I sent this to Ex. So cathartic

[Dungandbother]

As background, we have rowed because DD 8 is CMPA (non IgE) but has had a milk free diet for three years.
Every time he has DC, he is giving her milk such as mousse or yoghurt or ice cream.
He reckons I'm talking rot and she seems ok and she says she's ok. Then he says he'll take her to a specialist (yeah, the one that diagnosed her on the NHS clearly wasn't good enough).

Our back story is apparently I'm always telling him what to do and I'm controlling. I've had counselling to try and work out if I'm controlling. Had a bit of a lightbulb moment today.

I sent this earlier

Do I really want to put DD through blood tests, bowel tests etc when actually, it is better for her and improves her symptoms to have no milk?

Just because she is upright and growing doesn't mean it doesn't cause her harm which could be prevented.

Shall I halt the divorce and discuss this in court? What the almighty fuck is wrong with you sometimes?

Disagreeing with me is acceptable if I don't like your lazy laid back attitude, the way you drive, the mess you left in the kitchen...... then disagree with me all you like, Cheat on me why don't you? I'm tough, I can take it, I can hold my own and I have an opinion. I can make decisions, I can plan ahead, I can think beyond the end of my nose. Fine - hold onto all those thoughts and be glad of the reasons we are getting divorced.

Disagreeing with me over the children's well being is a slightly different kettle of fish. Smoke in front of them? I'm gonna yell. Swear in front of them ? Yep, yell. Feed them shit food - I'm not gonna yell but I am going to express how disappointed I am. Take them to a pub and leave them sitting there on their ipad? Again disappointing.

Moan at me because you consider me controlling your life for booking them into classes to give them life opportunities? I'm gonna plain ignore you on that one. Feel I'm bossing you around when I ask you to take them swimming because DS has sobbed uncontrollably for two weeks in his class? Frankly, I will keep them this weekend and deal with that myself if it's too much trouble. (PS see my AIBU post earlier about towels )

Take a couple of seconds and ask yourself WHY I am asking you to do stuff.

When are you going to get over this stupid notion that I am telling you what to do?
Example
I'm ill, really ill, can you get my prescription so I can have the children back as planned so YOU can go to WORK ? Who was I actually asking for? Certainly not myself. Who got shitty about it? You or OW? Who keeps harping on about it again and again? You!

Your fiancé (the OW) has taught the children swear words AND DS is UPSET because he got into trouble at school. Why did that end in a row between us when I asked you to prevent them hearing swearing? Of course they know the words. Do you want them to use them free flow in daily speech? Then stop them from normalising it.

I break up with my boyfriend and you kindly said I'm sorry to hear that but 24 hours later followed by APOLOGISE TO MY FIANCE. Oh, let me guess, OW didn't like it? What was that all about?

DD is sobbing uncontrollably about not wanting to see her father, not eating, not sleeping. Did I say TOO FUCKING RIGHT DD, HE IS THE BIGGEST TWAT TO WALK THE EARTH AND OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THE LYING CHEATING SCUMBAG EVER AGAIN?
Or was I being a good parent to help resolve the issues through whatever means possible and ask you to pop over and write her a card when the last thing I want is your SORRY CHEATING COCK FOR BRAIN IN MY HOUSE?

Welcome to your new world. I don't give a shit if it's better or worse than your last one. I don't give a shit about you full stop. I don't tell YOU what to do. I tell you about our CHILDREN'S NEEDS.

I have said this before. Show me some respect, I am their mother and I never stop working hard on their behalf. I respect you work hard and give them money. Tell the world you pay for your children and watch the world respect you. You earned it.

Stop giving DD milk. Tell the world her horrid mummy doesn't let her have it but daddy does and watch the world call you a wanker.

long. Sorry if you made it to the end. Needed to get it off my chest

You didn't actually send that did you? Oh, and stop asking him to do stuff for you.

wish I had the balls to do this!

Gin I did.
Need some of your name.

I think it is very clear that he is a man-child who's default reaction is to moan and blame you. I really hope your letter works. You sound like a strong person.

You haven't actually sent him this hysterical rant have you? It's muddled, doesn't make sense and completely detracts from the main issue (the milk, I assume)

Thank you mystery knickers (mmmm want some of your name too

The only stuff I've ever asked him to do is the above
Collect a prescription
Take DS to a sat am club in the same venue 40 minutes before DD existing club
Take them swimming this weekend
Stop swearing and smoking
Please think about what you feed them leading to milk leading to an almighty row.

it does make sense.

Yes, he sounds like a knob. But it's pretty rambly and it's not clear what point (other than the fact he's a knob) you want to get across. I would hold off sending it until you've calmed down and rewrite it more concisely.

