Beard gate

[PurpleElla]

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have three children together (4,6 and 8). Our relationship has always been temperamental, as we have communication issues. I have aspergers and have meltdowns and say mean things. He is emotionally very closed off, and tends to be moody when stressed.

This time last year I had an EA which I told my husband about very quickly, it lasted around six weeks and we went to Relate, which has helped a little but not completely. The reason (no excuses) for the EA was feeling disconnected for a really long time, and it was not planned.

Our sex life sucks, has always sucked. We were making an effort to make it better in May/June/July when Relate finished. Then in August he decided to grow a beard. I find the beard intolerable, it feels like a brillo pad on my face when he kisses me and I haven't wanted to be intimate with him because of that.

I have explained this to him, and that I won't be initiating anything whilst the beard remains. He said he wants to experience having a beard. He's had it for nearly three months now. TBH him choosing the keep the beard feels like rejection, since it's clearly more important to him than being intimate with me.

I don't handle communicating with him particularly well, and I know I am unreasonable regularly but I am really trying to do better. I'm really not sure what to make of his decision to keep the beard, as we were in such a rocky patch it seems like bad timing.

Thoughts?

Your relationship has always been temperamental
Your sex life has always sucked
You have communication issues
You've had an EA
He's grown a pathetic beard

I'm feeling like it might be the best thing to call it a day and both of you find other partners with whom you'd be happier.

I understand where you're coming from, I'm actually in a similar ish situation. In my case the issue is smoking. He started up again, and I find the smell revolting (more so than most, I think, very strong sense of smell).
As a result, he sleeps in the spare room, due to the smell and because smoking has meant he snores again now and I can't sleep through it.
He calls me intolerant (I strongly suspect I have aspergers, considering seeking a diagnosis)

Do you think there's a possibility that you're focusing a lot on the beard, hoping that things will be better when it's gone? It sounds like there are bigger problems than his facial hair. I really do get how you feel though

I've got sensory issues and I'm on the spectrum so I sympathise. I'd no more want to kiss a guy with a beard than lick a dustbin. Obviously it's his body and he can do what he wants with it but as he knows how much it negatively affects you it does seem like he's effectively putting a barrier between you.

To be honest I'm surprised you've lasted this long together, it doesn't sound a particularly satisfying relationship. Are you still hoping to work things out?

Thanks, yes still hoping to work things out. The thing is between the temperamental bits we have a good time.

We get on well, when neither of us is stressed, we have a laugh and we enjoy time together. Also he's a fantastic Dad to the kids, and is very devoted to our family and we have lovely family time together too. He does his share around the house.

I wonder whether I can live without intimacy, it's never been that great but I still live in hopes that it could be satisfying with more effort on both our parts.

I also wonder how much I contribute to our issues. I am 'hard work' I've only recently been diagnosed with ASD, and can be incredibly temperamental. He doesn't handle it well, always getting defensive, and not really understanding the best ways to calm me down when I get anxious, despite years of trying to sort that aspect. He often responds with anger, which inflames everything.

I think it's possible I'd have the same issues in any relationship so would rather make the one I have with my children's father work than move on.

Maybe he is not ready to be intimate with you after your EA and this is his way of putting a barrier up.

In all honesty if you still have so many issues in your relationship after so many years do you really think it's likely that things could change?

Lunar1:- possible but we were doing ok in June/July this year and having regular sex so why would that have changed. The EA was in October last year.

Pinkyredrose:- Yes I do because I have to, do you honestly think throwing it all away and becoming an unemployed, ASD single Mum is better than trying to work things out with DH who I love and with whom there have been very good times?

To add I have no local family support (Dad is dead and estranged from my Mum). We have recently bought our first house together, finally getting out of rental, and this financial security for the future is very important to me. Also obviously since he's a great Dad my children would struggle with a split.

Have you told him that choosing the keep the beard feels to you like he is rejecting you? What did he say?

Yes aginghippy I told him gently initially and then less gently this weekend. He got angry, then I got angry and we had a fight. After this we have sort of settled into normal life and been ok but for me it's still hanging in the air.

I know he feels that I am always convinced that people will give up on me eventually, and is possibly tired of reassuring me. My background (alcoholic abusive father and cold distant Mum) has left me with a lot of hang ups.

He's perfectly entitled to do what he wants with his own body (grow a beard), and you are perfectly entitled to do what you want with your own body (not shag any bearded men).

You feel rejected, I understand that. But feeling something does not necessarily make it true. It's entirely possible that his own beard on his own face is not a personal slight against you. What do you think?

The beard, however, is not the issue here. You don't seem to be very close to each other, nor have you been for a while (affair). If you really loved and fancied him, you would shag him, beard or no beard - avoiding his face, if the sensory issue is that problematic for you.

I suggest that you just don't like him all that much, really, and don't want to shag him all that much, really, and therefore small annoyances like beards get blown out of all proportion. Does that have any ring of truth to it?

RiceCrispieTreat you are slightly right, however as I have ASD the beard is genuinely a sensory issue, think nails on a chalk board. I have considered a shag whilst avoiding face but (and perhaps I'm being silly) I honestly can't work out how that's possible without being incredibly awkward.

