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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and kissing

39 replies

lovedoughnuts · 17/10/2015 13:56

I wanted some advice about a situation with my DH, which left me feeling uncomfortable today.

We were in the kitchen, when he made some inappropriate comment about “coming on my tits”, and DS was in the next room, but within earshot.

I was understandably not pleased, as I don't want DS hearing stuff like that. Then DH, starts trying to shove his face in mine, lips puckered, so that I'll kiss him (this is something that he does when he knows he's pissed me off).
I pulled back, and just looked at him, and he said “what?? I only wanted a kiss” to which I replied, something along the lines of “well perhaps it'd be nicer if you invited me to kiss you, rather than forcing it”.

At this, he raised his hands to his head, and growled through gritted teeth, in an exasperated tone “you're hard work”.

Thing is, these kisses that he does where I feel annoyed about something, so he then tries to ‘make me’ kiss him – they don't feel remotely loving. It's like, a short meaningless peck, almost as if to reassure himself, rather than to show love to me. And I resent it. I'd rather be kissed with a bit more meaning, but not when I'm feeling annoyed about something!

This morning, I was getting ready after my shower, and again he was trying to kiss me, but it was whilst I was mid sentence, and he was trying to sneak up to the side of my mouth, so I felt like I ‘had’ to kiss him, iyswim, rather than because I was feeling it and really wanted a kiss.

I realise I probably sound ungrateful, and that I should be pleased that my DH wants to kiss me, but sometimes they feel like enforced kisses, and I feel guilty if I turn him down. Especially now that he has said I'm hard work.

I’d be grateful for any advice!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2015 13:59

Just tell him not to? Surely he wouldn't do something to you if he knew you didn't like it?

NashvilleQueen · 17/10/2015 14:01

I think it sounds revolting OP.

NashvilleQueen · 17/10/2015 14:01

To clarify, the forced kissing and the weird pecking sounds revolting. I wouldn't like it at all.

DickDewy · 17/10/2015 14:05

He sounds revolting and extremely immature. He needs to work on his communication skills.

Elendon · 17/10/2015 14:18

You are not hard work at all. In fact you seem lovely, intelligent and very on board. When you kiss someone you express love. It's not sexual most of the time. I kiss my mum, daughters, son, brothers, sisters, friends. But kissing between a couple can be a prelude to sex. It seems he has crossed a social etiquette. He is the one who is hard work.

How can "I want to come on your tits" ever be appropriate outside of the bedroom?

As for pursed lips in a manner after such conversations, “well perhaps it'd be nicer if you invited me to kiss you, rather than forcing it”. I think it's obvious he is being passive aggressive.

As to solutions? Tell him that kissing you in such a manner is not acceptable and that if he continues then kissing is off the menu.

RoisinIwanttofightyourfather · 17/10/2015 14:33

My exH used to 'force' kisses on me.
I remember him holding my face in his hands and kissing me really hard. It hurt. I struggled but he wouldn't let go. Eventually he stopped, thinking he was sexy or hilarious. Not sure. The fucker had split my lip and there was blood all over our faces. He apologised. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did really.
The next time, about a year later, he did the same thing after I came in after a filling at the dentist. The local anaesthetic was wearing off and it was excruciating. I fucking flipped and told him I would tell my Dad ( who would have punched his lights out for deliberately hurting me). He was horrified and never did it again.
He used to do lots of shitty controlling stuff. Bastard.

Joysmum · 17/10/2015 14:40

It's power play, not a show of affection. That's why you are understandably upset by it.

Original poster

lovedoughnuts · 17/10/2015 16:59

Thanks for the replies, lots of food for thought

OP posts:

Wotsitsareafterme · 17/10/2015 17:17

The whole post reminds me of exh. Horrid

charlh929 · 17/10/2015 17:21

My partner does something similar to this occasionally. He always seems to want to kiss me when I'm busy washing, cooking, cleaning or sorting DS's bottles. I've told him that constantly pulling me away from whatever it is that I'm trying to do just annoys me. He constantly tells me to relax, but I'd rather finish doing the task at hand before I relax. I've always been like that. I've explained this countless times, but he still insists on coming up to me forcing himself in my face whilst I've just started something. When our DS is in bed and we're relaxing in our own he never does it. Sometimes, I think I'm being too harsh on him but it's just something that annoys me.

BrightonMum36 · 17/10/2015 17:24

I know exactly what you mean, that reminded me of an ex of mine. It's definitely a kiss of them gaining power and control, and no affection whatsoever. But it's clever because either way you handle it, you lose and they win. You give in to the kiss, they gain power, you pull away and they make you feel like a bitch for rejecting what is generally accepted to be affectionate - but in this case just isn't. It's utterly controlling so be careful and know you aren't in the wrong.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/10/2015 17:47

If it was done as part of a playful exhange and with laughter and affection, part of some flirty horseplay, it would be one thing.

