Symptom of depression or is he just an arsehole?

[AdamantEve]

My DP has depression and is on medication.

I am just going to briefly outline things otherwise this will be pages long.

He pushed to have children, I wasn't bothered either way at the time but am obviously thrilled we did. They are now 2 and 5.

He is a shit dad. Shit. He shouts, screams and slams things when he's frustrated by them, which is always.

He tells me he wishes he could turn back time and never have them. He says he doesn't want this life and has even said he doesn't like the children.

Sometimes he is fine and normal with them but always short lived and he ends up arsey and speaking in a monotone voice to them.

He tells people in public (friends, not strangers!) that having kids has ruined his life. He's only happy when he's out with his friends.

I feel so sad for myself and the children. I don't know whether to push him back to the doctors because he is getting worse and worse as time goes on so maybe he needs a medication adjustment? Or maybe he's just a nasty twat in which case nothing will help.

I am aware by the way that this is unacceptable, the only reason I have persevered is that I can't believe anyone would really feel
This way about their own children so have put it down to his illness, but regardless, it can't be an excuse forever.

Any thoughts from an outsider welcome as I am thoroughly exhausted by all this.

Bold fail

UncertainSmile, depression is one of those illnesses that can range from being a bit fed up to being completely debilitated. Not everyone who suffers from it is suffering terribly from it. Also of course it's an illness that affects the people living with the sufferer just as much. It's very hard to lead a normal life and see any joy in the world when the person you're living with is very depressed.

OP I pray those lovely children of yours haven't heard him say that he wishes he never had them. As a very small child I overheard my Mum telling my Aunts on various occasions that she wished she hadn't had my brothers and I. Let me tell you, it's soul destroying and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, that feeling of not being wanted by one of the people that brought you into this world never leaves you.

I would suggest giving him the ultimatum; shape up or shape out. If he is not willing to go to the doctors and ask for new medication in an attempt to remedy the issue then why should you be willing to give yours and your children's lives to him? Yes, depression is a horrible illness but if he is not willing to try to resolve the possible cause of his venom (incorrect meds) then I'd say you're fighting a losing battle. Hope everything works out for you

Uncertain smile.

I think you are in danger of making huge assumptions on the basis of very little information.

My DH was depressed. I was dangerously depressed/suicidal.
The point was I was getting treatment while struggling with no choice because we had two children, one of whose had profound difficulties.
My DH was depressed but wanted to talk to me about how it would be fine if we just didn't have children.

And 'thanks for that' implies that my post - trying to encourage the op to see that just sometimes, waiting for someone to chose to get help may not prompt any action at all - was aimed at your personal experience of depression.
It wasn't.

Apologies for that then, but so often I see disparaging comments on here about people with depression that would get them savaged if said about people with Autism, for example.

Please put your children's safety and mental stability first, they are going to grow up to be exactly like him, it's abuse, nothing to do with depression.

Can't believe you are allowing your own children to be traumatised like this.

As I have no wish to derail the OP's thread further, I shall now shut up.

Dear Adamant,

Good that you came on here. It helps sometimes just to be able to write the bullet points down for clarity. People here are right - depression of any sort is awful, but you need to put your children first - and that means you and the children as a unit. What he is doing is vile to them, and I am sure - although you haven't said it - he is vile to you. He is torturing you anyway by being so scathing about the children. This must cut you to the bone.

He is abusive. That is the upshot. And you have to get yourself and your children away from an abusive man. That is what they will remember, not whether or not he was on the right medication or whether he was ill or not. Trauma is trauma.

It is extremely sad for you and the children, but you know this cannot go on like this. Do you have RL support in family and friends? He needs to move out. Why not, as a first step, go and see your GP and tell her what life is like at home. His behaviour is absolutely NOT acceptable. Fine to give him an ultimatum - who knows he may improve? But right now he is not accepting his responsibility to seek treatment - that is an abuse in itself. In the end, I think you will need to live separately. It will likely be a blessed relief.

the only reason I have persevered is that I can't believe anyone would really feel This way about their own children so have put it down to his illness, but regardless, it can't be an excuse forever

You're absolutely right in this...you have done right by him and tried to support him and got nowhere. Unfortunately he does look like someone who would feel this way about their own children. Now is the time to 'really believe it' and take action. Don't waste years of yours and your children's lives hoping that the nice DH will come back. It is hard, I know, but this won't change. He needs to go.

Whether he has depression or not does not excuse abusive behaviour. Kids learn with example so you can't prolong this. Would you go down the road of ultimatum for him to get help with depression and tell him marriage is over if he treats the children like this. It might be a waste of time if he is not prepared to change. Good luck. My dad was like this and I prayed everyday during my childhood that my parents would divorce. Later on I found myself in an abusive relationship.
Awareness is the first step towards change. So well done. Ride the wave and get to a better place...wherever it takes you OP!

Uncertain - no worries.
Don't feel the need to shut up.

he's an arsehole who happens to have depression.

what a prick.
sorry, but i would refuse to live with him any longer. i would cut him loose. whatever it takes in order to get this utter tit off the books.

the things he has said are unforgivable. wholeheatedly - LTB.

he's not unique in his behaviour, BTW.
a few years ago - the twatty DH of one my friends told me i was lucky i wasn't married and didn't have kids. he was married with 2 young DDs at the time .

Who diagnosed his depression, OP?

As I read the opening post I immediately wondered whether he had alcohol problems. Later on binge drinking was mentioned. A lot of alcoholics would like to think their problem is depression, when in fact it's the effect of their drinking.

I wondered about his binge drinking too. Whatever the root cause, as san alcoholic (in recovery) on antipsychotics I can tell you full stop that binge drinking on brain meds will make everything worse.

looks like you are better of without him love

It's all about him isn't it?

I think the depression is a side effect of the fact that aspects of his life are not all about him (ie. Kids) so he is making it all about him by being depressed about the fact that it's not all about him.

I think he is a self absorbed prick who is ruining everyone else's life because it's not all about him.

I'm not a psychologist but he sounds like a complete bastard.

My mother told my sister and I that she didn't want children, only had us because my father wanted kids and it was the done thing. She often used to tell us that she would just 'Walk out and never come back to you shits'. Of course we were meant to beg her to stay, but how we hoped she would go!

My father was wonderful, my mother remains someone we both struggle to like let alone love. You need to kick your arse of a husband out. And do it now.

Are you nuts? Get rid of this cunt and carve out a better life for you and your kids. And get a new guy. Who will be a good role model and great Step dad to your kids. It's so obvious what needs to be done here.

Asshole. Sorry.

You need to put the kiddies first. Maybe as a nrp he'll be a better parent. Currently he's bad for you all.

Run for the hills OP. I've suffered depression, have kids, I'd never let them think it was they fault

Your DH takes 'self-centred, binge-drinking arsehole' to a new level.

The moment you kick him out your future (and that of your dc) will start looking infinitely brighter.

Don't let fear or guilt stop you making the change - there is nothing to feel guilty or scared of. The guilt should be all his. He's a grown up and can look after himself.

Aside from the abuse/ depression you are living off your savings. I'd make a decision soon if I were you as you may well need that money..