This is my darkest hour and I don't see way out. He has another one.

[MyFuture]

So sorry I'm a mess crying. But I cannot talk to anyone in RL, I have noone in RL I can talk to, no support, I'm alone.

After 15 years my love, my best friend, the one I though was always going to have my back told me is 1 year he is having sex with anther woman

Older then me and less good looking than me (like this should make me feel better or it makes any difference). He is not in love with her yet, or he does not know if he is, but she IS.

He has work issues at the moment, his father is very sick and we are ( are we still? I don't know) in a long distance relationship , 2 months ago started been snappy and shouting at me at the phone, because I was putting too much pressure. I dropped everything to get on a plane to spend the night with him but I had to ask, and I got my answer. I'm far away in a different country and she is here with him. She has access

It is not the first time. Actually is the 3rd time. Why do I want him? I love him so much that at 40 I'm here crying for him in the middle of the night.

In front of him I've taken the high road. I might be broken but I will not show him my weakness. No crying, no shouting.

I asked him not to cut me out, to leave me a little room. He says he will. How do I take him back? I know I should cut him out but I CAN'T .He apparently needs time and she is "something away from everything that is not related to all the mess around him."

I'm not making any sense.

Apologies for the typos, its late and I'm crying

So sorry to bother you all

Oh, MyFuture, I really feel for you.
The man who had me in ribbons - I thought that the only way I could deal with not being with him would be to move back to my home country away from where I met him.

When you say you have nobody in real life to tell, is that because you are scared of what they would say ('cause you KNOW they would say "leave the bastard") or embarrassed because they have told you before or simply because you are not close to anyone to confide in?

What everyone is saying is true - you ARE worth more, you CAN live without him and, if you try to salvage this and succeed, you WILL be facing this same situation again a few months/years down the line.
It hurts now but will do you and your life a world of good to escape his pull on you now.

This is worth remembering!
The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

Older and less good looking than you, however he has still spent a year investing in her behind your back to the stage where she is in love with him.

That tells you exactly how little he thinks of you in your own words.

I don't need a crystal ball to see that it's merely a matter of time before he meets a woman who he'll claim is the 'love of his life' and he'll marry her and have dc without giving you another thought... until he gets a tad bored with his domestic set up.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his failsafe booty call? Is that how little you value yourself?

Well - if you love him that much then you'll forgive him like you have all the times before, and things will carry on as they are, and he'll do it again next time because he can and because he knows you will let him and still be there for him whatever he chooses to do.

If that's what you want from your life, then you carry on as you are.

HE is never going to change while you allow him to get away with this sort of behaviour, why on earth would he? He has his cake and can eat it over and over again because there is always more cake on offer - there is NO reason for him to change, so he won't.

I couldn't live my life like that.

Don't belittle yourself asking him to leave the door open for you.

Don't you think you deserve better than this? Start to value yourself more and decide what is NOT acceptable for you.

Detaching is always hard, seems impossible. Take your time, get through the hours and then the days.Take long walks leaving your telephone behind.

If you want to, you can and will come through this, but you have to want to.
You have to start to love and care about yourself first, something that he isn't doing!

Aah, I get it op, you just want to vent to sympathetic ears rather than solve anything by taking up the unanimous advice on here.

No doubt you have exhausted any friend or family's patience eh ?

It will happen again and again of course, you know that.

But I must ask you op, why do you want to keep the (toilet) door open for him for him to continually piss and crap on you?

OP please visit www.chumplady.com others on here will back me up it is a lifesaver. This place and that between them will help you through but talking to RL friends or a therapist is important too; don't be isolated or keep his secret. From someone else who's been there too I'm so sorry this is happening to you now but trust that he sucks and get out of this burning house now. When this poisonous man is out of your life you will feel so much better I promise you.

Um... let's all try our best not to be emotionally abusive to the OP? It's a tad unhelpful in the immediate aftermath of discovering infidelity in a 15 year relationship.

The third time? OP, he doesn't respect you at all. Once is a mistake. Three times is using you. Do you really want to stay with him? Emotion aside, logically are you prepared to be cheated on repeatedly? What future do you see for yourself? Do you think he will marry you? Cherish you? Start a family with you and stick with you through very trying times? No OP. I'm sorry but he's a cheat and a wretched man. One year of your life - lied to and used.

You deserve better. Kick him out even if it breaks your heart.

Oh darling, I know it is so tough. It is awful to realise that the person you thought you built a life with is actually not that person at all.

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through, just know that you are worth far more than this

Thank you all. It has not been a good couple of days. I broke down during a meeting at work yesterday, had to leave the room. This morning I was the crazy lady crying all the way on the train to work.

I'm terrified at the prospect of the week end. At least at work I need to function.

someone - it's the third time it's happened, it can hardly be a surprise, eh?

Absolutely do not help him to move his life to where you are.

He's done this three times, he will do it again, and it will hurt so much more when he's right in front of you when it happens. You may think that this is the worst pain possible, but I promise you it will be worse when he's in the same place.

At this point, you have a simple choice.

He cannot be faithful to you, so he will continue to cheat and there is nothing you can do about it.

You can accept that he will never be faithful and stay with him anyway, accepting that you are sharing him and that there is a risk that someone will get pregnant or he will leave when he finds someone he can be faithful to, but knowing that you get him for a little while, at least;

Or you can deal with the pain now, and kick him to the curb. It'll hurt, but it'll be less intense and prolonged than being hurt every time he cheats, and you'll be free to find someone who can love you and be faithful to you, when you're ready to move on.

It's your decision, entirely. If you stay, you'll need to fully accept that he is cheating because otherwise you'll slowly tear yourself apart, and your friends and family will run out of patience hearing that he's hurt you again but you are staying.

At the end of the day, the end will come, and you can either wait for him to end things or do it yourself, but this isn't a "forever" relationship. If you accept that, your path will be clearer.

Look up co-dependant relationships - I could be wrong but I think it might be relevant here.
Either way, this is not a relationship, its him using you for his own gain with no regard for you what so ever. You need to take care of yourself

What has whether it's a surprise or not got to do with anything?

IF it's the first time in 15 years, then = devastating shock, awful revelation, hideous realisation that this man is not who you thought he was etc. etc.

By the 3rd time, it's really just reinforcing that he's a lying faithless bastard, so really not a surprise to anyone.