I sent this to Ex. So cathartic

[Dungandbother]

As background, we have rowed because DD 8 is CMPA (non IgE) but has had a milk free diet for three years.
Every time he has DC, he is giving her milk such as mousse or yoghurt or ice cream.
He reckons I'm talking rot and she seems ok and she says she's ok. Then he says he'll take her to a specialist (yeah, the one that diagnosed her on the NHS clearly wasn't good enough).

Our back story is apparently I'm always telling him what to do and I'm controlling. I've had counselling to try and work out if I'm controlling. Had a bit of a lightbulb moment today.

I sent this earlier

Do I really want to put DD through blood tests, bowel tests etc when actually, it is better for her and improves her symptoms to have no milk?

Just because she is upright and growing doesn't mean it doesn't cause her harm which could be prevented.

Shall I halt the divorce and discuss this in court? What the almighty fuck is wrong with you sometimes?

Disagreeing with me is acceptable if I don't like your lazy laid back attitude, the way you drive, the mess you left in the kitchen...... then disagree with me all you like, Cheat on me why don't you? I'm tough, I can take it, I can hold my own and I have an opinion. I can make decisions, I can plan ahead, I can think beyond the end of my nose. Fine - hold onto all those thoughts and be glad of the reasons we are getting divorced.

Disagreeing with me over the children's well being is a slightly different kettle of fish. Smoke in front of them? I'm gonna yell. Swear in front of them ? Yep, yell. Feed them shit food - I'm not gonna yell but I am going to express how disappointed I am. Take them to a pub and leave them sitting there on their ipad? Again disappointing.

Moan at me because you consider me controlling your life for booking them into classes to give them life opportunities? I'm gonna plain ignore you on that one. Feel I'm bossing you around when I ask you to take them swimming because DS has sobbed uncontrollably for two weeks in his class? Frankly, I will keep them this weekend and deal with that myself if it's too much trouble. (PS see my AIBU post earlier about towels )

Take a couple of seconds and ask yourself WHY I am asking you to do stuff.

When are you going to get over this stupid notion that I am telling you what to do?
Example
I'm ill, really ill, can you get my prescription so I can have the children back as planned so YOU can go to WORK ? Who was I actually asking for? Certainly not myself. Who got shitty about it? You or OW? Who keeps harping on about it again and again? You!

Your fiancé (the OW) has taught the children swear words AND DS is UPSET because he got into trouble at school. Why did that end in a row between us when I asked you to prevent them hearing swearing? Of course they know the words. Do you want them to use them free flow in daily speech? Then stop them from normalising it.

I break up with my boyfriend and you kindly said I'm sorry to hear that but 24 hours later followed by APOLOGISE TO MY FIANCE. Oh, let me guess, OW didn't like it? What was that all about?

DD is sobbing uncontrollably about not wanting to see her father, not eating, not sleeping. Did I say TOO FUCKING RIGHT DD, HE IS THE BIGGEST TWAT TO WALK THE EARTH AND OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THE LYING CHEATING SCUMBAG EVER AGAIN?
Or was I being a good parent to help resolve the issues through whatever means possible and ask you to pop over and write her a card when the last thing I want is your SORRY CHEATING COCK FOR BRAIN IN MY HOUSE?

Welcome to your new world. I don't give a shit if it's better or worse than your last one. I don't give a shit about you full stop. I don't tell YOU what to do. I tell you about our CHILDREN'S NEEDS.

I have said this before. Show me some respect, I am their mother and I never stop working hard on their behalf. I respect you work hard and give them money. Tell the world you pay for your children and watch the world respect you. You earned it.

Stop giving DD milk. Tell the world her horrid mummy doesn't let her have it but daddy does and watch the world call you a wanker.

Oh... now you must share!!

Thing is it starts out as an e mail about milk (in which case ForChina's is good) then it goes off into the cathartic stuff. Would be better I think to separate the two as as it stands it looks like you're going crackers over her diet, which kind of makes it look like he might have a point.

