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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Symptom of depression or is he just an arsehole?

48 replies

AdamantEve · 16/10/2015 08:56

My DP has depression and is on medication.

I am just going to briefly outline things otherwise this will be pages long.

He pushed to have children, I wasn't bothered either way at the time but am obviously thrilled we did. They are now 2 and 5.

He is a shit dad. Shit. He shouts, screams and slams things when he's frustrated by them, which is always.

He tells me he wishes he could turn back time and never have them. He says he doesn't want this life and has even said he doesn't like the children.

Sometimes he is fine and normal with them but always short lived and he ends up arsey and speaking in a monotone voice to them.

He tells people in public (friends, not strangers!) that having kids has ruined his life. He's only happy when he's out with his friends.

I feel so sad for myself and the children. I don't know whether to push him back to the doctors because he is getting worse and worse as time goes on so maybe he needs a medication adjustment? Or maybe he's just a nasty twat in which case nothing will help.

I am aware by the way that this is unacceptable, the only reason I have persevered is that I can't believe anyone would really feel
This way about their own children so have put it down to his illness, but regardless, it can't be an excuse forever.

Any thoughts from an outsider welcome as I am thoroughly exhausted by all this.

OP posts:

Caprinihahahaha · 16/10/2015 08:58

It actually doesn't matter.
The point is not why he is doing what he is doing. The point is that it's an awful, hideously awful environment for you and your children.

You three should not be living like that.

Phoenix0x0 · 16/10/2015 09:07

Wow...that's awful.

He may very well be unwell, but you need to put your children first.

What I mean by this, is that maybe he needs to leave even if temporarily, both you and your children deserve so much more.

Original poster

AdamantEve · 16/10/2015 09:08

We shouldn't. I know this. In my head I know it will never really improve, not properly. I know I will leave and I want to, it's dead now our relationship. But my god, it feels like a hard thing to do.

OP posts:

Caprinihahahaha · 16/10/2015 09:09

Can I ask, is he getting worse - shouting, losing his temper, complaining and criticising other - at work and socially, or just at home?

It really doesn't matter though - your children shouldn't be putting up with it. You deserve better.

Caprinihahahaha · 16/10/2015 09:11

Does it help if you consider that you are not helping him either.
He is getting increasing used to behaving really badly without any consequence. That's not good for anyone. It's making it less likely that he will try to change or get help.

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2015 09:20

My ex husband suffered from depression at times and when he was having a hard time he couldn't cheer up just going out with friends.

But as others have said, it doesn't matter in the end. The effect of his behaviour on you and the children is appalling and he needs to leave.

summerwinterton · 16/10/2015 09:22

He is abusing you all - please get out immediately. Poor children living with that monster.

gateauxauxfruits · 16/10/2015 09:31

Having those feelings might be depression; expressing and acting on them is because he's an arsehole.

Even if it is depression, bear in mind that the medication and other therapies are better than nothing but still not what you'd call a cure.

RiceCrispieTreats · 16/10/2015 09:33

Children should NEVER have to feel that they are unwanted or unappreciated by the adults in their lives. Ever.

Mental illness or not, he is a grown-up and responsible for his own choices and his own behaviour. Your children are the vulnerable people who need protecting in this scenario.

He needs to be removed from their home so that they can grow up without emotional trauma. If he wants to treat his depression, he can, or not; it's his choice. But he can make those choices away from the 3 of you so that he does no further damage to the children.

Original poster

AdamantEve · 16/10/2015 09:35

To answer previous questions - he doesn't currently work, we are living off my earnings and his savings. He's showing no interest in applying for jobs (depression related?) so has no colleagues to be aggressive to.

I think he is fine with his friends but has got into a few scuffles lately with acquaintances when drunk so is being arsey with others for sure (binge drinking another big issue)

I always said I'd never hang around if my children were in a negative environment. Why am I hesitating? What would happen with contact? I'd hate him to be alone with them, he can't cope with the "stress" and is just horrible.

OP posts:

featherglass · 16/10/2015 09:41

Op,
That's not good - I'd hate him to be alone with them, he can't cope with the "stress" and is just horrible.
Sorry to be hard but you cannot allow this situation to continue for your children's sake - how can you ensure that he's never alone with them? You are describing someone who is abusive to his children and its your role to protect them. That's the most important thing

RiceCrispieTreats · 16/10/2015 09:42

I always said I'd never hang around if my children were in a negative environment. Why am I hesitating?

