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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Relationships' has made me realise what a bad realtionship im in...

53 replies

PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 20:55

I posted yesterday asking if people celebrate informal anniversaries, if they are not married.

Then some brought up 5 Language's of Love. I had never come across this theory.

I knew our relationship wasn't all that but now I'm really questioning why I'm with dp.

Its like I've suddenly realised what others could see. Its literally like, the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I don't know if anyone will understand what im describing but i almost wish I hadn't posted the thread yesterday & could just carry on as I was...what now?

OP posts:
0verNow · 17/10/2015 20:57

Would you like to tell us some details? Then perhaps we can help.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/10/2015 21:00

I suppose the next step is to figure out if your relationship can be improved or saved and if so, do you/your DP want to save it?

I know how you feel, sometimes you need to see it through someone else's eyes to realise how wrong it is. I know I put up with 14 years of crap from my XH and it was only when someone on here said "what exactly are you getting from this marriage?" that I realised it was ok to bail!

You don't need to make any drastic moves right away, but use it as an opportunity to reassess and figure out what you really want.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:00

There's nothing to tell!

We have no social life.
We have no friends in common.
We have no interests in common.
He puts his job before the children & I.
He rarely does anything around the house.
I could go on & on...

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2015 21:02

Ask yourself, does he make me happy, does he support me, do I fancy/love him?

I've been happily single for a few years and relationships has made me realise how much.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:06

Literally im thinking, What am i getting out of this relationship? Sod all!

The thing about dp is that hes the least offensive person you could meet. He's very quiet. Has no hobbies. Rarely goes out. All he does is go to work.

But i was in a relationship with a man who wouldn't work so by my low standards dp was great just for going to work!

Hes not unkind but nor is he kind.
Hes not unsupportive but nor is he a suppoty to me.
He never ever shouts or ever say shut up but he never says anything nice...ever!

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 17/10/2015 21:06

OP you could carry on as usual or you could decide you want and deserve more from the/a relationship. The ultimate decision is always yours. If you are happy with the status quo who cares what the "relationship" board says?? (there are obviously caveats to my last statement).

BertieBotts · 17/10/2015 21:08

I had a similar moment when I joined the site nearly seven years ago. I know the feeling of wishing you'd never opened that can of worms!

I left six years this December and life has only got better since :) You're in a scary place, but it really does get better. I am a totally different person to who I was seven, eight years ago - knowledge is powerful but it's healing, in my experience.

Hold tight - you're not alone Flowers

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:09

No i dont fancy him. I know this isn't popular on MN but hes put on so much weight. I dont know how heavy he is but when i met him he wore 36 waist trousers, now he wrars 46. Im a size 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:12

The idea of another 16 years like this is horrible but he has noone to go to.
Financially i would be in a very bad place as I haven't worked for 13 years. My old career wouldnt be an option with dc...

Im damned if i do & damned if i don'tSad

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 17/10/2015 21:15

I came across relationships 6 years ago.
6 years ago I left (thanks AnyFuckerWink)
After a couple of years of very happy singledom I'm now in a real relationship. There's kindness, laughter and respect, and we both work very hard. I didn't believe this type of thing even existed.

First the scales fall off, then you detach, then you move on.

Keep talking OP x

LilaTheTiger · 17/10/2015 21:16

*5 years ago I left Blush

Lweji · 17/10/2015 21:17

Do you think you'd fancy him if he did his bit at home and actually talked to you? And supported you?

Tbh, at this stage, and based on what you said so far, I'd try and talk about the relationship with him and insist on counselling if you can't manage to talk properly.
And see if he's committed to have a good relationship or not. I'd use that time to decide whether I wanted to be in or out.

But you are the one who is there and can decide whether to stay or not. You don't have to justify to anyone if you decide to leave nor you need anyone's permission.

loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2015 21:36

For me, our last resort was counselling, well actually is wasn't because on my part I'd gone past this and didn't care any more. It was only when he realised we were going that he wanted to consider it, something he would refuse to do earlier on.

Lots of people suggest counselling, for some it works, some it doesn't. Is it something you feel you'd want to do/would help?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/10/2015 21:38

yeah, I'm sure AnyFucker was instrumental in my split too!

I'm currently in a relationship with someone completely different, which has its moments, but it's 99% wonderful! No relationship will be perfect, but staying with someone who doesn't make you happy even 50% of the time is a waste of your life.

Obviously you have to account for how the DCs will be affected, but in the main, if you are able to co-parent effectively (and it sounds like your DP doesn't have the energy to bother making life difficult for you!) and you deal with it sensitively then your DCs will adjust.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:41

Ive asked him Lweji on many occasions but he really cant see whats wrong. So for example he cant understand that i will need a break once in awhile from the kids. I will ask & ask him to give me a break but he wont take them out etc. Then when he goes back on shift, he cant understand why i dont want to jump all over him.