To force it on you when you're already feeling miffed, not so much

It's all about the tone isn't it?

The sad thing is, that when you think about it later it's the kind of thing that can make you doubt yourself if you were being unreasonable. But you weren't

IamlovedbyG · 17/10/2015 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2015 18:12

Iam how us she 'hard work'?

expatinscotland · 17/10/2015 18:21

Jesus wept. This would fuck me off royally. If she's 'hard work', he's a controlling dick. 'You're hard work' is what my abusive cunt of an ex used to tell me. Thankfully, I didn't believe him.

It's not loving or sexy. It's controlling.

RivieraKid · 17/10/2015 18:21

I'd let my forehead meet their nose if an entitled, controlling little shit tried to 'shove his face in mine, lips puckered' but then I'm probably 'hard work' too.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/10/2015 19:13

God, that sounds so annoying.

And what an astonishing lack of self-awareness on his part - he's the one who's hard work. I would be telling him that. Repeatedly.

RomiiRoo · 17/10/2015 19:21

My (separated) husband did the forced kissing and hugging - it was part of what made me run, if I am honest, which I eventually did. Though there was a lot more.

It is about unwanted bodily contact. I put it to him like that when he was still trying after we separated - he said, you make it sound like a criminal offence, I said, that is because it is.

We have been on better terms and discussing reconciliation and the kissing thing has re-surfaced. He asks me now but I am not into it, so in the position of saying no, I don't wish to. And that really is reason enough. I am not saying I never want to kiss him, but the perfunctory kissing on demand or when you don't really want to, that is invasive and you should be able to say no.

expatinscotland · 17/10/2015 19:33

'We have been on better terms and discussing reconciliation and the kissing thing has re-surfaced. '

Do yourself a big favour: don't reconcile with this person. You haven't even done so and unwanted body contact has already re-surfaced.

Not all partners are like this by a long shot.

You should have to say no, it should not be occurring at all because they are aware it's not wanted.

RomiiRoo · 17/10/2015 20:09

Thanks, expat, I know . I think I don't know what is normal anymore.
I don't want to de-rail OP's thread, though. I need to start my own thread at some point

expatinscotland · 17/10/2015 20:14

Yeah, because what he is doing is not normal. He knows, too. But still persists. This isn't something to salvage. You deserve so much better. Many women on here will tell you how much better their lives are once they got rid of partners like this, got help (such as the Freedom Programme) and learned that this isn't how it has to be at all.

Original poster

lovedoughnuts · 18/10/2015 10:57

Thanks to everyone for your responses, I found it difficult to articulate the feeling that I had just after it happened - and I felt sure that everyone would just tell me that I was being silly really.

To hear it described as controlling is an eye opener - as it really feels like he's doing it to 'get out of trouble' so to speak, whenever he does anything that irritates me, so he's basically trying to control how I feel isn't he?

Thanks to Elendon for your kind words, what you say makes a lot of sense.

Roisin - that sounds awful - interestingly, my DH is also scared of my Dad, as he would do the same as yours if anyone hurt me.

Charlh929 - are we married to the same man? This is exactly what mine does, I just don't get it!

BrightonMum36 - that's an excellent analysis of it, thanks for your insight, it's helped me to feel like I understand it better.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 18/10/2015 12:08

as it really feels like he's doing it to 'get out of trouble' so to speak, whenever he does anything that irritates me, so he's basically trying to control how I feel isn't he?

A healthy way to 'get out of trouble' is to acknowledge your mistake and apologise. What he chooses to do instead is worrying because he's taking something that should be a loving, fun and tender gesture and using it in an invasive, unwanted and territorial manner.

What are you going to do with your new perspective?

Lweji · 18/10/2015 12:12

Another one agreeing with control and that it reminds her of ex.

Is he generally ok? I'd suspect there are other difficult areas - such as relating to his initial comment, which was inappropriate in front of children.

BrightonMum36 · 18/10/2015 12:34

I've been thinking a lot about your situation and how to claim back some control.
You could think about trying this: The next time he doesn't this controlling and childish forced kiss, retaliate and disempower him by blowing a raspberry kiss in his face.
This way, you are taking back power by mocking and defusing the situation. He WON'T LIKE IT. When he shows his dislike of it, tell him you will stop doing it, - when he does. Tell him you will reward genuine, loving kisses - with genuine loving kisses. And conversely you will respond to absurd forceful kisses with absurd forceful raspberries. This may make him think, and respect you and change his behaviour.
If it doesn't, he will never change or respect you, and you should leave him.

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