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Original poster

he doesn't want a relationship, next move? should I say that I don't want casual sex

43 replies

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 12:52

This is such an old story, wise ones will be rolling their eyes. I met a man who says he is not looking for a relationship. I believe him, won't attempt to change his mind. There is a connection, compatibility and a chemistry there. We have met up twice and he's texting, and we're arranging to meet up a third time. I haven't communicated to him in the same direct fashion however that I would never have casual sex with somebody who wasn't at interested in the possibility of the relationship working out. I would do that, I'm not afraid to say that, it seems a little premature to say it when he's not tried to kiss me, hug me, nor sent any flirty texts. Should I clarify that I'm not going to sleep with him or would that be so inappropriate when he hasn't said anything flirtatious or done anything physical. But friends move slower than this I suspect. This doesn't feel like ''friends''. I think he's really interesting and attractive and I would have a relationship with him if he wanted one. So.... I should be careful I guess. He sounds like he has lots of friends.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/10/2015 12:55

Why waste your time? It shouldn't be this hard. It's supposed to be fun. I'd move on. Just say you've had a good time, but you're looking for a relationship and wish him the best of luck.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 12:56

It is fun! He's good company and really interesting and there's a spark, which I enjoy, even if I'm not acting on it..

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 19/10/2015 12:57

It sounds like he enjoys your company butnwants nothing more? If he tries to get sex and you don't want to, then you should mention it. I don't think it needs spelling out tbh, you would spell that out if your new friend was a woman would you? I'd enjoy the friendship as a purely platonic one.

That's how i see it a least Smile

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 12:58

I may end up saying that to him, but not yet. I wouldn't cut a really nice person out of my life so hastily. A player, cad, bounder, tosser - yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 12:59

Yes thanks seeyounearertime It isn't an issue unless he suggests sex.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/10/2015 13:02

I'd be very careful - I probably wouldn't tell him that you don't want casual sex unless that is suggested at some point, but I'd put my guard up and see him less.

You're in prime position to get hurt wanting a relationship when he doesn't. You'll read into everything thinking that it means something, he's getting close to you, etc, when he thinks he's made it clear that this is just a friendship.

99% of people who say they don't want a relationship miss out the "with you" from the end, too. Make sure you don't break your own heart if he suddenly acquires a girlfriend.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 13:05

Right. As harsh as it sounds, I may end up having to say to him, look, you want a friend and I want a relationship so this isn't good for me. I can nearly see in to the future anticipating that conversation. I will say it when the time is right though. I just don't want to be too hasty though because he's not a chancer or a player.

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ZenNudist · 19/10/2015 13:16

Sounds confusing. How did you meet? If not through OLD or similar then can't you just treat him as a new friend? Keep dating other guys and be upfront this is what you're doing. If you are able to put him in the friend zone then do that. Just don't start to secretly fancy him and spend ages mooning around after him not acknowledging that you want to be more than friends.

0dfod · 19/10/2015 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleBanana · 19/10/2015 13:22

He doesn't want a relationship. You do.

So why waste your time with him?

You say you won't try and change his mind. But I think that by hanging in there and spending emotional energy on him, that's exactly what you're hoping will happen, if you're really honest with yourself.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 13:27

I think, because I've had to do it so many times in the past, I could do a mental gear change and just readjust......... be friends. Go out on dates with other men. I would like male friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 13:28

odfod fair point I guess. How would I know.

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Igelei · 19/10/2015 13:29

I think if you continue this association, you're likely to get very frustrated.

I've been there both ways round, and the person who would have a relationship if it was on offer, always gets fed up and either gives up on the whole shebang, or gets angry because the other one is acting like they do but won't commit.

I would seriously suggest you walk away and find someone equally nice who might be up for being your partner.

Igelei · 19/10/2015 13:32

Ps when I was in his situation, I definitely, definitely did not fancy the guys in question. I enjoyed the flirting and the closeness and so on, but knowing they wanted more was not comfortable, and it felt a bit mean once I realised how much they were holding back.

It's basically an unkind thing to do, and he should step away even if you don't.

Last time I was in your position it went on being the 'best I could do' for a couple of years before I just stopped seeing him completely...no calls, no texts, no meet ups, no childcare Hmm nothing.

Hes still bemused about it to this day I think. But dealing with mixed signals is awful and very draining, and ultimately, a total waste of time. He will never fancy you if he doesn't now.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 19/10/2015 13:42

just enjoy his company as a friend and see what develops. If he pushes for sex then say no not unless its a relationship and just stay friends. In all likelihood if he is feeling the same as you about the connection this friendship could just naturally morph into being a relationship, that often happens from a friendship and goes on to be a very strong relationship because of being friends.

