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Original poster

DP lies and then blames me when I confront him. Feel emotionally drained.

51 replies

wesweet · 18/10/2015 11:48

I've started to feel so confused, angry and frustrated with my DP, and I can't tell if it is justified.

I'm 27 and he's 38. We've been together 2 years and rent a house. I love him very much and he's helped make our place so homely and warm and he makes me laugh and does nice things for me...does his fair share of cleaning and all the cooking.

BUT.. and it's become a huge but..he lies. Each time he does this, he turns the blame onto me and says he has lied 'because of how I would react.' How does he even know how I would react if he never actually tells me?! And of course I am always more upset about the lie, in most cases.

The biggest things - most recent example was last night. We are meant to be saving to buy a house together, and last night I read a text from his mum that asked how a viewing went for a flat (the message came up on the coffee table and he was there). I asked what is was about and he eventually told me he had been looking at places to buy on his own as his mum had told him it was too soon to buy with me. I asked why he didnt tell me she had said that or why he didnt suggest we wait (rather than us buying separately sooner). He then said his mum had suggested moving in with him but he told her that was a definite no. I was horrified. He told me he hadn't told me because "of how I would react."

Other examples include lying about a bonus he had (I don't even know why he felt the need to lie...not sure what was to be gained by lying), lied about how much annual leave he had elft from work (again I don't know why), lied about a holiday he planned to go on with his dad without me..only told me when I got upset because he didnt want to plan a holiday with me (turns out it was a cost problem...i would have understood if he had just told me!).

Whenever we fall out it is because he has lied. I have said to him that sometimes things he tells me will upset me, but i need to know because that's what a relationship is, and otherwise we are living a false life with one another and we cant have a future. I've also told him that the actual lie is what makes it so much worse. Initially he will tell me it's my fault because 'he didnt want to upset me or lose me,' and then he'll apologise and we'll start again...only for him to do it all over again.

I feel emotionally drained and also feel guilty, but I can't work out why because although of course I have emotions and react to things..,I always always do my best for me and DP and if, for example, he'd told me he wanted to hold off buying a house for another year, then yes i would cry and i would be confused...but we'd talk and i would be an adult and we'd move forwards. I'm not a child and I love and respect him, and his opinions and decisions - he knows this. How many times do I need to have this conversation for him to stop lying?

OP posts:
Original poster
wesweet · 18/10/2015 11:49

*he's 28 not 38!!!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 18/10/2015 11:52

Have you posted about this before?

Very very familiar.

Lizawithaz · 18/10/2015 11:52

I'm sorry darling but in my experience liars never ever change. It is just part of their character.

TiggyD · 18/10/2015 11:53

There are lots of men out there who would never do that. They behave like honest adults and treat a relationship seriously and as a team. Go find one of those instead of wasting your time on the one you've got. He is not a keeper.

TheDailyWail · 18/10/2015 11:53

I don't think you can change him.

tableanadchairs · 18/10/2015 11:54

I would be out of there like a shot. He won't /can't / doesn't want to stop lying.

SmokingGun · 18/10/2015 11:54

I was thinking that too Doreen - especially the part about his DM suggesting moving in with him if he buys a house on his own.

FannyFanakapan · 18/10/2015 11:54

He's not going to stop lying. He is using you, while planning a separate life for himself that doesn't include you - holidays and a flat, annual leave that will be spent without you.

He is telling you what he thinks of you - you need to listen. He does not see a future with you. You are his current gf, nothing more. He is using you.

exexpat · 18/10/2015 11:55

I agree this set of circumstances sounds very familiar. I think you should follow the advice you got last time(s), which as far as I remember was mainly LTB because his mother will always take priority over you.

Original poster
wesweet · 18/10/2015 11:55

doreen no I have not. I have posted before about an ex, but that was a sex-question, very different kettle of fish!!!

thanks liza and tiggy I just hate that he is SO perfect in every other way.... if he could just stop doing this!! I feel like i can't concentrate on my own life very much as always trying to work with DP on his inability to stop lying :(

OP posts:
Original poster
wesweet · 18/10/2015 11:57

fanny i have given him every opportunity to leave, I've even said in a suppportive way that i would still be friends with him etc.

He then cries and tells me he cant live without me. It's confusing.

OP posts:
LemonRedwood · 18/10/2015 11:58

I wouldn't be surprised if you were back here in a few months telling us he's bought a house and his mum's moved in with him. 2 years together is not too soon to be buying a house together. DH and I were married after 2 years of being together.

