Beard gate

[PurpleElla]

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have three children together (4,6 and 8). Our relationship has always been temperamental, as we have communication issues. I have aspergers and have meltdowns and say mean things. He is emotionally very closed off, and tends to be moody when stressed.

This time last year I had an EA which I told my husband about very quickly, it lasted around six weeks and we went to Relate, which has helped a little but not completely. The reason (no excuses) for the EA was feeling disconnected for a really long time, and it was not planned.

Our sex life sucks, has always sucked. We were making an effort to make it better in May/June/July when Relate finished. Then in August he decided to grow a beard. I find the beard intolerable, it feels like a brillo pad on my face when he kisses me and I haven't wanted to be intimate with him because of that.

I have explained this to him, and that I won't be initiating anything whilst the beard remains. He said he wants to experience having a beard. He's had it for nearly three months now. TBH him choosing the keep the beard feels like rejection, since it's clearly more important to him than being intimate with me.

I don't handle communicating with him particularly well, and I know I am unreasonable regularly but I am really trying to do better. I'm really not sure what to make of his decision to keep the beard, as we were in such a rocky patch it seems like bad timing.

Thoughts?

Hey, I think you're crazy because I love beards!!
On a serious note, you need to compromise. He wants the beard and to have intimacy with you than he needs to groom it so it's not scratchy. He's being daft saying he won't, beard products are very popular now. No coconut scents in sight!!
Are you having therapy to talk about some of your intimacy issues (therapy on your own that is) I don't think you should consider a future without intimacy, you said there was improvement so it's worth the effort.
Sorry for your rubbish past and diagnosis. How long have you been diagnosed? It can take time, once diagnosed, to get the support and understanding you need. It's good that you're open and honest about your feelings, you just need to compromise and resolve them.

rockabilly - not wanting to be rude, but you clearly don't understand about sensory issues.

Yes I do actually. After reading all the very serious advice I wanted to be a bit light hearted!
Sorry if I offended!

Not offended at all here Rockabilly, I thought your message was supportive and I took it in the way you intended. There's no way DH will use any products though and trying to get him too will probably result in argument. He has said he's not keeping the beard but it's still there. I was diagnosed only three months ago so it's very early days.

I also love a beard on a man but I do sympathize that it does not appeal to you. Perhaps your husband might be amenable to you buying and applying some conditioning agents to his beard yourself? You could make a fun evening out of it. Although, given your hard feelings towards him, you may not really be in the mood for that.

Or send him to one of those new hipster-y barber shops where he can get some beard care, in an environment that is decidedly masculine, if that matters to him.

I know this only addresses a tiny portion of what is going on for you. I just think sex and romance is essential in a healthy marriage and without it things will crumble.

Best wishes...