DH has struck up friendship with v.pretty single girl!!

[insy]

Ok I need to know whether I'm being neurotic. My DH has struck up a friendship with a (v.pretty, single) girl from work. She's now left his work actually but he has seen her once for lunch (to help brainstorm her new business idea), she's been round to ours a few times (loves my DD and makes a big fuss of her), has stayed for dinner once and now tonight I had a call from my DH telling me that he was going to pick her up tonight and was it ok if she stayed for something to eat. The thing is she is a very nice person and we get on fine but there is something about this whole thing which (rightly or wrongly) makes me uncomfortable. I trust my dh implicity and it's not that I think he is having an affair or even wants to have an affair - I just think he probably fancies her. I mean why wouldn't he? She's extremely pretty, good fun, very nice blah blah blah. I just find myself wandering whether it's ok for him to have a friend who he may well fancy although I don't think for a minute he wants it to go any further. (we generally have a great marriage, relationship ect) What do you think fellow mumsnetters? Would this kind of relationship bother you?

OK, the obvious question - how do you feel about you at the moment? If my dp was lunching with a nice young gorgeous thing I wouldn't suspect him of anything more than the odd appreciative glance (although I'd bet the farm he'd do that!); but I'd still feel crap. Because like a lot of mothers of small children, I don't really feel at my most gorgeous, shall we say. And that is about me, not about him or this potential other young filly. Does that ring a bell for you?

fraid it would probably bother me... but I feel old tired and generally rubbish... so anyone young would probably make me feel like that...
Don't spose that's much help... but maybe if you felt better about yourself you wouldn't see her a threat?
tbqh I don't like the sound of this "friendship" think like you - something not quite right.
Hope that someone else tells you something you want to hear.

I wouldnt like it one bit, I would probably invite the milkman in just to show how it feels if the shoes on the other foot! BTW my milkman is very old and looks like he is into crossdressing and lipstick...but you know what i mean.
If your not happy with it then you have to say something, does he share lunches and invite home the old hags of the office?

It would bother me a great deal and I don't think you are being neurotic at all .Even if dh is not having an affair he is showing another female his affections/attention and that would make alot of women uncomftable.Do they flirt around each other?

Its probably totally innocent, but I know if it were me I keep a very close eye on the situation through sheer paronoia, sad as that may be. Sounds like you have a lovely hubby who you can trust, Im not helping really am I.

I would absoloutely hate it!!

But would be inclined to be very grown up aboutit and not say anything. As long as he tells you when hes sees her and hes not hiding anything then I'd just keep an eye on things. But I would always encourage them to discuss things over dinner AT HOME with me there, and I would be always looking to catch him out.

Which I suppose isnt very grown up at all and will undoubtably lead to rows anyway and encourage him to go off with her as he can no longer talk to me!!

Oh, dont listen to me...I think I'm making things worse - sorry

It's not like I feel totally crap about myself or anything. Yes I get really tired and feel washed out, drained etc etc but I consider myself quite attractive so it's not really about my self image. The thing is I was just wandering how I'd feel if he, for example, invited her to the house when I wasn't there. Now of course if it was just any friend then that would be fine but in this girls case, that would definitely make me feel uncomfortable. I think my heart would drop - maybe that's unfair on her. She's really nice. I just feel a pang inside - I can't help it, it's a gut reaction.

You're not alone Insy - I think most mumsnetters would feel the same. Maybe try to get her to become your friend too?

sorry, going to be blunt, but don't think it is right! Please ask him in a roundabout way if he minds if you ask xxxxx around and you're going for lunch with him this week (xxxxx being any male you work with/know) think he might get a bit suspicious.

Awww I know how you feel insy. Dp's an actor, and he had to do this show where he had to kiss this girl and have a threesome with her involved (obviously not a proper one lol) and he's always on about this girl, so I get quite jealous.

I told dp how I felt, and that the way things are going, it makes me feel like he fancies her etc. but then he told me when I was honest with him that it made him love me more!

Another mumsnetter was in a similar problem, and I told her to be honest with her dp, and when she was, he said the same to her, as my dp said to me. That it made him love her more. Maybe you could try talking to your dh about it, and how it's slightly bothering you.