Can you examine that once you are out? It's likely to be a pretty big psychological tangle, which a professional can help you with. But it's not fair on your children to wait until you understand your own motivations. I'd recommend that you leave first, and examine your warped beliefs later, once all three of you are in a more peaceful situation.

What would happen with contact? I'd hate him to be alone with them, he can't cope with the "stress" and is just horrible.

If he can't cope with the "stress", he's unlikely to seek to be alone with them. Or maybe just a bit at first to show you he's boss, or whatever, but he'll soon tire of the actual work involved and let you handle it on your own.

nauticant · 16/10/2015 09:46

While you're deciding what to do OP, keep a diary and record details of his outbursts and the abusive things he says.

featherglass · 16/10/2015 09:46

What are your living arrangements - could you ask him to leave? TBH, if you don't take action to protect your children from his moods and behaviour to them, someone else is highly likely to report him to social services. Sorry to be harsh but your children are so young and if he's binge drinking, fighting with friends and shouts and screams and slams things when he's with them, it's not going to end well. How is he towards you?

Joysmum · 16/10/2015 09:51

I think if he never used to be like this then there's a good chance it's depression related and he may need a change of medication or increased dose so needs to go back to the doctor.

If he's not open to this then I'd expect him to leave. As the others said, depression or not the effect is the same so if he won't try the address this then it'd be bye bye for me.

UncertainSmile · 16/10/2015 10:05

It is possible to have depression, but be an arsehole anyway. It sounds like he's a horrible twat even without any MH problems.

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2015 10:05

I doubt he'd want to be on his own with them. Tbh I think not working is really bad for someone who's depressed. Working limits the time you can spend thinking about things. Also, even if you're off sick with depression, you know there's a 'normal' life out there waiting for you to go back to it.

On a practical note, is there somewhere he could go to, eg his parents' home, for the time being?

UncertainSmile · 16/10/2015 10:07

Tbh I think not working is really bad for someone who's depressed. Working limits the time you can spend thinking about things.

Sometimes it's impossible to work with depression. It's not as simple as not 'thinking about things'; I wish it was that simple.

Phoenix0x0 · 16/10/2015 10:09

The longer you put off leaving the more damage this is doing to your children.

Please don't worry about contact....your opening post indicates IMO that it would be more of a case where you will have to chase him to see the children.

pigsinbutter · 16/10/2015 10:17

my husband also does not work - and i tihnk he is depressed, maybe just low lying, but he would never take it out on the kids.

even if someone is depressed that's not an excuse for taking it out on other people, most especially your children and you. i would like to think that abusers can change, but it takes quite a lot of work - if he's not doing that, there is no point in staying.

do you have friends you can reach out to? other women who have left and can explain the process? it's a hard step, particularly if you work as well - there's lots of financial stuff that you need to get through. focus on the practicalities - it will give you a feeling of getting back in control.

your children will be sooooooo much better off out of this environment. i remember when my parents got divorced (they fought all the time) - frankly it was a relief! you will find that you do have the strength to leave. you have had the strength to put up with this - it's been a huge burden. good luck!

LeaLeander · 16/10/2015 10:21

Get him away from your poor children.

RivieraKid · 16/10/2015 10:21

He tells me he wishes he could turn back time and never have them. He says he doesn't want this life and has even said he doesn't like the children.

Depression or not, and it is a horrible condition, there is no way you should be living with a man who feels this way about his family. Get the hell away from this binge drinking, abusive, apathetic arse. Mental illness is different for everyone but personally I'm hospitalised quite regularly and still know I'm not supposed to be an absolute chuffing shitwipe to people.

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2015 10:24

UncertainSmile, I know what you mean about not being able to work, but if this guy can go out drinking with friends, I would say he could be working part time at least.

Caprinihahahaha · 16/10/2015 10:25

My DH was depressed and told me (nearly twenty years ago) that he thought he was unprepared for children and wished we had waited.
I told him if he was unhappy he could pack his fucking bags and leave.
He was shocked, got some help and discovered (belatedly) that it wasn't actually all about him and got his head out of his arse.

UncertainSmile · 16/10/2015 11:21

Nice empathetic approach to a horrible debilitating illness there. Thanks for that.

This is is no way defending the partner of the OP; he's behaving like a proper cunt.

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