Anyone else feel like people just aren't bothered by them?

[cleoteacher]

I ve always had issues with friendships since school and looking back I can see why. I feel like I ve changed now but still seem to be having these issues.
In the past I didn't make wise choices with friends and tended to make friends with the first person I could and stick with them without actually thinking is this person nice, do I have much in common with them? I had a lot of bitchiness at school and uni but looking back I was probably difficult to live with and was very negative and wrapped up in myself.

Anyway, I hope I ve changed since then and have made some lovely friends since having my dcs but I feel like people aren't bothered by me. They are happy to meet up and we have a nice time when we do meet up but they aren't like oh I must text/call cleo to meet up. I hear of friends meeting up together and I am not invited but if I make the effort and contact them I am invited and they're happy to meet up. I haven't seen any friends for the last few weeks as I have decided not to make all the effort and so have not seen anyone.

I am not good in groups so have lots of singular friends. I get a feeling of jealously if I hear of two or three in the group meeting up or calling each other without me. I feel like everyone is better friends than they are with me. So generally I opt out of groups as it's just easier.

I am meeting up with one friend who lives a few hours away who moved from closeby a few years ago. Granted I have been rubbish at keeping in touch and she has tried to ring me a few times but she doesn't seem bothered of we meet or not. Whereas she is meeting up with another of her friends, who also lived close by who I knew too , the following week and is on Facebook saying how much she misses her and can't wait to see her!

I tried to make friends with the neighbours when we moved house and arranged play dates etc. one of them never arranged one back and the other have mixed messages I never knew where I was with her so I left it thinking they weren't interested but have seen that they have made good friends and meet weekly! I just think there must be something about me, I must give out some message sub-consciously which turns people off.

I ve never been the kind of friend who calls friends up and in lots of ways I guess I keep my distance to avoid being hurt like before and so I guess because I am not on the phone to them that's why I am not getting closer to them as I am not sharing in their problems which I guess is how you get closer to people. Maybe I just give out a persona of being a little cold and not there for people if they have problems.

This just seems such a recurring thing with me. People are always closer to others and I wondered how they got close. I think maybe I am too out spoken and say things without thinking. It seems like everyone has people they are friends with already and I am back up.

I think I have a bit of a warped view of friendships which I can't seem to get out of. It's hard to change your personality when you're 33 and I have never been could at being something I am not.

No advice but wanted to say you are not alone, I could have written that! Xxx

Thanks. I try to focus on the amazing family I have and I have finally managed to make some lovely friends but they just don't seem to think I am that lovely.

What can I do? Should I start phoning people and trying to be there for them more? I seem to have made friends with independent people who don't have that
Many problems, or so it seems, it feels superficial though and like they wouldn't want me phoning them.

How did people get closer to their friends? When they already had close friends?

I know how you feel. I've always struggled to make new friends and the ones I have from the past who I would have seen as very close or even best friends were always closer to other people, so e.g. someone I would have considered close enough to be my bridesmaid would have other people at the top of her list and I'd just be a normal guest to her.

I had a small group of local friends but one is always busy with work and the others all seem to have various groups they go out with, none of which include me, so I've kind of given up trying.

Trouble is, this puts enormous pressure on my DP to be my everything, which causes more problems. It's really not easy to meet new friends once your DCs are grown up. I still do the school run, but it's a quick in and out, barely speak to anyone there, and I work at home too, so not even any colleagues to try and befriend!

Don't know what the answer is but you're alone

Yes exactly, had my best friend as bridesmaid but she didn't have me. On the outside I think people think I am confident, outspoken and very together. I don't have trouble making friends but they don't go past play dates or meet up without kids which are almost always arranged by me.

My ds is coming up to school age so I guess there will be lots of opportunities for new friendships but I find myself worried about going back into a friendship group and having these feelings that everyone is better friends than me and so and so doesn't really like me I think I ll end up ruining it anyway.

Yeah I have a great little family (as in hubby and kids) and I focus on them but like above said since I don't want to put too much pressure on my dh to be my everything but truth is he actually is, my family of origin are awful and no love or support there. I feel like my friends are great, I know I can go to them and we do stuff together but also feel like the least important in the group. But honestly I'm wondering if it's all in my head.

