DH and kissing

[lovedoughnuts]

I wanted some advice about a situation with my DH, which left me feeling uncomfortable today.

We were in the kitchen, when he made some inappropriate comment about “coming on my tits”, and DS was in the next room, but within earshot.

I was understandably not pleased, as I don't want DS hearing stuff like that. Then DH, starts trying to shove his face in mine, lips puckered, so that I'll kiss him (this is something that he does when he knows he's pissed me off).
I pulled back, and just looked at him, and he said “what?? I only wanted a kiss” to which I replied, something along the lines of “well perhaps it'd be nicer if you invited me to kiss you, rather than forcing it”.

At this, he raised his hands to his head, and growled through gritted teeth, in an exasperated tone “you're hard work”.

Thing is, these kisses that he does where I feel annoyed about something, so he then tries to ‘make me’ kiss him – they don't feel remotely loving. It's like, a short meaningless peck, almost as if to reassure himself, rather than to show love to me. And I resent it. I'd rather be kissed with a bit more meaning, but not when I'm feeling annoyed about something!

This morning, I was getting ready after my shower, and again he was trying to kiss me, but it was whilst I was mid sentence, and he was trying to sneak up to the side of my mouth, so I felt like I ‘had’ to kiss him, iyswim, rather than because I was feeling it and really wanted a kiss.

I realise I probably sound ungrateful, and that I should be pleased that my DH wants to kiss me, but sometimes they feel like enforced kisses, and I feel guilty if I turn him down. Especially now that he has said I'm hard work.

I’d be grateful for any advice!

*the next time he DOES this behaviour. Sorry proof reading may help..

Ugh. I've had some experience of this. My ex also did it when he knew I was pissed off. I don't think it was a case of reassuring himself, I think it was a case of trying to force me to act like I wasn't annoyed when I was.

It became a set pattern. He would offend me (deliberately, I felt) then try to force a kiss on me. If I refused he would get angry. It would become about him and my feelings would be ignored.

I'd stamp this out here Op. The comment within earshot of your son was highly inappropriate, and forcing affection on you is also highly inappropriate. I don't like the anger he displayed at you when you declined.

'Charlh929 - are we married to the same man? This is exactly what mine does, I just don't get it!'

So he does this other times? Groping when you're trying to do a task when he knows this irritates you, then blaming you for not being happy about it? That's controlling, but unsurprising from someone who also makes inappropriate sexual marks within the hearing of a child.

My DP Tries to make me feel guilty when I tell him to stop. I always get 'most people would be grateful for affection' or 'why don't you like/love me anymore?'. This REALLY annoys me off. Since we've had our DS (5months) he's become really clingy. I've never been over affectionate and I like my own space. Since having DS I'll admit I probably like my own space even more. Occasionally I like 5 minutes to myself to do something I enjoy or have some down time (if I'm not looking after our son or busy doing something around the house). It frustrates me that whenever I do have the opportunity to do this, he'll start kissing me all over or sit facing me puckering up, especially if I'm trying to read a book or something similar. If I kiss him a couple of times and get back to what I'm doing he turns nasty and again, I get accused of not loving him. I always tell him I do and to stop feeling sorry for himself, and that just because I'm just more busy now doesn't mean I don't love him and occasionally, I do like half an hour on my own to unwind. This explanation isn't good enough though, as he just keeps saying I don't love him anymore and storms off in a huff, which then makes me feel bad and as though I'm being unreasonable so then I'll apologise. It's exhausting!

It's not exhausting when you tell them flat out that their immaturity is ruining the relationship. Because it can and does. Vying for attention with a baby who's your own child is immature. Stop feeling bad about finding that sort of behaviour ridiculous.

Pisses me off*

Jelly congratulations you've got 2 children!

Don't I know it! The same things happened today and we've fell out over it. He's now sulking on his own. I've just left him to it

That SO much reminds me of (separated) husband! 'Do you still love me?' five or six times a day - also new baby and older DC and getting no real help - and then when you actually sat down to have five minutes peace, there he was. It gradually kills any kind of feeling you might have, because it suffocates you - no time for yourself.
Honestly, let him sulk! I am sure he gets time to himself in the day, so just enjoy the peace

Its demeaning you and silencing you
Its making light of how you feel and minimising your opinions
Its attempting to deny you have a right to express yourself
Its obviously about imprinting his dominance over you

Its designed to confuse, and it has otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

It's surprising how many others have said that this stuff is happening/happened to them too. He's been in a kind of bad mood for the last week or so, and has upset DS a couple of times this week particularly. He's hardly had any time for me, and all of a sudden he expects this affection out of nowhere. I'm confused.

TheMarxistMinx - What you said there made a lot of sense. I just couldn't understand the anger that he expressed - I'm sure he wouldn't treat a friend that way (if he wasn't getting his own way!).

RomiiRoo - It gradually kills any kind of feeling you might have, because it suffocates you - no time for yourself. - yes, this, exactly. I'm sorry to hear about what you have been going through.

Jelly101 - yes, the guilt trips they give you actually make you feel less like you want to kiss them etc don't they?

expatinscotland - So he does this other times? Groping when you're trying to do a task when he knows this irritates you, then blaming you for not being happy about it? - yes, sometimes I'll be in the middle of cooking, or even eating, or like I mentioned in my first post - halfway through speaking a sentence. He doesn't give me a moment to compose myself or anything, he's just there, in my face.

MatrixReloaded - I think it was a case of trying to force me to act like I wasn't annoyed when I was. and It would become about him and my feelings would be ignored. - this is exactly how I felt about this too. I don't like the anger he displayed at you when you declined. - Me neither.

BrightonMum36 - Thanks for the idea! I might try it if he carries on. I have tried just offering him my cheek, but sometimes he insists on a kiss. He used to actually say "Kiss!" in the same way one might click their fingers at someone/say a command, and I was meant to just comply, until I realised what was happening & told him I didn't like it. He wasn't too happy when I told him to stop doing that at the time.

Lweji - He's hard work, put it that way, I think he needs to work on his skills of relating to people (well, me & DS anyway), as sometimes it's just not on.

RedMapleLeaf - Initially, I was just stunned with his angry outburst, and couldn't believe my ears! Is this how you treat someone you are supposed to love? I also felt like the bad guy for not just kissing him back, but it just felt wrong, as it was on the back of him doing something I felt was inappropriate. Yesterday, I just felt uneasy in his company. It's hard, because I feel that I should stand up to him, but it feels weird saying that I need to stand up to someone who is "only trying to get a kiss" as he would put it.

TheDowagerCuntess - Thanks for saying that it's him that's hard work

RivieraKid - lol!

BitOutOfPractice - The sad thing is, that when you think about it later it's the kind of thing that can make you doubt yourself if you were being unreasonable - Yes, this is what I'm now experiencing, the self-doubt, and guilt.

I'm confused.

And he continues to do it because it works for him that you get confused.

I have my blind spots, but this isn't one of them. I would run a mile if a man handled me in this way.

This would utterly kill any love I felt for someone stone dead.

He's hard work, put it that way, I think he needs to work on his skills of relating to people (well, me & DS anyway), as sometimes it's just not on. So he can behave appropriately around other people? That's very telling.

He has a problem with respect, not relating to people. He doesn't feel he needs to respect your boundaries. And as others have said its controlling.