Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he doesn't want a relationship, next move? should I say that I don't want casual sex

43 replies

F0xChat · 19/10/2015 12:52

This is such an old story, wise ones will be rolling their eyes. I met a man who says he is not looking for a relationship. I believe him, won't attempt to change his mind. There is a connection, compatibility and a chemistry there. We have met up twice and he's texting, and we're arranging to meet up a third time. I haven't communicated to him in the same direct fashion however that I would never have casual sex with somebody who wasn't at interested in the possibility of the relationship working out. I would do that, I'm not afraid to say that, it seems a little premature to say it when he's not tried to kiss me, hug me, nor sent any flirty texts. Should I clarify that I'm not going to sleep with him or would that be so inappropriate when he hasn't said anything flirtatious or done anything physical. But friends move slower than this I suspect. This doesn't feel like ''friends''. I think he's really interesting and attractive and I would have a relationship with him if he wanted one. So.... I should be careful I guess. He sounds like he has lots of friends.

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 19/10/2015 16:29

I agree with BloodOnTheTracks. The key is what he said his intentions were before you met. And what he says on his profile.

bodenbiscuit · 19/10/2015 16:30

Of course, there is always the possibility that he's married or already attached. There are PLENTY of those on dating sites.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 16:31

My posts aren't at all confusing Confused The question was, should I bring up the fact that I won't have casual sex, before it is necessary and I've decided I won't.

My issue is just one of timing really and the balance between not losing somebody who could be a good friend, against being mindful of your own feelings.

OP posts:
Igelei · 19/10/2015 16:38

I disagree; I found it very hard to understand your first post especially the bits with no punctuation or misplaced punctuation.

Nevertheless I've done my best to answer what I think your question is and I hope my advice might be helpful.

chelle792 · 19/10/2015 16:42

I'm confused! Not with you, op, but with all of the advice to move on.

You don't need to move on. You guys can be friends. Just don't sleep with him!

verystressedmum · 19/10/2015 16:43

You want a relationship with him and he doesn't want one with you. You could just be friends but that might not work out as you like him as more than just friends.
However, telling him that you won't have sex with him when he's not given you any reason to think that he wants to have sex with you would be a bit strange imo.

cozietoesie · 19/10/2015 16:52

...You like him a lot and you hope you can change his mind...

I agree. It sounds as if you're secretly hoping that you'll turn out to be the one for him - if only he gets to know you a little.

How would you feel if you saw him out with (and all over) another woman?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/10/2015 16:56

I think the issue is, you're taking his "I don't want a relationship" to mean he does want a friendship. Most other posters are spot on perhaps unfairly assuming it means he does want casual sex rather than a sexless friendship.

Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 17:09

czietoesie what on earth is that conclusion based on. Certainly not based on what I've said.

chelle792 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT POST! Brew I expressed myself clearly so some of the responses are a mystery to me. But I know what to do/not do.

OP posts:
Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 17:12

He's not married. {sigh} This thread wasn't exciting enough. That was the real confusion.

OP posts:
Original poster
F0xChat · 19/10/2015 17:14

Igelei My first post was clear. It is not badly punctuated. left out one 'I'. But re-reading it, it is not unclear. I've left out a few commas, perhaps, but in your post to reprimand my poor punctuation, you have also omitted a few commas in my opinion.

OP posts:
Igelei · 19/10/2015 17:19

I understand now what you were asking, and have tried to answer, but you're not interested, or polite enough to say thanks.

Your grammar and punctuation is quite dodgy and if you want people to understand what you write, you should probably look at that.

I think most people have jumped to conclusions because you didn't make it clear, but instead you write us all off as though we were just being obtuse.

That's not fair and I have to point it out because it's wrong.

Anyway, I will leave you to it now as this is a waste of my time.

LovelyFriend · 19/10/2015 17:21

Oh so you wanted us to tell you that you can be "just friends" with him? Thank goodness chelle came along to tell you what you wanted to hear. (I thought you already knew that)

Yes of course you can be friends with him. It will work out much better if you don't really fancy him and you don't want deep down to have a committed relationship with him. And as long as he isn't angling to casually shag you all the time, until he meets the woman he does want to have a committed relationship with, it will be just fine.

Certainly don't say "I don't want to have causal sex with you" - basically this means I want to have non-causal sex with you, i.e. I want to have sex with you.

Igelei · 19/10/2015 17:22

Crossed posts.

I stand by what I said; would you like me to correct your OP for you? I can do that if you wish, but really, you will probably argue that black is white for the whole evening, so I would rather not.

Zucker · 19/10/2015 17:28

Just beware he's not setting you up for the whole "You're so different I could really see myself with someone like you" scenario. You sleep with him on the back of this as it looks like things may be progressing and hey presto after sex he reverts to his original position of no relationship.

Your next date/meeting will be telling as to his intentions I think.

spudlike1 · 19/10/2015 23:25

Own up foxy you fancy the pants of him

lavenderhoney · 19/10/2015 23:41

Personally I wouldn't bother. Life's too short and I could be having dinner or cocktails with someone who actually gave damm about me.

I certainly wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who had the audacity to tell me I was alright for dinner but not for breakfast, as it were.

Scremersford · 20/10/2015 12:30

Just to give another side of the coin. I knew a man like this, he said he didn't want a relationship, etc, all the things you say above, didn't really chase. Somehow we ended up dating, I had to initiate a lot of the dates. Somehow we ended up sleeping together. Then again and again. And somewhere down the line we found ourselves in a very happy relationship. At first he was awkward and used to pull back, but I found out that if I sulked and refused to get in contact with him, he would basically start running around after me. The attraction is very strong and we also get on very well, but I think some men are wary of getting pulled into a relationship with someone they can't see a future with. Sometimes if someone is very special to you, its worth the risk.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread