Advice from people who chose to stay or go?!

[Confusedcake01]

Hi, I'll try and keep it as short as possible. As the title suggests, not sure whether to stay with DH or not.
We've been together for 13 years, married for 5, got a DS (3).
I have lost 3 stone over the last 2 years and, although, back in the day I used to get quite a bit of attention from men, I feel like I have a new lease of life now.
DH is a lovely lovely man, he's very kind, he is a brilliant dad. I'm able to go on girly holidays, out with friends and he's happy for me to go while he hangs out with DS. He gets his fair share of time with friends too so it's not all me! He's very laid back, which is obviously a bonus at times, but there has always been part of me that wishes he has the same drive and ambition that I do. I feel like I do everything to drive our little family forward and I just wish that he could have the urge to want to achieve a bit more in life.
It's even me who initiates things in the bedroom, he admitted that he does wait until I give him the nod! How un sexy!! I get annoyed by him not making the move so don't for ages and it makes me feel resentful.
It's not the first time in our relationship that I felt like this, but somehow I've managed to overcome the feelings and lead a happy life. I feel now though that I have more confidence to not carry on this way. I feel frustration a lot of the time. When I talk to him I feel like he's not registering what I'm saying, and he has a REALLY rubbish memory, he often asks questions about plans we literally just made, I end up snapping at him which I feel bad about but I'm sick of spending my life feeling frustrated. I'd love him to be more assertive, and outgoing and to challenge me.
The thought of leaving him really upsets me. I know he loves me and that it would break his heart. I don't want to break up our family, but I can't help how I'm feeling. I change my mind about staying or going a thousand times a day.
I have spoken to him about how I feel, and he made slight attempts to make things better but I don't think it's in him to make the changes I want. I obviously can't and won't change his personality.
Sorry for going on a bit in the end!
TIA

OK, since you're considering going anyway, is it worth having one last, big, cards-on-the-table discussion with your DH? Be as honest with him as you have been with us, and tell him what dealbreakers these things are for you. As you say, he can;t change his personality, but he may have got more laid back/used to you taking the lead over the years, and that's something he could work on. You may have to be prepared to step back a bit sometimes and it may not all be easy, but is it worth having a go?

You say that in the past you have been able to get over these feelings, but now you have more confidence -- have you stayed this long because you used to feel that you wouldn't find anyone better/didn't deserve more?

Thanks for your reply tigermoll. I know I'm a controlling person and have tried to work on this over the last couple of years. I still find it difficult stepping back because it's been this way for so long and the times which I have tried to ease off I don't feel I can trust him to take charge of things.

I haven't stayed because I didn't think I would find anyone better with added weight. I've always been fairly confident, but I feel now I've changed. We met when I was 22, and now being a bit older, and leaner I feel like I have only one life so why should I live in constant frustration.

The added difficulty for me is I work with a bunch of blokes who are very driven and assertive and unfortunately I'm comparing that to what my husband isn't like all the time. Not a nice thing to do!

You sound quite dismissive of him and although it's true that you can't help how you feel, you can actually frame or reframe where you focus. If you want this relationship to work then why not try counselling?

I imagine your DP would be very upset to read that you think him unambitious, and that you want him to be more assertive and challenging. tbh I think there is a lot to be said for having a partner who works alongside you rather than challenges you. You seem to be falling for the idea that the grass is always greener.

However, your DP deserves to have someone who loves and respects him for who he is, not to be with someone who finds him frustrating. So, for all your sakes, I think you need to be completely honest but being honest isn't about asking a partner to change. If you genuinely aren't sure whether to stay or go then suggest counselling to your DP. If you've already decided (which it sounds like from your post) then tell your DP you want to split up and in the meantime stay away from the blokes at work who seem to be everything your DP isn't because that won't end well

I have a very chilled dh. There are a lotnof advantages. So I'm biased.
But think about what attracted you to him. Does that still hold.
Then think about what it would be like to actually live with a driven and assertive bloke. Would that mean being over ruled and bossed about. Him and his career always coming first. Those girly holidays going because he is being driven and assertive to other commitments? You being left to pick up all the domestic stuff?
Just saying. .its one thing working with that type. Another thing to live with them

Grass is greener? Agree that the alpha male can be very wearing and annoying after a time, especially when you want to do stuff or not want to do stuff and someone else is used to being in charge.

I'd be very careful with this one.

Presumably there were signs of this laid back nature in the 8 years before you married him so you are as much to blame for allowing it to get this far.

He gives you loads of freedom, is great with your son and doesn't sound like a bad person at all. Why does he have to be the one who strives for more. It's doesn't always need two people to do this, many relationships have one dominant partner who drives things forward.

I was married to an alpha male, he was a real mans man, ambitious, successful and driven....he was also
a lying cheating scumbag who screwed more women than you could count while married to me and since leaving hasn't bothered with our children at all!

