Anyone else feel like people just aren't bothered by them?

[cleoteacher]

I ve always had issues with friendships since school and looking back I can see why. I feel like I ve changed now but still seem to be having these issues.
In the past I didn't make wise choices with friends and tended to make friends with the first person I could and stick with them without actually thinking is this person nice, do I have much in common with them? I had a lot of bitchiness at school and uni but looking back I was probably difficult to live with and was very negative and wrapped up in myself.

Anyway, I hope I ve changed since then and have made some lovely friends since having my dcs but I feel like people aren't bothered by me. They are happy to meet up and we have a nice time when we do meet up but they aren't like oh I must text/call cleo to meet up. I hear of friends meeting up together and I am not invited but if I make the effort and contact them I am invited and they're happy to meet up. I haven't seen any friends for the last few weeks as I have decided not to make all the effort and so have not seen anyone.

I am not good in groups so have lots of singular friends. I get a feeling of jealously if I hear of two or three in the group meeting up or calling each other without me. I feel like everyone is better friends than they are with me. So generally I opt out of groups as it's just easier.

I am meeting up with one friend who lives a few hours away who moved from closeby a few years ago. Granted I have been rubbish at keeping in touch and she has tried to ring me a few times but she doesn't seem bothered of we meet or not. Whereas she is meeting up with another of her friends, who also lived close by who I knew too , the following week and is on Facebook saying how much she misses her and can't wait to see her!

I tried to make friends with the neighbours when we moved house and arranged play dates etc. one of them never arranged one back and the other have mixed messages I never knew where I was with her so I left it thinking they weren't interested but have seen that they have made good friends and meet weekly! I just think there must be something about me, I must give out some message sub-consciously which turns people off.

I ve never been the kind of friend who calls friends up and in lots of ways I guess I keep my distance to avoid being hurt like before and so I guess because I am not on the phone to them that's why I am not getting closer to them as I am not sharing in their problems which I guess is how you get closer to people. Maybe I just give out a persona of being a little cold and not there for people if they have problems.

This just seems such a recurring thing with me. People are always closer to others and I wondered how they got close. I think maybe I am too out spoken and say things without thinking. It seems like everyone has people they are friends with already and I am back up.

I can resinate with everyone but as elliewellie said it is often not personal just other people have different priorities. The school gate experience is horrible and as I know from my own experience of being there csn b v isolating. What is really interesting w thst once you r beyond that period as I am now you will know who are the true friends and who r c listers who invite you to their parties but not there for the real stuff which is what counts in the end.
What most people want is to b w people who are fun (not always easy to do) but people will drawn to you if you smile, ask them a question or 2, take an interest in their kids (many only want to be friends because of the kids). Best thing to do get stuck in e.g PTA be supportive show willing

The other advise is get stuck into things PTA, hobbies, sports etc then you will find you haven't time to care thst is what I have done having ancinvolved hobby helps you focus not just on you

Your situation resonates with me OP. I have always struggled to connect with people. I am late 40's and its only in the last 6 years that I have really found a social circle that I am comfortable in.

For me it was getting older and more confident that has helped. It's been easier to let my guard down. I also made a couple of key friends who then introduced me to others and its all happened very organically.

SparklyDMs for you. Sorry you found yourself in that situation. I don't care about those that don't bother about me. It's not a conscious exercise, and it doesn't mean I don't care about people. It's just that it's exhausting mentally. I've been there, bought the t shirt etc. I do like to make a connection with people. I think you can't find everything you need in one "best mate". There's lots of definitions about what a friend should be like.

It took me until I was 32 to find a rare friend. We are very realistic in our expectations. Honesty is important as well as healthy tolerance. She's been my friend for 26yrs. We meet about every 2 wks. Text/email each other most days. If one delays in responding, we don't go off in a strop, but think there must be a reason. She is more emotionally mature than me and more outgoing. I have learned a lot from her.

OP, just go with the flo'. Manage your expectations realistically. Be the friend you want. That's my tuppence worth for what it's worth.

OP I know exactly what you mean. While I do have some close friends of long standing, I don't feel that people in general particularly take to me and where others seem to make friends quickly and then be all over facebook declaring how much their friends mean to them, I can only look on in bafflement.

I've recently started suspecting that I have Aspergers, I have quite a few of the traits, so you might want to look into that, but look specifically at how it presents in women as that differs from men.