Sorry if Im not much help. xx

Oh I dunno, I don't think I'd be thrilled if my dp did this. Although I trust him I'd wonder why he wanted to start a new friendship that was a) not me or some other long standing friend b) not another man or c) with someone pretty, single and childless. Lunch sounds innocent but hmmm. Hmmm again. I wouldn't like it but am probably insecure old baggage. Would your dh be ok if it was the other way round? My dp doesn't have time for lunch with pretty single gurlies, thankfully

Hope you don't mind, but I read out your post to my dh, cos I wondered about it from a male perspective.

"He's playing with fire" was the response.

I wish if I was in the situation, I could be totally cool about it, because as you say, I trust dh etc etc. But, I know it would make me feel very uncomfortable and I'd need to talk to dh before the way I felt about it began to fester.

I'm sorry, but I would put a stop to this. Trust your sixth sense because if you are having alarm bells ringing and not acting upon them then something might just happen - if you get my drift. You have to tell him you are feeling this way and for what it's worth, I son't think men and women can ever be 'friends' if there is an element of physical attraction there because it will always get in the way. In my previous unmarried life I had plenty of 'friends' which went that extra stage because there was an attraction. Talk to him about it straight away!

I have to be honest and say that it would probably bother me, even if I didn't think there was anything to it. On the other hand, when I was married I worked in an office that was mainly men, and I developed some very close friendships with some of them, including some definite flirting. It's just part of spending so much time together.

The good thing here is that your husband is including you in the friendship.

I think the best course of action would be to grin and bear it.

Hope you don't mind a male point of view. I think friendships come and go throughout our lives, particularly with people from work. It's not uncommon to keep in touch with work colleagues, then find that the most you had in common was that you worked for the same company. The friendship naturally drifts off through no one's fault. Im not saying it will or won't, but chances are, over time, the friendship will tale off. However, I think a "light" chat (i.e. not heavy!) with dh would be a good idea.

i can see it from both points of view, on the one hand i probably wouldnt be too chuffed but i dont think i would say too much, probably just try and get to know the girl better myself and take it from there. on the other hand, the best friend i ever had was male and there was absolutely nothing more to it than that but his new girlfriend hated me with a passion no matter how hard i tried to get on with her. In the end she lied and stirred between us and i lost the one person who i could always depend on, and loved to pieces. it does look like a good thing that you trust him and if he's not trying to hide the fact he's with her then i wouldnt worry too much. does that make any sense at all? perhaps invite her round for a coffee when dh isnt there and see what you think after that?

sorry forgot to add, if he thinks you're getting jealous, would he still see her and hide it from you in which case you'd be worse off?

Having been the "v.pretty single girl" in a similar situation many years ago, I would say that your most powerful approach is to become her friend.

Having been there, done that, I am still good friends with both of them - and probably MORE friendly with the wife, who I still try to see regularly, even though they now live over 100 miles away!

View from the other side - I have often been hurt that my male colleagues' wives have been so unfriendly to me, when, from my point of view, I have made it clear from my words and body language that I am not coming on to their husbands. For example, I always invite the wives of married men to parties, I make an effort to be friendly to their wives and not just talk about work, but consistently my colleagues' wives shun me (eg they don't come to my ds's birthday party but send their dh on his own with the children, or their dh says thank you very much they would both love to come to my dinner party but then a week later suddenly he says sorry his dw is desperate to go the country cottage that weekend; incidentally, the man will then ask me to have lunch or a drink with him on a weekday, which I think is worse from the wife's point of view than if she had come with him to my dinner!). After a few years of the wives acting like that, I give up on being friendly to them, and I am just their dh's friend at work, which I think is a pity, as I never had any bad intention towards their marriage anyway. I do understand where your jealousy is coming from, and you may be right that this woman is behaving inappropriately. What does she do which is predatory towards your dh and excludes you and makes you feel that she does not want to be friends with your whole family? A few wives handled this type of issue really well, by responding to my friendly gestures and making me her friend too, so that I now email them both simultaneously to suggest dinner or drinks, and she feels secure because I am their joint friend, and she is even my confidante so she knows what is going on in my lovelife.

