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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has struck up friendship with v.pretty single girl!!

40 replies

insy · 13/05/2004 22:04

Ok I need to know whether I'm being neurotic. My DH has struck up a friendship with a (v.pretty, single) girl from work. She's now left his work actually but he has seen her once for lunch (to help brainstorm her new business idea), she's been round to ours a few times (loves my DD and makes a big fuss of her), has stayed for dinner once and now tonight I had a call from my DH telling me that he was going to pick her up tonight and was it ok if she stayed for something to eat. The thing is she is a very nice person and we get on fine but there is something about this whole thing which (rightly or wrongly) makes me uncomfortable. I trust my dh implicity and it's not that I think he is having an affair or even wants to have an affair - I just think he probably fancies her. I mean why wouldn't he? She's extremely pretty, good fun, very nice blah blah blah. I just find myself wandering whether it's ok for him to have a friend who he may well fancy although I don't think for a minute he wants it to go any further. (we generally have a great marriage, relationship ect) What do you think fellow mumsnetters? Would this kind of relationship bother you?

OP posts:

sponge · 14/05/2004 11:49

For me, as with TAC I sometimes have this situation in reverse - i.e. have lunch or a drink with male colleagues some of whom are attractive. Mostly it's harmless fun, good for your self esteem to have a flirt and that's it.
But I did once have a situation where I liked the guy more than this, and he did me. Nothing happened but it took a lot of self discipline to stop it. Probably fortunately he then left the company and our friendship fizzled out.
So this could be innocent but like aloha I would be concerned about the sudden intensity. If you meet a new colleague who you really like then you go out with them occasionally, you don't invite them round all the time IMO.
He says he doesn't fancy her so even if this isn't quite honest he obviously wants to reassure you, but if he continues to see her so often now that they no longer work together I would keep a very close eye on it.

beentheredonethatgottshirt · 14/05/2004 12:22

Ooooh insy, I've changed my name to make this admission. Its the one bit of behaviour in my life that I'm not proud of (hence cowardly change of name).

I was friends for 10 years with someone who was 15 years older than me (we met through work). During that time she was with her partner who was 11 years younger than her. I became friends with both of them. I had a long term partner, and sometimes he would join us all for dinner, but most of the time it would be just me, cos invariably my friend would ask me to come over straight from work.

I never once considered that her partner was fanciable etc etc - I liked him, we got on, but he was off limits as far as I was concerned and I was in my own relationship.

My friend and her partner split up (never married, didnt have children).

About 8 months after they split up, my friend's ex partner rang me out of the blue and asked to see me. I wasnt sure exactly why, but was curious and went over.

To cut a very long story short, a few years on, he and I are now married with two children.

He says he always really, really liked me but would never attempt to do anything about it until his relationship with his partner was over.

As for me, well I had to choose between him and the friendship and I chose him.

I don't know what else to say really, except do what is best for you and your marriage.

KateandtheGirls · 14/05/2004 12:23

I think the fact that you felt obliged to entertain the friend one evening when you really had other things you wanted to do is a whole different issue. Was your husband aware that you were busy? If so, then he was being selfish, and it doesn't make a difference whether it was this girl or a male friend.

LIZS · 14/05/2004 12:35

No fwiw I don't think you are overreacting. It evidently bothers you and I think that is what matters. Just because she is nice and fun doesn't mean you ought to be friends. If she comes to your house then it should be at a time convenient to you and a friend should respect that, but perhaps your dh felt too awkward to say no. Would he distance himself from her if you asked ?

Original poster

insy · 14/05/2004 19:45

I don't want to be nightmare neurotic wife. And I don't want to be suspicious just cos she's a single girl - I mean I've been single and been friends with married guys from work. But I guess it's always just been a work thing and I never would've considered taking the friendship out of office hours. I'm trying to see it from her point of view and I can't help wandering about why would she'd want to be such good pals with him (and visa versa!!) I guess it's also cos it is a new friendship - he has plenty of female friends who predate our relationship and I've never given it a second thought. They're friends of mine too now. Actually the more I think about it the more I think I'm gonna say something. Yep I'm gonna do it. I've been weird with him all day and I think he does deserve to know why. I think I'll feel better if I get it out in the open. Wish me luck!!

OP posts:

charliecat · 14/05/2004 19:48

Good Luck Insy. I think your doing the right thing by speaking about it. And if he says your being jealous or neurotic you need to turn the tables on him and get yourself a single young male friend round for lunch.

Lisa78 · 14/05/2004 19:59

lots of luck insy, I think you are doing the right thing getting it out in the open. I've been reading this thread and thinking about it, if it were my DH. Apart from wondering why a pretty, single girl would WANT to spend time with MY DH , I thought that yes, I too would feel unsettled by it - and I too feel very secure in my relationship with my DH, I know how much he loves me.
On the other hand, I reasoned, they are being quite open about their friendship, ie, there is nothing to hide
But the deciding factor for me, is the knowledge of how many relationships, affairs, flings, whatevers have started from a friendship. Like mine and my DH's (we were both single, I hasten to add)
So yes, talk to him and take it from there
Lots of luck, I hope you get the responses you need
Lisa
x

aloha · 14/05/2004 20:04

Good luck. I think you are right though to think, what's HER motive in all this. Don't want to fuel your fears, but I think it is perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable about this. I wouldn't dream of picking up some young bloke and bringing him home for tea! Dh would be appalled and amazed and it would definitely not be something that would be good for our marriage.
Also, come to think of it, very, very unlikely

tammybear · 14/05/2004 20:48

Good luck insy. It helped me a lot being honest with dp, when I was uncomfortable with his friendship with a girl, and made me feel a lot better when I spoke to him about it

bluesky · 14/05/2004 21:50

female intuition, we've been given it for a reason.

If you feel something isnt right ..... then it isn't. Trust your instinct.

Good luck with the chat!

Original poster

insy · 14/05/2004 22:05

Thanks all so much ladyeees. (and gents) Am feeling so much better about this. Have just had the conversation with DH and feel totally reassured about the whole thing. He said again that he definitely doesn't fancy her and that if he did there is absolutely no way he'd be spending any time with her. He said there is absolutely no flirtation between them and that he genuinely thinks she wants to be friends with both of us (and is great with kids and likes spending time with our 2year old dd) I told him that I was just expressing my gut reaction to the situation and that I like this girl but my natural instinct is sort of primitive in that I just see a pretty girl spending time with my DD. It's hard not to be a little bit jealous. He understood exactly where I was coming from and said he would happily not see her if that's what I wanted. But I said I definitely don't want to be the sort of wife who goes, you can't do this and you can't do that. I'm just not like that. I don't have it in me. Anyway the bottom line is I feel much better for having got it out in the open. It's good to talk innit!! Thanks all again. The opinions and views were much appreciated.

OP posts:

tammybear · 14/05/2004 22:07

Im glad things are okay between you two insy

Lisa78 · 14/05/2004 22:30

I love a happy ending

nightowl · 14/05/2004 23:27

i have a really pretty friend who is a lovely person inside aswell yet she has no fenale friends at all except me. This is because women constantly bitch and suspect her of things purely because she is good looking. She cant help being pretty! I actually feel very sorry for her because no-one will ever give her a chance. She has spent most of her life being lonely because of this. I dont think a person can be judged solely on looks, that doesnt necessarily make them a threat...they want friends just like everyone else, be it male or female. (and often its male, because as i said, females wont accept her) its a vicious circle really. Give her a chance, you might find out that you really like her in the end. im glad you seem to have sorted it out

happycat · 15/05/2004 16:30

Better still next time she comes for tea invite one of dhs totty mates and fix her up

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