NumbBlaseCold · 19/10/2015 13:47

I think you are wasting your time when you could be dating or at least open to dating other men who do want a relationship with you.

You both like the attention, the flirting, the fun but given you want a relationship you may find yourself hoping sex would change him.

A lot of people fall into the trap of liking so much they believe sex will create the connection and outcome they want and feel.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 13:57

I won't suspend dating other men! I do realise that if I want to get a relationship, I won't get that by investing hours in to a man who definitely doesn't want one. At the same time, it'd be a bit hasty to lose the (potential) friendship of somebody I connect with already, and without sex

so......... nothing further to add, for now! I'm wary and will guard my heart.

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spudlike1 · 19/10/2015 13:58

Give it month ..you'll end up.sleeping with him ...he however will.still not want a relationship with you. You'll be hurt and cross .. his answer will be that he was straight with you from the start ... and he was .
MOVE ON NOW if a serious relationship is what you are after ..life is too short .
Be honest with yourself

spudlike1 · 19/10/2015 13:59

You like him a lot and you hope you can change his mind ....

BloodontheTracks · 19/10/2015 14:01

Possibly he's 'just not that into you.'
Did he say he's not looking for a relationship before or after you met? I mean as in is it his status on a dating site? If it is something he said to you since you met then he's possibly involved with someone else or doesn't think you're right for him but wouldn't be against some physical fun. Either way, I would try to stop second-guessing his motives and over-thinking because you're more invested in the situation than him and that could be painful.

LovelyFriend · 19/10/2015 14:05

for you the "connection" means friendship maybe more.
For him "connection" will hopefully lead to no strings sex.

No matter how lovely he is, he doesn't want a relationship. And you do. So any energy, emotional or otherwise you send his way will mean there is less available for you re looking for an actual boyfriend/relationship.

I think while you are single, these guys are a waste of your time. If you want no strings sex/fun, or if you were in a relationship and wanted a new friend - it would all be good.

But as things stand he is really just going to hamper you/distract you from looking for what you really want.

(I bet his "I don't want a relationship" stance would change in a heartbeat when the "right" woman came along.)

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2015 14:06

As harsh as it sounds, I may end up having to say to him, look, you want a friend and I want a relationship so this isn't good for me.

I think that this is a conversation that you need to have with yourself. Not with him. You don't need his input on what is good for you, and it's not going to make him suddenly change his mind.

He has made his position clear. By continuing to flutter around him, when you already know that you both want different things, you are only going to get burned, I'm afraid.

Spare yourself the pain and the lost time, and choose to walk away now from an inevitable disaster. Yes, it's a shame he doesn't want more when you think he's scrumptious and alluring. It's a shame. It's the reality, though.

Twinklestein · 19/10/2015 14:11

Either he's genuinely not looking for a relationship or he is but he doesn't want one with you.

I can't see what's in this for you, unless you simply want him as a friend, which is fine, but you might as well say so now.

You could say: 'You're not looking for a relationship, I am, so we're not on the same page, but I'm happy to be friends'.

I don't see the point of wasting time on this.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 15:05

Some of the posts are a bit extreme here!! Also, I'm not wasting energy or time. And I'm not thinking he'll change his mind and I've no plans to attempt to make him change his mind. Also, the advice that I need to have this conversation with myself! OK, so this thread doesn't feel aimed at ME any more.

I'm pretty canny. Very self-aware. Not about to go down any path that would be bad for me. I'm sure I'm not the first person to have to erect a few boundaries, re-draw the lines when it comes to a new friendship. I thing advice to just cut him off at the first hurdle is too extreme in the circumstances (him being a potentially good friend and me being well able to 'let go' and change gear and date others. I can see it might be necessary for other people to do that, but I need more interesting people in my life more than I need assistance maintaining self-respect and good boundaries.

So thanks all! For now.

OP posts:
Igelei · 19/10/2015 16:20

Look tbh your posts are a bit confusing especially the first one. It half reads like a question and half like you're just thinking out loud.

Because of the way you have constructed the sentences it isn't quite clear what you want us to say, or indeed what you want from the relationship/friendship/however you define it.

If you want him as a friend, then no, don't specify that you don't want to have sex. See what he does. If he tries to initiate sex, then refuse and say you didn't think he wanted a relationship and therefore you weren't expecting to have sex with him, and don't wish to.

If he doesn't then don't mention it, just continue being friends within your own boundaries and expectations of what that means.

There is the chance that by saying what he wants, or doesn't want, more specifically, he was hoping you would clarify your own intentions too. But you didn't, so he doesn't know where you stand and it is ossible he will be expecting some no-commitment sex with you, particularly if it 'doesn't feel like a friendship'.

It's up to you whether you say anything and at what point you say it, but I wouldn't at this stage. There is no need to and if he wasn't expecting sex then it might be awkward.