Has someone turned your head because that seems to be the only thing missing from your post that I expected to see following the weight loss comment.

Hmmm

Clearly you admire your colleagues. Do you compare your OH to all your colleagues or to a specific one?

It reads a bit like you may have settled for your husband, but now that you have lost weight and gone ahead on your career, presumably, you feel you deserve better. Is that very off the mark?

But, consider the alternatives to your current husband:

It's even me who initiates things in the bedroom, he admitted that he does wait until I give him the nod! How un sexy!!
If you think that's unsexy, consider the alternative of a sex pest. If he responds enthusiastically most times you give him the nod, that's perfectly ok in my book.

What kind of things do you think you can't leave to him? He seems to cope well if you leave him to go on holiday.

Also, the alternative of the alpha male, as mentioned. Someone who does take charge instead of you and you have to fight all the way to get in some of what you want.
Particularly in terms of career. Is he ok if you have to work extra hours, or work at home? Would you prefer if he put his career before you and his family, as it's quite possible your driven colleagues do?

Your husband sounds like a lovely man.

If you feel you are too good for him, then leave him, he deserves to be in a relationship with a woman who loves and appreciates him.

You may find the man you think you want is not the kind of man you want to be married to.

I've been married twice, I have lived with two other men in LTR. Due to my, er, extensive relationship history I can categorically say that your DH sounds like the kind of man I should have chosen in the first place.

Do you fancy someone at work. I'm a bit that your DH seems to have been good enough till you lost weight and now you appear to think you can do much better.

He sounds like a lovely husband and father, but you seem so discontented with him I'm not sure whether you really would want to stay, whether he changed or not.

Years ago I knew someone who felt like you; she'd lost weight, decided she deserved more than her husband and children so off she went. Met up with men, had affairs etc but then discovered that the men she was so attracted to weren't committed family men. Result? A very messy divorce, three very unhappy children and the last I heard she is living in a bedsit. Her husband has recently remarried and is blissfully happy, she rarely sees her children.

Poor chap, being compared to all these driven and assertive alpha males, he doesn't stand a chance in your eyes. Perhaps you'd be doing him a favour by leaving as clearly he deserves someone who's more appreciative of what he contributes to the marriage.

Im very driven, always have been
DH is much more laid back and tbh I've found that we have been complementing each other. He has helped me slow down and I've pushed him doing things he would never have done.

I think that when you have that sort if differences you need to fully accept how the other one is. If you spend your time wishing him to be different, you will only grow resentful.
So I'll ask you, why would you want him to be more driven? What would it bring to you and your life? What would you loose if your DH was very driven too?

And last question: I'm getting the feeling you have this idea that a man us supposed to be driven. That to be successful, you have to go and get it and that being successful should be important fur a man. That's an important feature in your 'perfect nan' descrltion(we all gave one, it's just very different from one person to the next)..

My experience with DH is that earning to accept our difference and each other 'weirdiness' is one of the best I have done. It hasn't been easy at all but the strength I hit out if that and how much Ive grown made it worth it.
Whether you chose the 'easy way' of saying you are not compatible or the harder way to make it work and learn about yourself us up to you.

When I talk to him I feel like he's not registering what I'm saying, and he has a REALLY rubbish memory, he often asks questions about plans we literally just made

This must be incredibly frustrating. I know a couple in which the dynamic is similar and the H actually has dyslexia, dyspraxia and ASD. Is it possible your H could be struggling to retain information? I appreciate you probably feel like he just can't be bothered, but there may be an actual cause behind it. With the couple I know, they have developed strategies to get ahead of this, e.g. as soon as she tells him something she prompts him to write it down, diarise it, set a reminder, etc.

She has also encouraged him over the years to become more independent and take the lead more often. It used to be she would get home from work and (for example) find the kitchen flooded - he would deny that he noticed it, but of course he had, he just didn't know what to do, so he left it for her to deal with. That part is getting better, so now he will text her and say "X has happened, what shall I do", and she'll say "What do you think?" and he'll say "....a plumber?" she'll say yes, how to find one, etc.

It has been exhausting at times - for her it's been like raising a child - but they love each other very deeply and so they've made it work.

Thank you for all your messages ladies, I appreciate the honest feedback.

Have dealt with driven and ambitious one. Not worth it, really.

As PPs said, you will be the one to pick up the pieces, why would you do it to yourself?
And they will boss you around, that's for sure.

Maybe look at what made you fall for your DH in the first place and try to rekindle it?!

He sounds like a really decent guy. I would try to work on what you have got. Sparks can be rekindled.