I can honestly say that earlier in the year we had some sex that we both really enjoyed, showing me that it's possible for us to rekindle. The beard is now getting in the way of that progress.

I do agree about his entitlement to grow a beard, just feel it's a shame that this is more important than us reestablishing closeness.

The EA happened due to me misinterpreting a friendship with a man which got out of hand, probably due to my ASD. I ended it as soon as I realised and told hubby.

Is the beard his cowardly way of ending the relationship. He can't force out the words, so he's leaving you to figure it out slowly.

I understand your feelings OP.
My ex DP cultivated dreadlocks because he knew that I hated them and he wanted to show his disregard for me.

It worked and I am happy to be shot of him now - it was a 6yr relationship with DCs and stepchildren so very difficult but glad to be away from him.

OK, then it sounds like you need to have a conversation where you tell him this: "him choosing the keep the beard feels like rejection, since it's clearly more important to him than being intimate with me."

(Perhaps rephrasing the "clearly more important" to " I feel that this must be more important")

Be kind and respectful, and see whether a good dialogue is opened.

Good luck.

Don't think so Foxchat, he's been very clear that he's in it for the long haul and wants to make it work.
Crispie, I've had that conversation with him several times over the last few months. The beard is still there. What next>

Ok, sorry for suggesting that. I had a friend who tried to get out of a relationship, was bullied in to staying in it and he put on about four stone. I wondered if it was that situation.

SO, I guess it's asserting himself, and on this point, the beard / asserting himself is more important to pandering to your preference. (as he would see it).

I agree with others that maybe you just don't like him that much. I wouldn't notice men on the street so much if they had beards, they don't catch your eye so much, but if a man I was already in to grew one I wouldn't mind.

My OP of a year has recently grown a beard. It's not for me at all however I refuse to express an opinion either way, I'm going the route of giving no attention to it !! However, his beard is nice and soft and not scratchy so it's not unpleasant. When my ex grew one it was sharp and really unpleasant. I think that make a a difference.

FoxChat- I think people are getting the wrong idea. I have absolutely no problem with the look of the beard, and even if I did I think he should wear a beard if he wants to and it doesn't make me fancy him less. I have ASD and sensory processing issues, to me the feel of the beard is extremely unpleasant hence the issue. If a man you were already into grew something on his face that felt painful and unpleasant when he kissed you I'd imagine you would mind?

Threefishys That's definitely the problem, his hair is very course and scratchy, otherwise I'd be leaving him to it, his face after all.

So can anyone advise me on the best course of action. So far I'm thinking I either:-

Ignore the beard, live without sex for a while and hope he stops digging his heels in soon. Try not to take it personally.

or

Try again to calmly explain why it's an issue to me and why his attitude towards it is making me feel rejected.

What do you think?

Apologies purpleella I know how frustrating it is when you start a thread and people seem to fill in their own details and see something different from the issue you actually have.

You need to explain it to him. Make time for a proper uninterrupted chat. If he's still not willing to get rid of it then I'm sorry but the relationship may be at an end. You both sound terribly unhappy imho

Would it be better sensory wise if it was nice and soft or is it just a total turn off? I'm pretty sure you can use condition and stuff on beards to soften them up

All other things ignored I could not be intimate if DH grew a beard, even the prickles from the stubble are just hideous. Sorry but I'm not going to endure pain every time we kiss!

Thanks FoxChat, yes exactly.
ThreeFishys - yes it would be better if it was soft, I've suggested beard conditioner and he said no, he's very much a men don't use products kind of guy.

To those who say we seem terribly unhappy, yes there's a lot of truth in that.

The thing is I know that the combination of ASD and a very difficult childhood has left me all kinds of screwed up. I assume everyone will get fed up and leave eventually. I am also very temperamental. Since recently discovering I have ASD and getting a diagnosis I have realised the error of my ways so to speak. I tend to think whoever I was with I would have most likely ended up in this kind of situation due to the way I've handled things.

I need to learn better methods of communication. I am massively committed to taking this new diagnosis and understanding and improving myself and my life. Thinking more positively and learning to deal with others better.

I am lucky in that my husband loves me very much and has stuck with me throughout. So I'm grateful to still have a chance to sort things out and build a loving and happy relationship with the Father of my children. Am I crazy?

on a very practical level to ease the scratchiness, can you suggest some proper beard soap and beard oil? it makes a genuine difference to the texture of the hair. i speak as a long term sufferer - my DP has a beard sea captains would be proud of and has resisted my efforts to have it shorter. you can buy some very manly products:

hudsonmadeny.com/products/the-beard-shave-soap-trio

www.lookfantastic.com/proraso-beard-oil/11084204.html?utm_source=googleprod&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=gp_bodycare&affil=thggpsad&switchcurrency=GBP&shippingcountry=GB&gclid=CjwKEAjwzJexBRCa_pGo8IK0ilASJABfGldb8NN9B3UTYgY52hFxtFFkDsdRJoXz4QFNIt0LfUFiPRoCLkXw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CIKCjM3K0cgCFUhO2wod4wUF6w

i can personally vouch for how good the beard oil smells.