Ah, I think bloody well done!!! If it makes you feel better, why bloody hell why not. Since he's an arse you have nothing to lose.In all honesty - he may not have read. If he is anything like my ex, he would have deleted it at Hello (and I used to be too polite saying that even). I think he is past caring at this point and likely to not give a shit about anything you do or say to him. So for that, I think you really are wasting your time on him.

Now you've had it out - circle back and concentrate your energies on yourself and your kids. He's f*ckg not worth it.

Ah! Sorry, saw that he replied so he must have read it?!!

Just also remembered it's probably worth saying. The prescription request was New Year's Day. He had the children. So emergency chemist, family 40 miles away and me pretty much out of it

I think that tbf your prescription is your problem. You wouldn't get one for him would you. But your dd milk allergy is something that he should listen to you about.

Anyway that you could work together?

No, I wouldn't get one for him but he has a fiancé now as I'm often told.

But I have no one and he had the children for two days during which time I was ill, got a prescription. Got given another prescription I couldn't drive to get but I wanted to get better so I could have the children because he could only have them two days as had to work. So I was just trying to get better. I called three friends that day but it was new year so no one answered.

Failed to get better mind but it was flu. My mum drove up and picked me and the children up, he was too busy.

His reply
I will talk to DD and we will get her checked out she's already said she would be happy too. Have you tried weaning her every 6 months like they recommend.

No, I'm an idiot, of course I haven't followed medical advice. And she's 8.... She has less say than he thinks her capable of. She wants ice cream because he has no alternative and its not fair (her words).

Bearing in mind that's after an enormous row over 10 odd txts. He stopped with the don't be daft women insults.

This is a typical txt from him
It relates to absolutely nothing within our previous dialogue which was all about him disagreeing with the doctors and that he should know because he's intolerant to milk as well.

And if you can't cope looking after the children maybe we should have them more. OW has looked after 6 at the same time on her own

Just to add weight to your objection. My parents separated and my dad didn't believe that I was unable to tolerate milk (medically diagnosed intolerance).

He gave me milk regularly when I was with him. The result - a kidney infection, an ultrasound scan and now one kidney only runs at half capacity as it's damaged

Thanks Chelle

I'm so adamant he must not give her milk, I suppose that's why instead of calm polite emails I totally lost it.

It's medical yes but also my gut feeling.

What a rambling jumble of thoughts. It'll just get his back up and will make the situation 10 x worse.

It's medical yes but also my gut feeling.

So, you haven't had her tested?

queenbean I don't think there are any tests for non IgE reactions - iirc. Ds was non IgE to milk and the specialist always went on reported symptoms and once diagnosed as he was thriving on a milk free diet we only saw the dietician for followup.

The milk would be a massive issue for me. These days with only a little bit of effort you can get loads of milk free alternatives (yoghurts, ice cream, cheese, soya milk) and labels are much clearer since the law changed last December. Plus as the op says her dd is doing well milk free - ds was a different child once he went on a milk free diet.

I think it was a bit much for you to drag up the prescription issue if it happened nearly a year ago!

TBH I think you are being totally unreasonable about the milk. She wants to get more medical advice, he is happy to organise and facilitate this - why on earth wouldn't you? It's almost like you don't want to be proved wrong as you place so much trust in your 'gut feeling' but this is her life. You sound very bitter about the fiance etc.

Hello those later to the thread. I hope this clears it up...

DD is medically diagnosed, at Kings London. She is Non IgE CMPA

Re the prescription. I don't bring it up. He does. All the f'ing time. Goes on and on about how I expect too much, how he was obliged to help me out so he doesn't owe me anything.

I was really really ill, he had the children but was due to bring them back the day after next so he could work. I needed a prescription from emergency chemist 20 minute drive away (prescribed over 111) and no one was available to me as it was NYD.
So I could wait and not start to get better in order to have children back (let's face it, he should have kept them as I was so ill) or as a last resort ask him for help.

It was swine flu and I spent the whole of the following week out of it at my mums.