I agree with the male rsponse "he's playing with fire". talking as someone recently burnt to a cinder by my dh turning a friendship into an affair (didn't go looking for it- it just took on a momentum of it's own!!- after 16 years of marriage) Until recently I always said I trust my dh implicitly and he has had female friends in the past, whom I knew about and got to know myself. This time was different he never introduced her to me. However I do feel that at the moment for you it is all upfront and you are included in the friendship but things can, without realisisng move onto a different plain of friendship- I think he needs to be careful.Can you talk to him about this? If not directly may be along the lines of "I read an article about man who got friendly with colleague....became an affair etc...it got me thinking about us and friends of the opposite sex" I think he needs to be aware that friendships can lead to affairs without the thought ever entering your head. Whatever the situation you need to be reassured- talk to him.Good luck.

Well it's v.interesting to read all this stuff. Basically I don't want to be prejudiced against her purely cos she's a single girl. Like I've said before I do actually like her - she's the sort of person I could be friends with I guess. It's just that I don't really want a friendship thrust upon me just because it would help make the situation easier. Does that sound awful?? The last time she was here in the evening I had things to do, make phonecalls, work stuff etc but I felt obliged to sit up and talk with her. I don't believe I'm a paranoid, insecure wife (I have no reason to be) I just want to feel more comfortable about this friendship. I have asked my dh about this a while ago - we have a real honest relationship and he said he didn't fancy her. So maybe I should just accept this. Whadya think??

Well it's v.interesting to read all this stuff. Basically I don't want to be prejudiced against her purely cos she's a single girl. Like I've said before I do actually like her - she's the sort of person I could be friends with I guess. It's just that I don't really want a friendship thrust upon me just because it would help make the situation easier. Does that sound awful?? The last time she was here in the evening I had things to do, make phonecalls, work stuff etc but I felt obliged to sit up and talk with her. I don't believe I'm a paranoid, insecure wife (I have no reason to be) I just want to feel more comfortable about this friendship. I have asked my dh about this a while ago - we have a real honest relationship and he said he didn't fancy her. So maybe I should just accept this. Whadya think??

Well it's v.interesting to read all this stuff. Basically I don't want to be prejudiced against her purely cos she's a single girl. Like I've said before I do actually like her - she's the sort of person I could be friends with I guess. It's just that I don't really want a friendship thrust upon me just because it would help make the situation easier. Does that sound awful?? The last time she was here in the evening I had things to do, make phonecalls, work stuff etc but I felt obliged to sit up and talk with her. I don't believe I'm a paranoid, insecure wife (I have no reason to be) I just want to feel more comfortable about this friendship. I have asked my dh about this a while ago - we have a real honest relationship and he said he didn't fancy her. So maybe I should just accept this. Whadya think??

Well it's v.interesting to read all this stuff. Basically I don't want to be prejudiced against her purely cos she's a single girl. Like I've said before I do actually like her - she's the sort of person I could be friends with I guess. It's just that I don't really want a friendship thrust upon me just because it would help make the situation easier. Does that sound awful?? The last time she was here in the evening I had things to do, make phonecalls, work stuff etc but I felt obliged to sit up and talk with her. I don't believe I'm a paranoid, insecure wife (I have no reason to be) I just want to feel more comfortable about this friendship. I have asked my dh about this a while ago - we have a real honest relationship and he said he didn't fancy her. So maybe I should just accept this. Whadya think??

Well, I'm not insecure, neurotic or paranoid but I would not tolerate this. She isn't an old friend or a lifelong chum - she's a sudden new friend and here she is in your house and having lunch with your husband. What's HER motive? Why does she suddenly want a new friend who is a married man? 10 to one she wants to have an affair with him and he is flattered by this suddenly baffling but pleasant experience of being chased by a pretty young single girl. 'Brainstorming her new business idea' my arse. Sorry, but this is dodgy, and I'd hate it. Why is he 'picking her up"? What for? Doesn't he have any real friends he should be doing this with instead of hanging out with her? Trust your sixth sense. As for what actually to do, well, I suppose you could invite her out for lunch and say, 'What do you and my husband gossip about then?" or ask your husband, "Does she have a boyfriend? Why not? She seems very needy and it seems odd to me that she is suddenly here so much and get him to talk about why he's seeing so much of her. I'd probably just tell my dh I didn't like her much and I didn't want him to bring her to our house and I'd actually prefer it if he didn't see her. I have had boyfriends with lots of female friends, but they all predated me. I would be extremely suspicious of a new friendship - esp one that is so full on so quickly.