I guess part of it for me is that I would like to not have to think about everything and to organise everything. To let go of the reins a bit. My husband does do stuff when (I want to say) 'told', but realise how that comes across. What I'm trying to say is that I want him to use his own initiative and assert himself.
When I do hold back, things don't get done!
I know writing this that I am part of the problem, we come from opposite ends of the spectrum, he's laid back, I'm driven. I'm pretty easy going generally but when it comes to achieving big stuff in life and being successful I've obviously got a massive chip on my shoulder, perhaps he's not the problem at all, it's me!
This issue has come up every few years over our time together and we've talked about it each time, He's also admitted previously that he could ramp things up a bit. Things are okay for a while, then it ends up the same. This time I feel like I don't want to keep feeling these feelings and that maybe he would be better off with someone who doesn't get so frustrated!

I think you need to be more specific.
You mean in terms of work (say, getting a promotion), or home (e.g. moving), or leisure (such as sorting out holidays)?

In my experience, for most married couples, the woman makes the decisions. I've been married twice, all my friends are married, so is my sister and my parents....in ALL of these marriages, the woman books the summer holidays, works out the finances, makes social arrangements. The men all work and will help out at home, when asked. My DH would happily do chores, but would not do it off his own back. But if I say "please can you hoover" he'll say "sure" (he'd never notice it needed doing tho!!).

Whether you are with a driven alpha male or someone laid back, most men are the same at home (IME).

I think the fact that you got with him at age 22, and you have not been with anyone else in 13 years, has something to do with how you are feeling, tbh. You've been with him so long, it's making you wonder what it would be like to be with a different guy.

I would certainly try to save your marriage, if you can. Divorce is hard and your DS will spend the next 15 years traipsing between 2 homes. You will feel very guilty about all the disruption. Are you ready to carve up his time, meaning every other Christmas you won't see him. Are you ready for your ExH to take him away for 2 weeks in the summer without you (and possibly with Stepmum).

HUGE implications. Just be sure you can't stand being with him, before you leap.

I've really been trying to clarify in my head what's frustrating me so much and tonight is exactly it:
First I just need to say, I'm self employed, DH has a stable but boring (his words) job. I love thinking of new ideas and ways in which we can enhance our lives, i.e. earning enough so DH doesn't have to work in his job.

We sat down to dinner, I started chatting about an idea I've had for a business and the response I got was 'yeah'. That's it. No more conversation, no questions no nothing. I didn't say anything else, I just ate my dinner, and there was no more conversation.
I just felt really disappointed. Amongst other things I love chatting about ideas, planning, chatting about ideas for doing up the house etc and I feel like I'm faced with a brick wall sometimes.
Similarly his interests don't really float my boat, but that's probably my point I feel that we like different things, but for me it's becoming a problem.
When we were first together we had such fun, no ties, out with friends all the time then since DC we obviously aren't out in the clubs having fun!
ILiveAtTheBeach: You're correct, I do feel like we got together when I was young and now I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I think that's exactly it.
I could deal with the other stuff around the house being left to me if we were more on the same wave length, and I didn't feel so empty at times.
I feel as though we got on well before because we both enjoyed going out socialising, now are lives are more based at home, I don't know if we're as compatible. We have family near by so we are really lucky with childcare for nights out.
I just don't know. I think I take it out on the day to day stuff because it's easier to pin my frustration to that.
Sorry I'm rambling now trying to compute in my mind!
That's for all your support and opinions ladies.
x

I think I understand, but if he's not the type to leave his boring job and go for business himself, then he's not. It looks like he actually prefers his boring old job and possibly a stable life without big changes. And he won't change.
How does he respond when you have ideas for your business?

Or was that idea for you?

He doesn't generally respond particularly well to be honest. He seems to not be that interested. Although he listens (well I think he's listening! ;)) it just all seems so stilted at times, no banter, no questions just the standard agreeing response.

I think it's something I'm going to have to come to terms with, he's a good, stable man. Chilled out, lets me do my own thing when I want, a great daddy. He has great qualities. I just feel we've actually not got the same interests. It worries me that as time goes on I'll be resentful and we'll head on the path of just living together. Which is not what I would want from a marriage.
Or maybe I'm expecting too much!! ;-)

The way you are describing your DH reminds me of my own DH (he has AS). I can relate to the no conversation and the not getting excited about things that doesn't interest him.

However, we did find a way to be happy together. In particular, what stands out is the fact we are sharing the same ideal for our life and how to live it. We're both not keen on technology, prefer simple things rather than extravagant ones etc. that has been really important.

I would really recommend this book to help you get a clearer idea.

I think I understand where you are coming from. Are you saying that you don't feel connected to him emotionally?? and it's affecting intimacy??

Thank you PacificMouse, I've had a look on Amazon for the book. It also recommended 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' so will have a read of that too.
I am really grateful for everyone taking the time to reply and advise. Even just this little bit of being able to offload some thoughts instead of things rattling round in my head has made a really big difference.