I used to try and reason with my x.

I no longer try. I don't think he will even read your mail

I suppose it is rather muddled as in MN don't know so much of the history behind it so I can see what you're saying.

It would be crystal clear to the man child knob!

Vim, I have sent many calm emails in the past. Today I totally lost it.

It's too rambly, it's barely coherent and he's probably just going to get mad and not read it.

I second Vim, hold off until you feel calmer and write something coherent and strong with less emotion.

My ex doesn't do anything asked of him regarding our autistic son, not homework, his diet, but when I texted him recently regarding his amazing 100% attendance rate, his response was NOT, well done, but yeah I saw that on the school website (son's).

Not a thank you for your work, not a chat about how he can continue the good work, not anything. It's all my son who has suddenly turned this around. Not the support he gets at home to facilitate this.

Ex is a merde, and, thankfully, will never have anymore children. However his vasectomy was all my doing! Apparently, I forced him into it

I realise you're very angry. But it is really important that you take many steps back, this will help you stop reacting to his crap.
Do not discuss the past, nor his relationship.
Raise specific things only relating to DC. Here's a list of foods DC cannot eat at the advice of blah specialist.
Stop flinging around insults, it just drags any conversation down into point scoring.
(and if you need a prescription badly enough to care for your own children you need to organise yourself, not try to manipulate him into it).
I KNOW this sounds like a major criticism. It's not. This anger is just not going to yield results. Him keeping you angry or vice versa keeps everything his way (winding you up). Stop letting him. Draw very clear lines and focus on 'DC need this'.
The rest of his shit is just a reminder you're better off now

To be honest I doubt it he will take any notice of it.. but if it made you feel better I am glad you sent it. This is meant nicely I will give you an example..
last year when I found out my ex had been having an affair I composed a long email to his ow detailing the cheating etc.
Now, I know the majority would have said 'keep your dignity' or 'don't involve her' but as neither party had considered my feelings in the affair a friend asked would it make me feel better if I sent it. I concluded that it would. It did. I don't regret it.
They however probably thought I was barking!
Did it make you feel better?

Oh dear, I think you'll look back at this and be embarrassed. It's really not as clever as you so clearly think it is.

He obviously shouldn't give her milk but I think the correct response would be a short note saying, 'Please do not give DD any milk, as per the advice from Dr X, specialist in X at X hospital. If you would like to arrange for another specialist to see DD, that's absolutely fine, but in the meantime please do not disregard the only medical advice we currently have. Regards etc'. Having a few tests is less harmful than having a restricted diet for her whole life.

Now you've got it out, perhaps get documentation of your dc's food intolerance/allergy and send it to him, perhaps if you have solicitors involved ask if they can lend weight to it.

I doubt you can influence the smoking or swearing, other than invoking the law where it applies (smoking in cars etc). So concentrate on the bit that is most important, really. The food.

Im(veryconsidered)o, sometimes it's GOOD to blow a gasket and tell it like it is.

Yy it's rambly - so what? Who gives a ff about his opinion of it anyway. SOMETIMES it's appropriate to heave all that out of yourself and let it fly.

You said it was cathartic, I'm with you. I recently let somebody have it and, no, it was not a pretty or dignified sight but, oh my, did they have it coming. I had held off for a loooong time, it was about serious serious longstanding stuff. Sometimes it's appropriate, cathartic, healing, releasing to let it out.

Take no notice of the party poopers. Well said my dear

The milk thing is terrible. And I wouldn't be happy about smoking/swearing
But the junk food/iPad in restaurant etc stuff I would let go
And sorry but I am not sure you can dictate which clubs he takes them too. You need to step back from it all a bit.

(I'm also with you. Sod dignity sometimes, asshole needs telling.)

Well done. He should do what you say regarding dc. But collect your own bloody prescriptions.

I don't think you've done yourself any favours sending that, however cathartic it may have been.

You say you don't care about him anymore, so why waste time writing that to him. If you didn't care about him, it would be about the children and their needs, not about his life.

I hope you manage to move on, it must be hard

Totally cathartic.
I know it seems rambling but it is all relevant (to him) and actually concise over the 5/6 incidents that we've rowed over since splitting.

Incidentally, the prescription? Actually it was swine flu and after asking him to get me said prescription (it was the 2nd prescription of the illness) I ended up at my mums in bed a week and he didn't offer to help once. So when I say I was really ill, I was completely and utterly ill and he still dropped the kids back and walked off.

Thanks for the understanding springydaffs (and others, new app doesn't let me scroll and I can't recall well enough)

He has replied. Meekly may I add.