. He says he will. How do I take him back? I know I should cut him out but I CAN'T .He apparently needs time and she is "something away from everything that is not related to all the mess around him."

I'm not making any sense.

Apologies for the typos, its late and I'm crying

So sorry to bother you all

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 20/10/2015 02:45

There is no "CAN'T"- you have agency here, you can do what is sensible and best for you.

Have you been long-distance for all this time?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/10/2015 03:03

Why do you want him? What does he actually do for you? does he come and visit you, or do you always visit him? Does he ever put himself out for you?

This is the 3rd time he's done this, so why, in all honesty, are you asking us how you get past this - you've already done so twice before, just do the same again.

Unless you want help on how to get him out of your life, in which case I'm sure plenty of people will be able to give you good ideas.

ChilledAndPleasant · 20/10/2015 03:08

You can cut him out and you should.

It's not easy- god no- but it can be done.
Take the hands of the ladies on here and you can do it.

When I had myself cut into ribbons by someone, I let myself sob and sob and walked around my flat saying all the things I wished and wanted with him.
I wrote lots and lots in a notebook.
I turned to online friends and anonymous support 'cause I couldn't bear hearing friends and family tell me he was a shit.
You WILL be ok. You were before him and you will be after him.

wotoodoo · 20/10/2015 03:47

I am sorry you feel so low but crying is very good, he has caused you such misery and your mind, body and soul is crying as a reaction to such dreadful behaviour.

Listen to what your body and soul are telling you. One day you will want to look after your body and soul. One day you will want to hold your head high, treat yourself well and one day when you are free of this toxic manpoison and had plety of time to recover you may want to find someone who truly loves you and who treats you well.

In the meanwhile, cry as hard and as long as it takes for you to see sense.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/10/2015 04:58

Older than me and less good looking than me

What a charmer he is - I wonder what he's told her about you? If, in fact, he's bothered to enlighten her about your existence, I suspect that words such as 'obsessed' and 'deluded' tripped off his lying lips as he painted a less than flattering portrait of you.

This man's not your 'best friend' and he'll never have your back because he's firmly focused on the front and rear views of ow. The writing on the wall has been plain to see for a very long time and now it's time for you pull the plug on this serial philanderer.

The saying has it that it's always darkest before the dawn and it's to be hoped that the light will bring you the realisation that you don't love him; you've been in love with the idea of what he could, but never can, be because his moral values do not accord with yours or those of any rightminded soul.

It won't be hard for you to get over him, but the difficulty will be getting over the fact that you've squandered 15 years demeaning yourself time and again because you refused to see him as he really is.

Btw you're not bothering anyone here and while the some of the responses you receive, including my own, may seem harsh or uncaring they are well-intentioned and have your best interests at heart.

Here's a box of Sob away for as long as you want and then hop into the shower and wash that man right out of your hair... feel the water cleansing you of his influence and 'see' him going down the plughole in a swirl of suds to end up in the sewers where he belongs.

magiccatlitter · 20/10/2015 05:36

15 years long distance relationship and nobody has thought to move closer? That's no relationship at all and he is certainly not your best friend. A best friend wouldn't screw you over like he has. Cut your losses on this dead end situation. You'll feel much better when you move on from this using twat.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2015 05:55

I have been exactly where you are op. Exactly. And felt exactly the same. The circumstances are eerily similar.

And you can cut him out. And you should.

Original poster
MyFuture · 20/10/2015 05:56

It has not been 15 years long distance, the first half we were in the same city than work moved him away and then me away. He has been back to our city now and I'm abroad.

We saw each other almost monthly, until 2 months ago talked daily about everything. He was really my best friend

OP posts:
Original poster
MyFuture · 20/10/2015 05:59

It is all too raw now I can not think of myself without him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2015 05:59

Best friends live and support you. They don't continually screw you over op.

He's asked for space. Give it to him.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2015 05:59

*love

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/10/2015 06:00

So what DO you want?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 20/10/2015 06:01

He wasn't really your best friend. That's hiw you saw him, but he wasn't was he?

Original poster
MyFuture · 20/10/2015 06:06

You are right again, your best friend does not screw you over.

God I'm such a cliché

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2015 06:17

Him being in a different country will make it easier.

And trust me, the only way you will do this and get over him is to cut all contact. Don't prolong the agony

Squeegle · 20/10/2015 06:26

I'm sorry you're going through this. And of course you're not a cliche. Let him go though, you are worth more than this disrespect. Agree with the others . Cut contact. Not easy, but will get easier.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 20/10/2015 06:28

He has done this to you 3 times and he is the best friend you have?

He is no friend.

He doesn't care about you at all.

It doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

Do you have other friends or interests.

Stop calling him.
When you feel the need to contact him pick up your phone and talk into it as if you were having the conversation and say everything you want to say.

If he rings you ignore him.

Begin to do things that make you happy, however big or small.

He is a shit.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/10/2015 06:52

He isn't your friend, whatever you choose to do remember that.

You can do what you did the previous times but be prepared to do the same again a little way down the road. Or you can end the relationship and move forward. Trust me it's hard but you do survive, then you get really cross and will wonder why you ever put up with it.

You need to stop endowing him with qualities he doesn't have. he is not your friend.

Original poster
MyFuture · 20/10/2015 15:29

I'm back home now. I saw him this morning. I asked him to keep a little door open for me. His job is on thr line (massive redundancy). He asked me to help him find a job in the city I live.

Don't shout at me I'm so messed up that is will do literally anything to keep him in my life. I love him. So much I cannot breathe.

OP posts:
mix56 · 20/10/2015 15:40

hmmm, no shouting! I'm sorry you are being used in this way, but you are grabbing for straws..... he wants you to find him a job in your town, that's simply Networking. He has probably asked the OW to do the same. There is no guarantee he will keep you in his life. & if he does, is there going to be a 4th & 5th occasion when he cheats ??? Is that how you envisage the future with this man you so love ?

ukgirlatheart · 20/10/2015 15:49

Really sorry you are hurting but he is using you and gosh knows how many more OW.

Sounds like you will turn a blind eye to all this and stay with him until the next time and there will be a next time.

If you stay with him and run to him whenever he calls nothing will change or you could walk away now and start a fresh.

Sounds like the ball is in your court?

BolshierAryaStark · 20/10/2015 16:59

Please take a step back & look at the situation you're in. He is a tosser & was never your best friend, he is now using you & the goodwill he knows you will show him.
Fuck asking him to leave a little space for you, he has done this to you 3 times find your self respect & tell him that actually no, you wont be helping him to find work where you are & it's best if he's as far away as possible. Find your anger OP & stop letting him walk all over you.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 20/10/2015 17:33

This guy is a big TURD. Pack his bags, chuck him out and get yourself a good guy - they ARE out there! Flowers

AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 17:56

No man is worth devaluing yourself like this.

ptumbi · 20/10/2015 19:46

OP - you don't love him. you love what you thought you had; a lover, a best friend, someone who loved you back and you could grow old with.

He is not, and probably has not been for a long long time, that person.

You have been a stopgap, someone just 'there' for when he wants you. You have made him your everything, and he is just not worth it.

Go no contact. Work on yourself without him - it might take time but it will be so worth it in the end.