I always wonder should I phone more text more but feel like it would be weird and I would just be annoying them. In all honesty I've made a friend in the past couple of years who I actually do feel I can bother and she will still love me so I do wonder if you just know when I bond forms and although the other friends are great they aren't our people?! Does that make sense lol xxx

I'm like this too. For a long time it puzled me why people who weren't actually very nice could be more popular than me. Then I had some counselling for self-esteem issues and after a few sessions the counsellor said it was like i had a hard outer shell around me that was protecting me but also keeping others out. I haven't found a way to solve this problem but I have started to notice how others are a lot more open than me and they are the people others are drawn to.

Yes, agree I like to act like I have it all together and don't tell people if I am going through a hard time as I feel they wouldn't care I guess. I think I ve moaned too much in the past and put people off.

I just don't think I read situationsikw others and act very well. Apparently I am stand offish and quite blunt and not kissy enough but I am working on this.

Yes, this is so much me. I used to have friends years ago but except for DH, I don't have any friends. I've been told I'm too quiet and it's off putting. Plus I'm deaf so it is a struggle to communicate and so I tend to keep quiet as I don't hear all of what someone said or I respond with the wrong thing.

I'm very similar. I had couselling and was also told I have my "shields up".

I do try, but I think I come across badly then too!

I don't know how to be any different.

I'm on the periphery of a friendship group. I get invited if there's a trip or a party or something, but I know that many of them meet up for lumch occasionally or coffee and i'm never someone that gets texted.

I tried to organise a night out and didn't get a single response. I'm very much not a real part of it, but it's more than I've had before. So what can you do?

I'm glad I found this thread. I am the same OP, and it doesn't help that I hate small talk and talking on the phone.

I am trying to change things this year and am making an effort with the mums at school, whereas before I was too embarrassed to be proactive. It doesn't help that I see DD at school in the same position, always liking her (one) friend more than the friend likes her.

Oh well!

I think if you see if from the other person's perspective then you might realize how you come off maybe? You don't enjoy being in groups so maybe you do give that off and people don't include you. Also you say you feel a bit of jealousy, that probably does come across.
I do have friends that I'm happy to meet up with if everyone is getting together but wouldn't necessarily think to call up individually. I'm not saying that you are a bad friend in any way, it's just that you have great insight into how you view friendships and your friends might be picking up on that too.

Snap and snap with dd being the same.

I also come across really confident I wonder if that's something to do with it.

Friendship is different from acquaintance.

Friendship involves sharing and 'cheating' at the social norm test. Someone to go and let your hair down with is not a friend. Is someone you know and have a bit of fun with.

Friendship is having and keeping an open front/back door at all times. Friendship is sharing food, is looking out for each other's children, is helping. Friendship is leaving your bare soul to the elements and someone putting a blanket over it. Friendship is knowing the surest way to put a smile on someone's face, giving them a hug, teasing and telling off.
Friendship is when someone leaves work early to come and help, when the phone rings and you pick it up and chat without sounding inconvenienced.

Not coffee mornings, not shopping trips, not facebook statuses and tagging 'the special chosen ones'.

Friendship is like a family you've chosen.
It's very much a cultural thing, the englishman tends to put more emphasis on his castle than on anything else. There are so many norms, faux pas, hurdles to get through to become someone's friend. The vetting process can and will last years. Being invited around someone's house to get ready to go out (ie getting drunk) is not exactly friendship. Picking up the phone and arranging an ad-hoc quick cuppa for a catch up is friendship.

I have great caring friends but hate groups situations and big social occasions make me nervous. I'm a natural introvert.

I maintain communication with short emails/texts/Facebook posts/phone calls/sharing information. I don't wait for my turn to communicate, if I think of something, I'll just send a quick text or what ever. We don't have to see each other. My closest friend I only see twice a year infact! We share everything though and she is like a sister to me.

I'm proactive and caring. If my valued friends need help (meal while in hospital, moving their sofa to a different room, taking kids to school while mums sick), I'm willing to help if I can.

We share interests. We have set days/times that We do activities. We walk weekly with friends or meet once a month for knitting.

Real friends help me get through the nitty gritty bits of life. To get to a state of solid friendship, you've got to deeply connect with a friend. Listening aids this. Asking questions aids this. Sharing your personal stuff aids this. Yes you have to open up and be vulnerable for people to be one close.

Initially when meeting new friends try humour. Having fun is a great first step. You do need to be proactive though. Relationships need maintenance.

But also consider who you are trying to befriend. Aim for quieter people on the edges who maybe more open to things.