Slaggy.... I thought I may have aspergers? But I've completed that Myers-Briggs personality test. I know it's been featured on m/net, but I know it from friends & family who are involved in psychology. I'm an intj- architect, female. Apparently the female types are only 0.86% of the world's population. When you google the type for support forums you get an insight into how you function amongst others. It really helped me. Especially when it came to modifying my behaviour, and how I interact with other types.

Thanks for replies. Yes I think my expectations of friends are high and when I was younger I would cut people out if I felt they didn't care enough or show it for various reasons. I am older and more mature now so think I manage this better and don't voice my feelings so much. However, I think I went to the extreme and let people walk all over me and it was a case of "oh cleo won't mind if I do that or don't go to her birthday etc" I felt like I seemed to matter less than others and my opinion or wants weren't important and were trumped by others.

I do measure my self worth by friendships which I know is wrong and I am working on it. I am trying to focus on the family I have but it does niggle at me. Why did so and so meet up and I wasn't invited?

I am lucky and haven't had too
Many problems in my life in several years so I think that maybe one reason I haven't got close to people as they would all share their problems. But I think this has probably limited me in terms of friendship. I made one group of friends whose whole lives seemed to be problems and I couldn't relate and got fed up of every meet up being solving everyone's problems but as a result they got close with each other and not with me.

At the same time I wonder if people think I am not there for them as so don't seek my help or advice. Previously I admit I had problems and so was wrapped up in
My own bubble a bit. Over the past few years I have tried to be there for people and text friends if I know they're going through a hard time and say let me know if there's anything I can do but I don't seem to be the person they want to talk about it to. I ve just never had that kind of friendship with anyone.

I totally agree friendship can take years and you have to make an effort to allow it to develop but I feel like I am always the one making the effort. I get tired of it. I can't always text or mention to others about meeting up without them returning the favour. This is the crux of what happens to me. How do you move it into the next stage?

Allgunsblazing- your post scares me as I know it's right but according to your post I have one friend and loads of aquintences. People don't seem interested in turning things into friendship though. I feel like they would think it's strange if I rung/ texted them with random things even though I would like that kind of relationship. The friends I have just don't seem to be that kind of person or not with me anyway.

I think people like me but we don't seem to gel over common ground. I don't seem to meet too many people who are like me. I don't have hobbies really which again I think is a problem.

I do have friends I ve known through dh for 10 years plus but recently I be felt like they are definitely better friends with each other and meet up without inviting me. I feel I've made so many mistakes in terms of being in my own bubble when I was younger that they have developed this great friendship which I ve missed out on and my friendship with them is more superficial. I am invited if I happen to text for a meet up when they are meeting up anyway. Unfortunately I don't seem to go through life experiences like dcs at the and time as me and so they get closer through these experiences than they are with me. I then feel false and unclear how I can now suddenly be there for them when needed as by now they have turned to someone else.

I do measure my self worth by friendships which I know is wrong and I am working on it. I am trying to focus on the family I have but it does niggle at me. Why did so and so meet up and I wasn't invited?

How are you working on it?
One way would be to think, when you hear that so-and-so met up without you: "Good for them. This has nothing to do with with me or how likeable I am. They met up together because they wanted to and that's that. I am just as worthy a person as anyone else, whether or not I was invited to some get-together or other."

This doesn't mean let people take you for granted. If you feel that some people are doing that, then focus on other people who you feel comfortable around. It does mean don't take others' actions personally: that makes you unhappy inside, and defensive on the outside, which does drive others away.

Cutting people off - which I'm glad you no longer do - is often a case of pre-emptively rejecting people because you fear that they are rejecting / will reject you, and you want to get in there first. It's usually better to keep lines of communication open: people are often clumsy, but rarely do they ever intend to hurt you.

Yes, I am doing that and trying not to give out negative signals. I just get confused and try and work out how so and so got closer friends than I did with them I guess.

I am putting myself out there and trying to be fun and trying to share my own experiences in the hope others will share there's which will
Lead to a closer relationship. I am also trying to listen to others more and offer advice or just listen if needed , again to try and be there for that person more and hopefully grow the friendship.

So, those who said they used to feel like this and now don't. Is this simply because you met the 'right' people or did you change an element of your own personality?

As I said I have no trouble making friends, I just feel like they are always closer or more bothered by someone else. Casing point is I haven't contacted anyone about meeting up for the past two weeks or so and so have seen one group of friends, previously organised who I only see once/ twice a year and one other friend as I was going to her house to collect something anyway and she said I could stay for a play date. Says it all really

I am the same, and after 42 years I accept that I will always be like this and that's the way it is. I don't always like it - but as I also have Aspergers its not going to get any better.