Get out now. You deserve honesty and respect.

Candlefairy101 · 18/10/2015 12:00

It sounds to me that he's mum has brought him up to please her and because Of this he has learnt to lie to keep her happy instead of telling the truth, and unfortunately it is now being reflected in his relationships.

Some people are brought up to 'please people' always tell them what they want to here and never voice their opinion in case it hurts the other person, I am the complete opposite and it has taken me years to get my husband to stand up against his mother! The reason I think he may well be a people pleaser is because of the excuse he gives to lying I.e I didn't want to upset you and he's probably doing the same to his mother just to keep the peace.

Verypissedoffwife · 18/10/2015 12:00

He's not perfect - he's a liar. It's a fundamental part of his personality. He lies because it's so ingrained he probably does it without thinking.

Original poster
wesweet · 18/10/2015 12:00

thanks lemon that's what I am thinking.

Fair enough if he doesnt want to...but at least tell me!

I think I've made my decision. I just wish everything else wasnt so perfect as it would make it easier! such is life i suppose.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 18/10/2015 12:01

OP cut your losses, do you really want to be tied down to a liar for the rest of your life, do you what to have children and finances with a man who lies about everything?

He's not going to change, if you choose to continue with this relationship keep that firm in your mind.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/10/2015 12:04

It's not you - it's him. And it's perfectly fine to leave him even if he cries or begs because actually it's not just about 'lying'. It's about excluding you from parts of his life; it's about building alternate futures and it's about a lack of respect. It won't get better.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 12:05

Pathological liars can't help themselves, they will lie all the time. Their first reflex is to lie, even when you can catch them out immediately! I was with one for a short while - he was also an EA wanker, and I'm soo glad he fucked off with some other poor woman. He lied about that too, obviously.

I think you should ditch him. I'm sure you do love him, which makes it harder - but you can never trust him, ever. NEVER. Because he will lie about anything and everything.

I don't care whether they can help it or not - I can't live with it, dishonestly drives me nuts - maybe you can, but think about how your life is going to be when you have no idea when or whether he's lying to you.

summerwinterton · 18/10/2015 12:06

He is a liar, it doesn't matter what about. But these are big things he is lying about, then justifying it by blaming you.

I know what I would do, and I wouldn't be sticking around waiting to be blamed for his character flaws.

Original poster
wesweet · 18/10/2015 12:07

thumb i can't live with it...it's draining. it's the exact opposite of what a relationship is, in my mind anyway!

I dodn't want to post on here as I felt it was betraying him, but I honestly cant focus on any part of my life anymore as it's constantly hanging over me about what DP will pull out of the bag next...what the next lie will be.

Gotta have faith I can find someone who wont do that!

OP posts:
Finola1step · 18/10/2015 12:10

He sounds like he is not ready yet to decide what he really wants. In his mind, he is "Trying to keep everyone happy and getting it in the neck as a result". When in fact his behaviour and poor decision making shows a lack of back bone (for want of a better phrase).

I think he dies love you and wants to be with you but not in the same, mature way you want. He may well have suspicions about you and not actually think that highly of you (or women in general?). All this secrecy about flat buying and bonuses suggest he thinks he needs to keep his financial cards to himself in case you might "fleece him". Familiar?

The upshot is that he probably isn't a keeper. Sorry. Flowers

spanisharmada · 18/10/2015 12:11

I think the things he's lying about are shit enough on their own, the lying is blind sighting you as to what the other issues are, its like the cherry on the cake.
You can either stick with it and hope he matures AND decides you are more important to him then he thinks/feels currently
OR
You cut your losses now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 12:18

wesweet - I'm sure you can find someone who won't do that - if it's any help, I did :)

CloakAndJagger · 18/10/2015 12:18

He's not going to change. If he's lying now, he'll keep on lying and probably about bigger and bigger stuff.

I'd cut your losses. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's hiding from you now.

Finola1step · 18/10/2015 12:27

Just a thought wesweet... Over the years, I have read many, many threads in here from women who are 20, 30 years down the line from you. Women who have spent their lives on the back foot because of their husband's secretive financial behaviour. Hidden pension pots, secret bank accounts, property put in different names, no access to certain rooms in their own home, no access to bank accounts. Secret inheritance or sudden windfall. And more.

How many of such women (and I would say its always women) would love to have been in your position? You can get out without divorce, hurting children, etc. You can get out early as the red flags have already been revealed.