With your neighbours, it's probably nothing personal. More that they have thier hands full already or thier house is too messy

My friends are my family in many respects.

I am like this, I have Aspergers

I think sometimes you just get put into the role as "the one that suggests we all get together."

I seem to be that one with two friends of mine. They live quite near each other, and I live further away. It's always me who suggests we meet up and I usually end up hosting, which actually I don't mind at all. I suspect this is why I end up suggesting a get-together, because it's hard to do so if you know someone else is going to be the host and, similarly, if I do suggest meeting up then I feel it is down to me to offer to host. Anyway, the last time we were due to meet up we decided (for a specific reason) that we would meet near where they lived for lunch. As the day approached we started checking that we were still on for xx day, then it was "where are we meeting?" I thought FFS I had left it to you two for once, I can't suggest a venue in your town, I don't know anywhere! Then it got cancelled anyway, and the next time, I suggested somewhere near me, booked it and all was well. I honestly don't mind, I love them both dearly, it's just something I have observed over the last couple of years: I am the organiser and if I don't do it then we don't meet and that's that.

So, I think it can just be like that in some relationships and it doesn't mean anything.

Try not to moan. Aim to have a laugh instead if things annoy you. Yes share a problem with real friends you are connected to but ban endless moaning. It really puts a dampener on how everyone feels

Yes to organising regular meet ups. Some people are less organised but would really want to attend

I am like this too, OP, only I have realised that it only bothers me sometimes. Most of the time, I am too busy with work and DCs to manage more than a chat at the school gates.

The person who posted all about friendship and how it takes years to be vetted - I've heard that before. I think you have to keep suggesting meet ups in the beginning, and then you keep going with those who don't push you away. People have busy lives and, until you're a regular part of their lives, they won't notice if you disappear or will assume you're happily busy with others.

I assume it will take years at my speed to develop good friendships. Until then, I'll keep on inviting and suggesting on the fairly rare occasions I gave time and energy for it! It used to bother me, being on the margins. It still does sometimes, but most of the time as long as I make a small connection with someone (shopkeeper, stranger to say hello to) during the day, I'm happy.

(I do have two friends I made much more quickly: they went through marriage breakups are the same time as me and even so they found me, I didn't find them. I meet up with one once a fortnight and the other once a month! Those are my close friends!)

I also think different people view group meet ups in different ways. If i'm involved in organising a group of people meeting up, I make sure anyone who might be interested gets invited, because i feel bad if i get left out.

However, I know other people who, when organising a group night out, just invite the people they run into or happen to interact with that week. These types of organisers are also people who probably wouldn't care if they weren't invited. So don't see being left out as always being a personal snub, you possibly just weren't in the right place at the right time.

Well said allgunsblazing.

Acquaintances are different to friendships.

I have a handful of individual friends that don't know each other. I don't do well in group situations and so avoid those. I then stopped getting invited as I clearly wasn't happy.

One of my closest friends died last year and she was very social with a wide circle of good friends. Although I was aware of some of who people were at the funeral, I didn't really know anyone because I'd avoided her parties due to social anxiety.

I have a number of acquaintances too. I make acquaintances easily but an more reticent about turning those into friendships.

My problem is that I think I ought to want a busy social life but in reality it's not what I'm comfortable with.

OP, it isn't just you. I'm always 3rd wheel and I wonder if it's because of a lack of confidence in myself. on the school gate it takes me months to have a conversation with people I see every day.
I don't mind not being people's first choice and to an extent I did rely on my H. He left a few months ago and since then I've made much more effort to join in on the groups I'm on the periphery of and to talk more and I have managed now to start being included more and even stArting to make some friends.

It sounds like you need other people to confirm your own worth.

You have high expectations for other people putting you first: you expect the kind of friendship where people care about and reach out to you, you get jealous if others meet up without you...

Friendships are always going to be emotionally fraught, and disappointing to you, if you are on the defensive like this. It's a cliché, but you need to be comfortable in your own skin, and to be able to let other people's behaviour roll off you like water off a duck's back, in order to remove the pressure and build mutually satisfying friendships.

It's not about you. Friendships are not a judgement on your worth. Friendships build up slowly over time, with mutual trust between people who are willing to be vulnerable with each other.

It sounds like you are too afraid of being hurt to be truly open and vulnerable. That's not a crime, but it's good to be aware of it so that you can start addressing it.