He has no interest in the house or garden. Hates DIY but hates to pay anyone to do anything.

He tells me to tell him what needs doing but then only does what he wants to do.

Im going to be a grandmother in a few weeks, hes never even commented...

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2015 21:42

Agree with Mark especially the second bit. Can relate to that.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 17/10/2015 21:45

Personally I'm quite anti counselling due to a previous experience.

I cant imagine dp in a counselling session - he wouldn't come to ante natel classes! Blush

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/10/2015 21:48

Definitely not sounding good. Sad

Chances are that if he realised you were about to leave, or if you left, he would have a wake up call and change. But would it be enough for you, then?

If there is no way forward in your mind, then I'd start looking at how to separate. Figure out what income you could get and practical things about the house.
As for him, he's not caring enough with you for you to worry so much about where he'd go. He's got a job, and he's an adult. A selfish one at that. I'm sure he can find a place to stay.

loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2015 21:48

Sorry but he sounds so dull. He's not interested in anything or anything you say.

How old are your children? There's got to be something work wise for you. Maybe you're work shy after not working for so long? Sounds like you need a confidence boost-only you can do that now. Get out there and make it happen, you will feel loads better.

BertieBotts · 17/10/2015 21:56

Yes but all of this fear about leaving is based on unknowns. So you'll be leaving a known unhappiness for an unknown. Yes it might be worse - practically, almost certainly. But emotionally, spiritually? Don't underestimate that. You could have good times or bad times, financially, with him and it would always be hard because you don't have support. Alone at least the good/bad times are just that - and with support from a decent partner, some time in the future, both good and bad times become more bearable.

It is more difficult today to be a single parent than it was for me six years ago, but there is nothing stopping you from researching possibilities. Look at the prices of rental places, look at the benefits checker, look at what skills you have which could transfer to a career or job, put feelers out as to what kind of support you might find from friends and family. It might take longer to leave than you would like, but anything is possible. From what you have said, I think you are very close to mentally checking out of this relationship.

As for him having nowhere to go - that is not your problem or responsibility. You aren't responsible for him. If he'd given everything up to be a SAHP as part of a partnership with you, that might be a different matter but as I'm seeing it, you were the one who did that.

I also think that the weight is a red herring. If you'd had a good relationship, the weight would have been such a gradual thing that it wouldn't have been a big issue (and if it was you'd have been able to talk about it much earlier) - the fact that you've been falling out of love for (I think) a while has meant that the weight is more noticeable and becomes what feels like the catalyst, even though it's not, if that makes sense. You don't notice somebody's minor bad points until the big ones are unbearable.

BertieBotts · 17/10/2015 22:11

:)

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 17/10/2015 23:27

Peppa, you say reading the Relationship board has made you realise how bad your relationship is........with all what you've stated above, did you honestly think your relationship was normal?

Is this because you've had similar relationships in the past, and/or you see your friends/family etc in the same type of relationships and thought it must be normal?

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 18/10/2015 00:40

I thought the relationship was ok. Not what i hoped it would be but ok.

I have no close friends to compare my relationship with.

In my family we are very much the poor relations. As we aren't well off, my parents look down on us. My sister's have full time very successful careers so i cant/dont compare myself to them.

Its 20 years since i was in a different relationship. Everything was different then. I was a single parent. Going to uni & working 3 cleaning jobs to keep us going. Dp had a good job. Was a decent man, willing to take on another mans children.

I have no family or friends locally. Im not close to my family.

Its the realisation that this is it. Its never going to change unless I dismantle our entire set up.
Yes mental & emotional well being is important but so is paying the rent & having food in the fridge.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:12

Hi OP. I posted on your other thread about the 5 love languages. I'm sorry it's caused you some pain but in the long run I think it's good to ask yourself these questions. It sounds like your partner has not really participated in the relationship or in family life. That's not good enough, and you deserve better.

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with counselling. I think it very much depends on the therapist, and there are bad ones unfortunately! Was it individual counselling or couple's counselling? If you would consider individual counselling, I think it could be worth a try. It sounds like you might benefit from some support and encouragement in deciding what to do and improving your life, whether that's through going back to work and/or splitting up with your partner (I think you should do both! But obviously it's your decision and should be done in your own time).

Remember that if you're married and split, you will be entitled to a share of the family assets (house, pension, savings etc whether they're in his name, yours or both) as well as child maintenance payments if you'll be the resident parent and main carer, which sounds very likely. You may also be entitled to benefits and/or tax credits.

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 01:19

Ah just realised you're not married, sorry. But you will still be entitled to child maintenance as well as benefits and/or tax credits. Look it up on the "entitled to" website.